2005 In Review

Song Of The Moment Has Been brought To You By The Ever Faithful Spymac Webserver

January 2005. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment, down the road from my daughter, working as a supervisor for a building cleaning company, owned a company truck, company cell....had a cat, a love for rum and an intrest in internet media. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, President George W. Bush was sworn in for a second term and Johnny Carson died. ... out with the old and in with the doob.

February - April 2005. After fighting a 6 month battle with my ex-wife over access for seeing my daughter, I get a court-ordered document signed, stating my rights and visitation times. It is a victory for me and for all that I had endured over the past 4 years. While I am celebrating this victory, no one else is celebrating the NHL's decision to cancel the entire season. As my court battle ends, so does Martha Stewarts and as my faith returns, Pope John Paul dies. Irony rules.

May - July 2005. I meet a girl from out of town when shooting pool with my "then boss". A one-time meeting turns into a romantic affair, as for the following months I move out of my little 2 bedroom and into her world "out of town", subsequentially leaving my supervisory position and finding "new" employment as a call centre agent. The following months are a dream. Meanwhile, Micheal Jacksons nightmare court battle ends and the nightmare-ish bombings in Londons subways begins.

August 2005. My romantic interlude with the out-of-town girl ends and the turmoil it ensues lands me with no place to live, no job and not much to show for my summer adventure. Ironically enough, elsewhere in the world, hurricane Katrina engulfs coastlines in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. Storms come in all shapes and forms.

With the ending of the year, so comes an ending to old ways as well. Having moved from rooming with old friends (whom I had issues with) to "crashing" with someone else (not recommended), I now find myself working as technical support for Apple (thanks to my 1 week of call centre experience "out of town") and living almost exactly where I was living at the first of the year. I am getting paid more now then I was in January and, even though I may not have the vehicle I had back then, I am pursueing a field I *actually* have intrest in. All for all?...last year was "eventfull"....2006 should be better.






Ciao

Happy Birthday To Me

Song Of The Moment Has Been Cancelled ONCE AGAIN Because I Decided To Invest My Time In A FREE WebServer


Well, first off, today is my birthday. 33 years old and none the wiser. I gave myself a birthday present of having the phone and cable hooked up, so, this evening, when I get home, I'm chillaxing and getting caught up on my boobtoob.

Now, this is nothing like the birthdays of past. I can remember my 30th birthday. A friend of mine was back visiting from BC and he invited me and another close friend of mine out for "a few drinks"... As it seemed, the "few drinks" they had planned for me was 6 tequilla shooters, all lined up nice and pretty at the bar, followed by a few pitchers of beer. Of course, after shooting the tequilla, the beer more or less anchored me to the seat I had now found at a nearby table. The girls at the table didn't seem to mind me much, of course, I was pretty quiet at first, just trying to make sure the room didn't spin-too-much-type-deal.

Ok, so, next thing I remember, I was in the bathroom, wondering how I got into the bathroom. I wasn't *using* the bathroom...just standing there, in front of the garbage can. Next thing I remember?....telling some guy I had never met before that I thought his shirt looked "girly" and then laughing because it was....next thing I remember?....the floor of a yellow cab, up close. Let me tell ya, ew. Aside from falling through the door of the roommates house, stating to my friend, whom had abandonded me, that "I was goin to sleep where I fall" and passing out on the stairs, that was my birthday.

So, in closing?...I think celebrating my 33rd birthday at home, with NO alcohol present is *probably* for the best...at least I'll know where I'm sleeping.







Ciao

Welcome to Winter 2005

Song Of The Moment Has Been Temporarily Cancelled Due To My Webserver Being Down


My favorite Christmas memory was back in 2000, when my little girl came over for Christmas. It was the first (and only, to date) time she spent Christmas with me and the memories of it are still fresh in mind, like it was yesterday.

We both stayed up late, watching Christmas cartoons and setting up *traps* for Santa, and it wasn't until about 11:30 that she finally fell asleep, hugging her Christmas stocking tightly. After putting her to bed, I did the *Dad* thing and filled the stocking, lined the underneath of the tree with "Santa's presents" and sat back with a plate of ol' HoHos' cookies and watched the lights on the tree flicker on and off. Frankie sang about how he would be home for Christmas on the radio and I thought "Wow, I'm home." This was the first apartment I had rented since My wife and I had seperated and I was surprised at how at home I felt.

This is how it is supposed to be at Christmas though. You are supposed to be with your family. Only with your closest loved ones at this time of year can you feel the true spirit of the season.
I feel bad for all the people in the world without *families* to be with at this time of year. I used to think I was one of those people, lost and alone with no one to express anything to. I kind of remember that feeling to *this* day, answering technical calls to people and hearing that lost sound in some of their voices. Makes me wonder how some people keep on "keeping on", especially at this time of year when everything is supposed to be "holly jolly"...or at least "Christian".

