pre-occupied without you

Song Of The Moment

I don't think people fully understand the "passage of time" more then the single Dad. To most, time flows by unnoticed...days turn into months into years fluidly, without a thought or a regret. To the few Dads who don't see their kids as much as they want, who didn't really choose their new lifestyle of being "the guy the kids visit", the concept of time is more *real*. Time is your enemy. It is a four-legged hunter, following behind you, teeth gnashing, waiting for you to slow down...or stop.

Everyone gets lonely at times. No escaping that little fact o' Life. Lately though?.... I dunno. Life has been filtered for me and the way I see it. Maybe its my new role in Life, my new career, new perspectives, new goals?.... again, I don't know *why* it is like it is. I just know that it *IS*. What I have to figure out now is whether this new view on things I have is a positive thing or a negative thing. I would love to have the unhampered view-points of last year. But "Time" passed by, and now, I see those views with the filtered vision of a man looking back down the road he's walked. All I have left of those views are stories and lessons.

I wrote this in response to one persons question "What was the ONE event that made you who you are today?" It seems to fit into my current mental frame-set somehow, so, I will print it here for me to remember....

Ok, seeing as how others have written such things that have made my mind explore their dark realms and fears, I too shall set off on this journey..... take my hand, will you?....I hate walking this road by myself....
Recognize this yard? This is my old backyard, from way back in 1999. Nice isn't it? See that swing set? I built that with my own 2 hands. Yeah, its kinda off-centre, but *I* made it. Amber loves running out and swinging on it, more then that old sand box we got for her. Whats that on the tree? Those are old cd's. They distract the crows from the bird-feeder. Something flashy they see and when they swoop down to snatch it, the cd is all they can get at. I got creative and tied up Black crows, Sheryl Crowe.....pretty funny eh?
Oh wait! Look! Here I come! Its kinda dark out but can you see how well I jumped off the porch and went rushing across the yard? There I go, running for the edge of the backyard, where the nicely mowed grass leads off into the wildly, over-grown field. I'm stopping by the edge and kneeling down in the long grass..... and there I go, screaming.

"NO!! GOD WHY?!?"

Wow, I had quite a set of lungs, didn't I? What am I screaming at, you may ask? Well, can you see the basement light on in the house? See that shadow walking up the basement stairs? Thats my ex wife. She just told me she didn't love me anymore. Now, she is going back upstairs to check on amber before she goes to bed. I will stay out here, screaming for a while at the sky and then just huddled up in a ball int he grass. Then, I will slowly go back inside, where I will sit on the couch til morning, and my ride to the factory, comes.
Lets leave, ok? We've seen all we can see here. You don't need to hold my hand anymore. In fact, if you can find your own way back, I think I might stay here for a while. This place seems more like home to me right now, ok?







Ciao