From now on our troubles will be miles away

"Love is what's in the room at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 7

Almost year end. Let's review!



Downs

• My little GoTruck has died.
• Old girlfriend has shown me the line.
• I'm working roughly 12 hours a day.
• And for the 6th year in a row, I'll be alone Christmas morning.

Ups

• I'm still alive.

There, that's out of my system, ... well, a bit of it. Relatively speaking, I'm not doing too badly. Not that anyone cares or that it matters to anyone else but me. When you think on a "relative scale", everything boils down to "1"'s and "0"'s. Pass or Fail.

Even though it is not statistically sound that clinical depression cases rise around the Holiday season, it happens. Most are easy to spot. Listless, isolated, focused on what is driving them insane. Most are... others, like me, after years of living with it, have adapted, shifted and created a new lifeline, one filled with the sour, empty feelings. Left alone long enough, anything's possible....

What do I want for Christmas? Something material? That's an easy one. I want what only one person has ever given me. I want someone, "anyone" to give me physical proof (not more words, sayings, quotes, theories, etc) that someone cares. Substantial, tangible proof that I am doing all this FOR something.



...or a new truck.






Ciao

True

Waiting. Waiting for what though? The road is still fog-covered and the windshield hasn't been cleaned for years... you can get used to seeing things out of focus over time apparently. Lacking. Missing something important. Only really me when I sleep, but the dreams tell me otherwise.

Yesterdays tears cannot be cried again, they don't exist anymore. Mourning my memories and predicting the future. Destiny making me react against my wishes.

Silence. That is all there is. Wanting and hoping and believing and a million other useless words that mean nothing. What there is is not named. Cannot be named. Those that have seen it, lived it and known it cannot speak. Their minds are elsewhere. In the past.

I hope you are well, my friend. I hope you woke up today with random, frivolous thoughts in your mind, spoke words that didn't have to mean something. I hope you don't wander past the wall. Things there are best left in the dark. Unnoticed and unknown, by all but me.






Ciao

No one's really sure who's lettin' go today

I thought it would hurt. Hearing about you that way. But it didn't. Was I distracted by something and it just didn't sink in? Or maybe it did, but the me "Now" just doesn't care. I hope it isn't the latter. I wish it wasn't the former.


Not that it matters. Because it should, but it doesn't.


I'm just glad it does hurt, somewhat. I haven't died inside if the pain still stings. I'm just numb. In shock maybe. "Reality cheque please!"
I heard a woman's tears of happiness today, because I did what no one else did, or could. I listened to and heard her. Her name was Eleanor. Contrary to popular belief, there IS a major difference between the two, and how each person interprets that is different. If I was dead, inside-out, I would have become one of the overwhelming masses that only hear the words, not the meanings ... only say the words, not the meanings. I'm glad it stings, it means I am still alive.

.....being alone..... being alone only hurts the person involved, no one else. And there are many, many Eleanor's' in the world, waiting for someone to listen, waiting for someone to hear them. The hurt isn't all that being alone consists of though. Being truly alone is being yourself. The only person that can hurt you, is you. The only person that can help you, is yourself. By listening, and hearing. Understanding.

To Hell with the hard ass. That's a mask. A shield made from broken dreams and sour memories. If you somehow look past that wall, the emptiness is never ending. I have my walls, my masks, my shields ... but they are made of the memories of "getting over" the emptiness. The only thing behind my mask is me.

This only leaves me with one question.

Why can't people listen with more then just their ears?






