Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappears

Song of the Moment

A long time ago, I was told I would get hurt. I heard this through the filter of normalcy however. "How could I get hurt? I feel bulletproof!" But, my bulletproof mask wore with Time, and it could not shield me from the pain that came. The pain of ending. It happened again and again, ... over Time.
We are all going to feel hurt, just like we all can feel joy. It's the norm of Life. Only the fool does not feel the pain, simple in his innocence, he feels happy that it happened at all. The mourning process is different for the simple. I know I have lived for I have hurt.
I want to be your memory. I want to be that special person until the next special person comes along. I don't want you to remember the hurt. I will. And when our paths divide, sending us to the opposite corners of our Lives, I want you to remember the joy, as I want to.
My New Years resolution. I want to treat each moment spent with anyone like it were the last. To break ties after leaving, cherishing the moment in a way those that hurt can.

Happy New Years to everyone close to my heart right now .. including you, Mister Hugh








Ciao

You won't break me no matter how hard you try

Song of the Moment

It would be great if I could call and talk to my Daughter. Instead, my call goes right to Voicemail, time and time again. I leave a message which I can only guess gets deleted, since my Daughter never hears any of them. The more I think of it, when I drive her home every weekend, it's feeling more and more like I am dropping her off at Jail. Maybe I'll just try sending her letters instead.
And yes, it's still ongoing, this "Hate' thing my ex-wife has for me. I don't think she understands what she is doing when she does these "dirty little tricks". Apparently, I am the bad guy. The one bad thing I have ever done was not taking my Daughter with me when she left. Because of that one overlooked thing, I have endured 10 years of hate from the other side. I'm beyond the point of asking "When will it stop?" It won't stop, ... apparently, I *need* to be continually reminded that I can't see her on a daily basis.

But at least I do have one form of venting this. Writing. Putting the words down so I can remember for a later day. And what lesson should I remember for a later day today?

"No matter how good things look, there's always someone who despises you. Pay them no mind, for there are people who despise these people also. The root branch is the one that grows on it's own, not tangled and suffocated by the rest of the tree."











Ciao

So dont yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate ... It may have a new perspective on a different day.

Song of the Moment

A few weeks ago, the radiator in my car got a leak. With not enough to pay for the repairs right away, I am a pedestrian again temporarily. I biked from work to pick up the Daughter. We both biked home, laughing, talking about the week, coasting down the hill and I'm hearing "I'm Queen of the road!!". As we walked up the hill, Amber and I talk.

"Phew, this is a tall hill..."
"Yeah! But it will be fun going down the other side."
"Yeah!
"You know what, Dad?"
"What?"
"It's kind of like everything.."
"Hmmm?"
"Well, going up and down the hill. It's like what we do all the time. We work really hard to climb up and up and up. And when we get to the top, it doesn't take much to ride down the other side."
"You're right Amber. And sometimes, we work so hard climbing the hill, we are too tired to enjoy the ride down the other side."
"Yeah ... hey Dad? Want to turn around and coast down the hill again?"
"... you bet."

I never had these talks with my Dad. I am glad I was able to have this conversation with my Daughter.


















Ciao

You don't know my name, you don't know my number, you don't know my face at all.

Song of the Moment

I remember working at the Pot factory. I started there grinding handles for the pots. A pretty mindless job ... swipe-swipe, turn over, swipe-swipe, toss in bucket, next. It was all about #'s. An 8 hour day equaled almost 800 handles for the new people, over 1000 for people at it for a while. After a few months, I increased my production to 1200 and got promoted to hand sander.

Not much of a promotion, considering the work involved wrapping sandpaper around your fingers, and rubbing them on the inside lip of a freshly formed pot, suctioned to a spinning device. Several people lost fingers at this job. I managed to survive with only minor cuts which scarred and healed and was then promoted once more to "Pot man". Only 2 others in the factory could run the Draw Press, that weird machine that would smoosh an oiled metal disc around a die and "voila" a pot popped out, with a charming "Ding", when the metal bar rose back up.

The other 2 draw press operators had been doing this job for a while, one at it for over 10 years. They both knew the machine, inside and out, and could keep to a quota. The foreman would meet one or the other at 6 AM, when we all got there, and get a report on how many pots had been done the previous night in order to find out how many of what pot needed to be done on that day. I learned easily how to "Keep to quota" and the consequences of going under (Being yanked from the draw press for the day to punch handles - running a metal wire through a press which cut the wire to handle length. Mindless.) But this was done in order to ensure that the amount of pots needed by end of day was completed, by an experienced worker.