To end this Yuletide blog entry, I want to share something I found on a computer that was given to me as a "Moving In/Christmas gift". Its Christian theme and the sadness attached kind of sums up the holidays, sadly, for so many.


It Had Come To This

It is here
at the end of everything
that I may best analyze the course of yesterdays long gone
those turns I'd taken
decisions I made
illusions I cherished
dreams that never fulfilled
so many hearts I've broken
and promises
that I knew I could never bring to pass

My family and all those I cherished helpless before me
I saw myself as a samaritan to those in need
thinking I could carry the entire world upon myself
and wondering why now the weight is too great to be borne

Now who is the one who may come and help that samaritan who became the abandoned wayfarer?
Laying in his blood and crowds are passing him by
without so much as noticing him
and giving such insignificant help
what that man requires is a complete blood transfusion
see how I have reached the limit
and I cannot go any further
yet I keep grasping for that forsaken ideal
and the more I extend my arms
the further away the goal carries itself further away from me

That I cannot heal that wound on my own
my strength has waned
and determination
will not last the fading day
see as I have not always seen
with those eyes of reality
the literal chains that bind me
see how inadequate I am
for this society made of morals, ethics, I was always denied

Overconfident
generous of that which i did not possess
dead on arrival
Christ never agreed to pay for that which I now owe
my soul I have sold for twice nothing
and told Satan to keep the change





Ciao (and Merry HoHo)

if I ever lose my mouth, I won’t have to talk...

Song Of The Moment

I'll start by telling you of my "walk" last week. I was up early last Friday to make the walk into town in order to pay some bills (a walk I hope NOT TO DO every 2 weeks, I might add!). My walk to town brought me by many familiar places, but, more so, it took me by every school I had attended in youth.

Firstly, Charlottetown Rural...my old high school. Walking by it, I remembered walking to the corner store across the highway to get lunch and rent video games for "afterschool entertainment". (Super Mario Bros 3...yeah baby! Castlevania and MegaMan.....NES, you served me well). When I think of all the people I knew from high school, they all feel so familiar to me still, even though I stopped talking to them all when we all went our seperate ways once we all graduated. Names like Donald MacDonald, Duanne Pound, Tracey Burke, etc....they still bring up familiar memories to me. Duanne calling me "Hugh Dog" for the full 3 years....still laugh when I think of it now

Next on my walk was my grade school, Sherwood Elementary. I walked past the 6 doors for that school and remembered how each Grade had a particular door. Grade 3 was my favorite grade, only because that door had TWO cross bars by it that you could climb up and do hanging acts off of it. I remember Donald daring me to climb up one and jump down. 3 days before I could go back to school after that one...

Lastly was the middle school, Stonepark Junior High, where I learned things like German, philosophy and such things that a kid my age just did not think of as useful at that time in my Life. .. MAN, I wish I had paid more attention in German class now, remembering the Kraus's, neighbours I had 6 years ago. It was here that I also FULLY discovered girls and also discovered that I was an awkward kid around them ... heh, good memories.

Anyways, getting back to my rambling here....after my walk to town, I went to work. An old school friend works here, coincidentally. Went out to have a cig and was talking to him. The topic turned into people we knew in High school. Steve works at the DVA building and was remarking on how many people we both knew from school tht he has seen at the DVA (yes, the DVA works with death incidents). He kept listing off names, names of people I still had fresh in mind, names of people who I joked with, names of girls I had a crush on,.... names.

Duanne Pound was killed in a windsurfing accident. He went too far out and the current got him,...pulled him under. He was only in his late 20's. Others died of cancer, vehicle accidents, etc. I guess, at that point, I was reminded of my own mortality, my own limited time on this earth. Thinking of this and also knowing that I lasted longer then quite a few people I went to school with does not make me feel accomplished. The opposite actually. I feel like I should do as much as I can with the time I have left before I become just another name for Steve to remark about as "not with us anymore"...another grave-maker beyond a burned bridge, so to speak...












Btw, was going to have "Alma Mater" by Alice Cooper as the song for this posting but, it just doesn't give the same meaning, the feeling of hopelessness at ones own destiny and the acceptance of it.

Ciao

What else should I be?

Song Of The Moment

In todays society, with its digital videos, cell phones and downloaded Christmas cards, people have stopped appreciating the simple beauty of a rose. Its fragrance goes unnoticed and its true meaning is lost. When did the paper-wrapped flower bouquet become replaced by an iPod?
In any case, I have always believed in giving roses to people who are special to me...but, just in case I forgot someone along the way, here is your rose.







This pink rose is for my ex-wife, Janet. It signifies my appreciation to her for not letting me destroy my relationship with my daughter when our marriage broke up. Her courage showed only as bitterness and anger to all around her, but, in the end, she has risen up and shown who she can be... strong for those that deserve it.

Thank you Janet.