Ciao

There used to be a time when you were everything

Some people you just have to let go. I am saying this, however, with the knowledge that a monkey has of the Sun. He knows it's there, but doesn't fully know what it is. You would think if I knew nothing about it, it would be easy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong...
Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve? Why can't I just accept? Is there something wrong with me? .... No, I don't think I'm any different from anyone else. Apparently I feel the sting more then others, or maybe I just let the sting in more. Or maybe people these days don't appreciate being mentally unbalanced and emotionally normal. Thankfully, I have my own will, and I have this facet. Writing.
So, I've been a 3rd wheel, a bur in the side, and the person you never knew. Of those three, the 3rd will be the one you will have to get to understand, my unforgotten memory. Because you don't, you won't and you obviously never will get it. You don't understand how hard it is to never give up on anything, all your Life, and then realize one day, after beating your head against that same wall again, that the things you are committed to are slowly killing you.
Now, what to do? Do I turn the page, tear it out and burn it, do I leave it on the ground and hope I never see it again, or do I recycle it? Maybe this is the page, maybe I've already turned it over again, and now I sit here, writing all over it "THATS IT! I'M DONE! NO MORE!!"

Now, I will leave it here, and when I see it again, I'll remember.





Ciao

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

A smile from a veil

We're not the same person we were yesterday. We won't be the same person tomorrow that we woke up as today either. But the fleeting moments we share, lived in our memories as we go about our daily existence, give us a chance to travel back in Time, to a place where the air was different, the light brighter.
I wonder, Dear friend, if you remember the same way I do. If, just the thoughts of those days, bring those things days for you. Bring them back so richly that you can taste the air and cover your eyes from the light.
I won't say I miss you all, I do. But, to speak honestly, what I miss has a name I cannot fully comprehend. It is almost like I miss the experience, but bigger then that.

I miss the world.

You are all still out there, though, products of your yesterdays, seeds of the Future. And you are all here too, in memory. The glass memory I hold of those times, those places. Those things that make us and have made us.

To Mark - I'm still alive, I hope you are well too
To Andrea - Be happy please
To Kevin - Thank you for being my friend
To Melanie - I want to miss you
To Chris - I'm sorry
To Charlotte - You were right

To everyone else? I miss you all...






Ciao

I'm the loudest one laughing at the saddest wake

I guess most people don't understand me, those that would take a moment to try. I'm constantly trying to piece myself together as well.

One thing I know, I *need* humor.

Ok, let me explain something. A long time ago, a very close friend explained to me something very important. "We all want money, free time, gadgets and doo-dads. But we don't need them to live. If we go without air, we die. If we go without human contact, we don't die, physically, we die mentally. Do you understand?"

So, I don't just "want" humor, I need it. Without it, things get Black and Grey. People lose their tactile relativity and things get out-of-focus. I haven't tried going for longer then a few weeks without it. I usually end those periods of time, laughing like a freaking maniac at something very, very bland. laughing like I was going to have a heart-attack. These laughing bouts usually end with tears.

It's almost like going underwater and getting your foot stuck under a rock. You fight and pull at your foot, all the while thinking "O frig, o frig, I'm screwed". Your vision gets bleary as you try not to breathe in the water that will replace the air you need and inevitably kill you. Finally, after freeing yourself, you frantically swim back to the surface and, as soon as you break, your body screams in air, violently. Trying to get in as much as you need, 'til your eyes water.

So, if I seem off-kilter with the things I say and do, it's just my way of breathing, my way of keeping alive.





Ciao

It's been so long since I've been home

"Hello 2 A.M.. What thoughts do you have for me tonight?"

"Well, lets get started with work, why don't we?"

"Ok, what about it?"

"Isn't it funny that you try *so hard* to put all of yourself into your job but you can *never* really talk about what you do? Isn't it sadly ironic that, even though you're pretty proud about how you **** **** ****** ***** ** **** or how you **** *** ******* ***'* ***, you are not allowed to discuss it openly with others?"

"Ok 2 A.M., we're off to another bad start tonight, I see. Let's switch topics, ok?"

"Sure buddy, anything for an old friend. How's your social life? Met anyone new & exciting?"

"sigh"

"Oh, that's right! You're still going with your whole 'hermitization theory', aintcha? How's that going, anyways? Learning anything new about yourself? Opening up any doors?"

"You know something, 2 A.M.? Sometimes I think you only come around to make the new day worse before it even begins."

