A smile from a veil

We're not the same person we were yesterday. We won't be the same person tomorrow that we woke up as today either. But the fleeting moments we share, lived in our memories as we go about our daily existence, give us a chance to travel back in Time, to a place where the air was different, the light brighter.
I wonder, Dear friend, if you remember the same way I do. If, just the thoughts of those days, bring those things days for you. Bring them back so richly that you can taste the air and cover your eyes from the light.
I won't say I miss you all, I do. But, to speak honestly, what I miss has a name I cannot fully comprehend. It is almost like I miss the experience, but bigger then that.

I miss the world.

You are all still out there, though, products of your yesterdays, seeds of the Future. And you are all here too, in memory. The glass memory I hold of those times, those places. Those things that make us and have made us.

To Mark - I'm still alive, I hope you are well too
To Andrea - Be happy please
To Kevin - Thank you for being my friend
To Melanie - I want to miss you
To Chris - I'm sorry
To Charlotte - You were right

To everyone else? I miss you all...






Ciao

I'm the loudest one laughing at the saddest wake

I guess most people don't understand me, those that would take a moment to try. I'm constantly trying to piece myself together as well.

One thing I know, I *need* humor.

Ok, let me explain something. A long time ago, a very close friend explained to me something very important. "We all want money, free time, gadgets and doo-dads. But we don't need them to live. If we go without air, we die. If we go without human contact, we don't die, physically, we die mentally. Do you understand?"

So, I don't just "want" humor, I need it. Without it, things get Black and Grey. People lose their tactile relativity and things get out-of-focus. I haven't tried going for longer then a few weeks without it. I usually end those periods of time, laughing like a freaking maniac at something very, very bland. laughing like I was going to have a heart-attack. These laughing bouts usually end with tears.

It's almost like going underwater and getting your foot stuck under a rock. You fight and pull at your foot, all the while thinking "O frig, o frig, I'm screwed". Your vision gets bleary as you try not to breathe in the water that will replace the air you need and inevitably kill you. Finally, after freeing yourself, you frantically swim back to the surface and, as soon as you break, your body screams in air, violently. Trying to get in as much as you need, 'til your eyes water.

So, if I seem off-kilter with the things I say and do, it's just my way of breathing, my way of keeping alive.





Ciao

It's been so long since I've been home

"Hello 2 A.M.. What thoughts do you have for me tonight?"

"Well, lets get started with work, why don't we?"

"Ok, what about it?"

"Isn't it funny that you try *so hard* to put all of yourself into your job but you can *never* really talk about what you do? Isn't it sadly ironic that, even though you're pretty proud about how you **** **** ****** ***** ** **** or how you **** *** ******* ***'* ***, you are not allowed to discuss it openly with others?"

"Ok 2 A.M., we're off to another bad start tonight, I see. Let's switch topics, ok?"

"Sure buddy, anything for an old friend. How's your social life? Met anyone new & exciting?"

"sigh"

"Oh, that's right! You're still going with your whole 'hermitization theory', aintcha? How's that going, anyways? Learning anything new about yourself? Opening up any doors?"

"You know something, 2 A.M.? Sometimes I think you only come around to make the new day worse before it even begins."

"Oh c'mon, man. You know you need me. You know that without me, you would never realize how quickly things have gotten out of control. Or how you really want to do things out of the ordinary but don't. Damn man! Without me?... you might actually get some decent sleep at night!"

"Ok, listen. We can talk but you're gonna have to pick something that is appropriate, ok?"

"........ how's your little one?"

"Yup, knew it. You are getting too predictable, 2 A.M.. You can stick around for a while, if you want, but I'm hitting the hay. Turn out the lights and lock the doors when you leave, ok?"

"Ok pal, I always do, don't I?"







"Ciao"

The most loneliest day of my life

Woke up this morning, with just enough time to start burning a new kids movie for the young one, before running out the door for work. The girl at the corner store sold me my pack of smokes, like usual, filling up 5 minutes with inane chatter, consisting of mostly nothing.
Work drags on for the most part of the day, sitting at my little desk, with my little chair and my little computer, staring at the screen and trying hard not to lose touch. People talk to me and I respond, filling their moments with mostly inane chatter, meaning nothing.
Going home now, watching the cars drive past, wondering if the people in those cars are feeling as lost as myself. I make a wrong turn and wind up back there again. Why can't I remember where I live? Idiot.
Finally home. Cats hungry, messages from people I don't know on the phone, computer tells me another DVD's done. I should eat, I suppose, but I don't. I usually don't, why break tradition?