This rose is for my first love, Tanya. So long have I known her...to this day, even though our paths have taken us away from each other, we can still laugh, talk and remember the good times with a smile. This rose signifies the friendship I have in her ... and the friend she will always have in me, regardless.


For my daughter, Amber, I give you this white rose. Your innocence has proven to me, time and time again, that no matter what the problem is, there's *always* a solution. Your love has kept me going for all these years and you don't even fully know this yet.

Here's your rose, sweetie...Daddy always loves you.


This flower might or might not ever have an owner. This rose is for the woman that captures my heart, never to let it go. I have given this rose to several people in my lifetime, only to discover that they deserved a different color. So for now?... this rose will stay with me, until that person crosses my path and decides to make it home.


This flower is laid on the ground, beside a stone in the country. I lay it there in the hopes that Mom will look down from Heaven and see it. I hope and pray she knew how grateful I am for all that she tried to teach me about Life and love. And I hope someday to see her again and show to her how much her teachings did for me.


This rose does not exist, but, its meaning holds true all the same. I give this flower to myself, on long dark days, when the sun refuses to shine in my heart...I will look at this rose and know that "anything is possible and even the unattainable can be reached."




~Ciao~




They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.
- Ernest Dowson, 1867 - 1900

Too many people making too many problems

Song Of The Moment

Election time is upon us again, apparently. There is alot of talk about it at work..."Christmas Election's going to spoil the holidays" is all that I hear now Isn't an election supposed to generate thoughts of "What can you do for me in the gov't?", not "Oh man! Why are you guys holding an election during Christmas?" I have YET to hear a members givings or what they can do for me if elected...only backstabbing. I was going to vote this year, now...I'm not too sure I will

Voting is a human right, the right to have someone appointed into a place of power and to make decisions that will, ultimately, affect the way we live. Not once have I voted and not been in favor of the persons standings...this year I have no one to favour. Why should I vote for someone if they are slandering someone else? And, as I said before, I haven't heard anything good yet from ANY candidate, no "I'll increase wages" or "I'll do something about the debt" or "Hell, I'll juggle fire-balls while whistling yankeedoodle". Personally, if I have to ask what you can do for this country, YOU aren't the person I am going to vote for. Thanks.

Its no wonder half the world is at war, isn't it? No one wants to make a difference: all we want to do now is muscle our way into power so we can relax with the big, fat paycheque that comes with the position. All good and fine I suppose....*I'd* do the same, if *I* were a slimy, political character, the sort that has no morals or scruples, the kind that lies somewhere inbetween mud-puddle scum and lawyers in the food chain. But I am not. *I* would NOT make for a good member of parliment. I know that I am not though. I think most of the candidates running should realize this about themselves and stop messing the rest of us around, while they get fat off of our short-comings.

Thats just the thoughts of one disgruntled non-voter though.





Ciao

its something unpredictable

Song Of The Moment

I am a big Stephen King fan...well, more or less. I'm not a fanatic, but I think his ideas are awesome. Just watched "The Langoliers" the other night and was reminded of his unique "thought processes".

First off, I'll give you some inside information on this movie...nothing special when it comes to cinematography, looks like it was "Made for TV" all the way. Acting can be lame in MANY spots and the "Special FX" at the end are nothing compared to todays standards. Ok, with *that* out of the way, let me fill you in on the guts of the movie.

The Langoliers is basically "What if Back To The Future was a horror movie?" Thats right, time travel...but with some interesting twists. Ever since Mr Speilberg turned Mr. Fox into a bigger star then he already was, people have had the idea that time travel was a realistic idea, that you could go back and see people and things that happened long ago. Well, what if "time" disappears after it happens, leaving nothing in its wake but a dead world, waiting to disappear? Would you really want to go back to 1955, only to see nothingness...darkness...a world where nothing exists anymore? This is how it is though, time is a monster that either hunts you down, runs beside you, teeth gnashing at your sides...or waits for you up ahead, with its claws out...so you better make the best of the run you have, 'cause there ain't much waiting for you at the finish line...

In the movie, most of the main characters have had something "in the past" that haunts them. .. or do they? Have they just stopped moving through time normally, wanting to rest in that time that haunts them because the time they are moving through is too painful for them? Some of them, yes, and when time goes by without you, you are left with a dead world to live in. *This* is why you can't live in the past, there's nothing there for you!...We all learn this in different ways, I suppose though, I know I have...

Anyways, thats my thoughts for the night. Time to get off the pc and do something productive.






Ciao

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see

Song Of The Moment

So, I was finishing the "unpacking" process...you know, where you *think* everything is put away but there's still that box in the corner that you have been using as an end table...*that* sort of thing....anyways, I was unpacking one of those boxes and came across several "love letters" from an old girlfriend of mine. Now, usually, I get melancholy very easily....such was the case with these. Re-reading the words of a lost-love is always hard....figuring out "what to do with them now" is even tougher.