"Oh c'mon, man. You know you need me. You know that without me, you would never realize how quickly things have gotten out of control. Or how you really want to do things out of the ordinary but don't. Damn man! Without me?... you might actually get some decent sleep at night!"

"Ok, listen. We can talk but you're gonna have to pick something that is appropriate, ok?"

"........ how's your little one?"

"Yup, knew it. You are getting too predictable, 2 A.M.. You can stick around for a while, if you want, but I'm hitting the hay. Turn out the lights and lock the doors when you leave, ok?"

"Ok pal, I always do, don't I?"







"Ciao"

The most loneliest day of my life

Woke up this morning, with just enough time to start burning a new kids movie for the young one, before running out the door for work. The girl at the corner store sold me my pack of smokes, like usual, filling up 5 minutes with inane chatter, consisting of mostly nothing.
Work drags on for the most part of the day, sitting at my little desk, with my little chair and my little computer, staring at the screen and trying hard not to lose touch. People talk to me and I respond, filling their moments with mostly inane chatter, meaning nothing.
Going home now, watching the cars drive past, wondering if the people in those cars are feeling as lost as myself. I make a wrong turn and wind up back there again. Why can't I remember where I live? Idiot.
Finally home. Cats hungry, messages from people I don't know on the phone, computer tells me another DVD's done. I should eat, I suppose, but I don't. I usually don't, why break tradition?

And now, here I sit, elbow to knee, just like last night, wondering if you're out there.






Ciao

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd

We all try, we all fail ... not all of us notice. Its true that we learn from our mistakes and experience makes us wiser but I think I'm better off for the time being not noticing the failures.


Something is telling me to just sit back and chill out

I remember back before it all changed. Living was all about laughing and never looking back. Through a Gaussian filter I see it all now though, and Time has a way of playing with the facts. Its best if I don't try to change what is behind me back there, and just keep it saved in my memories, my own way.

So now, here I stand. Just woken up from a sleep that seemed to never have a beginning. Yesterday is just a blurred image, becoming more and more obscure as the layers of dust settle on it. But yesterday, I woke up much the same way as today. If this is acceptance of morality, why won't I remember it tomorrow?

Because Life is ever-changing. And I am standing on 12:00 AM.








Ciao

The check's in the mail

Simple communication. It can be SUCH a useful thing, can't it?
Ok, lets backtrack here. I work 2 jobs, 1 full-time, 1 part-time.
With me so far?
Good.
Ok, so, Full-time job pays me on time. They always do, direct deposit & such. I spend what I have to and am short about 150 bucks for rent.
YIKES!
But thats okay! ... why? Because I have a part-time job, thats why. And with the hours I spend working with them, after the full-time job, I have just enough to make up the difference for rent and get groceries.

"Yeah, Mister landlord, sir. Here's 3/4 of the rent. Can you drop by tomorrow at about 6. I'll have the rest for ya tomorrow"
"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss. Give me a call when the check's are done tomorrow, ok? About 5:30? The checks'll be done around then, right? .. cool."

Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:00 Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:30 Tick Tick Tick 6:00

*Ring Ring*

"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss, check's done yet? What? Not 'til tomorrow? Wh-what? The Boss said he would call me about it? ... yeah, I got to pay rent ... at...at 6. No, nope he didn't call me... wow, I don't think he SHOULD call me... um, what am I..... WOW, I have no cigarettes, no gas..... He's out playing POOL? Yeah, I have to stop talking about this, I'm getting mad and I want to yell, ok?"

*click*


Simple communication.
Useful but little known tool in the eyes (and ears) of the absent-minded.






Ciao

he tries to please them all, this bitter man he is

As normal as it all gets, its still kind of permeated with thoughts. If I had amnesia, I'd probably be content, but unfortunately I have memories. Some good, some bad, most in the in-between area of "just there". Keep thinking that it will be like the stories say "...and on his death bed, the blind man said 'I see...' and then passed away."
The least I can do is to stop trying to correct old passages of time and do what I can now. I'll make mistakes, ... everyone does. But I'm living right now.

