you don't know my face at all

Song Of The Moment

I am worried about what kind of world my little girl is going to grow up in. She doesn't understand it yet, but the world I see is not the "rainbow and butterfly" world she has.... its bitter and cold, scheming and deceptive. I hope she holds onto her world for as long as she possibly can. I hope that being her Dad means I can live in her world more than this one I take part in every day. I hope that I can do what I can to make this blackened reality a little better for her. I hope I can teach her, like my Mother taught me, that she has to be strong, but not so strong as to destroy something beautiful in the makings.


Work is work. I walk people through how to fix their technical problems on their computers and sell them protection for the future. I take their money and filter it through the organization so it can make more problems for us to fix. And the circle of wealth continues, as the person sitting at the desk beside me explains to little julie that if she gets her Daddy to pay 59$, all her problems will be fixed up. Then the guy beside me explains how he can't afford to pay his light bill because he has to spend it on car insurance. At least his dome light still works....

I watched at the bars, as the gold-diggers target their prey, the drunken socialites who take them home, feed their need and supply them with the hope that their scheming ways are justified by titling everything as "love". I watch the drunken drunks sloop on their stools, wondering aloud why they can't take that beauty home. I laugh inside, knowing that they can't because they have suffered enough.

Even after watching goldmines go slipping through the eye of a needle and great minds get snapped by the single hair of a woman, after selling my soul and saying its for "the greater good" as I watch my castles crumble....after all of that, I still have hope that its all for something. That good will win and evil wil lose, like in my little ones fairy tales. I have faith. I am not an unthinking machine.









Ciao

Butterfly Angels & Baby Grapes

Song Of The Moment

Re-posted for Valentines Day (originally drafted in Sept. 2005)



"Once upon a time, there was a lonley man. He lived alone, he worked alone and he slept alone. He was happy in the thought that he was doing things on his own, though, and did not realize how lonley he was. One day, the man met a beautiful woman who lived far, far away. He thought, at first, that she was different from most people and loved talking to her. But soon, they were talking all the time, falling asleep on the phone together, sending each other little notes for each other... they were in love. The woman had children and, once the man met them, it was love at first sight. The man had a child as well, but did not see her all the time. Because of this, he was unsure of his feelings for the girls children. He knew he cared for them but was afraid to show it. As well, they lived far, far away from each other and could not see each other as much as they wanted to.
"One day, the two decided to live with each other. They spent weeks happily packing things together and traveling it to the womans place. The thought of being with each other more brought peace to the mans heart and he was not alone anymore. He had someone to love...."

This is where, traditionally, the story ends with an "and they all lived happily ever after."

Unfortunately, this is a new age fairy tale,and must continue as such...

"One day, the man got jealous. He wanted to be with the woman more and more, and when he wasn't with her, he thought the worst was happening. He wanted to talk to the woman...but he didn't. He felt like his world, this new world of happiness, was slowly unraveling underneath him.
Soon, the two started fighting....and the love disappeared. The man moved back to whence he came and the woman stayed where she was. After some time, the man realized what a mistake he had made and tried to get back together with the woman. But she was hurt by the man and did not want him to hurt her anymore. This hurt the mans' heart and he grew sad. He missed her and he missed out on allowing his feelings for her to show."

This story is unfinished...as is so many others in this world...............................


....love doesn't disappear just like that. It fades, sometimes silently, sometimes violently.....but it doesn't just stop. Happy Valentines day to all whom have none.






Ciao

pre-occupied without you

Song Of The Moment

I don't think people fully understand the "passage of time" more then the single Dad. To most, time flows by unnoticed...days turn into months into years fluidly, without a thought or a regret. To the few Dads who don't see their kids as much as they want, who didn't really choose their new lifestyle of being "the guy the kids visit", the concept of time is more *real*. Time is your enemy. It is a four-legged hunter, following behind you, teeth gnashing, waiting for you to slow down...or stop.

Everyone gets lonely at times. No escaping that little fact o' Life. Lately though?.... I dunno. Life has been filtered for me and the way I see it. Maybe its my new role in Life, my new career, new perspectives, new goals?.... again, I don't know *why* it is like it is. I just know that it *IS*. What I have to figure out now is whether this new view on things I have is a positive thing or a negative thing. I would love to have the unhampered view-points of last year. But "Time" passed by, and now, I see those views with the filtered vision of a man looking back down the road he's walked. All I have left of those views are stories and lessons.

I wrote this in response to one persons question "What was the ONE event that made you who you are today?" It seems to fit into my current mental frame-set somehow, so, I will print it here for me to remember....