I kind of realize I cannot just throw them away, seeing as how, at one point, they were meaningful. Thinking of this though reminds me of a convo I had had with an old love, when she had come across my "box of memories". You see, every guy has a shoebox....no really, its true! Now what the shoebox looks like is always different, but the fact that they have one to keep all those things that make them who they are remains the same. Mine is an old shoebox from the shoes I bought for my wedding, actually. Anyways, upon discovering it and going through it, she found old love letters from girls I had known and was wondering why I had kept them. I didn't really know how to answer her at the time, other then to tell her that "they meant something at the time and to throw them out when the love was gone meant that I was ignoring those times altogether". This troubled her, as it should....I loved "her", not this woman from the past, right?

Quick switch to present day

I now have letters from this woman, whom was wondering why I kept letters from another woman. Do I "keep them in my box of memories for another love to find" or do I dispose of them and forget that those times ever happened? Now, I realize that tossing out the actual material does not mean I am throwing out those memories, but, If I don't need to forget those times, why would I throw out the evidence of them? Shouldn't I respect the owner of these things properly? ... I have decided to mail them back to her. I will keep the memories where only *I* can see them...she can have the actual material to do with as she pleases. Sure, this sounds kinda mean, sending an "old love" old love letters (mean yet ironic)....but, really, its not meant that way. I am a stickler for keeping things in its place...and these things have no real place with me now, do they?

Maybe she will remember the question posed and realize the answer given....maybe....






Ciao

don't let the sound of your own wheels drive ya crazy

Song Of The Moment

Where to start....where to start..., well, I'm all moved in ... place is looking really good ... and I'm starting to notice those *little things* I forgot to take with me when I packed, such as dish cloths (damn dishes), extension cords (damn electronic applicances) and garbage cans (damn...uh...garbage??) In any case, its nice to be back on my own again. Upstairs neighbours are getting a nice "thank you" cake tomorrow for the cups of sugar borrowed the first few days (and to whomever left the coffee and the whitener in a bag on the doorknob yesterday, thanks!)

A friend of mine commented on an earlier blog that I should "live in the moment and see life as a journey, not a destination". Very true words. Last night, a co-worker gave me a kitten. Cute little thing too, meows like NO tomorrow .... even though, it was nice to come home and relax, watch some tv and just watch the kitten play. Nothing soothes the nerves more then watching kittens at play I have found. THATS taking things in the moment. I wasn't worried about what the next paycheque would give me, I wasn't worried about whether my little girl would do well at school (even though its always a concern)...all I was, was at peace with everything. I highly recommend it...just turn off that switch that controls all your stress levers and R-E-L-A-X!

Still, even though I spent time to "rejuvenate" the nerves, I crave some excitement (Thanks to Misses Mystery-Poster for intriguing my intrest in this blog just recently, btw)...and soon, I am going to have to bust out and do something fun...ppfftt, good luck being the start of winter and all. Maybe after I get my wheels (NEXT CHEQUE HOPEFULLY!!), I'll be more able to get out there and enjoy something that is not "kittie-petting" related. Til then, I guess I'll just be here, hanging around......










Ciao

are you pacified?

Song Of The Moment

Thing about being poor, you never realize you ARE poor unless you are needy in the first place. A long time ago, a very wise man told me the difference between "wants and needs", and that wisdom has stuck with me til now.

"Needs are the things that you 'need' to survive, like food, shelter, clothing...everything else is just a want, regardless of how much it means to you."

Right now, I have shelter, clothing and food. My "wanting" a truck is just that...a want. It isn't neccassary for survival. Hell, I survived long enough without one, haven't I? So, do I define myself by my material goods or by how I act in Life? Thats a no-brainer. I have alot in Life, not just "things", I have had adventures, I have my memories....I have family and friends...and no one can take those things away from me. Eventually, I will have my truck, my paid education and my house .. but until then, I am happy for all that I have gained along the way ... AND, as well, I have "learned" from all that I have lost along the way.

That being said, Friday night, day off again...think I'll go visit my family and relax. Tomorrow, I move more things into my new place and I want to enjoy my night while it is still young.






Ciao

when you're on your own

Song Of The Moment

Well, the lights get hooked up in the new place today. Half my stuff is moved in (couch, beds, bookcase etc.) .. the other half is still in storage though til this weekend. SO, I haven't really spent an actual "night" there yet. Tonight though, going to pack up a few neccessities and take it down. Tonight, I will be living in Cornwall.