The secret to keeping to a quota was to make sure to divide the amount needed by the amount of time in the day ... and then get 12 more an hour. Doing this successfully for a month did not increase any "Targets" we had. We all wanted to achieve more then what was needed anyways, since we got paid a half decent wage for that time. We focused our time on finding easier ways to get the same job done and how we could improve the quality of the pot being produced. Experimenting with pressures on the metal, different gauges for measuring off the discs.

The other secret to this position was to understand that "raises" did not mean someone was "going over their target". It was about "Quality of work" and "recognizing dedication to the job". I remember Louis, the foreman, meeting with me after production was done for the day. He read over my log and asked me to stay behind a few minutes. He explained that it was going to be time for raises soon and I was due for one. He explained that it wasn't because of the amount of work being done, but because of how I A. showed up for work every day, B. tried to find new ways of doing things. Hearing this puffed out my ego. It was awesome. The amount of the raise did not matter, I enjoyed getting recognized for the small things.

I met the 3rd "Potman" on the way out the door and told him about my chat with the foreman. He said he did not get a raise that year, but that was ok. He enjoyed his job. He got what he wanted from the job, put in what needed to be put in and tackled the challenges as they came, generating praise from the foreman. Maybe next year.

I felt bad at first about telling him about my raise, since he did not get one, but then realized it did not matter. This guys raise was being given to him on a weekly basis, with the foreman recognizing when he did something great. If something went wrong, it was dealt with, and the rest of the members of the "Pot" team learned from it. No one was kept "in the dark". Performance was talked about in the open. No one was told to "Not talk about your promotion to the other workers". What could be benefited from this? We were proud of the work we did. We were proud of the people we worked with and the people charged with over-seeing our production. If someone was doing poorly, we tried to find out why, since the production of a pot did not include 1 person only, but the whole factory. If there was a break in that line, production slowed, meaning longer hours of work, less time spent at home with our families.

Long story short, my time at the Pot factory taught me one very important lesson. Doing well at your job didn't give you bragging rights. It gave you that feeling of "Ahhh", that was shared by others, not kept from them. Doing a job less then awesome wasn't always a bad experience, it was a learning experience. Something you could use to better yourself. Not something to be kept like a dirty secret.













Ciao

I'm tired of living in the dark .. can anyone see me down here?

Song of the Moment

Is it time to vent? Why YES! Yes it IS!

1. You need to chill the F out. I don't want fights from you. I don't want anything from you now, honestly. Maybe one time I did. Maybe one time it was cool to be able to communicate effectively. Maybe one time, long and ever ago, it actually mattered what you thought. Now, I just want you to stop .. all together. Why? Because I know, from experience, that you can do nothing else but "be you" ... always wanting to belittle and demean. So be it. But keep that shit to yourself, got it? I have A-B-S-O-L-U-T-L-E-Y no room for that shit in my Life. We clear?

2. And YOU? You need to understand that I am not part of some "elitist group". I like to have a laugh every now and then, but you don't make me feel good about myself. After hanging with you for a while, it's almost like I need to start writing a list of things I need to make up for, for fuck sakes. Bottom line? Small doses.

3. Let's not forget about YOU either. You need to understand that your Lifestyle is not mine. You are an acquaintance with responsibilities. Stop jerking me around, ok? You want to get it all off your chest? Awesome. Take your best shot at me. I suggest punching me in the temple. It would be ironic to get hit in the head by you, since most everything you do gives me a fucking headache.

4. And finally you. Accept that Time is going by. Stop with the frigging around. Others are going to say shit. Others don't know, ok? You got that? Frig man. Are you going to let others determine how your Life turns out, just by their demeaning words and equally as shitty actions?

I apologize for the foul language. There was honestly no other way to type this.















Ciao

I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go

Song of the Moment


Don't know who left their heart in my backseat, scribbled on the window. If you need it back, it's still there. Only shows on rainy or foggy days, ironically enough.
But it is still there. Just let me know when you want to pick it up.


Ciao

Work work, money made

Song Of The Moment

DISCLAIMER: After writing this, I realized this is just one long-ass rant, and probably meant more for my own mental well-being. Continue at your own risk.