And now, here I sit, elbow to knee, just like last night, wondering if you're out there.






Ciao

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd

We all try, we all fail ... not all of us notice. Its true that we learn from our mistakes and experience makes us wiser but I think I'm better off for the time being not noticing the failures.


Something is telling me to just sit back and chill out

I remember back before it all changed. Living was all about laughing and never looking back. Through a Gaussian filter I see it all now though, and Time has a way of playing with the facts. Its best if I don't try to change what is behind me back there, and just keep it saved in my memories, my own way.

So now, here I stand. Just woken up from a sleep that seemed to never have a beginning. Yesterday is just a blurred image, becoming more and more obscure as the layers of dust settle on it. But yesterday, I woke up much the same way as today. If this is acceptance of morality, why won't I remember it tomorrow?

Because Life is ever-changing. And I am standing on 12:00 AM.








Ciao

The check's in the mail

Simple communication. It can be SUCH a useful thing, can't it?
Ok, lets backtrack here. I work 2 jobs, 1 full-time, 1 part-time.
With me so far?
Good.
Ok, so, Full-time job pays me on time. They always do, direct deposit & such. I spend what I have to and am short about 150 bucks for rent.
YIKES!
But thats okay! ... why? Because I have a part-time job, thats why. And with the hours I spend working with them, after the full-time job, I have just enough to make up the difference for rent and get groceries.

"Yeah, Mister landlord, sir. Here's 3/4 of the rent. Can you drop by tomorrow at about 6. I'll have the rest for ya tomorrow"
"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss. Give me a call when the check's are done tomorrow, ok? About 5:30? The checks'll be done around then, right? .. cool."

Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:00 Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:30 Tick Tick Tick 6:00

*Ring Ring*

"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss, check's done yet? What? Not 'til tomorrow? Wh-what? The Boss said he would call me about it? ... yeah, I got to pay rent ... at...at 6. No, nope he didn't call me... wow, I don't think he SHOULD call me... um, what am I..... WOW, I have no cigarettes, no gas..... He's out playing POOL? Yeah, I have to stop talking about this, I'm getting mad and I want to yell, ok?"

*click*


Simple communication.
Useful but little known tool in the eyes (and ears) of the absent-minded.






Ciao

he tries to please them all, this bitter man he is

As normal as it all gets, its still kind of permeated with thoughts. If I had amnesia, I'd probably be content, but unfortunately I have memories. Some good, some bad, most in the in-between area of "just there". Keep thinking that it will be like the stories say "...and on his death bed, the blind man said 'I see...' and then passed away."
The least I can do is to stop trying to correct old passages of time and do what I can now. I'll make mistakes, ... everyone does. But I'm living right now.

In all that I've done wrong, I know I must have done something right...

Well, little girl, summer vacation is almost over. Tomorrow morning, I have to give you back to Mom. I know the place is going to be so much more quiet when I get home. Maybe I'll just drive around for a while, at least until that feeling leaves.

We had fun though, playing hide and seek, imaginary adventure games, watching movies, laughing and giggling at silly things. Now, after just tucking you in and kissing your forehead goodnight, those things are just memories. Picking up your toys from the living room, unplugging the bathtub and putting your clothes into the hamper ... I'd say I wish we had more time, but I know there is never enough time.

Everyone has problems, little one, and it takes a big person to accept those problems and sort them out. I wish I could accept the fact that you don't live with me. I dearly wish I could stop the pain I feel inside when you have to go away ... the pain that is that voice in the back of my head saying "You are missing something in your life right now."

I love you, little girl.

Carved In Stone

Song Of The Moment

I don't think I have given up on "looking for someone". Fact of the matter is, I am not looking for anyone. I want to meet someone, someone that will bring the light back. But, I have seen alot and I don't think I can watch any of that again. I already know how the storyline ends, most of the time.
One of the best books I have ever read (the five people you meet in heaven) explained it the best. I've had some good times. I've made differences in some peoples lives; some good, some not so good. And now, that that is all said and done, I'll sit and wait for ... well, ... for whatever comes in the end.
After all, whether you believe in Heaven or Hell, the afterlife, cremation or the Great Nothing, we all will meet again someday. So what if my life is secluded. At least it's not filled with the stress and trauma of dual-emotions battling it out. Don't you think its better to be lonely and hope-filled then to turn around to a warground-past and try to live with it?








Ciao

Can you say brainwashing?

