Friday, December 30, 2005

2005 In Review

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January 2005. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment, down the road from my daughter, working as a supervisor for a building cleaning company, owned a company truck, company cell....had a cat, a love for rum and an intrest in internet media. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, President George W. Bush was sworn in for a second term and Johnny Carson died. ... out with the old and in with the doob.

February - April 2005. After fighting a 6 month battle with my ex-wife over access for seeing my daughter, I get a court-ordered document signed, stating my rights and visitation times. It is a victory for me and for all that I had endured over the past 4 years. While I am celebrating this victory, no one else is celebrating the NHL's decision to cancel the entire season. As my court battle ends, so does Martha Stewarts and as my faith returns, Pope John Paul dies. Irony rules.

May - July 2005. I meet a girl from out of town when shooting pool with my "then boss". A one-time meeting turns into a romantic affair, as for the following months I move out of my little 2 bedroom and into her world "out of town", subsequentially leaving my supervisory position and finding "new" employment as a call centre agent. The following months are a dream. Meanwhile, Micheal Jacksons nightmare court battle ends and the nightmare-ish bombings in Londons subways begins.

August 2005. My romantic interlude with the out-of-town girl ends and the turmoil it ensues lands me with no place to live, no job and not much to show for my summer adventure. Ironically enough, elsewhere in the world, hurricane Katrina engulfs coastlines in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. Storms come in all shapes and forms.

With the ending of the year, so comes an ending to old ways as well. Having moved from rooming with old friends (whom I had issues with) to "crashing" with someone else (not recommended), I now find myself working as technical support for Apple (thanks to my 1 week of call centre experience "out of town") and living almost exactly where I was living at the first of the year. I am getting paid more now then I was in January and, even though I may not have the vehicle I had back then, I am pursueing a field I *actually* have intrest in. All for all?...last year was "eventfull"....2006 should be better.






Ciao

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Happy Birthday To Me

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Well, first off, today is my birthday. 33 years old and none the wiser. I gave myself a birthday present of having the phone and cable hooked up, so, this evening, when I get home, I'm chillaxing and getting caught up on my boobtoob.

Now, this is nothing like the birthdays of past. I can remember my 30th birthday. A friend of mine was back visiting from BC and he invited me and another close friend of mine out for "a few drinks"... As it seemed, the "few drinks" they had planned for me was 6 tequilla shooters, all lined up nice and pretty at the bar, followed by a few pitchers of beer. Of course, after shooting the tequilla, the beer more or less anchored me to the seat I had now found at a nearby table. The girls at the table didn't seem to mind me much, of course, I was pretty quiet at first, just trying to make sure the room didn't spin-too-much-type-deal.

Ok, so, next thing I remember, I was in the bathroom, wondering how I got into the bathroom. I wasn't *using* the bathroom...just standing there, in front of the garbage can. Next thing I remember?....telling some guy I had never met before that I thought his shirt looked "girly" and then laughing because it was....next thing I remember?....the floor of a yellow cab, up close. Let me tell ya, ew. Aside from falling through the door of the roommates house, stating to my friend, whom had abandonded me, that "I was goin to sleep where I fall" and passing out on the stairs, that was my birthday.

So, in closing?...I think celebrating my 33rd birthday at home, with NO alcohol present is *probably* for the best...at least I'll know where I'm sleeping.







Ciao

Friday, December 16, 2005

Welcome to Winter 2005

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My favorite Christmas memory was back in 2000, when my little girl came over for Christmas. It was the first (and only, to date) time she spent Christmas with me and the memories of it are still fresh in mind, like it was yesterday.

We both stayed up late, watching Christmas cartoons and setting up *traps* for Santa, and it wasn't until about 11:30 that she finally fell asleep, hugging her Christmas stocking tightly. After putting her to bed, I did the *Dad* thing and filled the stocking, lined the underneath of the tree with "Santa's presents" and sat back with a plate of ol' HoHos' cookies and watched the lights on the tree flicker on and off. Frankie sang about how he would be home for Christmas on the radio and I thought "Wow, I'm home." This was the first apartment I had rented since My wife and I had seperated and I was surprised at how at home I felt.

This is how it is supposed to be at Christmas though. You are supposed to be with your family. Only with your closest loved ones at this time of year can you feel the true spirit of the season.
I feel bad for all the people in the world without *families* to be with at this time of year. I used to think I was one of those people, lost and alone with no one to express anything to. I kind of remember that feeling to *this* day, answering technical calls to people and hearing that lost sound in some of their voices. Makes me wonder how some people keep on "keeping on", especially at this time of year when everything is supposed to be "holly jolly"...or at least "Christian".

To end this Yuletide blog entry, I want to share something I found on a computer that was given to me as a "Moving In/Christmas gift". Its Christian theme and the sadness attached kind of sums up the holidays, sadly, for so many.


