and never moving forward so there'd never be a Past

Song Of The Moment

March 2005

I told her I would write about her and I did.

I erased those words when we argued...never to be returned.

The words I wrote are still there though...in my heart. About how she came into my Life like she had never left. About how being with her meant never having to go home because I already was home. About how I bet her eyes sparkled in the dark, and they do, they sparkle with the love we share. About how we could talk for hours about nothing and love it. The sound of her voice so soothing to me, helping wash away the troubles of the day and reminding me of the sun.

I do not remember what day we met but that doesn't matter to me....no ending///no beginning

Love you Charlie


August 2005

It was beautiful....but nothing in Life lasts forever. It changes....makes you learn about yourself....

We loved each other but something inside me wasn't ready to keep it going. And now?....now I have to learn from it and try not to let the memories and the thought that I could have done something to keep it alive kill me inside. She is where she needs to be though...and that brings peace to my soul....she needs to protect hers and, even though that means keeping me away, I understand it. It hurts thinking about her little one. It seems that everything I do or hear or see reminds me of something from "back then".... when a child calls my name, hearing songs from shows, even little things like car seats and toys bring me back, just for that instant. I wish I could have remembered the difference between "my Life" and "our life" and just listened to her and talked with her..................but I didn't. And now, I have to heed the advice of one of my friends and "learn something from this for when God *really* answers your prayers and sends the one you asked for...the one that loves you and that you can love".

It *was* beautiful...and still is.....in my fondest memories.

No ending////no beginning


December 2006

Its been a year and a half since I broke up with my last girlfriend. Its said that we are a product of our Past and a hostage for our Future. What *matters*, however, is how we play out the Present. When I wrote those posts, I did not and could not forsee who I would be in 6 months or a year, just like I do not know what kind of person will be writing words here in a years time.
I do know who is writing the words right now.
Todays person is not completely happy, none of us are in that blissfully unaware state. But I am content in knowing that my Life has been interesting and will continue to be so, as long as I do what I can, where I am, with what I have. Not denying forward motion, just accepting the path already taken.
No ending////no beginning







Ciao

Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn

Song of The Moment


On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me :

• A Partridge in a Pear Tree: $104.99 ($15.00 Partridge, $89.99 Pear Tree)
• Two Turtle Doves: $40.00 ($20.00 each)
• Three French Hens: $45.00 ($15.00 each)
• Four Calling Birds: $399.96 ($99.99 each)
• Five Golden Rings: $325.00 ($65.00 each)
• Six Geese-a-Laying: $300.00 ($50.00 each)
• Seven Swans-a-Swimming: $4,200.00 ($600.00 each)
• Eight Maids-a-Milking: $41.20 ($5.15 each)
• Nine Ladies Dancing: $4,576.14 ($508.46 each)
• Ten Lords-a-Leaping: $4,039.08 ($403.91 each)
• Eleven Pipers Piping: $2,053.20 ($186.66 each)
• Twelve Drummers Drumming: $2,224.30 ($185.36 each)

Total Christmas Price Index: $18,348.87
"Core" index, excluding swans: $14,148.87
True cost of Christmas in song: $72,608.02 (including 364 total gifts)







Ciao

These years spent, so faded and wreckless

Song Of The Moment

For 10 years, I lived with a woman. 7 of those years I was a husband and 3 of those years I was a Father. Still am a father, really. According to my young one, I am "Daddy", even if Mommy's new boyfriend needs to be called Dad, so her new baby doesn't get confused. She still calls him Frankie...inconsequential.

What I forgot was that I was "Uncle Hughie" to the womans sisters' 2 boys for those 10 years. When visiting, we would play, the 3 of us. As I always told them, always new games, and we always made up something new to do. The one with the red afro of hair (William) and the other with blonde fair hair (Shayne) and me. When they moved to B.C. for a Summer, I missed those kids, and was honestly afraid that they wouldn't remember me. When they came back, it was almost like they never left.

When my career as a husband ended, it was hard trying to see those kids. Her and I could not be in the same room, without a fight. Tell the truth, its still the same to this day, hence the "Stop calling your ex-husbands house" order on her from the police and the reason why I do not go to her door, only as far as the driveway, when picking up my young one. I do not want a scene. So, inevitably, I stopped seeing my 2 nephews... that step of seperation came and went. Shortly after, they all moved to B.C. again. Mom, Dad, the 2 boys and their new baby sister, for good.

Til last month.

