You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

Life encompasses me
Circling around the room
Can't grab hold of it
Can only reflect my image onto it

It would appear that I am needed
Even though most would disagree
My eyes can't lie
I am the judge of that

So you spread your hate
Seeding it deep
How listless to productive work you are
When your spite grows more every day

Content with my place
At ease with shortcomings
Is it all for a greater purpose
Or is this just another dice toss?

Not that it matters
I'm here ... can't change that
So, why is it, instead of making good of it
I'm buried in a nameless grave?

To Hell with your opinion
Just as mine was cast to flames
It's time to count the failures by what was learned
Not by what went wrong

Control is in the eye of the beholder
And you have none over me
This path grows more interesting
And I really can't stop to chat

And how I used to be

Watching my shadow fall
On a different doorstep
Analyzing from a safe distance
The consequences without consequence

Certain rituals must be passed
Fill out this form please
Only in pen, no forgetting the past
Signed in someone elses name

Why bother buying what soon will be broken?
No precaution can prevent
Realize the inevitability of Time
And rip the clock from the wall

Soon, the Deja Vu will overcome you
Like calendar pages in the wind
Best to land where you started
Like the journey never happened

And we slowly move forward and together
And lose more everyday
And the songs only playing from the middle
Silver medals for all

Stuck in a world of isolation while the ivy grows over the door

Swine will dine on the oysters prize
And wild dogs run free through the church
Someone has profited from the absence of caution
The world has ended and began somewhere

But the headlines are blurred beyond reason
The fine print bold and underlined
It all makes sense when you close your eyes
And think about nothing at all

Trapped between the then and the when
Trying to brace up the doors
But the damn phone won't stop ringing
Even though there's nobody home

And the irony of it all is the incomprehensible release
The invisible milestones marking the way
Pictures made of cellophane; Letters written in white
No one the wiser for the hole that's been dug

Undeserved and taking more/Setting fire to the locks and keys

You've shown me eventually what you'll do

I don't know you through a smile and a "Hi"
It takes more then the cover of the book
To understand its' story

So, don't pretend like you know me
You don't even know yourself
Come back when you've found whomever makes your decisions

And don't judge me
One day, I'll be in your jury box
Holding a book cover, biting my tongue

Besides the point, it all comes full circle
And we've all been there before
Funny how easy we forget

Forget the bad when the good comes knocking
And the days turn into years
While others age in a day, some take forever

Aging outwards, growing stale as reality blurs by
Trying hard to pick out the familiar faces in the crowd
Time-lapse memory

So don't think for a moment that you know me
I am you
And you are lost

It will astound you

Looking back through the yellowed pages of yesterday
Walking down paths not traveled by myself for years
Old pictures soiled by the pains of Today
Close the book before Tomorrow stains it more

Close your eyes and look again; It's not stained
Time has played a trick on you
The places and faces are still there
You only need see them in a different light

Because eventually, you will grow bored and feel trapped
And the loom of humanity will make another pass
Tying one thread to another
Until it is all one again







Ciao

It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain

Song Of The Moment

Left the window open a crack
Never thinking it would rain
Reprimanded myself, when distanced from it
Sitting in front of it, it remains the same

The sound of the cars, swimming forward on the road
The only audience to my little play
Where I am center-stage, staring blankly
Forgot my lines again

And even though the rain comes in
The foul air inside is free to escape, should it wish
This is not the reason it remains open, however
Something deeper keeps me from closing it

Something that makes me keep old letters
Keeps me from deleting emails
Causes personality traits that seem alien to most
Protects those memories that I, alone, remember

Soon though, this will not prevent it from being shut
The cold needs to be kept out
Lock out the strangers and close the drapes
Nobody's home

I should've held on harder to my innocence...

Frigging right I'm starting over.
Clean slate, no hate
Been too long living with this grey skyed sight
May as well be blind

I've made enough mistakes in the past
To know when and where not to make them next time
I've learned, seen and lived
And now I just want amnesia

Blue skies & innocence can be found
You just need to bite your tongue
Insert a laugh when you can
And stop being stubbornly wrong

Open your damn eyes!
See what you're making?
No one wants that
So start over

his code not functional or elegant

Hugh has joined the conversation
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Hugh says:
Hey guys! What's up?

(O)Time(O) says:
Nothin'. Took ya long enough to log in, didn't ya?

Hugh says:
Ya, got tied up a bit at work. You the only one here?

(O)Time(O) says:
Dude! I'm ALWAYS here! LOL!