Wow, having 2 jobs is tiring. Having your 2nd job belittle you, pile extra work on you and deny your request for a raise is not only tiring but frustrating as well.
Today is my day off from my Primary job (The one I like), but I am committed to doing work in the evening for the second job. I am currently getting paid the same amount of money I have been getting paid for the past years of manual labour, but now, the work has changed. I am now filling out Project Manager templates on a nightly basis, even though I am currently not a Project Manager.
Not only has my request for a raise, to match the additional duties I have adopted, been denied BUT my requests to have additional taxes taken off my cheque has been overlooked on enough occasions for me to give up even trying to ask for this simple way to not get screwed when Tax time comes. I mean, seriously. I may get paid 150-200 every 2 weeks. They take off NOTHING for taxes on this amount! If I work 40 hours every 2 weeks (expected amount of work for a part-time job), I get paid 350 dollars and have 5 dollars deducted for taxes!!
So, with all this in place, the question is : Should I feel the same amount of pride I used to feel for a job well done? I remember the days of stripping and waxing a floor and when done, looking at the shine with the thought "Nice, *I* did this", and feeling a sense of pride, of a job well-done. Obviously, the quality of work has no affect on my outlook of the job, since management feels the right to "wring the most out of myself".
Why do I continue working this thankless job, you may ask?
Well... a little background is needed.
I am a single Father, paying Child Support. 5-6 years ago, when I was only working one minimum-wage job on Jewels farm, I discovered something called a "Re-calculation" program, through Maintenance Enforcement, where I dutifully pay my child support twice a month. In signing up for this program, the amount of Child Support I pay a month would be determined by Mine and my estranged wife's income tax returns, instead of a set #. More of a "Ok, if I get laid off, the amount of my support payment would be adjusted, so that I can still afford to buy food, etc." clause.
Which was perfect at the time of introducing it to my estranged wife, since the amount of support payments I was told to pay exceeded my monthly income of working on a farm for 6 dollars an hour.
Awesome.
Quick fast-forward to a few years later when I ended my job on the farm and started my FULL-TIME LIKED job. My Support payments increase a bit, expected behavior and something which was do-able. Life was looking up. I invested in a truck and accepted a part-time job offer with my NOT-LIKED job. The Part-time job basically paid for upkeep on my new truck, the the 2nd used truck I bought as well.
Unfortunately, both trucks, being used, broke down. I currently own a small hatchback, bought used as well, which has very little wrong with it mechanically, but cannot be used for work-purposes, due to it being a car. Now, with the 2nd job in place for 3 years, my support payments have doubled and I really only NEED to work 1 job again.
The place where it stops being logical is, in order for me to only work 1 job, I need to pay the doubled child support payments for a year, with only 1 income.
So, now that we're up-to-speed, this is my situation. I can keep working the 2nd job and ask that they take off extra taxes, but, in trying to, become frustrated as the requests get over-looked. I can ask for a raise to match the "new duties" I have been given but, wait, I already did and was told "N-O". You would think since I was the one who found, introduced and signed up for this "Re-calculation clause", I could ask them to terminate it, but apparently not. Weird no?
OK, wait, maybe, if my 2nd job's boss won't give me a raise and is not so good at remembering to take off extra taxes, I could ask my estranged wife to be lenient on my child support payments for a year, so I can leave the 2nd job and get my budget (and deprived sleep schedule) back on track?
Now, I want to make this crystal clear. I am currently getting along with my estranged wife very well, joking with her and showing a very composed and well-adjusted model for my Daughter. But, unfortunately, even though I am only able to pay 2/3 of the child support payments currently (which my estranged wife has made no issue about), this affects the overdue balance ZERO. By paying what I can afford now, the remainder goes into an "Overdue" amount on a monthly basis. So, if I can only pay 230 a month and the amount is 350 a month, the remaining 120 goes into an overdue pool, which needs to be paid. That is 1440 dollars a year, even though I cannot pay it adjust-ably.
ON TOP OF THAT, since I am now in a higher tax bracket, with no additional taxes coming off my 2nd income, I owe alot in income tax and will owe more on a yearly basis, until the Government decides to do a "wage deduction" to pay for it, like they have been doing for the past few years with my GST cheque. The child support payments will more then likely follow suit, if the "Overdue amount" continues to rise.

In closing, this sucks. And in so, I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity and ignorance. These 2 things are costing me alot of money on a monthly basis.
Money I could be using to buy, oh, I dunno food. But that's ok, I barely have enough time to eat "food" in between these 2 jobs, even if I did have that luxury.

..... am I pointing fingers? It may seem so. But, I would ask in my defense : Am *I* doing something wrong here?






Ciao