Work is going awesome too...overtime up the ol' ying yang. Worked 10 hour shifts the past 3 days. With overtime pay being 13 bucks an hour?...ya, taking FULL advantage of THAT! Now that I am into a new place, my next goal is buying a vehicle. Haven't decided on what exactly....was thinking of a truck, only because of all the "sorry, can't help ya's" I was getting when I was moving into this place...but that decisions' not based on anything but bad moods. A truck would come in handy....more useful for hauling things and more dependable for getting around in the winter. I HAVE decided that it won't be a used one either. The way I see it, a used truck at 500 *might last* for 3 - 4 months before the inevitable breakdown. If I spend that 500 on a down payment on a new one, I get more reliability, longer life AND less chance of the "Can I get a boost?" calls at 7 in the morning.

Other then that?...things are going ok, I figure. Trying to concentrate on moving forward, which means not looking back. Reflecting on the past always gets me stuck in a rut...and I can't afford to do that at this point. No self-pity acts, no "victim" roles being played...just another Canadian guy trying to make something out of this life.






Ciao

have you been half asleep? have you heard voices? I hear them calling my name....

Song Of The Moment

Well, today is the day! Just paid rent and I am NOW officially located in Cornwall!! *can I get an amen?* AND, I will also have electricity!!!.....well, lights "will be" hooked up on Tuesday....4 days with no lights is better then 2 weeks. And now, I can relax in the fact of being on my own again.

Been very VERY independant the past few years...and now that part of me is seeping out all the more. When asked if I wanted a drive today to hook up the lights, I said "No"...only because *I* wanted to do this "on my own"....not to be rude, but I have depended on others in the past and, even though they have all offered in the "best intentions", not all of the offers have come through as said. With that in mind, I now depend on myself only. If others offer to help, thats great!!...but I will always have a back-up plan, just in case.

So now, friday night....day off from work....new place....I think I can afford to relax for the evening, maybe go downtown and shoot some pool. Or go visiting my "long-lost relatives". Either case, this will be the last post I will make from someone else's computer. Future posts will either be from work or when I get the net hooked up at the "new place"....oh, did I mention I JUST got a new place? HAH!! Sorry, gloating is fun, isn't it?




Ciao

for the whole world to read

Song Of The Moment

Another 3 days and I'm *officially* re-located to my new 2 bedroom place, conveniently close to work & the little one. Waiting this out has been rough, and in the process I have re-evaluated the meaning of things, such as "home" for instance.

Home is NOT always where the heart is, although that is what the line says. Home IS where you go when the day is done. Home is where you lay your head down and rest for the coming of the new day. Home is what you are proud of and endure to keep yours, both in possession AND in cleanliness. Home is also where you are safe from Life's troubles and where others can feel comfortable about themselves.

In the past few years, I have had several homes, ranging from bachelor pads to 2 bedroom deals ... right up to houses. The size does not matter..its how it fits into and more enables your life to function that matters. The place I am moving into is a 2 bedroom because I have a little girl who likes to come over. It *is* bigger then my last place, in that it HAS a dining room *woohoo*. AND its close enough to work for me to walk. All things that ensure I am sane and productive.

Its been a wait, and even though, once I get first months rent secured, I am still going to be going 2 weeks with no lights? *ACK*, it will be well worth it in the end. ... finally, on my own again.....

btw : pic was taken from my FIRST place in Morell, way back in 1993


Ciao

did you think I'd lay down and die?

Song of the Moment

My first girlfriend was Tanya. I was 18, she was 16. We were inseperable. We spent hours talking to each other, on the steps of the school or on the phone. Tanya's Dad didn't like me much, which meant careful dating tactics. Basically, she would sneak me into her place when he was gone. If he came home early, in the closet I went. Many a night I spent ducking into her closet at the slightest sound of the door opening. I remember telling her I loved her as G'N'R's "Coma" played in her living room. I remember telling her goodbye when I had to move....I forgive myself for being young and not realizing I hurt her by leaving.

My ex-wife, Janet, wasn't always my ex-wife. I met her at the exhibition, beside the Pirate Ship. My first impression was "tall, lanky and laughs like a horse". 7 years later, I remembered how she had kissed me in the hall of her sisters apartment and asked me to never let her go.....I remembered this as I fell to my knees in anguish in our backyard, beside the swing I built for our little girl, after her telling me "she didn't love me anymore"....I forgive myself for thinking "our" life was "my" life.

*After moving out, I found Tanya and re-kindled what we had, briefly. Time had changed both of us, but there was always that flicker in her eyes when she looked at me, that sense of being home*

My first "crush" was Andrea. She was everything my ex-wife wasn't. Open and free, ambitious and crazy. We did things I still laugh about, like riding kids bikes at 3 AM around her neighbourhood, flipping shopping carts over onto fire hydrants as we wanderd back from the bar and laughing at the mundane things in Life. Andrea was my crush, I was only her "friend". I tore our friendship apart because of it. I remember the last time I saw her, walking defiantly across her yard, daring me to talk to her. I forgive myself for wanting to be with her enough to wreck a friendship.