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(*)Fate(*) has joined the conversation
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(*)Fate(*) says:
WHASSUP!!!!1

(O)Time(O) says:
Hey fate. We were just talkin' about ya!

Hugh says:
Hey fate. um, time? I don't remember talking about fate?

(O)Time(O) says:
Ohhh yes you were! lol! "Hugh says: got tied up at work" LOL

Hugh says:
Piss off time lol

(*)Fate(*) says:
I am lkike SOOOIOOOO wasted rtight now!!!1!!!!!

(O)Time(O) says:
Oh great... figures. Hey fate? Do anything today?

(*)Fate(*) says:
R U KIDDING??? DRINBKING IS THE ONly thing i dfo therse dfays!!!111 thank gawd fer bacardui!!111

Hugh says:
LOL!!

------------------------------------------
(S)Destiny(S) has joined the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Destiny!!!

Hugh says:
Hey destiny! What's up?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey guys

(*)Fate(*) says:
WHOOOOOOOOOHJOOOOOOO!!!!!111!! DERSTINY IS IN DFA HOUSE!!!!!11

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Lemmee guess ... Bacardi's is on sale?

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
LOL

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey hugh man? How was your day?

Hugh says:
Not too bad. went out trick or treating with the little one. She's over for the weekend too.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's awesome man! She must be having fun! get lots of candy, or were you out for long?

Hugh says:
Yeah, half a pillow-sack (Man, that term did NOT exist before tonight! it's pillow CASE!!! LOL)

(S)Desting(S) says:
lol, awesome man.

(*)Fate(*) says:
BRB GOTTA PEE

Hugh says:
...nice....gonna tell us when you flush too?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
LOL

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
yeah, things are pretty nice tonight. Sitting back, listening to some tunes.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's honestly good to hear man. Gotta say, I was thinking you were in another slump, y'know?

Hugh says:
yeah, well, there's up's and there's downs. For right now, I'm content.

(O)Time(O) says:
Word

(S)Destiny(S) says:
So, you're not worrying anymore about all that shit you were going on about?

Hugh says:
Oh, I could be. I just don't want to be, y'know? Besides, tomorrow is a new day, right? You just don't know what will happen. May as well laugh and joke around while i can

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Verrrrry wise, young paddewon.... learned the force you have lol

Hugh says:
LOL, you are such a nerd, dude!

(O)Time(O) says:
LAWL!!

(*)Fate(*) says:
K GHUYS IM BACVK!!1

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Jesus...that's MY cue. Night all!

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(S)Destiny(S) has left the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Yup, it's that time... lol! take 'er easy Hugh

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(O)Time(O) has left the conversation
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(*)Fate(*) says:
WTF??//

Hugh says:
Seriously man. Sobre up

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Hugh has left the conversation
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Why do I care?

Hey Hugh! ... or Fiend, or UUUU ... whatever you go by. Wanted to remind you of this, since I know you're pretty forgetful at times (well, some of the times). You're not that bad off man. Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?

No seriously man. I'm not joking. That produce sticker on your phone? Remember how it got there? Remember coming home, seeing the phone, remembering all the bad phone calls you've had on it, thinking you have to make the phone look different somehow, so you'd have something other then just the bad memories to think of when you walked by it?
Remember how you "actually" hunted for a sticker to put on it, like a smiley face or something, and couldn't find one? Then you actually thought of taping a hand-drawn smiley face on it, shook your head saying "Now, that's just crazy" and forgot about it?
Remember after you got a peach from the fridge, sat down to eat it and bit into the produce sticker, what you said?

Yup! That's right!

"Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?"

So, if you're still worrying about the things you can't change the next time you read this, stop, ok? C'mon, there's a ton more you could be doing right now?

Like finding a way to make the sour things look ok...

When did I change?

I'd like to say a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to the asshats that completely screwed my day up. It's nice to know that, even though you and yours are NOT keeping a positive outlook on this whole Fathering thing, you can take that extra step to continually make my Life Hell. Bravo!

Now, even though your work was flawless (and probably took little to no effort), there were a few minor tweaks you could try next time for added interest. I'll list them here, in no specific order.

1. Try mimicking her voice tone as well as her wordings. This way, it will be like I'm actually talking to HER, .. wait, apologies .. "getting yelled at by" is a better terminology. Not that I can't hear her in the background, mind you, but as you've claimed, your phone is pretty sketchy sounding, making everything said away from the receiver sound like Charlie Browns teacher. So, for example, sentences like "She's getting migraines because of all this stress. I'm going to take her medical reports to child services if you don't stop." would sound better if you use a higher-pitched, controlling tone.