In all that I've done wrong, I know I must have done something right...

Well, little girl, summer vacation is almost over. Tomorrow morning, I have to give you back to Mom. I know the place is going to be so much more quiet when I get home. Maybe I'll just drive around for a while, at least until that feeling leaves.

We had fun though, playing hide and seek, imaginary adventure games, watching movies, laughing and giggling at silly things. Now, after just tucking you in and kissing your forehead goodnight, those things are just memories. Picking up your toys from the living room, unplugging the bathtub and putting your clothes into the hamper ... I'd say I wish we had more time, but I know there is never enough time.

Everyone has problems, little one, and it takes a big person to accept those problems and sort them out. I wish I could accept the fact that you don't live with me. I dearly wish I could stop the pain I feel inside when you have to go away ... the pain that is that voice in the back of my head saying "You are missing something in your life right now."

I love you, little girl.

Carved In Stone

Song Of The Moment

I don't think I have given up on "looking for someone". Fact of the matter is, I am not looking for anyone. I want to meet someone, someone that will bring the light back. But, I have seen alot and I don't think I can watch any of that again. I already know how the storyline ends, most of the time.
One of the best books I have ever read (the five people you meet in heaven) explained it the best. I've had some good times. I've made differences in some peoples lives; some good, some not so good. And now, that that is all said and done, I'll sit and wait for ... well, ... for whatever comes in the end.
After all, whether you believe in Heaven or Hell, the afterlife, cremation or the Great Nothing, we all will meet again someday. So what if my life is secluded. At least it's not filled with the stress and trauma of dual-emotions battling it out. Don't you think its better to be lonely and hope-filled then to turn around to a warground-past and try to live with it?








Ciao

Can you say brainwashing?

Song Of The Moment

Taken from The Men’s Rights Manual for Divorce

"The elemental bond that links fathers with their children is the subject of ancient poetry, biblical legend, and even diplomatic stand-offs. Remember Homer's epic saga of Odysseus and Telemachus? The New Testament tale of the prodigal son? And of course the Elian Gonzalez case.

Xavier Quinta was born on June 24, 1998 to Bennett Vonderheide and Wendy Flanders of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. But the relationship went sour and the couple separated.

In February 2003 the judge awarded custody of Xavier to his mother, ordering that he spend two days a week with his father. But Flanders soon decided to ignore the judge's order, at first restricting visits to only two hours a day, and then thwarting all contact for months at a time.

But that wasn't enough, so Flanders schemed to alienate Xavier from his father.

According to the contempt motion, Flanders first withheld information from Ben, refusing to advise him about school programs, teacher conferences, or even the name of the kindergarten where Xavier would be attending.

She then fabricated multiple allegations of abuse, a claim of fear being the only proof she needed. Then she used these unproven accusations to show Xavier that his father was a perp. On the advice of counselors, the father once made several telephone calls to the child. The mother then claimed those calls amounted to harassment. The district attorney later dismissed the ridiculous charge.

Next she resorted to outright manipulation. One day Flanders informed the father he wouldn't be allowed to see his son for Christmas Eve. Then she had the child dress up in anticipation of the father's visit. When the father didn't arrive, she used that as proof the father was a deadbeat.

And finally, Flanders violated a key requirement of the custody order that neither make "derogatory comments about the other parent." Instead, she waged a campaign of calumnies, repeatedly calling Ben a liar and abuser.

Once Xavier introduced his father to his classmates as, "This is my Daddy -- he is filled with hatred and anger" -- a phrase that a five-year-old boy is unlikely to come up with on his own.

But as Xavier grew older, he began to realize that he was caught in the middle of a high stakes tug-of-war. He said he didn't want his mother to control him, and much to her dismay wanted to spend more time with dad.

That gave Vonderheide his opening. He decided to stop the mother from turning the child's transfer into a screaming confrontation. At the next visit, the father sat calmly on a bench, and cast his best "I'm not sure what game you're playing but I'm not interested" look. Problem solved.