*Tanya kept in touch with me during this friendship, even though she was with another man, inviting me over and making me welcome. This was the only affair I have ever been part of....and the simple sin of it, even during the innocence of the Christmas season, made it all the more forgiveable to me*

Charlotte was my summer romance. She wandered into my life, like a windstorm, taking me with her. Everything was perfect. That "L" word was everywhere. I gave up everything I had had up to this point to be with her.... moving out of town and away from the Life I knew, making her life mine. I remember her putting her arms around me and saying "How could you ever think you're ugly?" But jealousy tore what we had apart. I forgive myself for learning the hard way what is most important in my life....me

*Tanya is getting married by year end. She emails me every now and then, telling me how her baby boy is and saying she will come to visit when she can.*





Ciao

the wreckage of my past keeps haunting me

Song Of The Moment

Well, I managed to get a place, nice and close to work AND close to the little one. Its almost as close as my old place was to her. Funny how, when I lived in the old place on the highway, I thought how cool it would be to get a job at Online, doing tech support and being close to my little girl. Now?...well, after a few adventures, I have that *insert smile here*

Been thinking lately though about how Life works for your advantage in the end. Past year, I have gone up and down, workwise, moneywise and socialwise. There's no real hint of actual "premeditative" thinking in place as to how I got to where I am in Life right now, other then a want. Imagine if I actually applied myself as to what I want? In the end though, you ultimately get to thinking that you are not where you want to be and get down. To hell with that....I have things in Life and I don't plan on taking them for granted. Anything that happens from here on out is a good thing waiting to happen, as far as *I'm* concerned.

Ok, enough of the spiritual rambling. 10 days before I move into my BIGGER new place. "heh heh"....11 days before the little one comes over to check it out....and not too long before I get my new car. Yup, thats my next goal. Its always good to have a 6 month plan. And if I *am* on a road in Life, I'm not going to be walking it for long. Gonne drive the CRAP out of it





Ciao

the paper holds their folded faces to the floor

Song Of The Moment

I've been watching "Dark Side of the Rainbow" a little bit lately. For all that are not familiar with this, let me give you a little inside information on it. Basically, "Dark Side" is Pink Floyds' "Dark Side of the Moon" synced up to "The Wizard of Oz". Ya, its kinda weird, but a good watch all the same. The coincidences really catch you (like when the cranky old woman appears on her bike or when the house gets lifted up by the twister), ... but thats all it is really. Coincidences.

On a deeper level, things like this happen all the time. We relate older things to newer things and vice versa and make something new out of it. We apply for a job and remembering our experiences with our old jobs, relate it to the new position, making it something new and old at the same time. Faced with a decision, we remember choices we have made in the past and determine what to do based somewhat on those experiences. In the end though, is it creation we are doing or just making something out of nothing? Forcing irony on our lives to make something happen?

All right, enough of the philisophical (full-of-fuck-all) sense. I am currently looking at securing a new place of residence (ie getting a new apartment). Looked around and found a few that were not too badly priced so far. Now, its just a matter of figuring out whether it would be easier to spend more to live closer to work or spend less, live farther away and spend on getting trasportation to work an such? Ahh, the simple pleasures of budgetting.....maybe I'll "sync" this decision up to my past places and get one closer to work and just come to terms with being isolated "way out there", away from town.....






Ciao

just like a wound

Song Of The Moment

Mark was my best friend when I was younger. I remember walking around the block, joking with him about girls, parents....everything. I smoked my first cigarette with him, watched my first horror movie with him (and got scared pissless when he followed me home and jumped out at me from behind a tree). When I met my wife, I moved out of town and lost touch with him. When me and my wife split up, Mark moved in with me. He was a different person then the kid I once knew. Hopped up on pills and baggage from old relationships haunting his once laughing mind, it was the hardest thing to do to tell him to leave. It was like telling my past to go away.

I never knew my Dad. Didn't even know what a Father was til I was 18. I had just gotten my drivers license and needed a car to learn on. Mom told me to "ask Dad...he just lives down the road". For the following year, I drove Dads car everywhere, escorting my then girlfriend around in that old Ford Granada. I never believed the stories of how violent Dad was, throwing fits bad enough to scare Mom that us kids would get hurt. To me?...he was just "an old man who was letting me use his car"....and "My Dad".

When I met my wife, I never thought I would marry her. She was loud and brash...everything I disliked. While in the operating room during the birth of my daughter, I remembered the "brash & loud" woman whom I had met so long ago and looked over at this woman, tears in her eyes, holding our little girl. It wasn't the same woman....and even though we are now parted, every once in a while I remember that woman, the one that cried when our daughter sang to us minutes after being born.