2. A question like "I told you I was going to see her from such and such a time on such and such day. Don't you remember?" should be answered with "Crap, I wrote that down I think but I don't think I could find it now, place is pretty messy", followed by the sounds of rummaging through something. Yes, I know, this is lying (You DON'T write anything I tell you about scheduling, even though I asked. GOOD!), but it would add an extra level to the whole drama!!

3. Instead of just hanging up on me, putting the phone down and calling me down would be acceptable. It's been done before, so it's tried-tested and TRUE! Good examples of calling me down could be "Grow up and act like a man.", "Why would I let her hang around with someone like you?" or "We ALL think you don't care."

Everything else is spot-on though! I'd say "Keep up the work!" but, that would be said with too much sarcasm. That and, I have absolutely NO doubt this kind of thing will continue for a few more years, until the hate stops.

My Daughter drew a picture a few weeks ago. I asked her what it was. She told me it was her happy thoughts. You see, in my Daughters happy thoughts, the sun is shining, her and I and our kittens have gone for a summers picnic. NO WHERE in this picture was there a phone receiver being disconnected abruptly, no silhouettes of people yelling at each other over TRIVIAL things.






Just something to think about.

the world's not round without you

The calendar does not keep time, the photo album does
Birthday cards are just reminders of how much time has passed
Too much time has passed, and I could not stop the hands of the clock
1/2 price sticker on my sleeve

Ran all the peaceful moments out of town
No room for them in the silent turmoil
The self-guided madness I control
And which controls me

I live in the long drawn-out silences
The empty spaces between the fence boards
I seem to be part of it all
But the absence of me is what keeps it all together

Everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real

Let's talk about being fake.

Fake people will say whatever they can to get what they want. They do this for several reasons; being scared, brought up as manipulative, overwhelming situations, and of course, just to be an arse. I cannot understand why, ... HOW someone could see being two-faced or fake can possibly benefit anyone or anything.

I'm not saying there is not a time and place for "white lies". I tell my daughter on a weekly basis that I'm not sad when she goes home ("because I know you're coming over again next week!"), if only to solidify the fact that she WILL be coming over and to save her having to make a "choice".
Complete.and.total.lie. I work 2 jobs, so as to distract myself from this empty and silent house. You'd think after all these years I'd learn that it only distracts me from doing the dishes, laundry, sleeping, etc.
But, I say this in the hopes she will believe it, and be happy.

Fake people do not tell "white lies". They only tell good ol' fashioned "LIES", re-worded as 'bending the truth'. Fake people usually ignore the situations reality and make up their own reality in their head (one that suits their purpose) and act accordingly, oblivious to how their actions are affecting anyone. There are names and there are faces, but now is not the time for that. It's already passed, and this is the aftermath.

I despise someone acting fake, if you haven't already guessed. I have been plagued by fakers for too long, so now paranoia sets in and labels all. I'm going to have to apologize to everyone for not believeing a single DAMN thing you say, but I really don't. You cannot prove your honesty to me. Perception is a killer, and one of these days a faker will try to warn me of something only to be silently shut down, resulting in my loss.

But, at the very least, it will be MY loss. No one else affected. Contained to only my hemisphere, where the clouds are blue and dark, and all the mail is stamped "Return to Sender".

Find another place to feed your greed, while I find a place to rest

You can either rationalize your inner dialogue into your every day Life
Or cover it up, allowing its cancer to spread through you
With its sickly sweet mask of normalcy

Everyone wears a perfect costume day-to-day
Dry-cleaned and ironed or stained and faded, it's all the same
Distraction from the Truth

The Truth is what drives you without you knowing
Deny it and it proves you weak
Accept it and be cast out into emptiness

Think back to your happiest moments
Were they supported by lies, fear, deceit?
If they were, you do not and cannot understand

Being free means being able to forsee the Future
And while predicting the Future, looking back from that unknown point ahead of you
And seeing yourself without regret

I do not want from you what you do not have
After all, we all wear the same uniform

All the world's a stage, it's just that I ain't on it anymore

Just another night
Just another day ended
And even though I tried
I come home empty-handed

These walls tell me lies
It's all they have heard, after all
Have to drown out the fake stories being told
With the slow-moving reality

Mirrors reflect the door, making more escape routes
Doubling the company
But when no one enters, no one leaves
And these walls are not my friends