Song Of The Moment

Taken from The Men’s Rights Manual for Divorce

"The elemental bond that links fathers with their children is the subject of ancient poetry, biblical legend, and even diplomatic stand-offs. Remember Homer's epic saga of Odysseus and Telemachus? The New Testament tale of the prodigal son? And of course the Elian Gonzalez case.

Xavier Quinta was born on June 24, 1998 to Bennett Vonderheide and Wendy Flanders of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. But the relationship went sour and the couple separated.

In February 2003 the judge awarded custody of Xavier to his mother, ordering that he spend two days a week with his father. But Flanders soon decided to ignore the judge's order, at first restricting visits to only two hours a day, and then thwarting all contact for months at a time.

But that wasn't enough, so Flanders schemed to alienate Xavier from his father.

According to the contempt motion, Flanders first withheld information from Ben, refusing to advise him about school programs, teacher conferences, or even the name of the kindergarten where Xavier would be attending.

She then fabricated multiple allegations of abuse, a claim of fear being the only proof she needed. Then she used these unproven accusations to show Xavier that his father was a perp. On the advice of counselors, the father once made several telephone calls to the child. The mother then claimed those calls amounted to harassment. The district attorney later dismissed the ridiculous charge.

Next she resorted to outright manipulation. One day Flanders informed the father he wouldn't be allowed to see his son for Christmas Eve. Then she had the child dress up in anticipation of the father's visit. When the father didn't arrive, she used that as proof the father was a deadbeat.

And finally, Flanders violated a key requirement of the custody order that neither make "derogatory comments about the other parent." Instead, she waged a campaign of calumnies, repeatedly calling Ben a liar and abuser.

Once Xavier introduced his father to his classmates as, "This is my Daddy -- he is filled with hatred and anger" -- a phrase that a five-year-old boy is unlikely to come up with on his own.

But as Xavier grew older, he began to realize that he was caught in the middle of a high stakes tug-of-war. He said he didn't want his mother to control him, and much to her dismay wanted to spend more time with dad.

That gave Vonderheide his opening. He decided to stop the mother from turning the child's transfer into a screaming confrontation. At the next visit, the father sat calmly on a bench, and cast his best "I'm not sure what game you're playing but I'm not interested" look. Problem solved.

Once accused of being "the worst dad in the world," Vonderheide pointed out to his son that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had killed thousands of persons. "So I'm at least the third worst dad in the world," dad humorously concluded.

Last month Wendy Flanders was found guilty on three counts of making false statements to law enforcement officials, fined, and placed on probation. And Ben Vonderheide's record was expunged on many of the counts against him. The battle cost him $350,000 in legal expenses.

This Sunday, 8-year-old Xavier will be spending Father's Day with his dad. They plan to play laser tag, go for a hike, and maybe take in a movie.

Father and son, reunited."


There's ugliness in this world. Ugliness that sometimes people cannot see. And even if they did, they wouldn't be able to comprehend it because it is not theirs. The above story hit home for me, due to having lived it. And I guess I am posting it here as a reminder to me of all that has come and past.

Ciao

I jumped into the river too many times to make it home

Song Of The Moment

So I was invited to go out last weekend. I bailed last moment. On the drive home, I understood why. I wanted to go out, it really sounded like a good time! But for too long now, my Life has rotated around one, simple schedule:

Work all week
Visit with my daughter on weekend

I fought for this schedule. Went a full year without seeing her, unfairly. Took people to court for it, w/o lawyer, and won. Reasoning being? ... my little girl is the most important thing in my world. Now? .. the terminology of "Having a Life" is kind of different for me. My weekends are spent seeing her, so she understands that I am her Dad. So she knows this was *not* my idea.

I don't do much of anything else on the weekends, understandably enough. I hermitized myself, in order to keep room for her. On occassion, I try to do things on my own for fun. But I always end up thinking "Is this *really* what you want to do and where you want to be?" And now, its natural to turn down offers to "go out". People say, in defense, "Why don't you just get a baysitter?" If YOU had to struggle for a year to be permitted to do something you had full rights to, would you let it slip *that* easily?

Trying to work that around a job is interesting as well. I have already let 2 jobs drop because they interfered with this VERY BASIC schedule. And do not have any qualms about letting other things drop for it in the future, if it gets in the way. I think this is completely understandable. Why can't other people understand that I can only set aside Febtober the 35th as a weekend without my little girl?

What gets me though is, when she comes over to visit, I don't really want to be annoyed by people asking me to "go over and visit", and by all means, to give them a hand. Having a truck is great! .. but if it's my one day out of 7 to see my young one, I do not want to spend it helping someone move, while she tries desperately to keep herself amused. I want her & I to do things together, like a Father & a Daughter should. Is that too much to ask?







