When I pick up the phone, there is still nobody home

Song Of The Moment

Wow, so, I wrote this blog post, about a week ago, not quite sure how tired I was ... but apparently, I was too tired to actually publish it.

And, so it sat, for a while, until I *stumbled* across it tonight.

"Ever have one of those nights where you sit down and really look at your life ... and realize that you've been lying to yourself for a long, long time. What you think you have is just an illusion, and all you really do have is just a bunch of good memories and that feeling of being alone, totally and completely alone?
... well, that would be me tonight."


Sure glad you're doing better, Mister Fiend.

Who was dragged down by the stone

Song Of The Moment

I tried to help you. You lied to me. I tried to talk to you. You yelled and threatened me. Lesson learned.
Normally, I don't categorize people. So, I think in this situation, I will need to keep this memory in mind. The memory of me wondering if you were going to break into my place, steal my stuff, slash my tires....
Don't get me wrong. You're still my Family. But you have used up your chances. Do not expect anything from me. When I talk about you, the standard sentence will be "Yeah, he's my Family, but we don't talk anymore. He has gotten into some bad things and he's not welcome in my house."
I still have hope for people. One person who continuously decides to mess things up won't keep me from trying to help people. And, I have no doubt that there will be others .... friends, women, maybe even other Family members ... that will show their true colors to me.
And that's fine. It actually makes it easier on the head. I don't have to wonder if this person is going to directly affect me. I can just cut the tie and carry on.
Of course, there will come a day when, miles down the road, you may think everything is forgiven. You know what? It is forgiven. Because, you are not allowed back in the trust again. It's been reset back to zero, and you are on the outside.... you are not allowed back in. You have proven who you are under your thick mask and you can keep that person on the other side of the door.







Ciao

I dont care what you say, I dont play the same games you play.

Song Of The Moment

Dear 3 AM,
Stop making me stay awake, ok? I have work tomorrow, and I don't really care about all the old memories and frigged up things that I can't fix, ok? I really don't want to have to distract myself away from your annoying presence each and every night. Seriously!
Maybe if you showed up with a better outlook, I'd be all right with your late-night visits. But you're so down and depressing! For once, can't you just take a break? Don't you have someone else to haunt? I mean, before you showed up, I was dozing off in the chair. Now? I'm up, trying to fix all the crap you're breaking.
You're a lousy houseguest, you know that?
And, it's always the same ol' stuff with you. "What are you doing?", "Where are you going?", "It's too late, you know?".... get some new material, ok man? Let's talk about the weather! ... or even how the day went! Anything! Let's just not go over the same old broken things we go over every night. We didn't find an "answer" last night, did we? You think we're gonna mysteriously find one tonight?

... wh-what's that?

yeah ... they *were* good times....

Ok, ... maybe ... maybe we can stay up for a bit.








Ciao

He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Nowhere Land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Song Of The Moment

Yeah so, trust has become a slight issue with me. I am of the thinking that this lack of trust has alot to do with my adaptability and willingness to tackle something new, ironically enough. When you realize that everyone has their own little goal to accomplish and "you" are not a part of it, you can really see what needs to be done, how to get it done efficiently and done right.
I guess it boils down to this. We all were born. we were all innocent at one point in our lives. Then something happened, something got "book-marked" in our adventure ... and that something made us/makes us who were are today. So, when I say I don't trust, it's the action I don't trust, not the person exactly. We all still have that innocence in us. It's just covered up with years and years of filtered logic.
What really sucks is the "noticing". Seeing certain looks, certain body movements that indicate a falsity. You know what I'm talking about. A rich girl drops her purse by an old bum and tries to keep her composure when she picks it up. But, if you're quick, you can see "the look", of disgust, of rejection. Under that look is the innocence, all buried up. She can't uncover it, either. It's the plate on which the sourness is piled on, too far down now to even try to think of anymore.
And where does that leave me? Well, for starters, I got a clean slate everyday. I've came to terms with my sour'd ways a while ago, so when I wake up, the starting gun goes off and it's time to get my goals accomplished. ... ahh, but what *are* my goals exactly? I only want to make people happy. Maybe, if I can show you how easy it is to stop thinking of your own self-righteous, self-fulfilling goals and begin to think about making someone else smile, or be at ease with their current situation, I have will have brought the whole mess full circle.













Ciao

Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime.

Song Of The Moment

I don't think many people can understand how much of a hypochondriac I have become. With people passing away recently, mysterious pains and lumps have become my obsession. A traumatic obsession. I'm only 36 and I have slipped into a phase of obsessing about death. Not normal, healthy or rational, but a reality, none the less.
I guess the big reason behind this is a double-edged knife. So many things I want to accomplish, paying my debt, owning a house, traveling, meeting people. But I continue to see things on a "Time-limit". And when I hear about someone my age dying? Total mind-f**k.
I really, really don't want to obsess about dying anymore. I'm only 36! I have a beautiful Daughter, an awesome job. I have options on how I want to make my Life better right now. I guess when the only person you have to talk to about your weird obsessions is yourself, the advice can be kind of sour.
If someone were to ask me a year ago what my biggest concern was, it would have been an easy answer, "Seeing my Daughter". Now, a year later, and the cards have flipped dramatically.
I really hope, a year from now, I can look back on this and say "Well, that was pretty stupid of you now, wasn't it?"
I really do.






Ciao

CONGRAT'S JASON!!!

So, a buddy of mine at work, Jason, is pursuing his dream. A dream I had waaaa--aaay back when. Good on you man! I always said your talent was being wasted but, you know, it's been put to good use, y'know? It's all been practice til now! GOOD LUCK MAN!

Created by OnePlusYou

I can't breathe

Song Of The Moment

4 years is a long time.

Let's list some highlights from the last 4 years of blogging, shall we?

2005 - left a psychotic & controlling girlfriend; started a new job and moved into a much better apartment
2006 - ex-wife has another child; got promoted at work; continuous fighting with ex-wife
2007 - bought my first truck; picked up a second job; old girlfriend goes out with best friend, I remain single; first truck dies
2008 - yet another promotion at work; get 'new-to-me' 4x4; more fighting with ex-wife; enter a weird 'dark poetry phase'; 3rd xmas in new place alone (new tree though)
2009 -sudden peace with ex-wife; hypochondria begins

Not too sure what the Future will bring, with this track history to go by, but, at least things are moving forward and upward, right?


.....right......?







Ciao