They moved back and settled into a little trailer, 3 houses away from my young ones Moms house. Their Mom left her guy, as well, and the William went to live with him. Shayne and the baby stayed with her Mom. Naturally, I was shocked when I first seen them when picking up my young one. The short, quiet one had grown 5 years and a foot older. The baby was no baby, no diapers and crawling, walking and talking and best friends with my young one.

Tonight, I took my young one out trick or treating and, naturally, she wanted her cousins to come. Picking them up was almost a half an hour in the driveway, learning how much Shayne had grown (Quadruple-jointed elbows and stories of close encounters with bears in B.C.) and discovering how much like my young one the little girl was. Trick or treating with them was, of course, a blast, with my young one laughing most of the time, and the other 2 living it up in the "Free Chocolate" paradise.

Destiny has a plan for all of us.... comeuppance for shit we've been through, so to speak. When Shayne, almost as tall as me, lugged an arm over my shoulder and said "I missed you, Uncle Hughie", Destiny was talking to me. I know this from the lump in my throat I still have.






Ciao

The only thing that could give me cavities is dynamite

Song Of The Moment

So my daughter has a video game liking. Its not really something to be alarmed about. Yes, at times I have to say "Ok, thats enough. Time to do something else.", but I know what I was like as a kid and can understand. Yeah... I have fond memories of video games. Renting Castlevania 2 from the corner store at lunch and playing it all weekend with the lights off. Wanting the "gold" NES Legend of Zelda II so bad, and then ultimately getting it for my birthday. (complete with 'rapid-fire controller', so I could turn the rapid-fire on, leave for an hour and come back to 6 kajillion experience points).

Then, of course, there was MegaMan. My nephew & I would rent it from Videotron, just 5 minutes walk down the road from where we would play it religiously... all weekend, all night. We'd stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning, trying to get past this boss and that boss. Waking up would be "Did you save it?" to be responded "yeah" by me, with what we called "Nintendo-Eye"... where you played Nintendo so long, your eyes blurred and actually hurt and your thumbs were numb...NUMB!

So now, watching my young one play video games, its ok. I don't ban them. I don't fully condone them either though. But, if she looks back on her childhood and remembers her accomplishment at how she figured this puzzle out on this old video game, thats not so bad. Is it?





Ciao

Once there was a way to get back homeward

Song Of The Moment

Somehow stopping time. Then, walking backwards to 1999 and finding myself.
Initial shock of seeing how fresh-faced I look back then over with, I begin to explain all the changes that have happened and will happen.

"Yup, your ex's had 3 guys since you. Yeah, and all of them have rooted for you, man. One of them went as far as to say "You realize, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be seeing your young one. Your ex really hates you..."

"Oh yeah, thats another thing...your ex?... she hates you. Saying 'hate' doesn't even define it well enough, really. She turned evil. Yep, evil has many forms.... and trust me, man, she's one. You *did*, however, fight her. Took her to court! No lawyer, you ballsy bastard! Just you!"

"Oh, and don't think you're going to be walking alone for long. Nope, pretty soon you'll meet up with your first girlfriend. Actually, she'll pop in and out of your Life a few times in the next few years. AND, you're gonna have a Summer adventure with a new chick. Yeah man, you're gonna have fun with her. (Just don't bring up the word 'threesome' around her, ok?...trust me)"

"And, you're gonna make alot of new friends too. One of them's gonna be your boss though. Do what you want, man...just remember, he's your Boss. Don't take advantage of that situation, for fuck sakes! But, well, even if you do, thats to the best. Hell, if it weren't for you taking advantage of his friendship, you wouldn't have had your Summer adventure.....AND... you wouldn't be where you will be in 7 years! Making more money then you ever have! ... doing what you always said you wanted to do! Yup, you GOT your desk job! No shit, man! AND....(yeah, it gets better) you're doing tech support!"

"Your daughter will grow tall, too. AND SMART! Now, this is the most important thing I want you to hear....and remember. Do NOT stop fighting to see her! You got that?! She is the most important thing in our Life. *You* are her Father. Period. There is nothing more I have to or need to say about that."


Walking forward to 2006 now. Looking back over my shoulder, the expression of mixed shock and happiness has been erased from 1999-me... because he cannot know what is to come. *He* can only hope.... he did hope ... and I stand as a living testimonial to all *he* hoped for coming true.








Ciao

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.

Song Of The Moment

When is enough enough?