Ok, seeing as how others have written such things that have made my mind explore their dark realms and fears, I too shall set off on this journey..... take my hand, will you?....I hate walking this road by myself....
Recognize this yard? This is my old backyard, from way back in 1999. Nice isn't it? See that swing set? I built that with my own 2 hands. Yeah, its kinda off-centre, but *I* made it. Amber loves running out and swinging on it, more then that old sand box we got for her. Whats that on the tree? Those are old cd's. They distract the crows from the bird-feeder. Something flashy they see and when they swoop down to snatch it, the cd is all they can get at. I got creative and tied up Black crows, Sheryl Crowe.....pretty funny eh?
Oh wait! Look! Here I come! Its kinda dark out but can you see how well I jumped off the porch and went rushing across the yard? There I go, running for the edge of the backyard, where the nicely mowed grass leads off into the wildly, over-grown field. I'm stopping by the edge and kneeling down in the long grass..... and there I go, screaming.

"NO!! GOD WHY?!?"

Wow, I had quite a set of lungs, didn't I? What am I screaming at, you may ask? Well, can you see the basement light on in the house? See that shadow walking up the basement stairs? Thats my ex wife. She just told me she didn't love me anymore. Now, she is going back upstairs to check on amber before she goes to bed. I will stay out here, screaming for a while at the sky and then just huddled up in a ball int he grass. Then, I will slowly go back inside, where I will sit on the couch til morning, and my ride to the factory, comes.
Lets leave, ok? We've seen all we can see here. You don't need to hold my hand anymore. In fact, if you can find your own way back, I think I might stay here for a while. This place seems more like home to me right now, ok?







Ciao

I believe in ERROR 404

Remind me again *WHY* I signed up for a free Spymac account? Was it because of the so-called "free webspace" thingy? Was it because it seemed like a professional and sociable service, with reviews all over on how "HighTech" they were? Was it because I *LIKED* the number 404 so much?

I'd opt for the last option, myself. Don't get me wrong though. For almost a FULL 5 MONTHS, Spymac served me well, providing what they had promised in the first place, "Free Web Hosting". I uploaded at a whim...if there was something I wanted to show off, *BAM* it was online. I used my website as a portal to all the other sites I frequented. And it gave me a chance to get creative with FrontPage and DreamWeaver as well.

But then, it all went sour. One day, I couldn't connect. I let it be, thinking it was *MY* fault...that maybe the PC I was on was having network issues. Next day, same thing. I went to the spymac support page and found a lovely little post titled "I can't connect to my disc/server". ALMOST 3 MONTHS LATER AND I AM STILL CHECKING THIS THREAD FOR UPDATES ON WHEN I CAN GET ACCESS TO MY SITE BACK!!! I was successful in verifying my account though. It seems Spymac had some "minor server problems" (Major Crash is how it was described just recently by ONE of the only TWO tech support people working for this site), and everyone lost access to their accounts. Spymac is boasting that it is the oldest mac community online, with a public audience of a few hundred thousand people. .... AND ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN TECH SUPPORT!!! After the nightmare of verifying (SMS codes to cell phones, sending 1.19 payment to them through Paypal, emailing them day after day after day for more info), it happened.


I got "THE EMAIL".

Dear DividableFiend,
Thank-you for taking the time to verify your account with Spymac.
Your access to your 1GB of storage space should be back online soon. We
appreciate your contributions to the community and involvement with Spymac.
For help on how to access your files, see the following help topic:
http://www.spymac.com/support/article.php?postid=52
Enjoy your online experience with Spymac. For further assistance, please contact
http://by7fd.bay7.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/compose?curmbox=9CDFA3B3-1317-
426A-B48D93859DFB81B9&a=b3a810d3362a5ca0c26bc613370c5b5a545d2192ce17d0
4f2fe89f04e11d9564&mailto=1&to=techsupport@spymac.com&msg=DD1150F3-DA21-
4C09-8A50-DD5FD87DB4E8&start=0&len=1343&src=&type=x
Sincerely,
The Spymac Team

I rushed to the computer, entered in my old password and I was back IN!!! ... but, everything was GONE!!! ... Oh well, I said. At least I can start uploading again. So what if I have to re-build my entire site again. Hey! I needed to update it anyways, right?

So, off I go to my FrontPage and DreamWeaver, Starting from scratch and making some pretty good starter pages. I upload ONE PAGE...ONE!!!...and all of a sudden I get error messages.

ACK!

Back to my good old "I connect to my disc/server" thread I go...only to discover that the entire spymac site is GONE! ERROR 404'ed!!!

My deduction? After getting all our cash, the TWO Tech guys unplugged their 386 and disconnected the dial-up modem, caught a bus for Bangladore and left all us "Spy's" in the dark.
maybe I'm wrong.... but if I am, then I deserve something free for all this. HELL, THATS WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING IN THE FIRST PLACE. ...and yes, I know. "Nothings Free"...but does this mean I spent 1.19$ to upload one page?...that I can't even SEE anymore?
WOW! Am I *ever* enjoying "my Spymac experience"!! Kinda feels somewhat like getting done from behind!.....with a broken bottle!











Ciao