Ciao

Should I talk slower like you're a retard?

Song Of The Moment

What do I got inside me today? Hmmmmmm...... Examining my mental-workings, as fun as it always has been, is starting to lose its appeal, along with alot of other things; the internet, music, achieving goals, etc. I think I've hit the big 404 page in my head.

Working 2 jobs, playing video games, surfing the net, enjoying the freedom of having a truck. There, thats the basics of day-to-day existence. Every weekend, my little girl comes over and I pretend everything's normal, for her sake. She goes back home to Mom and the silence sets in... quiet enough for me to hear those voices. I think they're in my head, but sometimes they sound like they're coming from behind me, or that maybe it's me talking.

"Live for right now... ... Are those Dads' boots by the door? ... ... I don't think I love you anymore... ... I missed you that whole year, Daddy."

Got home last night from visiting, laid down on the couch because the living room decided to start spinning counter-clockwise randomly and, as I stared at the entertainment system, I realized how distant and disconnected my Life is from what I 'percieve' it to be. I live alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. It's just me. Others don't really exist .. they CAN'T really exist in order for me to keep on keeping on, pretending this is how I want my path to unfold. If they did? ... it would be like taking the stopper out of a full bathtub. My lies and make-believes would swirl away from me and I would have to start all over, from the beginning.

So, please, don't take offense if I see through you. I can't really help it now, this far into the game.






Ciao

It's okay to be angry and never let go

Song Of The Moment

So broken.
Head full of voices
& sentimentality.

Lived this way so long,
can't release them or please them.
Wish for amnesia.

Put on a smile and lie to the world.
Make-believe stories and twisted truths'
mask me

Only those that can read my words when I talk
and hear what I say when I write
could even start to understand.

So I'm alone ...
So are we all.

Ciao

eye was looking into the mirror

Song Of The Moment

People don't realize how little things can affect peoples' lives. Take your name, for instance. My Mother, God bless her soul, wanted to name me Noel, since I was born so close to Christmas. Dad, however, being the strict Catholic he was, thought of (forceably-enforced) the name Hugh, thinking it would be more appropriate, naming me after P.E.I.'s first Catholic priests' gardener, Hugh-Ban (wtf???).

Having a name like Hugh means you are paranoid from the day you learn English. I hear my name everywhere. "Who did it? HUGH did it" Adding an 'ie' to it doesn't lessen this either. Then, instead of being ONE letter, you're TWO! Not everyone gets a 99% on their English test because they mispelt their own name "U-E"

Having a 'unique' name also means your Life skews from the norm. Don't believe this? Explain Pseudonyms .... So, to say I'm pompous is a fallacy. My Life demands differences, insists on being apart and seperate from the "Norm" (Quick Fact : Hillary Norman "Norm" Peterson was a character on the tv show Cheers, portrayed by George Wendt. Norm's real first name was revealed to be Hillary, named after his grandfather.)

So, what does this have to do with me getting laid? GOOD QUESTION! Not a whole hell of a lot. Besides the fact that hearing "uuuuUUUUuuuuu" breathed heavily into your ear sounds like a death groan and the actual act sounds so fake ... "oh YOU! OHHHH YOO-UUUU!!!!"

In conclusion, when I look in the mirror, I see You, and thats me. Hating on the inside, showing a happy face on the outside.







Ciao

And no one sings me lullabies and no one makes me close my eyes

Last half hour of "2001 : A Space Odyssey" synced with Echoes by Pink Floyd
Light a spliff and enjoy....

you're gonna listen to me, like it or not.....

Song Of The Moment

So I met this girl on Monday. Tuesday she called, asking "get me outta here". By Wednesday, I was asking the same thing. Thursday, she listened... I gave her no choice in the matter. And now? .. Friday? ... all is back to normal.
Its funny how some people only hear the sound of their own voices. Not what others are saying and *sometimes*, not even what THEY are really saying.

CASE IN POINT
On 9/3/05, I moved back from S'side, after finishing my Summer adventure, only to find I had nothing ... having sold off everything to *have* the adventure. Almost 2 years later, I have one of the highest paying jobs in my career yet, nice place of my own, bigger then what I had before, nice lil' truck .. and a few new friends.


Moral?
The only person you can count on being there til the end is .. yourself.
Treat that person fairly. Don't lie to them. Don't get overly hard on them. Listen to them.


"They" are all you have...