It Had Come To This

It is here
at the end of everything
that I may best analyze the course of yesterdays long gone
those turns I'd taken
decisions I made
illusions I cherished
dreams that never fulfilled
so many hearts I've broken
and promises
that I knew I could never bring to pass

My family and all those I cherished helpless before me
I saw myself as a samaritan to those in need
thinking I could carry the entire world upon myself
and wondering why now the weight is too great to be borne

Now who is the one who may come and help that samaritan who became the abandoned wayfarer?
Laying in his blood and crowds are passing him by
without so much as noticing him
and giving such insignificant help
what that man requires is a complete blood transfusion
see how I have reached the limit
and I cannot go any further
yet I keep grasping for that forsaken ideal
and the more I extend my arms
the further away the goal carries itself further away from me

That I cannot heal that wound on my own
my strength has waned
and determination
will not last the fading day
see as I have not always seen
with those eyes of reality
the literal chains that bind me
see how inadequate I am
for this society made of morals, ethics, I was always denied

Overconfident
generous of that which i did not possess
dead on arrival
Christ never agreed to pay for that which I now owe
my soul I have sold for twice nothing
and told Satan to keep the change






Ciao (and Merry HoHo)

Monday, December 05, 2005

if I ever lose my mouth, I won’t have to talk...

Song Of The Moment

I'll start by telling you of my "walk" last week. I was up early last Friday to make the walk into town in order to pay some bills (a walk I hope NOT TO DO every 2 weeks, I might add!). My walk to town brought me by many familiar places, but, more so, it took me by every school I had attended in youth.

Firstly, Charlottetown Rural...my old high school. Walking by it, I remembered walking to the corner store across the highway to get lunch and rent video games for "afterschool entertainment". (Super Mario Bros 3...yeah baby! Castlevania and MegaMan.....NES, you served me well). When I think of all the people I knew from high school, they all feel so familiar to me still, even though I stopped talking to them all when we all went our seperate ways once we all graduated. Names like Donald MacDonald, Duanne Pound, Tracey Burke, etc....they still bring up familiar memories to me. Duanne calling me "Hugh Dog" for the full 3 years....still laugh when I think of it now

Next on my walk was my grade school, Sherwood Elementary. I walked past the 6 doors for that school and remembered how each Grade had a particular door. Grade 3 was my favorite grade, only because that door had TWO cross bars by it that you could climb up and do hanging acts off of it. I remember Donald daring me to climb up one and jump down. 3 days before I could go back to school after that one...

Lastly was the middle school, Stonepark Junior High, where I learned things like German, philosophy and such things that a kid my age just did not think of as useful at that time in my Life. .. MAN, I wish I had paid more attention in German class now, remembering the Kraus's, neighbours I had 6 years ago. It was here that I also FULLY discovered girls and also discovered that I was an awkward kid around them ... heh, good memories.

Anyways, getting back to my rambling here....after my walk to town, I went to work. An old school friend works here, coincidentally. Went out to have a cig and was talking to him. The topic turned into people we knew in High school. Steve works at the DVA building and was remarking on how many people we both knew from school tht he has seen at the DVA (yes, the DVA works with death incidents). He kept listing off names, names of people I still had fresh in mind, names of people who I joked with, names of girls I had a crush on,.... names.

Duanne Pound was killed in a windsurfing accident. He went too far out and the current got him,...pulled him under. He was only in his late 20's. Others died of cancer, vehicle accidents, etc. I guess, at that point, I was reminded of my own mortality, my own limited time on this earth. Thinking of this and also knowing that I lasted longer then quite a few people I went to school with does not make me feel accomplished. The opposite actually. I feel like I should do as much as I can with the time I have left before I become just another name for Steve to remark about as "not with us anymore"...another grave-maker beyond a burned bridge, so to speak...












Btw, was going to have "Alma Mater" by Alice Cooper as the song for this posting but, it just doesn't give the same meaning, the feeling of hopelessness at ones own destiny and the acceptance of it.

Ciao

Sunday, December 04, 2005

What else should I be?

Song Of The Moment

In todays society, with its digital videos, cell phones and downloaded Christmas cards, people have stopped appreciating the simple beauty of a rose. Its fragrance goes unnoticed and its true meaning is lost. When did the paper-wrapped flower bouquet become replaced by an iPod?
In any case, I have always believed in giving roses to people who are special to me...but, just in case I forgot someone along the way, here is your rose.







This pink rose is for my ex-wife, Janet. It signifies my appreciation to her for not letting me destroy my relationship with my daughter when our marriage broke up. Her courage showed only as bitterness and anger to all around her, but, in the end, she has risen up and shown who she can be... strong for those that deserve it.

Thank you Janet.

This rose is for my first love, Tanya. So long have I known her...to this day, even though our paths have taken us away from each other, we can still laugh, talk and remember the good times with a smile. This rose signifies the friendship I have in her ... and the friend she will always have in me, regardless.


For my daughter, Amber, I give you this white rose. Your innocence has proven to me, time and time again, that no matter what the problem is, there's *always* a solution. Your love has kept me going for all these years and you don't even fully know this yet.

Here's your rose, sweetie...Daddy always loves you.


This flower might or might not ever have an owner. This rose is for the woman that captures my heart, never to let it go. I have given this rose to several people in my lifetime, only to discover that they deserved a different color. So for now?... this rose will stay with me, until that person crosses my path and decides to make it home.


This flower is laid on the ground, beside a stone in the country. I lay it there in the hopes that Mom will look down from Heaven and see it. I hope and pray she knew how grateful I am for all that she tried to teach me about Life and love. And I hope someday to see her again and show to her how much her teachings did for me.


This rose does not exist, but, its meaning holds true all the same. I give this flower to myself, on long dark days, when the sun refuses to shine in my heart...I will look at this rose and know that "anything is possible and even the unattainable can be reached."




~Ciao~




They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.
-
Ernest Dowson, 1867 - 1900