Apparently, my daughter came home from school with head lice.
Apparently, my cat had fleas a while back and my young one told my ex-wife at one point about it.
Apparently, my ex-wife's new boyfriend took it upon himself to put 2 and 2 together and make 7, simply stating in his quiant phone message that, "since my daughter has head lice and my cat had fleas, that my house needed to be cleaned spotless before HE would allow her to come over."

Now, I'll admit....I'm a single guy. I vacuum maybe once a week. I have an indoor cat and the litter box area never smells nice. But, to assume that my house was a pigsty, based on the logic of "young one has head lice, my cat had fleas", is something I really, REALLY want a judge to read. Actually, I want the judge to read that I was, once again, denied access...but this time because my ex's new guy doesn't know the simple framework of childhood maladies.

I'm so glad now that I got the police to suggest, requst and then demand for my ex-wife to stop calling my house with her threatening messages about not seeing my young one anymore. Seeing how her boyfriend is working out as a neutral 3rd party brings tears to my eyes.... he's taking up her trade nicely!

So now, my young ones birthday is this weekend. I already have the scheme of how this will go laid out, from my past let-downs and encounters. I will go over to pick her up, Mister Lice-Flea demands to make inspection of my house before she comes over, I state to Mister Flice that he is not welcome in my home until I explain a few things to him, most importantly, that HEAD LICE ARE NOT CONTRACTABLE FROM CAT FLEAS!!! That and, messing around with a court-order is messy business when the other person has done the legal thing before a few times. Flice will tell me she is not coming over and I will then have to undertake the legal process of hiring a lawyer and getting papers done up once again, hoping that this endless cycle of crap will someday stop...






Ciao

halfway between the gutter and the stars

Song Of The Moment

I have been oficially promoted at work. One more rung up the ladder of "importance"....but *that* is not the reason I am posting (even though it IS a pretty neat event in The life).

The Fatboy Slim song posted here has been somehow graphed onto the memory of being promoted. I can not decide whether it is because I have been listening to it more often the past week OR because of the wordings involved in the tune "Don't be shocked by the tone of my voice....check out my new weapon, weapon of choice". In any case, when I hear it now and in the future, I will be reminded of this time.

Thats basically what I am writing about today. The mental impressions music has on us. The memories it instills, the impressions it leaves on us. Its much easier to explain through example here then trying to word it correctly, so, lets just hit next song on the ipod and see what I remember.

Stone Cold Crazy - Metallica. Yeah man. I'm brought back to my nephews house. Before him and his woman broke up. He's watching WWF and the kids are cranking because its 11 PM and they are still up. As the volume of the room gets louder, with the kids crying and the tv getting turned up, his eyes get all weird and twisted. "FOR FUCK SAKES!" he yells and stomps out of the house. Yeah,...he pays child support now and still has the twisted look in his eyes, but its slowly fading.

Only Women Bleed - Alice Cooper. I'm driving down the Canavoy road, dirt clouds rising behind the Cavalier, as I race home from work. Its Christmas Eve and when we exchange our early Xmas presents, she isn't happy with the painting supplies and easel I got her, saying "I don't know her anymore".

Can't Get High - Slowcoaster. Instantly at Melons in downtown Ch'Town, now closed, having a drink with my then boss and friend. Funky music playing from the upstairs level and a pool table waiting inside. Good times....

Mad World - Gary Jules. Ultimately end up thinking of a bud of mine and how his Life is so dark and scary, seemingly. Darkness that has teeth and pain.

Well, you get the idea. Music plays such an important part in our lives and yet we steal it, copy it and plagerize it endlessly. Not really taken for granted but more used up.

There's so many strange places I'd like to be but none of them permanently

Song Of The Moment

As much as I want to listen to jaded and rage-filled music to drown out the lonliness of being single, it just doesn't work. Can't fight against a fact of Life, an inevitability. I guess one of the hardest things to do, from the time you are thrust into social resoning to the time your reasoning is taken away from you, is to accept things as they are.

Being alone is liveable if you have never had anyone close to you. Hermits aren't crazy...they are just living the single life to the max, really. But after leaning on too many ledges, only to have them crumble, fall apart or just disappear, you learn not to trust the leaning post. You stand straight-up more, your legs get tired alot and you stop trusting freely.

On the other hand, you want to see the other side of the fence again. You want to be where the suns rises and sets and everything is set and real. That place is not here though. And as much as I'd like to walk back into the normalacy of "being with someone", pattern tells me that it does not last and instict tells me I would lose whatever I have right now.