Ciao

Turn around and meet the hater

Song Of The Moment

Still in hate-mode. Its a silent one though. Pissed off at all the chances I gave/still give to people. Trying so frigging hard to believe there's some sort of reason or honesty in this pile of shit. And still, they walk all over me like some sort of door mat. Take what they can and then fuck off.

...yeeee---aahhhh, all the while I'm smiling like some sort of retard-sped, thinking "I'll come out first in the end". Pffttt. Screw that.
Oh, I'll still be smilin'.... don't turn your back on me though. That smile will turn real damn quick. Don't blame me when you lose out. You lost all your chances the same day *I* lost mine.

And with just as much reason.

Ciao

Uninspired and growing tired

Song Of The Moment

3 AM. Completely awake. And you know what? I blame you. If it weren't for you, I'd be sleeping peacefully right now. Why'd you do it? No wait, never mind, fuck it. I don't want to know. I'll never understand ... and thats just fine with me.
Everyone says I'm so "approachable" and "friendly".....always smiling and joking. But not tonight. Nope, no one can stop me from showing what I *REALLY* think tonight. It's just me... me and my broken thoughts. And I think I'd be better off if I never knew you existed. MUCH better off. Where are you right now anyways? Not here, thats for damn sure. Because you (like everyone else) are a liar. You don't even remember, do you? The memory is not as important to you as *I* used to think it was. Well, I guess that means we have something in common, doesn't it?

We both have our ignorance....

And I have every damn right to ignore those memories, because they were lies. Non-consequential. I'd much rather pay attention to the truth of the matter. That it's just me from here on out. "Bitter much?", you may ask. To which I will reply "Fuck you, ass jockey. What have YOU done to make me believe in anything different?"

You know who you are, all of you...... Fuck ya's




Ciao

The star that I can't see

Song Of The Moment

Il verde della natura prima è oro,
la sua tonalità più dura da tenere.
Lei fiore del A. del foglio in anticipo.;
Ma soltanto così un'ora.

Allora il foglio si abbassa per frondeggiare.
Così Eden si è affondato al dolore,
in modo da l'alba va giù al giorno.
Niente oro può rimanere.

Ciao

It ain't a crime to be good to yourself

Song Of The Moment

Working all the time has led me to a discovery. I have enough money but absolutely no time to have fun. I'm thinking soon I'm going to have to say "heck with it" for a night and let 'er all go. No sense in working this hard if I can't play hard too, right?

And thats the neat thing about being me! On the outside, I look like a nerd/geek/bookworm who flinches when talked to. And, to a certain degree, this is right. BUT "let 'er all go"?... and yeah, things happen. Roof bridges are built, beaches are visited late at night sans clothing, closets are hunted out for hiding potential and road trips are made.

Soon.....veeerr--rrrrry soon......

Ciao

the power to sit and pretend

Song Of The Moment

"Dear ,

Yours,
Hugh"

Ciao

Nothing I can say

Occasionally glancing up through the rain

Song Of The Moment

Where are you? Sitting in front of a computer? At home? On earth? In Love? In pain? Reality is a funny thing, see? Its all about 'perceptions', and we all have such limited 'perceptions', due to the fact that we percieve what is around us through a limited number of points, five actually, and those five points filter what we percieve. Your eyes have retinas, ears have drums, skin has nerve endings, etc etc. We don't really 'see', ... what is there is filtered through these lenses into what we can comprehend.

Filtered through the "how will this benefit me" lens.

What would it be like to actually understand that first question I asked? To know WHERE you are... without it being hindered by all these filters and lenses. If asked this question tonight, I would honestly have the first answer not typed. Because the first honest answer is "I am alone". No one wants to hear that, so it is not said. Truth or not. Ok, maybe I'm reaching with this one, but hey! THATS what I do!

Final thought. We are all looking for something, but we never find it. Because we don't *really* understand what we are searching for. Maybe its time we all took the time to fully think about what we are looking for in Life, before we lose the chance to find it....

Ciao

Human filth

Song Of The Moment

So, I'm working 2 jobs now, one Full-time and one Part-time. The part-time job, I believe, is a direct result of my getting a truck. Which actually works out to my advantage, seeing as how *having* the truck is an extra expense which needs tending. And working the 2 jobs is complex. The full-time job consists of talking to people all day, being friendly and halpful, knowledgeable and fair. While the part-time job is just ME, getting the job (labour) done. And I have learned that, after 8 hours of "Whats the weather like?" and other small talk lines, I really have ZERO conversational skills. Trying to cope with someone talking to me after that is taxing, to say the least. And its not that I don't WANT to talk to people. Its just that, when you spend all day working (where working is defined as using your voice to help people and trying not to lose your mind as you look deeply into their thought-trains and try to figure out the inner reasonings and patterns that humans have when dealing with others) with people who, 50 % want to vent and 50% do not know their arse from their head, you really have a dislike for socializing.
And on that note, I see that its almost 3 AM...and that means only 6 more hours til the whole thing starts over again.