Two clocks on different walls
Ticking off-beat to each other
One is the Past, the other the Now
And both won't wait

The pictures are all weathered and torn
Missing important pieces
Keeping the dust-covered facts
And denying the Future its' hold

When Night falls, there is no change
It's only closer to tomorrow
But tomorrow has turned into yesterday
And my hands are still empty

When life is hard, you have to change

"The children of separation are always targets for hurt. I should know, coming from a separated family. They either never get to know both their parents, or they are tugged between the 2, in some unneeded control struggle.
I remember when my wife left me, hurt alot, all I had was my little girl. Big responsibility for someone who's Life just came crashing down. Time though has a way of not exactly mending peoples scars, but allowing them to forget the scars. Some things are just more important.

I am sorry if you don't want me to be her Father, but I am. I don't know if that's how you feel, but it seems like it most days. I am equally as sorry that you are mad at me, more because I don't know how to stop it. All I can tell you are the facts. You have full custody of my Daughter. My Daughter has a Father who loves her very much.

Please don't keep her away from me again."

2 hours spent writing this. Trying to delete what was being written out of vengeful spite. In the end though, I couldn't click that little "Add Comment"" button. 'Sleep on it' a friend advised. So I did.
And now, here it is, a part of the whole. A short chapter in the story, tucked away in my world, openly viewable by all. I won't continue the fight by adding fuel directly to the fire, but I won't keep the shit in either.

Bottled shit smells badly after a while.








Ciao

And these memories lose their meaning

I am doing absolutely horrible, but don't I have an awesome smile?

Why in the hell am I so down on the inside? It's funny but today I got to thinking, I have more then what I seem to. I have so damn many friends and awesome memories. So what if I haven't found what I'm looking for? The road behind me is filled with moments that keep me going. They happened and made me what I am right at this moment, smiling and at peace.

Is it all bout me? No, it's about what I can do. Ripping down what stops me from doing what I can. An old friend once told me "Be happy for today." I've remembered it from time to time, and it has always brought me back to the light. And now, when I need it most, I am.

A long time ago, I wrote this:
"Far behind the crowd but close enough to hear.
The Life that I wanted is still nowhere near.
And why won't this pen free the tears from my eyes?"

I think I need to try to finish it:

"I've walked through the crowd and took what I may
Life's journey is not over so I cannot stay
My eyes look forward, my soul reaches back."







Ciao

If I could go back in time to the place in my soul, there all alone

To the one I love(d), to the one who doesn't share it this time
Is it all about me, or something bigger? How does one straighten a crooked line?


I fight "The Past" daily, as it jumps out from under the ground
Shaking the dust of yesterday off of it's mane
Shooting its venomous darts at me, slowing my responses
I watch as, one by one,
the people I know get sucked under the earth
Pulled away from this world, the one where I can relate
To the one where I don't fit
It will tie me up and drag me away too if I try to run

So I choose to live among it
Watching helplessly as, one by one,
the people I know get dragged away
All with perfectly complacent smiles
Unaware of the silent horrors they are being subjected to
I stand silently, dressed in confusion
Speaking the words none other but "The Past" may understand
Because the truth is so horrible, it will haunt my dreams for all time

I am the only suitable case study in lonliness
In this world, filled with thousands, who cannot see me
So I ask myself again? Is it all about me?
Swimming in the dust of the past
Making no effort or claim to the good or bad
Using the slowest form of time travel to have one question answered

You cannot change "The Past", you can only keep it dear
You can use "The Past" to shape "The Future"
With the answer before me, the beast becomes still
The blur around me slows to pitch
And I am free