Ciao

I left it off the hook just to hear it ring

Song Of The Moment

So my first girlfriend moved back to the island. The last time I seen her, she was giving me back the spare key to my apartment and telling me "Its better this way." Now she's back from her cross-country adventure, almost 2 years later, with a son and a soon-to-be-husband. I know this because she called me and the display phone gave her away.

I won't even try to lie. She was my first true love. Something inside of her calls to me on a level that accepts her as she is, who she is. Even if she is committed to another, I am free to think of her freely, want to make her laugh and be "the shit" in her eyes. She tells me this in unspoken words, memories that we share, words that mean another. I sound obsessed.

I don't really know where to go with this situation. I know what she does for me, she would have to be blind not to know as well. I want to see her, but she's so far way from me. I want to give in to what I hold deep inside, but can't. Maybe I'm into self-torture. Or maybe I just haven't learned a lesson from it.

Regardless, yestrday was the closest Mars has been to the earth in a long time. Its also the farthest I have been from the feelings I have had for her, now re-ignited... and waiting for recognition





Ciao

ain't it stra-yay-ange?

Song Of The Moment

Here for your amusement, some of the best quoteables from the past few months.

"My I.Q. is SO 20/20!"

"Whats new today in Tech Support Land? Oh GOD! I'm sweating like a PIG. I need more alcohol!"

"Right-click on the shotgun and select reload"

"They weren't lesbians, they were just drunk."

"My ashtray is such a ho."

"My butt lungs hurt."

"Do you think this shirt makes me look fat? ... um, purple volkswagon mirror?"

AND, my ALL-TIME FAVE!

"They spell 'get out' the same in EVERY province!"





Ciao

the road to hell is littered with nice guys with good intentions

Song Of The Moment

I have been obsessed with my own mortality as of late. I have 2 lumps on my back, by my kidneys, that are paining me. With cancer being a pre-dominant gene in my family and with my younger sister geing re-diagnosed with cancer just recently, I am understandably scared spitless. Scared enough to make a doctors appt for Friday, in the hopes that this is just a kidney infection, and quit smoking, cold turkey.

With that said and done, lets assume the worst is true. Lets say I have cancer. I watched my Mom and Dad die of cancer. It was nowhere near pretty. Months spent deteriorating in the hospital, only to die of a cold. I was in my 20's when my parents died. Mom at 54, Dad at 62. My young one is only 7. I want to leave her with more memories then just the past 7 years.

But what if its too late?

Re-establish home-base. Unfortunately, this revelation at my short time here has changed how I see things, once again. If I didn't care before, I *really* don't care now. When I say "don't care", what I really mean is, why worry about the consequences? You only have a short time here. Do it like you can't do it again.







Ciao

Call our toll-free number

Song Of The Moment

Up until the beginning of last week, I have never seen what the people I help on the phone have had to say about me. Last week, however, I was given permission to see what some of their comments on my assistance have been. I don't know if it was the fact that I got to read these *after* coming off a week vacation OR the fact that, up until now, I always thought of myself as a snake-oil salesman, but, in any case, reading how I helped others makes me realize how much I have to give others....


Customer Comments:
(Is there anything the support agent could have done better to resolve the issue during the call?)


"absolutely nothing! Hugh was extremely helpful, patient and educated about the product and knew exactly how to solve my problem and even gave me additional information! "


"I thank you greatly from the bottom of my heart for helping me solve with my issue. In the future I will not hesitate to call again. You made my wife happy and if she if she id happy so am I. Thank you for having very knolegable personnel like Mr. Hugh. "


"hecks no man that guy was crazy cool."


"one of the most knowledgeable and personable reps i have ever encounted. and he got the job done....excellant "


"Nothing. He was wonderful, understanding, very helpful, and funny. "


"Hugh was one of the most professional customer service reps that I have ever experienced! His patience and knowledge was outstanding! All I can say is BRAVO! "

"Hugh was very knowledgeable and very helpful, as well as personable. Had a very good experience. "




Ciao

I'm still looking back into the past

Song Of The Moment

Looking back, this week vacation was probably the best I've ever had. Last year, I was in S'side, living with a woman and her kids. It was ok but, when vacation time came, not only did I *not* take a vacation BUT I spent most of the time my little one was over with her kids.