Ciao

Jabbo da Hut Strikes BACK!

Song Of The Moment

So, I have a few mental friends at work. Now you see? ... to call them mental is an understatement and to try to fully explain how mental they are would be impossible. So? .. I am going to post here one of the random emails I have recieved from one of the head Technobos, as we have been called.
WARNING! The content printed below may sicken, offend and make you truly re-think your eating habits. Continue at your own risk!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you remember how we would often hit KFC on St. Peters road for lunch, not because we liked the food there but because of all the freaks that congregate there in search of greasy undercooked MSG over seasoned chicken? I don't think I have been back there since the last
time you and I went. ...until last night.

Last night when driving home I was fucking starving and not looking forward to chili again for the 14th time this week so I stopped in. This is what I saw:

As I got out of my car and walked to the door, I randomly looked into the drivers side window of an old rusted out tempo and made note of the fact the lower seat part of the driver's seat was completely destroyed, so much so that all the padding was worn away from the top and the springs and metal frame of the seat where showing.

As I walked into the vestibule where the inner door interfaces with the outer doors there was a bit of a smell. It was different then the chicken grease type smell you would expect from a greasy chicken place it was more "spicy". The smell itself had a bit of an aftertaste to it. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, but it was unpleasant. Upon entering the waiting area in front of the counter, the smell intensified by at least 816% and became very, very unpleasant. There
was this woman standing infront of the counter trying to decide what she wanted to eat, the smell was coming her....

I need to paint a picture of this woman as I feel its relevant for you to relate to the situation I was in. She was about 5.5 feet tall and of "large" build especially in the ass area. Her ass was the widest part of her and lasted until the middle of her back and stuck out about 10" on each side of her body. Her black sweat pants where pulled all the way up so the waste band was sitting a little higher then mid back so it was over the top of her ass. She had a long sleeve shirt which was tucked into her pants. I then made the connection, the white trash sedan outside was hers and she had committed war crimes against its drivers seat with her freakishly large ass.

The worker at the counter, I could tell he smelt her also. He was waiting with an odd look on his face for her to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat. she stood there shifting her weight between one leg then the other for a good 5 mins with her pointer finger of
her left hand to her lips as she was thinking. I could tell she was shifting her weight between her legs because whatever leg she had her girth on, that butt cheek was tensed up and less flabby and stuck an additional 1.5 inches higher then the non weighted leg.

I realized she was going to take a while because she was obviously a little slow and I wanted to distance myself a little from the smell so I backed off and stood over by the condiment area while she made up her mind and ordered.

I decided to check out the other "people" eating there. There was a table full of them, a family group which consisted of a mum, dad, sister, brother and baby. They where all feasting from a bucket (eating from a bucket is so fucking sal) except for the brother. He looked to be about 7 or 8, 9 max. I watched them and studied them all. Other the the fact they where having a family dinner out of a bucket and the brother wasn't eating anything they looked like a relatively normal family. They all seemed to be in good humor except for the brother who was more or less just watching them eat. I assumed this family belonged to the other vehicle parked outside. A late 1990s ford minivan which looked fairly respectable but on closer inspection the front end was malformed. It had been in some sort of altercation and looks like the put a new grill in it but just bashed the sheet metal back into place with a rubber mallet without doing any real bodywork. Needless to say I now categorized the van as "defective" and decided to have a closer look at the family it belonged to, there has to be more to this. The brother who wasn't eating then said something quietly to the mother and she said "oh ok, don't worry" or something like this. She put down her bucket food and got a can out of her
handbag. The father said something inaudible and then went back to stuffing his face. The can the woman took out of her hand bag was about the size of a can of coke and had a blue and white label. She sat the can on the table. She then pulled the kid's shirt up and low and behold there was a fucking tube coming out of his abdomen... The mother took a cap off the tube and attached it to a fitting on the can then turned the can upside down. The tube wasn't clear so I couldn't see what color whatever goo came out of it was or how quickly it came out etc. I wish I could give these details because those are the things I was wondering about in my head. I seriously considered pulling up a chair to the family's table and start interviewing them each about this tube. Where does it go? Why does your kid have it? Did you shake him when he was a baby or something? Do you people realize your eating a family dinner out of a bucket? What is your income level? Has you kid ever pulled the tube out? Why didn't you fix your van properly? Do you eat out of buckets often? Are you aware both your son and the rest of you people are all eating out of cylinders of some type? Did you know your son has a fucking tube sticking out of him?