Ciao

Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

1. What is your occupation? Fish Philosophy guy
2. What color are your socks right now? Is "dirty" a color?
3. What are you listening to right now? Rolling Stones - Paint it Black
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A cup of coffee, yes, I literally ate it, it *was* about 3 hours old after all
5. Can you drive a stick shift ? Why, you need a lift or something?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? *heavy sigh* oh Misses Email Quiz Thingy .... don't EVER change, ok?
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? a Meat Puppet
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I have to, if I don't *at least* force some sort of like, he'll break into my house and shed back hair all over my f##kin bathtub, methinks....
9. How old are you today? 35 years, 6 mos & 20 days old
10. Favorite drink milk or water? Rum-flavored water
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Olympic Lawn Darts
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? *I* haven't, my nieces, on the other hand.... *insert frustration here*
13. Pets? One cat, AND 2 day old kitties!!!11!!one11!!
14. Favorite food? Egg, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, sausage, tomato and spam
15. Last movie you watched? The Happening
16. Favorite Day of the year? Febtobuaryday
17. What do you do to vent anger? 1. Collect rocks 2. Windshield appraisals
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Spam
19. What is your favorite season? Spam
20. Hugs or kisses? Spam
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Spam
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? No, I want my friends to give me cash, (sheesh) , you're getting slow, Misses Email Quiz thingy
23. Who is most likely to respond? To what? Electroshock therapy? Probably Aquaman??
24. Who is least likely to respond? Again, a little sketchy with the questions, Misses E.Q.T.. Given the last scenario, I would think a sheep, I mean, c'mon, it's a wool sweater with legs! It probably gets shocked when it farts/sneezes/etc
25. When was the last time you cried? Nice try!
26. What is on the floor of your closet? Spam
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I like clicking "Reply All"!!!!
28. What is your full name? Hugh Vaughan Weathergrundy MacEachern (Ok, one of those isn't right, but I can dream, right?)
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? You know, I've had more substantial relationships, Misses E.Q.T.. I mean, I can understand the 3rd degree, it's what you *do*. But, the least you can do is pay attention to what I type!
30. Favorite smells? Dust pan/garbage can/water can/flowered rug/laundry basket
31. What inspires you? Spam
32. What are you afraid of ? Spam
33. Cheese or spicy hamburgers? Spammity spam
34. Favorite car? 1972 Oldsmobile Toronado
35. Favorite cat breed? ooOOOOOO, if you could breed a cat with a shitzou puppy! (Only so you could tell people you JUST had a litter of Sh-ats! ... or sh-itties!)
36. Number of keys on your key ring? I'd like to take this opportunity to say how much I enjoy the soothing sounds of Hurratorpedo. NO ONE ELSE can slam fridge doors and smash pots and pans like them British brainiacs!!
37. How many years at your current job? So, Misses E.Q.T., enough about me, what about you? You seem *so* professional! Let me guess ... ummm, o-oh, oh wait! I GOT IT! You're a model!! *winks seductively*
38. Favorite day of the week? Sonntag
39. How many states/provinces have you lived in? One province, SEVERAL states! State of Confusion, State of Shock, State of Union Address, ... um, wait .....
40. Do you think you're funny? I had a REALLY great time tonight, Misses E.Q.T.. We should do this again sometime! ... *starts to walk away* So, you free next Febtoburaryday?




Ciao

Now these points of data make a wonderful line

It's funny how we hate. Useless actions and words said for no other obvious reason then to cause misery. Hate breeds hate in most. Everyone has that 'Jaded switch', the one that flicks on subconsciously when it's time to defend yourself. And a good portion of people point the hate inwardly, tearing themselves apart, until all that is left is the gift of hate, given to them long ago.

I'm no better.

Can we change that part of ourselves that causes grief for no other reason then to defend our weaknesses? It's not something that can be pointed out; isolate the infection and cure it. It can only be found by the owner, that dust-covered box, still wrapped-up with the gift tag bearing the name of the giver. of course, once you find it, what do you do with it? Can't really use it effectively, right off the bat. Inside the box is black and grey, swirling around like some evil stew, and it makes noises, sour noises like those heard at a wake. Who would want to ever use this?

So, we try to give it back to the owner. Too late for that. Sorry. They gave it to you because they didn't really want it in the first place. Why did you ever take this thing? So, now, we're stuck with it. Gotta hide it. Weird thing about this gift is it reacts to other unwanted gifts. Once it hears/sees another present like itself, it pops open and starts yowling. Goddamnit! No matter how far under the bed you stuff it, it can be heard!

I guess the trick to it is right at the beginning. Don't accept the hate. Let it scream and howl. REALLY see it for what it is. Just another toddler learning that "If I bite the kitties tail, it makes a noise...." and sometimes it claws me back, feeding this blackness inside.... Then, you can see how senseless it is, a continuous circle of nothing.

Then, you can make it better.








Ciao

even when the paths're all crookedy

Asking myself if I am "proud" of who I am and what I have become is a scary question. I've been thinking alot lately about what my Mom wanted for my future, or what she hoped for me and how I have turned out. I know she did everything for me, went way out of her way to make sure I had all that I needed, but if she were alive today, would she be proud? The only person I can ask is myself, and I do not know. Or maybe I just know the answer, and do not want to say it.