Once accused of being "the worst dad in the world," Vonderheide pointed out to his son that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had killed thousands of persons. "So I'm at least the third worst dad in the world," dad humorously concluded.

Last month Wendy Flanders was found guilty on three counts of making false statements to law enforcement officials, fined, and placed on probation. And Ben Vonderheide's record was expunged on many of the counts against him. The battle cost him $350,000 in legal expenses.

This Sunday, 8-year-old Xavier will be spending Father's Day with his dad. They plan to play laser tag, go for a hike, and maybe take in a movie.

Father and son, reunited."


There's ugliness in this world. Ugliness that sometimes people cannot see. And even if they did, they wouldn't be able to comprehend it because it is not theirs. The above story hit home for me, due to having lived it. And I guess I am posting it here as a reminder to me of all that has come and past.

Ciao

I jumped into the river too many times to make it home

Song Of The Moment

So I was invited to go out last weekend. I bailed last moment. On the drive home, I understood why. I wanted to go out, it really sounded like a good time! But for too long now, my Life has rotated around one, simple schedule:

Work all week
Visit with my daughter on weekend

I fought for this schedule. Went a full year without seeing her, unfairly. Took people to court for it, w/o lawyer, and won. Reasoning being? ... my little girl is the most important thing in my world. Now? .. the terminology of "Having a Life" is kind of different for me. My weekends are spent seeing her, so she understands that I am her Dad. So she knows this was *not* my idea.

I don't do much of anything else on the weekends, understandably enough. I hermitized myself, in order to keep room for her. On occassion, I try to do things on my own for fun. But I always end up thinking "Is this *really* what you want to do and where you want to be?" And now, its natural to turn down offers to "go out". People say, in defense, "Why don't you just get a baysitter?" If YOU had to struggle for a year to be permitted to do something you had full rights to, would you let it slip *that* easily?

Trying to work that around a job is interesting as well. I have already let 2 jobs drop because they interfered with this VERY BASIC schedule. And do not have any qualms about letting other things drop for it in the future, if it gets in the way. I think this is completely understandable. Why can't other people understand that I can only set aside Febtober the 35th as a weekend without my little girl?

What gets me though is, when she comes over to visit, I don't really want to be annoyed by people asking me to "go over and visit", and by all means, to give them a hand. Having a truck is great! .. but if it's my one day out of 7 to see my young one, I do not want to spend it helping someone move, while she tries desperately to keep herself amused. I want her & I to do things together, like a Father & a Daughter should. Is that too much to ask?







Ciao

Should I talk slower like you're a retard?

Song Of The Moment

What do I got inside me today? Hmmmmmm...... Examining my mental-workings, as fun as it always has been, is starting to lose its appeal, along with alot of other things; the internet, music, achieving goals, etc. I think I've hit the big 404 page in my head.

Working 2 jobs, playing video games, surfing the net, enjoying the freedom of having a truck. There, thats the basics of day-to-day existence. Every weekend, my little girl comes over and I pretend everything's normal, for her sake. She goes back home to Mom and the silence sets in... quiet enough for me to hear those voices. I think they're in my head, but sometimes they sound like they're coming from behind me, or that maybe it's me talking.

"Live for right now... ... Are those Dads' boots by the door? ... ... I don't think I love you anymore... ... I missed you that whole year, Daddy."

Got home last night from visiting, laid down on the couch because the living room decided to start spinning counter-clockwise randomly and, as I stared at the entertainment system, I realized how distant and disconnected my Life is from what I 'percieve' it to be. I live alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. It's just me. Others don't really exist .. they CAN'T really exist in order for me to keep on keeping on, pretending this is how I want my path to unfold. If they did? ... it would be like taking the stopper out of a full bathtub. My lies and make-believes would swirl away from me and I would have to start all over, from the beginning.

So, please, don't take offense if I see through you. I can't really help it now, this far into the game.






Ciao

It's okay to be angry and never let go

Song Of The Moment

So broken.
Head full of voices
& sentimentality.