Now don't get me wrong. Her kids were awesome. But I hated having to share myself with them. I know for a fact my girl had a blast with all the things we did that week. Having stories read to her every night, camping out in the bedroom, going sight-seeing. But I am reminded of how she would go out into the yard and, even though there was always a gaggle of kids to play with, she would always climb into the neighbours treehouse, alone, and play all alone.

As I drove her home after that week, I asked her if she liked me living so far away and with other kids. She said all she wanted was to spend time with me. This year, by comparison, was what she wanted. Just my girl and I, playing. The whole week. Pool next door. Kids from the neighbourhood coming over to ask if she wanted to play, but then leaving when the play was over. This week was the longest time I have spent with my young one, for 5 years. And even though we didn't do much, it will be remembered.






Ciao

Diaries left with cryptic entries

Song Of The Moment

A-Typical blog entry. Lets see, whats new and interesting. Well, a few days ago, my older sister called to inform me that my younger sister had a relapse. The cancer that she has been fighting for 12 years is back. And do you think this information would drive me to even ATTEMPT to quit smoking? I know I have to, but its so addictive.

After I flicked out my cigarette, I walked away from my friends campsite. I needed some room to think. It was nice of them to let me crash with them and invite me along for their outings but all the family things they were doing was dragging up old memories. Walking past the campers and campfires, I saw the payphone....

Trying to get ahold of my ex-girlfriend in S'side so I can get my box of pictures from her. Normally, I wouldn't bother and just treat it like a fire, like I have been all this time, but all my framed pictures of my little one, Mom & Dad, even my High School Diploma are in that box. Emailing her isn't working. No replies back. Going to have to call her on the phone, I guess, and get it over with.

Dropped a quarter in the payphone and dialed the number again. Heart in throat, I listened for the click as the call was answered. "Hello?" .... silence was all I had inside of me and was all that was spoken into my end. "I know you're there and don't think you can scare me! Why are you calling?".... again, I had no answer and held my words, trying to picture the kitchens warmth.

Last weekend, the little one and I spread construction paper all over the kitchen floor and finger/hand/foot/elbow/knee painted. I now have 5 less bottles of washable paint and a large work of art on the living room wall. She's so artistic and talented at times. I hope she never loses that part of her.

"Listen, all you're doing is waking up your daughter, calling at this hour of the night. If you think I'm going to take this bullshit, you're sorely mistaken. And don't think I'll give you the satisfaction of hanging up first, if thats........"....the words, harsh and biting, start to mute, droning down to just the sounds in my head. Memories of calling the house and hearing friendly voices. My Father-In-Laws' hearty laugh as I cracked a stupid pun, Mother-In-Laws' strict and proper tone. A want to ask if those people were there rises up, but then I realize that this is my EX Mother-In-Law, hissing evilly into the reciever. I lay the phone down on the metal stand and walk away.....

Today is the first day of my Vacation! 1 1/2 weeks of relaxing and spending time with my little one. Not much funds to actually do anything much, but just having her over, spending time as a Dad, is nice enough for me. Maybe next year I'll have a car ( After my vacation, going to take out a small loan for a used car, incidentally), and will be more able to take her out to do things.

Walking towards the campsite and where my old Nissan Sentra is parked, muffler half falling off but stereo blaring. My aforementioned buddies had flipped my windsheild wipers upside down, in an attempt at humour. I laughed at this and my buddies girlfriend asks "You didn't call her again, did you?" "No, of course not." I said with my mouth but my friend could see my eyes had another story.


Ciao

The mark that still remains

Song Of The Moment

Yesterday was Fathers Day.

My Dad died when I was in my 20's. I never met him until I was 16, even though he lived 8 houses down from where my Mom and I lived. I seen pictures of what Dad looked like in his day. Grey and hazy pictures of a stocky man in a sport jacket, standing by a railing on a boat. He looked like a boxer or a gangster.

Mom and Dad split up when I was only a baby. Mom took me and my older brother and moved out of the family home in the country. Mom rented a 2 bedroom apt. in the city and I lived there until I was 19, my older brother moving out when I was 4. Dad, apparently, went insane after Mom left and went to what is called "Unit 9", ie the mental ward. He spent a year there and, according to what my brothers and sisters say, when he was let out, was a completly different man. Paranoid and ansty, depending on prescription medicines to keep his thinks straight. Eventually, he took to the bottle. I guess it cost less then the drugs. He stopped taking care of the family home in the country, leaving its upkeep to my oldest brother, who lives beside the house to this day. Dad moved into the city with another woman who took care of him. When I met him at 16, he had shrunk a foot from his hazy picture and the strong, square boxers jaw had been replaced with a limp, given-in look of age.