With Fathers day coming, you would think my old man's impressions of me would be of importance too, wouldn't you? But that would imply that he had any doings in my growing up. 6 houses away is a universe to a 7 year old, and I simply did not know he existed. I live 6 houses away from my daughter, and she doesn't need a plane ticket to go visiting. I exist. And yes, there are things in the past that are festering and wounded. If they are that scarred, though, how can they affect me this much?

I guess my own importance, or what I wanted to be when I grew up, has taken a back seat to my Daughters well-being, in some ways. And now, that I am getting older, it's becoming clearer that this might be all that there is. But, I can still make differences daily, just with my words. I wish I could find the words that express this dark, foreboding feeling of an "ending" that has been looming over me these past few months. Maybe if I could describe it, I could understand it and conquer it.

For all the lost souls, empty words and forgotten moments, it all amounts to this ... "what you *see* right now".






Ciao

No one's standing at your door

Still walking down this road after all these years. Every now and then stopping to look around. The few paths that have crossed mine left faint memories, only seen now in black-and-white blurs; the road ahead filled with moving shadows. And the people on the roads beside me, ahead of me, behind me ... I see them and wonder if they ever really see me, or am *I* just a black-and-white blur? A moving shadow?

"It's for the best" is what the voice in my head keeps repeating. I no longer hear it and try to believe it like I used to. Time has burnt it into my thoughts as true, since invalidating it leads to madness.

So, I keep getting up from the shoulder of the road, the only thing I have known, and trying to see what I cannot see. Injecting empty words into the silence, so it doesn't drive me crazy. Straining my vision beyond what I have heard to what is really me. Getting harder and harder to not let the road beat me.

I never made this road. I found it a long time ago. Someday I'll reach the end. I hope by then someone hears my silent scream.






Ciao

and to another give my seat, for that's the only painless feat

Not with a bang or a sigh. Nothing will mark its coming. It happens slowly; is happening as you read this. Pieces get lost, misplaced and replaced over time, until the puzzle is finished and gone at the same time.

But my eyes are still open, watching it all fly away. Where is my complacent smile? When did the laughter stop? How did all this crap get stuffed into this tiny place so quickly? ... have to breathe. The pain by my eyes will stop once I close them, but the pain behind my eyes can still be seen.

Reality blurs. Momentary sense of my mortality. Will anyone want my memory, like all the other treasures I have lost? The temporary darkness that rules my thoughts tells me No. With no one to argue the point, why should I think it a lie?

Still, with all this blatant thievery, I try to find something to laugh at, to bring a partial warmth to the small place left inside. Feeling this, the pain and the lie of the smile I try to show, means I still own this part of me, no one has stolen it from me .... yet.








Ciao

What it is and what it ain’t to be real

Dear Janet,

Every day I get up, I have a decision to make. Do I keep seeing our Daughter and continue to put up with how you treat me? ... or do I say the Hell with it all? I've gotten over you, ok? Can you please stop the hate?

Our Daughter is the most important thing in my Life. So, the choice is clear. But how can I keep on going on, not knowing what is happening with her in school, being tentative of calling to talk to her, not knowing if you will answer and fill the room with hateful comments, hearing my young one tell me she does not want to be your Mailman anymore?

Right now, it would appear, I am just a walking wallet. If someone were to ask you who your daughters Father was, would you tell them he's a jerk? Would you tell them I call your house and leave answering machine messages, telling you to grow up? Telling you if you don't, you wouldn't be seeing our Daughter anymore? Would you tell them how I stopped letting you know when Parent-Teacher interviews were? Or when her school plays were? That, even though the school won't send home anything to you, I won't send over a simple newsletter every now and then, just to keep you up-to-date on how she is doing, as much as you have asked? Would you tell them I kept our daughter from seeing you for over a year? And the first thing our daughter said to you after that year was "I missed you for that whole year, Daddy?"

No, no you wouldn't. That's what *I* have been saying. I wish it weren't all true.

At first, I wanted some sort of apology for all this. But I know you don't realize what you are doing. You.just.hate. Maybe, if I could understand why you hate so much, all this wouldn't be happening? Is there something *I* need to apologize for to make this stop? Have I missed something?

The last time we spoke, you said I don't care. If I didn't care, would I choose to stay where someone is making me feel like a loser 24/7, so I could be the ONLY thing I can be now?

A Father.

please ... no more hate.