Lived this way so long,
can't release them or please them.
Wish for amnesia.

Put on a smile and lie to the world.
Make-believe stories and twisted truths'
mask me

Only those that can read my words when I talk
and hear what I say when I write
could even start to understand.

So I'm alone ...
So are we all.

Ciao

eye was looking into the mirror

Song Of The Moment

People don't realize how little things can affect peoples' lives. Take your name, for instance. My Mother, God bless her soul, wanted to name me Noel, since I was born so close to Christmas. Dad, however, being the strict Catholic he was, thought of (forceably-enforced) the name Hugh, thinking it would be more appropriate, naming me after P.E.I.'s first Catholic priests' gardener, Hugh-Ban (wtf???).

Having a name like Hugh means you are paranoid from the day you learn English. I hear my name everywhere. "Who did it? HUGH did it" Adding an 'ie' to it doesn't lessen this either. Then, instead of being ONE letter, you're TWO! Not everyone gets a 99% on their English test because they mispelt their own name "U-E"

Having a 'unique' name also means your Life skews from the norm. Don't believe this? Explain Pseudonyms .... So, to say I'm pompous is a fallacy. My Life demands differences, insists on being apart and seperate from the "Norm" (Quick Fact : Hillary Norman "Norm" Peterson was a character on the tv show Cheers, portrayed by George Wendt. Norm's real first name was revealed to be Hillary, named after his grandfather.)

So, what does this have to do with me getting laid? GOOD QUESTION! Not a whole hell of a lot. Besides the fact that hearing "uuuuUUUUuuuuu" breathed heavily into your ear sounds like a death groan and the actual act sounds so fake ... "oh YOU! OHHHH YOO-UUUU!!!!"

In conclusion, when I look in the mirror, I see You, and thats me. Hating on the inside, showing a happy face on the outside.







Ciao

And no one sings me lullabies and no one makes me close my eyes

Last half hour of "2001 : A Space Odyssey" synced with Echoes by Pink Floyd
Light a spliff and enjoy....

you're gonna listen to me, like it or not.....

Song Of The Moment

So I met this girl on Monday. Tuesday she called, asking "get me outta here". By Wednesday, I was asking the same thing. Thursday, she listened... I gave her no choice in the matter. And now? .. Friday? ... all is back to normal.
Its funny how some people only hear the sound of their own voices. Not what others are saying and *sometimes*, not even what THEY are really saying.

CASE IN POINT
On 9/3/05, I moved back from S'side, after finishing my Summer adventure, only to find I had nothing ... having sold off everything to *have* the adventure. Almost 2 years later, I have one of the highest paying jobs in my career yet, nice place of my own, bigger then what I had before, nice lil' truck .. and a few new friends.


Moral?
The only person you can count on being there til the end is .. yourself.
Treat that person fairly. Don't lie to them. Don't get overly hard on them. Listen to them.


"They" are all you have...






Ciao

Turn around and meet the hater

Song Of The Moment

Still in hate-mode. Its a silent one though. Pissed off at all the chances I gave/still give to people. Trying so frigging hard to believe there's some sort of reason or honesty in this pile of shit. And still, they walk all over me like some sort of door mat. Take what they can and then fuck off.

...yeeee---aahhhh, all the while I'm smiling like some sort of retard-sped, thinking "I'll come out first in the end". Pffttt. Screw that.
Oh, I'll still be smilin'.... don't turn your back on me though. That smile will turn real damn quick. Don't blame me when you lose out. You lost all your chances the same day *I* lost mine.

And with just as much reason.

Ciao

Uninspired and growing tired

Song Of The Moment

3 AM. Completely awake. And you know what? I blame you. If it weren't for you, I'd be sleeping peacefully right now. Why'd you do it? No wait, never mind, fuck it. I don't want to know. I'll never understand ... and thats just fine with me.
Everyone says I'm so "approachable" and "friendly".....always smiling and joking. But not tonight. Nope, no one can stop me from showing what I *REALLY* think tonight. It's just me... me and my broken thoughts. And I think I'd be better off if I never knew you existed. MUCH better off. Where are you right now anyways? Not here, thats for damn sure. Because you (like everyone else) are a liar. You don't even remember, do you? The memory is not as important to you as *I* used to think it was. Well, I guess that means we have something in common, doesn't it?