Ciao

I'm lazy today...here's a Repost from May

Song of the Moment

I can still smell the interior of the Oldsmobile Toronado as the wife and I drove down the slightly sloping dirt road to the cemetary, followed by my sisters van and my brothers economy car. It smelt of pine and misery.
I was and still am a big Alice Cooper fan and that Summer I discovered that he had done albums AFTER the band had broken up and BEFORE Trash and Hey Stoopid came out. I ordered "Goes To Hell" first (straight from Germany) and listened to it religiously on the Olds' tape deck as I drove back and forth from Ch'town to Morell everyday.
That Spring, Mom got sick and had to be admitted to Outpatients. The cancer she had been fighting for almost 5 years was getting worse. They ended up taking both of her breasts and she was miserable because of it. I offered her to stay with the wife and I out in Morell, because she was from out that way and so she wouldn't have to stay alone at her apartment in town.
She lived with us for a month that can only be described as "dream-like". She was happy and smiling and doing things. The family came to visit often and brought tea for her or just came to visit. I thought everything was great.
Then, one night, I heard her crying as I came home late from work. I seen her in the spare room, smiling so big with tears running down her face. She was gasping and holding her side painfully. "I can't stay with you anymore, Hughie", she said and started to cry harder. I gave her a hug and sat there for the longest time.
We drove her back to the hospital the next day. The cancer had, once again, progressed and it was only a matter of time before she was gone. I can remember taking Stephen Kings "The Stand" into the hospital many an afternoon, and reading it as she slept in the cage-like bed.
She would sometimes wake up, in a drug-induced stupor, and think I was Dad and ask if I took off my boots...I learned to answer "Yes I did" and let her get the rest she needed.
It was an early tuesday morning that my sister Charlotte called me at home and said "Come now, she isn't going to last much longer"...I rushed out the door with the wife and sped like hell to the hospital. The tape deck came on automatically and played "Goes To Hell" for us.
When we got there, my sister looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "oh my god hughie...its too late...its too late.." She kept saying that, as my brothers and sisters looked confusingly about the room, not knowing what they were seeing. David kept saying "what do we do now" for a minute or two and left, ultimately to break down in the hallway on his knees.
Mom's face was so content and tranquil, like she was just sleeping. I remembered then what she would look like as I would wake her up on Saturday mornings so we could watch cartoons and go to the store for a "comic book surprise". I remembered then what her face looked like when she sat in the front row of my high school gymnasium and watched me accept my diploma.

I never cried until the wake. I wasn't alive for those 2 days previous. I would do things and not know why I did them, always asking "what am I doing?" When my Dad walked up to the coffin and bowed his head, I only seen the tear in his eyes, the same eyes that hadn't set sight on Mom for almost 20 years. I saw that he still cared for her. I saw that he regretted not being there. I fell to the floor and stopped breathing. My sister Anne says there were tears in my eyes and David said he *knew* it was coming but couldn't and wouldn't stop it, it had to happen. I had my first *nervous breakdown*....

I drove the Olds to the country cemetary close to where the house I was born in is. Nothing was said in the car, only Mr Cooper was talking, asking me to wake him gently if I could.






Ciao

i'm a different man

Song Of The Moment

A weekend in the middle of the week? What the heck?!? Apparently I get to relax for the next 2 days while everyone else grumbles about their monday to friday workstyle....oh well. I have things to do as well. Wednesday I have to scan the area around work for potential apartments. Then, Online has a pool thing-a-mah-bob at Dooly's in the evening (free pool + drink specials = I'm in). Thursday is, hopefully, going to be the day I get the rest of my things from my old roomies (truck needed : apply within!)

Last few days, been seeing this real nice girl. Didn't want things to escalate. but, they did. Now?..we're talking about really serious subjects and I don't know what to make of it. I've been messed around alot in the past and, even though I am as flexible as the last guy, I really don't want to be used or frigged around with. The way we have things now is ok, warm conversation, little necking now and then (*smiles*)...but, after the relationship from out-of-town?...I just don't know where I stand mentally relationship-wise. Guess for now I'll just let it sit and see. I have work to consider, a place to live to obtain. And then, there's my little one. How does she enter into this all?
TO BE CONTINUED.........

Anyways, time to get ready for the "last work day of the week".
*get his best phone voice on and pretends to give a crap about a strangers computer problems*




Ciao

wallet-sized photos of the queen

Song Of The Moment

Payday has come and gone and let me tell ya, being held back pay is a crappy way to start any job but, with enough time and irritating patience, I should make this work. With enough money to pay my dearly seperated ex-wife, my little girls rapidly growing RESP and some left over to spend on moving costs to move things from my ex girlfriends house, it was a welcome break to get out for pool and convo last night with my Ontario-PEI lady.

Even though most of my good friends insist that I am going to "move right in" with this one, I am trying to see if I CAN, for once, take it slow. I have been through alot (not saying most people in Life haven't been) and I have come to realize that staying true to yourself and seeing what your expectations OF yourself is much more important then the simple desire to "be with someone". I've done things, I've seen things...but in the end, I want no regrets.
*besides, this one is somewhat my type intellectually*

Rain is pouring down at present and my thoughts are returning to days of old and how they have changed to now. I am reminded of a Robert Frost poem that almost entirely defines my feelings on this rainy October afternoon...
"Natures first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."