Ciao

don't you worry you'll find yourself, follow your heart and nothing else

Hi. My name is Hugh MacEachern. I have a Daughter named Amber Jane, who does not live with me. I was married for 7 years, been single for 8 years and have been on this earth for 35 years. My ex-wife despises me to the point restraining orders had to be put in place so she would stop calling me but I get along great with her new boyfriend. Both my parents died when I was a teenager and, being the youngest of my family, my siblings and I do not see each other much, out of disassociation.
I do not take pills or stick needles in my arms. I do like my rum, a little too much at times. I have worked at my current job for almost 3 years now and am trying hard to see the forward motion in it. I was baptized Catholic, raised as a Jehovah's Witness and do not actively practice either religion. I have a tattoo on my left shoulder, a very bad cover-up of a girls' initials I knew a long time ago. I can recite the alphabet backwards and juggle small objects.

These are facts. I know them because they are true.

... and because late at night, as today turns into yesterday, I think of all these things and wonder if it's all 'for something'.






Ciao

And although my eyes were open, they might just as well have been closed.

"Floating through time, like an ageless statue
Moss collecting in the shade and lines running through my brow
Not really here anymore, existing in the Past, unable to create new memories, no matter how hard I try
All there is is silence." - Hugh MacEachern

I want to start this entry with one sentence. I am not gay. I like women.... ALOT! I just have all this frigging baggage. It's bad enough that I can't even pick up the really, REALLY desperate chicks. You know you're messed up when a crack-ho says "Yea, maybe not, ok?"
So, what else? Ok, got a new 4x4. It's like Bigfoot's evil twin! Can't wait til Summer... hell yea. AND, got a nice little promotion at work. Less work, more pay, niii--iiice. Also, my Daughters Grandfather (Poppy) is now on speaking terms with me, after almost 10 years. Why? "Because I want to be your Daddy's friend" :)

Still waiting for her though, wherever she is. I'll always be waiting, til the dust turns to rain.

Ciao

Did that voice inside you say I've heard it all before

8:43 PM Matt: http://www.lostinbrittany.org/dotclear/images/2007-06/camiseta_geek.jpg

me: Did you hear 'em talkin' 'bout it on the radio

Did you try to read the writing on the wall

Did that voice inside you say I've heard it all before

8:44 PM It's like Deja Vu all over again

:|

8:48 PM Matt: wtf?

me: you know what I hate about people? Their inherint ability to do what they always do, over and over, completely blind to their ways, what they are doing, and the stupidity of it all

If people would only STOP

Matt: Ummmm.

me: NO STOP

8:49 PM thank you

Matt: You ok, brother?

me: ok, I'm not done

If people would only stop being idiots and just say "Ok, you're right, I'm sorry", this fucking world would be a better place, and I would lose this damn

fucking

sick feeling

8:50 PM you have NO IDEA what total shit is

I wish someone would, but it's all relative

relative to what we see and our tolerance

and my tolerance has been tested so damn much, My saint Mother would have been kicking ass and taking names by now

8:51 PM it's all I can do not to get the fuck out of this chair, march out the door and start swinging

Ok, I'm done

weird ass picture link btw

GAY

:|

8:53 PM Matt: So, the next question is : You had voicemail when you got home?

8:55 PM me: meh, I'm over that now, having only the cat to yell at and sitting here when the shit storm started, followed by a not-too-timely PM from you meant YOU got the full frontal instead of the cat getting chased

9:05 PM Matt: ROFL

me: I'm a liar btw

Have I mentioned that?

Yup, big FAT liar

9:06 PM you can stop reading now, if you want

really, all this is just nonsensical jibberish anyways, yammerings from a liar should be ignored anyways

and I lie alot! WHOOO BOY

Ok, Head of maintenance enforcement and I talked 2 years ago

she's an old woman with a walker

anyways

9:08 PM it was decided that I would make an attempt to pay off the arrears for my child support for the year i wasn't allowed to see Amber through giving up my GST cheques

9:09 PM so, from then on, instead of a tri-monthly cheque, I got a tri-monthly reciept, informing me how much was withheld because of a Family Orders act

fair enough

9:10 PM Matt: ok...

me: I tell bitchface's meatpuppet that, who calls maintenance, gets told that they have not recieved anything and that I am a liar, liar liar pants on fire, getting his cheque on a chicken wire

AND SPENDING IT

YUP, SPENDING IT, BUYING CRACK OR SOMETHING

anyways, this kind of goes against the reciepts I have, and the arrangement me and walker-lady had agreed upon

9:11 PM so, I try to call taxation

they don't answer

so I go down, in my little-to-no-gas vehicle to talk to someone at taxation about this

9:12 PM they, of course, give me a number I can call (from right in the building) to ask about it, because they don't know

Must be on crack or something

and, of course, I call the number, being an idiot, and ask if I can find out where my GST cheque is going

Matt: Hmmm... this reminds me of how much I love our govenment.