We both have our ignorance....

And I have every damn right to ignore those memories, because they were lies. Non-consequential. I'd much rather pay attention to the truth of the matter. That it's just me from here on out. "Bitter much?", you may ask. To which I will reply "Fuck you, ass jockey. What have YOU done to make me believe in anything different?"

You know who you are, all of you...... Fuck ya's




Ciao

The star that I can't see

Song Of The Moment

Il verde della natura prima è oro,
la sua tonalità più dura da tenere.
Lei fiore del A. del foglio in anticipo.;
Ma soltanto così un'ora.

Allora il foglio si abbassa per frondeggiare.
Così Eden si è affondato al dolore,
in modo da l'alba va giù al giorno.
Niente oro può rimanere.

Ciao

It ain't a crime to be good to yourself

Song Of The Moment

Working all the time has led me to a discovery. I have enough money but absolutely no time to have fun. I'm thinking soon I'm going to have to say "heck with it" for a night and let 'er all go. No sense in working this hard if I can't play hard too, right?

And thats the neat thing about being me! On the outside, I look like a nerd/geek/bookworm who flinches when talked to. And, to a certain degree, this is right. BUT "let 'er all go"?... and yeah, things happen. Roof bridges are built, beaches are visited late at night sans clothing, closets are hunted out for hiding potential and road trips are made.

Soon.....veeerr--rrrrry soon......

Ciao

the power to sit and pretend

Song Of The Moment

"Dear ,

Yours,
Hugh"

Ciao

Nothing I can say

Occasionally glancing up through the rain

Song Of The Moment

Where are you? Sitting in front of a computer? At home? On earth? In Love? In pain? Reality is a funny thing, see? Its all about 'perceptions', and we all have such limited 'perceptions', due to the fact that we percieve what is around us through a limited number of points, five actually, and those five points filter what we percieve. Your eyes have retinas, ears have drums, skin has nerve endings, etc etc. We don't really 'see', ... what is there is filtered through these lenses into what we can comprehend.

Filtered through the "how will this benefit me" lens.

What would it be like to actually understand that first question I asked? To know WHERE you are... without it being hindered by all these filters and lenses. If asked this question tonight, I would honestly have the first answer not typed. Because the first honest answer is "I am alone". No one wants to hear that, so it is not said. Truth or not. Ok, maybe I'm reaching with this one, but hey! THATS what I do!

Final thought. We are all looking for something, but we never find it. Because we don't *really* understand what we are searching for. Maybe its time we all took the time to fully think about what we are looking for in Life, before we lose the chance to find it....

Ciao

Human filth

Song Of The Moment

So, I'm working 2 jobs now, one Full-time and one Part-time. The part-time job, I believe, is a direct result of my getting a truck. Which actually works out to my advantage, seeing as how *having* the truck is an extra expense which needs tending. And working the 2 jobs is complex. The full-time job consists of talking to people all day, being friendly and halpful, knowledgeable and fair. While the part-time job is just ME, getting the job (labour) done. And I have learned that, after 8 hours of "Whats the weather like?" and other small talk lines, I really have ZERO conversational skills. Trying to cope with someone talking to me after that is taxing, to say the least. And its not that I don't WANT to talk to people. Its just that, when you spend all day working (where working is defined as using your voice to help people and trying not to lose your mind as you look deeply into their thought-trains and try to figure out the inner reasonings and patterns that humans have when dealing with others) with people who, 50 % want to vent and 50% do not know their arse from their head, you really have a dislike for socializing.
And on that note, I see that its almost 3 AM...and that means only 6 more hours til the whole thing starts over again.






Ciao