I remember borrowing his old '85 Granada shortly after meeting him. Fresh new drivers license in my pocket, girlfriend waiting by the door for a drive. For borrowing it, he asked me to give him a drive. To the liquor store. Kings Ransom Scotch Whiskey. This is how I remember my Father. Crouched down in the passengers side of that Granada, asking me to "park aways' from the door so's no one sees him". Well no... I remember him in one other way. I remember tears falling from my eyes as the bagpipes played at his funeral. Looking up at my Uncle with "Why am I crying?" questioning eyes.

I am a Father and I have a little girl.
And I'll be damned if I leave her with the same memories My Dad left me.







Ciao

There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt

Song Of The Moment

Trying to fix burnt bridges is almost impossible, so I have learned. Re-building them is the same. But, even though, I am trying to do that exact thing. At least to make ammends with myself. Yes, I have wronged a few people in the past. Almost everybody has. What I want to do right now is make up for the badness I have bestowed upon them.

This does not apply to everybody I have done wrong. Some of them?....really?....they deserved it. The wrong I did was more of an "eye-opener" that *I* thought they needed. And to those few people, I feel no need to fix what was torn up.

But some I need to. Some meant something to me at one point in my Life. And something I did or said erased that. It won't come back, what was erased. I have learned over time that what was lost is better off lost. But, in order to fully be at peace with myself once again, I need to do some things to make ammends to those few chosen people. Thats a driving force with me right now.

Other then that?.... things are going pretty much as normal. A friend of mine said recently that "Life is what it is...not good, not bad...just something I am doing right now." Sounds kind of bland but its true. Oh well, boring days are better then STRESS-FILLED days.









Ciao

If you can't act like a man, I don't want you around her

Song Of The Moment

"What has happened before will come to pass again". Life is all about cycles, chains of events that cannot be physically controlled. Unless you change your ways, your orderly manner will be beaten down by the randomness of it all. Or so I have learned.

Currently, things are pretty good. Nice job, nice place, saving up for my truck. But, with all the good, there are always hassles. Arguments over seeing my family. Friends acting sketchy or non-existant. People, in general, taking advantage of. Nothing that hasn't been dealt with before...and so, nothing that I can't possibly expect to not happen again. Life is a circle.

I have 2 weeks vacation coming to me soon. Planning on taking a week and going visiting some friends in Ontario and then spending a week with my little one at home. Its been a really, really long time since I took a vacation that was more then a week. Should be interesting.






Ciao

Compassion's in my nature

Song Of The Moment

Wow, someone ask me if it has been a busy month.... g'wan, DARE ya! The answer is "Yes"! Things are kinda different in the "Life of Fiend", so I should jot down an update here for all YOO's.

Firstly, I got a new iPod. 30 Gb 5th Gen black. I never knew what all the fuss with iPods was about til I owned one, really. And, wow, no really, WOW, I really love it. Music player, video player, photo viewer. It rocks. I get to jive to NON-SKIP music on my walk to and from work, show off my pictures to relatives and co-workers in style AND watch videos on my lunch.

The novelty of it is starting to wear off now, naturally, but I still think its a pretty useful little gizmo, even as a futuristic walkman. Mind you, I have encountered problems with it and I can "understand" why so many people can become frustrated with them.
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Firstly, the screen. All you hear about is "scratches this" and "scratches that". Well, to start, do you carry your TV around with you? No. When you have moved in the past, have you loaded your tv onto the truck and put a blanket or a pillow in front of the screen? Bet you have. SAME THING applies for an ipod. I haven't even taken the plastic protective screen off of the front of this thing and it always gets put into its' "sleeve" when I am walking with it.
Secondly, the battery life. It's a pretty simple concept, when you look at it. The battery is rechargeable. It does not last indefinately. You HAVE TO charge it every now and then. And, as well, the ipod shows a battey indicator on its screen. Most people do not realize that this battery meter is "approxmate"... its like the gas guage on a car. Go up a hill and the needle dips closer to "E", ....driving straight? It levels off. SAME THING! If you are watching videos, the battery meter is going to show you how much battery you have left IF you continue to watch video. If you stop watching video (which takes up more battery, naturally) and start listening to music again, the battery meter will go back to what is expected. "approximate"
Lastly, software errors. I have already given my iPod the "exclamation folder error". It was my own fault for not meeting sytem requirements while I was trying to format it. I understand this and got it fixed rather easily. What I am trying to get at is that "errors happen for a reason"... at least 95% of the time they do anyways. So, instead of complaining that it's "broken", find out HOW it got "broken", and work on fixing it.
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With all that said, owning an iPod and doing tech support is pretty sweet! When someone calls with a problem, I not only can (And DO) fix the problem, but I can relate, because I own one too. I swear, I have had more people call, all frustrated and mad and, GUARANTEED, by the end of the call, we are both laughing! Its awesome! I never thought I was best-suited for this role, but, so far this week alone, I have been told I am "a hero", "a tech-god", and one woman wanted to take me out to dinner! All for helping fix their problems.