I had to stop staring at this because I was afraid I would start to look like a pedophile or something checking out their kid so I forced myself to look away and check on the large assed mammoth at the counter. She was just now ordering, a massive amount of food. She stood aside and I had to walk and stand within the scent cloud and order my food.

When I was waiting for my food I had to stand across the ordering area from the ass monster. I checked out the front of her. She had a gunt and a bit of a cameltoe from the pulled to pants. She had a fat face with fur on her upper lip and glasses. She looked friendly and smiled at me. I smiled back and she said in a non retarded or delayed type voice "Looks like winter is coming, I sure hope my oil costs don't go up this year like they did last". I was expecting delayed and/or retarded sounding dribble to come out of her mouth but she sounded semi intelligent and well spoken. I smiled back and also commented on the price of oil last year. Her stench at this point was almost putting me off my food. I was standing a good 10 feet from her. We stood facing each other awkwardly for about 5 mins while the KFC robots made her massive order and mine at the same time. We both got our food at the same time and just as I turned to walk out, she barged infront of me and headed for her car. I caught her stink wave at full
bore and I made a face it was so awful. I noticed as she walked she had a bit of an amble. Like a well practiced limp.

Just as I was walking out I noticed the cylinder feeding white trash family with the minivan was getting ready to leave. The Tube boy was standing up trying to be funny and get attention by doing a little dance. In one hand he was holding his can with the tube still attached. He was dancing with the can in his hand attached to the tube the same way someone would dance with an mp3 player in their hand with headphones attached to their ears.

I left got in my car and stayed there without going anywhere because I wanted to watch the bucket feasting family with tube boy get into their van. They all came out of KFC, the tube boy still dancing with his can and the others ignoring him. Before they piled into the van there was a bit of confusion because apparently some of it's doors don't open. Its sliding doors where apparently non operational and also had light body damage to them. the mum and dad got in the front doors and one of them popped the trunk lid and all the kids climbed in the back, over the last row of seats and got seated. The tube boy was last to get in the back and closed the trunk lid from the inside. He did it very well as if that is his assigned job when ever they need to all get into the van. The dad backed out of their spot and drove off.

What had just happened....? KFC was now completely empty of customers. I drove half way home in a daze and realized I could still taste/smell that large assed woman. I was trying to decide what the smell was. I realized what it was once I got home. It smelt like dirty, sweaty
underwear magnified about 964% combined with the smell that comes off bacon when cooked mixed with the smell of canned peas.

So thats the latest KFC experience. You should eat there in the next few days. See if you have any sightings. Report them to me if you do. haha.

The world you get's the one you give away, It all just happens again way down the line

Song Of The Moment

Well, if you overlook the fancy "4WD" logo on the side, the cage over the back window and the flood lights on the front, this is a pretty good representation of my....new....TRUCK! Same color and year... other then that though, same!
Am I pleased? Damn skippy. Its been too long since I owned my own vehicle, and I've said that if I get one, it's either going to be a truck or a Jeep. But, who am I kidding? I only wanted a Jeep so I could get the winch on the front for "winching stuff". I CAN GET THAT FOR THE TRUCK TOO...if I wanted....heh.
In other news, I have determined that my crappy internet connection is due to a fault on the computers side. Exactly *what* that fault is, I do not know. What I *do* know is that it slowly degraded over time.... and only really showed itself 'after' I had my "right-click virus", George. Nasty little beasty that it was. Right-click on any file or folder in Windows Explorer would result in 13-14 error messages, indicating that a "File did not exist". After several formats and re-installs of Windows, checking the internet connection with my ISP, replacing the Nic card not once but 3 times and checking the connection with a completely different computer, it has been deduced that it is the computer itself. The only thing *I* can see that would cause this issue on the computer is the motherboard or the Bios. Sooo-ooooo, I am currently looking into upgrading the Bios. If it works, hoo-RAY! If it doesn't, well, it'll break the damn thing real GOOD!





Ciao

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

Song Of The Moment

Well, lets start this "thing" I have here again....weather permitting, naturally....