Ciao

me and my ragged company

Song Of The Moment


Two posts today...hey, what can I say? IN a good mood...Original artwork by me over there by the way. Drew that one in 1992. Wow, over a decade old...should make me feel old, but it doesn't. 32 isn't that bad. Once you reach the "upper" 30's...36, 37...then I think it would be kind of depressing....

Well, I got a date for the weekend! My Ontario-PEI lady and I are going out to shoot some pool. Its funny....only reason I *had* for calling her was to see if she was up for doing anything for the weekend....wound up chatting for a few hours. Its nice to be able to talk to someone cultured yet down to earth like her. I mean, she's into landscaping (re-doing a large garden outside her house) and painting (apparently she and I have to get together for a "draw-off")....but, also, she isn't prude and uptight about how she does things. She isn't the type of person, I think, who would have "15 steps to cleaning up after you have a shower", lets say. Or *INSIST* you remove your shoes when you walk in...and then spend the day sweeping up dirt from the floor anyways. And her sense of humour is unreal! Reminds me of something off of Comics. She says I have an accent.....an "island" accent. I don't know *aboot* that, eh.....heh.

Anyways, short post for now. I have a long week ahead of me til the weekend. Counting the days.....





Ciao

gonna write you off the page

Song of the Moment

Well, its been an eventful few days. Had the fortunate luck to see what happens when you give your friend your honest opinion on how they do things. Can't really go into great details but, lets just say it wouldn't sit well with most what was going on in the household. Kind of wish they didn't take it like they did.... telling me to leave. It really was something that I disliked about them from the very begginning...something that, really, is inhumane and shouldn't be happening anywhere! But, well, you know how friends are? You can't tell them their short-comings for thier being your friend.
When their faults interfere with your life though? Its time to put your foot down for what you believe in. I don't regret it....I'm better for not putting up with it anymore.

And, as well, I got to learn about the nature of people and their want to help. With no where to go, a new friend of mine invited me to stay with her til I could get my own place. Its cool too because she knows that we are "just friends"... besides, even though she is very giving, she just isn't my type. Thats ok though, she's good enough to be my friend.

Speaking of my type, went out on a blind date just last night (kind of odd, seeing as how the night before I was virtually homeless) and met a very funny, attractive woman.... Well, I thought, as I usually do on first dates, that it would be awkward and uncomfortable. 6 hours later?..we were still chatting about everything from Life to friends to romance. She's awesome, she just moved back from Ontario to her home in Mount Stewart and you can definately see the Ontario-ian in her (drives like the cops are chasing ... just kidding heh). What started off at 7 PM, ended off with my friend watching me and her say our "goodbyes" (big smile here) in the parking lot at 2 AM. Now I sit here, next day, friend left for work and I kind of want to give my Ontario-PEI lady a call. Maybe I will......








Ciao

charlie hotel alpha november golf echo

Song Of The Moment

Finally Friday! Whoooo! Time to take off the "Apple Hat" and get some R & R. Got a call from one of the head guys at Advantage today. A good friend of mine referred me for a job there, after seeing my website and some of my works, ... and after helping her with her site.
Sounds promising, mainly website hosting. Something I would definately be interested in but, since I have taken on Online, they are my first priority (unless Advantage can beat Onlines' offer that is ....
(*hinthintwinkwink* to either companys' heads reading this)

Took some time after work this evening to try out a new cafe. 56 St. Peters Road, Gingers Cafe. I have to tell you, LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING!! I seen the place a long time ago and thought "just another small-time coffee shop that will likely go under"...but no way man! What coffee shop on the island has 1) Live entertainment on a friday night 2) pool tables 3) smoking room 4) antique harely davidson in the corner? This place blew my mind!! I *highly* recommend it to anyone looking for a different way to go out on a date, as it cuts the traditionality and gives you a little of BOTH coffe shop and pool hall. (and yes, I said I would plug the spot in my blog tonight so there!)

Got to thinking back when I got home. Have been going through a bunch of old pictures. The past 3 years have really been eventful and change-filled for me. This time 3 years ago?...I knew very little about the computer, was kind of withdrawn when it came to meeting people and didn't have any intrest in any kind of "path in Life" Now, I look at myself and see how much I have accomplished over the short period of time that has passed. I've gathered a "cult-like" following online (try google searching DividableFiend), I've managed to pursue one career to its peak and start another, hopefully more fulfilling career, have had several romantic interludes AND have done alot as a Father...and an individual. I guess it just goes to show that *sometimes* you have to look in the rearview in order to see where you've been so you know how far you've come.

Anyhoos, its late and, since its the weekend, I have ALOT of sleeping in to do tomorrow morning :D







Ciao

2003 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~2005