All right, I hear you saying "Things have changed because you own an iPod?" No, and maybe yes. Its hard to explain. Anyone who regularily reads this blog knows my ability to analyze things and maybe *MAYBE* I am just going through one of my retrospective moments. Maybe its because its Spring and I can walk down the road without a big winter jacket on, listening to music. Maybe its because I truly enjoy hearing happy people at work, telling me how much I helped them. Who knows. But me likey it......








Ciao

Never let your dreams grow small

Song Of The Moment

"Hook" with Robin Williams is playing on tv. Peter just learned how to use his imagination. "You're doing it, Peter. You're playing with us." Maybe, if I use my imagination, I can pretend that all is right. How can I keep fighting and let it all go at the same time?

Last year I fought a self-started court battle to get access with my Daughter. After 6 months of getting papers filled out, working through legal jargonese and waiting and WAITING for the courts to take action, I gained a court order stating days and times I was permitted to spend with my 6 year old daughter. Why did I start this court-battle? I wasn't allowed to see my daughter for Christmas. I didn't "win" by getting the court-order, I ended the fight. So sick of fighting to spend time with my Daughter. But now?...with my court order, the fighting was finished.

Peter Pan just rose above the table, flying again for the first time in a while. How can I fly if I am anchored by ....by what? "Whats your happy thought, Peter?" My happy thought is what keeps me anchored. My happy thought is so close but so far away.

The past year has been a symphony of "game playing". Whether its :
1. The Phone Game - Where one person waits for the other person to leave the house so they can call and leave messages on your machine, spitting vile hatefullness into the reciever, for the other person to listen to when they get home.
2. The Pawn Game - Saying things to a 6 year old girl so it can travel to the other person. hateful words about you, spoken by a child.
OR
3. The Money Game - This one is devious. Played enough and you almost think that you RENT the right to see your family members!

So obviously, having a court order doesn't neccassarily mean you get to see your children. It only means that the court has ordered it. If the other party does not let you, there is not much you can do about it right away. You can call the cops to have it "documented" and then take the person back to court. I mean you could try to talk to the "other party" and see if they can see clearly that all you want is to be a Father. But that would require talking without yelling, accusing, controlling or threatening.

Peter just found his happy thought. Being a Dad.

This is Easter weekend.

(B) Holiday/special day access will supersede regular access with the father having
access as follows:

(ii) Easter weekend: commencing 2006 and each even-numbered year thereafter from
Sunday 12:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. Commencing 2007 and each odd-numbered year
thereafter, Saturday 6:00 p.m. to Sunday 12:00 p.m.;

I call and I get disconnected after 2 maybe 3 rings. I was informed last weekend by my little one that, even though she wants to see me on Easter, she would be spending Easter with her Grandparents, since they have been away for 2 months. Which is great! But, um, what about her Dad? Isn't "he" allowed to see her as well? What if my Daughter said she would like to see both of us? Would that make it acceptable? What if I had a court-order to back me up? Hows about then? No?

This Hook movie is suddenly starting to look cheesy. I can see McDonalds figurines now, packaged as Peter Pan and Hook, being placed into Happy Meals. I see now the meaning behind the movie! Its all about marketing! Making money!

Happy Easter, My Daughter.












Ciao

Worn out places...worn out faces....