"Almost 2 months and nothing new here? Didja get your 3 typing fingers amputated from the frostbite, or fall head over arse in love with a waitress .... again?"

Nope, nein, none of the above, sir. My only excuse for not 'typing' in here has been due to watching Time. Not the magazine or the clock. Just watching time pass by,... like an unneeded euphemism in the middle of a novel, sideswiping the story and belittling the author. Just took some time to try to understand this new chapter that's started. So, now that I've examined the new chapter, lets re-cap highlights from the past 2 WINTER months.

1. Birthday - Went out and played some pool with an old friend.
2. Christmas - Realized that *next" year, I need to invest in a Christmas tree.
3. New Years - Started planning my tax return

Yup, suddenly, its all becoming so clear. All I need to do is buy some ripped jeans, grow my hair long and use the words 'gnarly' and 'radical' in every sentence and INDUCE THIS MID-LIFE CRISIS!!! JESUS!!! ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT THE WEATHER IS SO CRAPPY??!!!

On a side note, my new computer has, apparently, quarantined itself from the outside world. I can download mp3's, movies and pictures (slowly but they come through ok), but to upload something is a privilege that has been revoked. As such, no more "Song of the Moment". My hobby project of DFDotCom has gone into hibernation (much like what bears do in the WINTER) ... until I get a new computer that doesn't have outgoing port congestion.

Th-th-th-thats all for now, pooples.
Ciao

and never moving forward so there'd never be a Past

Song Of The Moment

March 2005

I told her I would write about her and I did.

I erased those words when we argued...never to be returned.

The words I wrote are still there though...in my heart. About how she came into my Life like she had never left. About how being with her meant never having to go home because I already was home. About how I bet her eyes sparkled in the dark, and they do, they sparkle with the love we share. About how we could talk for hours about nothing and love it. The sound of her voice so soothing to me, helping wash away the troubles of the day and reminding me of the sun.

I do not remember what day we met but that doesn't matter to me....no ending///no beginning

Love you Charlie


August 2005

It was beautiful....but nothing in Life lasts forever. It changes....makes you learn about yourself....

We loved each other but something inside me wasn't ready to keep it going. And now?....now I have to learn from it and try not to let the memories and the thought that I could have done something to keep it alive kill me inside. She is where she needs to be though...and that brings peace to my soul....she needs to protect hers and, even though that means keeping me away, I understand it. It hurts thinking about her little one. It seems that everything I do or hear or see reminds me of something from "back then".... when a child calls my name, hearing songs from shows, even little things like car seats and toys bring me back, just for that instant. I wish I could have remembered the difference between "my Life" and "our life" and just listened to her and talked with her..................but I didn't. And now, I have to heed the advice of one of my friends and "learn something from this for when God *really* answers your prayers and sends the one you asked for...the one that loves you and that you can love".

It *was* beautiful...and still is.....in my fondest memories.

No ending////no beginning


December 2006

Its been a year and a half since I broke up with my last girlfriend. Its said that we are a product of our Past and a hostage for our Future. What *matters*, however, is how we play out the Present. When I wrote those posts, I did not and could not forsee who I would be in 6 months or a year, just like I do not know what kind of person will be writing words here in a years time.
I do know who is writing the words right now.
Todays person is not completely happy, none of us are in that blissfully unaware state. But I am content in knowing that my Life has been interesting and will continue to be so, as long as I do what I can, where I am, with what I have. Not denying forward motion, just accepting the path already taken.
No ending////no beginning







Ciao

Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn

Song of The Moment


On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me :

• A Partridge in a Pear Tree: $104.99 ($15.00 Partridge, $89.99 Pear Tree)
• Two Turtle Doves: $40.00 ($20.00 each)
• Three French Hens: $45.00 ($15.00 each)
• Four Calling Birds: $399.96 ($99.99 each)
• Five Golden Rings: $325.00 ($65.00 each)
• Six Geese-a-Laying: $300.00 ($50.00 each)
• Seven Swans-a-Swimming: $4,200.00 ($600.00 each)
• Eight Maids-a-Milking: $41.20 ($5.15 each)
• Nine Ladies Dancing: $4,576.14 ($508.46 each)
• Ten Lords-a-Leaping: $4,039.08 ($403.91 each)
• Eleven Pipers Piping: $2,053.20 ($186.66 each)
• Twelve Drummers Drumming: $2,224.30 ($185.36 each)

Total Christmas Price Index: $18,348.87
"Core" index, excluding swans: $14,148.87
True cost of Christmas in song: $72,608.02 (including 364 total gifts)







Ciao