did you think I'd lay down and die?

Song of the Moment

My first girlfriend was Tanya. I was 18, she was 16. We were inseperable. We spent hours talking to each other, on the steps of the school or on the phone. Tanya's Dad didn't like me much, which meant careful dating tactics. Basically, she would sneak me into her place when he was gone. If he came home early, in the closet I went. Many a night I spent ducking into her closet at the slightest sound of the door opening. I remember telling her I loved her as G'N'R's "Coma" played in her living room. I remember telling her goodbye when I had to move....I forgive myself for being young and not realizing I hurt her by leaving.

My ex-wife, Janet, wasn't always my ex-wife. I met her at the exhibition, beside the Pirate Ship. My first impression was "tall, lanky and laughs like a horse". 7 years later, I remembered how she had kissed me in the hall of her sisters apartment and asked me to never let her go.....I remembered this as I fell to my knees in anguish in our backyard, beside the swing I built for our little girl, after her telling me "she didn't love me anymore"....I forgive myself for thinking "our" life was "my" life.

*After moving out, I found Tanya and re-kindled what we had, briefly. Time had changed both of us, but there was always that flicker in her eyes when she looked at me, that sense of being home*

My first "crush" was Andrea. She was everything my ex-wife wasn't. Open and free, ambitious and crazy. We did things I still laugh about, like riding kids bikes at 3 AM around her neighbourhood, flipping shopping carts over onto fire hydrants as we wanderd back from the bar and laughing at the mundane things in Life. Andrea was my crush, I was only her "friend". I tore our friendship apart because of it. I remember the last time I saw her, walking defiantly across her yard, daring me to talk to her. I forgive myself for wanting to be with her enough to wreck a friendship.

*Tanya kept in touch with me during this friendship, even though she was with another man, inviting me over and making me welcome. This was the only affair I have ever been part of....and the simple sin of it, even during the innocence of the Christmas season, made it all the more forgiveable to me*

Charlotte was my summer romance. She wandered into my life, like a windstorm, taking me with her. Everything was perfect. That "L" word was everywhere. I gave up everything I had had up to this point to be with her.... moving out of town and away from the Life I knew, making her life mine. I remember her putting her arms around me and saying "How could you ever think you're ugly?" But jealousy tore what we had apart. I forgive myself for learning the hard way what is most important in my life....me

*Tanya is getting married by year end. She emails me every now and then, telling me how her baby boy is and saying she will come to visit when she can.*





Ciao