Song Of The Moment


































"I smelt the violets in her hands and asked, half in words, half in sign, a question that meant 'Is love the sweetness of flowers?'"
-Helen Keller

I couldn't bear to hear those words again

Song Of The Moment

"Dear xxxx,
After I walked xxxxxx home yesterday, I was confronted with a nice message from you when I got back to MY home. As much as I like to talk civilly about OUR Daughter, the flip-side is I RESENT scare tactics...ALOT! I have endured your form of "Parenting" for about 7 years now. I have "been the fool for" and "put up with" your threats, criticism and bullshit for far too long. As of today, you are not welcome here. Do NOT call my number. Do NOT leave messages on my machine. I do NOT want you living on my answering machine. If something comes up, find someone ELSE to notify me. Yes, thats right. YOU find someone else. YOU put up with restrictions because of YOUR stupidity.

To further summarize, if you want to end a sentence with "or else xxxxx won't be coming over to your place ever again", I HIGHLY suggest you get a "LAWYER" to word it for you. For THAT matter, I want to know just how much you are mind-xxxxing OUR Daughter in the first place! Do you batter her with questions when she walks in the front door? Do you question her until she cracks and starts crying? I won't ask if you talk civilly about me to her. I have heard enough of "Mommy says we can't afford much because YOU don't give her any money". I have explained how "Daddy gives money to Mommy by giving the money to someone who can give the money to Mommy without anyone yelling" enough to this 6-year-old child to last an ever-loving LIFETIME! If YOU do NOT have enough money because you wasted 7 years of your life working a 2-bit part-time job, spending your spare-time looking for a sugardaddy to support your insanity, thats YOUR fault, you trailerpark whore. Yes, thats right, you, ma'am, are a whore, complete with dead flowers in your 3-year-old trailer park garden and your splitting and rotting garbage bags cluttering the front yard of your 3rd rate hell-hole.

So, in conclusion, when the bills roll in for Baby #2 and you realize you can NOT afford anything anymore, do NOT think of me as your beating pillow. I fought for over a year to end your psychological BS, legal paper trains and endless court battles. I *WILL* do it again."






Ciao

And my scars remind me that the Past is real

Song Of The Moment

Recently, I have been thinking about my Life (ok, thats a lie..everyone thinks about their Life more or less every day) and I have come to realize all that I have done. Sometimes, it helps to search your heart and pick out those few shining moments of accomplishment and bask in the glory of them. It helps you realize who you *really* are....

Of all the things I have done, the one single thing I take pride in the most is being a Father to my little girl, Amber Jane. Through the hard times when my wife and I split up, I always tried my *hardest* to do things with her in mind. I am not perfect and I'll be the last person to say I did everything right, but, I believe I can say that my little girl loves her daddy and looks up to him for help and support. *This*, by far, is the most uplifting thing in my Life, being able to mould a childs future with just my actions as a guideline.

I try to teach her about love by showing her that I can love and how nice an emotion it can be.
I teach her about right and wrong by the decisions I make on a daily basis.
I teach her about honesty by being open with her about everything (to a point).
Most of all, I show her that Family is the roots that she can stand on when she is uncertain as to whom she is. If she needs something or is in trouble, she need only call on me and I will do my best to help. Thats what Family is for afterall.


I remember, after my wife left, I was introduced to the computer and the internet...and I am proud to say that, the things I have done online and the friends I have made along the way DESERVE a mention in my "List of Accomplishments". I have discovered a whole new side of me, one that likes to entertain, one that creates things for other peoples enjoyment, and one that holds dear the companionship of those few people he has spilled his heart and soul out to on the keyboard.
Another one of my accomplishments are the romantic relationships I have had. I haven't found Misses Right yet...but I know that the women I have had feelings for, I have shown them the "true me", not some made-up person trying to impress whomever. I have always tried to be "me" when I start to like someone and that is a true accomplishment in a world of liars, cheaters and players.


All for all, my Life has been rather eventful and adventurous. I have gained so much that its hard to imagine the downfalls of it all. And thats the way I like it. If you think about only what you have done wrong, you will cheat yourself and all around you of your true inner beauty and strengths. And that is what Life is all about...being you, LIKING you .... and taking pride in yourself.


Ciao


Originally Posted September 08th, 2005

the sickness is rising

Song Of The Moment

Will I get in trouble at work tomorrow when I put *this* into my screensaver?

Well, I guess I won't know til I do it, huh? In case you're wondering, *this* is what I look at all day at work (well, minus the faux pas messenger window thingy, that is). Mac desktop with a Windows XP background. Yup, Its messed up.
As a screen saver, that little folder you see there is my collection of windows, mac and other screens, which I use as a screen saver... Its kinda neat to see the default "It is now safe to turn off your computer" screen on the work mac. Yes, simple things DO amuse simple minds....heh.

Ciao