In all that I've done wrong, I know I must have done something right...

Well, little girl, summer vacation is almost over. Tomorrow morning, I have to give you back to Mom. I know the place is going to be so much more quiet when I get home. Maybe I'll just drive around for a while, at least until that feeling leaves.

We had fun though, playing hide and seek, imaginary adventure games, watching movies, laughing and giggling at silly things. Now, after just tucking you in and kissing your forehead goodnight, those things are just memories. Picking up your toys from the living room, unplugging the bathtub and putting your clothes into the hamper ... I'd say I wish we had more time, but I know there is never enough time.

Everyone has problems, little one, and it takes a big person to accept those problems and sort them out. I wish I could accept the fact that you don't live with me. I dearly wish I could stop the pain I feel inside when you have to go away ... the pain that is that voice in the back of my head saying "You are missing something in your life right now."

I love you, little girl.

Carved In Stone

Song Of The Moment

I don't think I have given up on "looking for someone". Fact of the matter is, I am not looking for anyone. I want to meet someone, someone that will bring the light back. But, I have seen alot and I don't think I can watch any of that again. I already know how the storyline ends, most of the time.
One of the best books I have ever read (the five people you meet in heaven) explained it the best. I've had some good times. I've made differences in some peoples lives; some good, some not so good. And now, that that is all said and done, I'll sit and wait for ... well, ... for whatever comes in the end.
After all, whether you believe in Heaven or Hell, the afterlife, cremation or the Great Nothing, we all will meet again someday. So what if my life is secluded. At least it's not filled with the stress and trauma of dual-emotions battling it out. Don't you think its better to be lonely and hope-filled then to turn around to a warground-past and try to live with it?








Ciao

Can you say brainwashing?

Song Of The Moment

Taken from The Men’s Rights Manual for Divorce

"The elemental bond that links fathers with their children is the subject of ancient poetry, biblical legend, and even diplomatic stand-offs. Remember Homer's epic saga of Odysseus and Telemachus? The New Testament tale of the prodigal son? And of course the Elian Gonzalez case.

Xavier Quinta was born on June 24, 1998 to Bennett Vonderheide and Wendy Flanders of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. But the relationship went sour and the couple separated.

In February 2003 the judge awarded custody of Xavier to his mother, ordering that he spend two days a week with his father. But Flanders soon decided to ignore the judge's order, at first restricting visits to only two hours a day, and then thwarting all contact for months at a time.

But that wasn't enough, so Flanders schemed to alienate Xavier from his father.

According to the contempt motion, Flanders first withheld information from Ben, refusing to advise him about school programs, teacher conferences, or even the name of the kindergarten where Xavier would be attending.

She then fabricated multiple allegations of abuse, a claim of fear being the only proof she needed. Then she used these unproven accusations to show Xavier that his father was a perp. On the advice of counselors, the father once made several telephone calls to the child. The mother then claimed those calls amounted to harassment. The district attorney later dismissed the ridiculous charge.

Next she resorted to outright manipulation. One day Flanders informed the father he wouldn't be allowed to see his son for Christmas Eve. Then she had the child dress up in anticipation of the father's visit. When the father didn't arrive, she used that as proof the father was a deadbeat.

And finally, Flanders violated a key requirement of the custody order that neither make "derogatory comments about the other parent." Instead, she waged a campaign of calumnies, repeatedly calling Ben a liar and abuser.

Once Xavier introduced his father to his classmates as, "This is my Daddy -- he is filled with hatred and anger" -- a phrase that a five-year-old boy is unlikely to come up with on his own.

But as Xavier grew older, he began to realize that he was caught in the middle of a high stakes tug-of-war. He said he didn't want his mother to control him, and much to her dismay wanted to spend more time with dad.

That gave Vonderheide his opening. He decided to stop the mother from turning the child's transfer into a screaming confrontation. At the next visit, the father sat calmly on a bench, and cast his best "I'm not sure what game you're playing but I'm not interested" look. Problem solved.

Once accused of being "the worst dad in the world," Vonderheide pointed out to his son that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had killed thousands of persons. "So I'm at least the third worst dad in the world," dad humorously concluded.

Last month Wendy Flanders was found guilty on three counts of making false statements to law enforcement officials, fined, and placed on probation. And Ben Vonderheide's record was expunged on many of the counts against him. The battle cost him $350,000 in legal expenses.

This Sunday, 8-year-old Xavier will be spending Father's Day with his dad. They plan to play laser tag, go for a hike, and maybe take in a movie.

Father and son, reunited."


There's ugliness in this world. Ugliness that sometimes people cannot see. And even if they did, they wouldn't be able to comprehend it because it is not theirs. The above story hit home for me, due to having lived it. And I guess I am posting it here as a reminder to me of all that has come and past.

Ciao

I jumped into the river too many times to make it home

Song Of The Moment

So I was invited to go out last weekend. I bailed last moment. On the drive home, I understood why. I wanted to go out, it really sounded like a good time! But for too long now, my Life has rotated around one, simple schedule:

Work all week
Visit with my daughter on weekend

I fought for this schedule. Went a full year without seeing her, unfairly. Took people to court for it, w/o lawyer, and won. Reasoning being? ... my little girl is the most important thing in my world. Now? .. the terminology of "Having a Life" is kind of different for me. My weekends are spent seeing her, so she understands that I am her Dad. So she knows this was *not* my idea.

I don't do much of anything else on the weekends, understandably enough. I hermitized myself, in order to keep room for her. On occassion, I try to do things on my own for fun. But I always end up thinking "Is this *really* what you want to do and where you want to be?" And now, its natural to turn down offers to "go out". People say, in defense, "Why don't you just get a baysitter?" If YOU had to struggle for a year to be permitted to do something you had full rights to, would you let it slip *that* easily?

Trying to work that around a job is interesting as well. I have already let 2 jobs drop because they interfered with this VERY BASIC schedule. And do not have any qualms about letting other things drop for it in the future, if it gets in the way. I think this is completely understandable. Why can't other people understand that I can only set aside Febtober the 35th as a weekend without my little girl?

What gets me though is, when she comes over to visit, I don't really want to be annoyed by people asking me to "go over and visit", and by all means, to give them a hand. Having a truck is great! .. but if it's my one day out of 7 to see my young one, I do not want to spend it helping someone move, while she tries desperately to keep herself amused. I want her & I to do things together, like a Father & a Daughter should. Is that too much to ask?







Ciao