9:13 PM me: and they immediatley tell me I need to call the GST centre, here's their TOLL-FREE #

WOOOHOOO! TOLL-FREE???? WHOLY SMOKES! HOW AWESOME!

9:14 PM I call, hands all sweaty with the excitement of calling the all-mighty, and all knowing GST centre #, the knower of all, the # that it took me a week and 3 mutants to get to

and I get a busy signal all morning

that's ok, that's cool

NOW I have your #, bitches, I KNOW where you are NOW

9:15 PM I'll just spend Monday calling you, until my ear goes deaf

so, I go to work, all's good, everythings great

I come home, and the dAMN LIGHTS FLASHING ON THE PHONE, CAPS LOCK AUTOMATICALLY CAME ON, HOW CONVENIENT

9:16 PM stupid meat puppet, "Hey Hughie. It's Frank. Call me when you get this message"

"Hi Frank"

"Yeah, so, I went down to Maintenance Enforcement and they told me that they have not recieved anything. You lied to us."

9:17 PM "Gee, that would mean this reciept I keep getting is lying to me, what a runaround, eh?"

"Yeah, oh wait..." sound of either a cat getting fucked in the eye or a mouse exploding over and over

"Yeah, and Janet says yada yada yada yada drone drone.. script speak much?"

9:18 PM "Ok, you know what Frank, I want to apologize to you. It''s kinda obvious (I have cut out alot of me trying to talk but getting over-talked by the damn mouse explosions btw) that having you as the middle person here isn't going to work."

9:19 PM "Y'see, being civil is about talking and being heard, kinda hard to hear me when that mouse is exploding in the corner, isn't it?"

"...yup..."

9:20 PM "Ok, so, I don't want this to offend you but, you don't have to be the middle man anymore, ok? Janet's going to have to find someone else, ok?"

"How am I going to say this w/o sounding like the meat-puppet who doesn't know fleas from lice?..."

"Oh frank, you can do it, just say it, you big ol' newfie you!"

9:21 PM "Why does Janet have to find someone? Why is it up to her?"

"heh heh heh, good boy Frank! You actually said something using your own words! HERE'S A COOKIE!"

Matt: ROFL

9:22 PM me: "Ok, the reasoning is because a long, long time ago, there was this guy named Hugh, who needed someone to speak to his exploding mouse, y'see?"

"So, he immediately said 'I know! I'll ask the govt!! They will know!"

9:23 PM "And you know what they said Frankie-boy? There is no such thing as you are asking for, but!!!! HERE'S A TOLL-FREE # YOU CAN CALL FOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE!!!!"

"YA! I KNOW!! I WAS ALL LIKE 'WHOA'!!"

"But, I got collected, and thought logically, whom else could I ask?"

9:24 PM "Well, to make a long story short, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 1 aunt and nameless friends later it was decided that no one wants to, nor cares to talk to, an exploding mouse for me"

9:25 PM So, it was fortunate that she assaulted me with the door that day, frankie. if it weren't for that, you wouldn't have been selected by me and the police to be the middle man!"

"And, well, as you can see, nothing can beat an exploding mouse, it's damn loud!"

9:26 PM "So, I have done my part. No more. I either want peace, or nothing"

WOW

I SO RANTED

DID YOU SEE THAT?

IT'S LIKE A DAMN BOOK!

Ok smoke break, gotta read this yammering pack of lies

9:29 PM Matt: It is a book.

I'd post it online, but no-one would get it.

9:30 PM me: Who do you vent to when shit gets too hairy, man? Just curious

anyone?

9:31 PM Matt: Random people on the internet. Or I write poetry.

9:32 PM me: fuck

it's all messed up

the world that is

9:33 PM Matt: Yeah brother. The world is messed up.

me: where's my damn manual for this shit?

9:34 PM Matt: I lost it.

9:37 PM me: "Hey Frank. See this reciept? Ya, it's dated January 2008. It says 'We have withheld the GST/HSTC because of a court order under the Family Orders and Agreements Enforcement Assistance Act". ... I do NOT like being called a liar. I do NOT want an apology for you two calling me a liar either. You know what I want? I want this little "Hugh's a loser-liar" act to stop. I mean, it has been almost 10 years now, ok? That's it. That's all I have to say. Bye"

just practicing man

Matt: Do it up. :-D

9:38 PM You'll feel better.







Ciao