I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go

Song of the Moment


Don't know who left their heart in my backseat, scribbled on the window. If you need it back, it's still there. Only shows on rainy or foggy days, ironically enough.
But it is still there. Just let me know when you want to pick it up.


Ciao

Work work, money made

Song Of The Moment

DISCLAIMER: After writing this, I realized this is just one long-ass rant, and probably meant more for my own mental well-being. Continue at your own risk.

Wow, having 2 jobs is tiring. Having your 2nd job belittle you, pile extra work on you and deny your request for a raise is not only tiring but frustrating as well.
Today is my day off from my Primary job (The one I like), but I am committed to doing work in the evening for the second job. I am currently getting paid the same amount of money I have been getting paid for the past years of manual labour, but now, the work has changed. I am now filling out Project Manager templates on a nightly basis, even though I am currently not a Project Manager.
Not only has my request for a raise, to match the additional duties I have adopted, been denied BUT my requests to have additional taxes taken off my cheque has been overlooked on enough occasions for me to give up even trying to ask for this simple way to not get screwed when Tax time comes. I mean, seriously. I may get paid 150-200 every 2 weeks. They take off NOTHING for taxes on this amount! If I work 40 hours every 2 weeks (expected amount of work for a part-time job), I get paid 350 dollars and have 5 dollars deducted for taxes!!
So, with all this in place, the question is : Should I feel the same amount of pride I used to feel for a job well done? I remember the days of stripping and waxing a floor and when done, looking at the shine with the thought "Nice, *I* did this", and feeling a sense of pride, of a job well-done. Obviously, the quality of work has no affect on my outlook of the job, since management feels the right to "wring the most out of myself".
Why do I continue working this thankless job, you may ask?
Well... a little background is needed.
I am a single Father, paying Child Support. 5-6 years ago, when I was only working one minimum-wage job on Jewels farm, I discovered something called a "Re-calculation" program, through Maintenance Enforcement, where I dutifully pay my child support twice a month. In signing up for this program, the amount of Child Support I pay a month would be determined by Mine and my estranged wife's income tax returns, instead of a set #. More of a "Ok, if I get laid off, the amount of my support payment would be adjusted, so that I can still afford to buy food, etc." clause.
Which was perfect at the time of introducing it to my estranged wife, since the amount of support payments I was told to pay exceeded my monthly income of working on a farm for 6 dollars an hour.
Awesome.
Quick fast-forward to a few years later when I ended my job on the farm and started my FULL-TIME LIKED job. My Support payments increase a bit, expected behavior and something which was do-able. Life was looking up. I invested in a truck and accepted a part-time job offer with my NOT-LIKED job. The Part-time job basically paid for upkeep on my new truck, the the 2nd used truck I bought as well.
Unfortunately, both trucks, being used, broke down. I currently own a small hatchback, bought used as well, which has very little wrong with it mechanically, but cannot be used for work-purposes, due to it being a car. Now, with the 2nd job in place for 3 years, my support payments have doubled and I really only NEED to work 1 job again.
The place where it stops being logical is, in order for me to only work 1 job, I need to pay the doubled child support payments for a year, with only 1 income.
So, now that we're up-to-speed, this is my situation. I can keep working the 2nd job and ask that they take off extra taxes, but, in trying to, become frustrated as the requests get over-looked. I can ask for a raise to match the "new duties" I have been given but, wait, I already did and was told "N-O". You would think since I was the one who found, introduced and signed up for this "Re-calculation clause", I could ask them to terminate it, but apparently not. Weird no?
OK, wait, maybe, if my 2nd job's boss won't give me a raise and is not so good at remembering to take off extra taxes, I could ask my estranged wife to be lenient on my child support payments for a year, so I can leave the 2nd job and get my budget (and deprived sleep schedule) back on track?
Now, I want to make this crystal clear. I am currently getting along with my estranged wife very well, joking with her and showing a very composed and well-adjusted model for my Daughter. But, unfortunately, even though I am only able to pay 2/3 of the child support payments currently (which my estranged wife has made no issue about), this affects the overdue balance ZERO. By paying what I can afford now, the remainder goes into an "Overdue" amount on a monthly basis. So, if I can only pay 230 a month and the amount is 350 a month, the remaining 120 goes into an overdue pool, which needs to be paid. That is 1440 dollars a year, even though I cannot pay it adjust-ably.
ON TOP OF THAT, since I am now in a higher tax bracket, with no additional taxes coming off my 2nd income, I owe alot in income tax and will owe more on a yearly basis, until the Government decides to do a "wage deduction" to pay for it, like they have been doing for the past few years with my GST cheque. The child support payments will more then likely follow suit, if the "Overdue amount" continues to rise.

In closing, this sucks. And in so, I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity and ignorance. These 2 things are costing me alot of money on a monthly basis.
Money I could be using to buy, oh, I dunno food. But that's ok, I barely have enough time to eat "food" in between these 2 jobs, even if I did have that luxury.

..... am I pointing fingers? It may seem so. But, I would ask in my defense : Am *I* doing something wrong here?






Ciao

I used to think the world was flat .. rarely threw my hat into the crowd

Song Of The Moment

Hey there old friend, whom I have never met.
Even though I know you are not there, or cannot type back, s'ok, just felt the need to let the words flow out and the assurance that someone actually read them, understood them and let the message affect them.
Wow, thought I had alot more in me then that.
But, I guess the thoughts I had a few moments ago are now gone, buried under other stuff, not to be thought of until late at night, when the only thing to say them to is the darkness.
Ahhh, there was a bit more in there, .. thought so. I trick myself sometimes, making myself believe I'm ok, but I always know I'm being lied to, I see right through myself.
I.. I just hope that my Life was for something. It all seems to be rolling up so quickly, 2 years goes by like 2 days, until you see the datestamp on that christmas picture, and realize 8 seasons have passed by.
I should have taken more risks, rode against the wind, walked away from the safe and took a wild ride. I'm mourning that which I never did or remember, almost like it was stolen from me.
Ok, I think that's all. I hope you had a Merry Christmas, friend. I hope to think of you again soon.






Ciao

Once there was a way to get back home

Song Of The Moment

Another night. What new things will I find under this layer of dust?
The little one is sleeping, dreaming dreams far bigger then I could ever imagine. The little one is not so little anymore either. Words cannot express the joy she brings to my Life. Watching her grow and learn and laugh brings light to my solitude. My self-made solitude.

I can't even begin to count the times I have sat here, late into the night, looking out the window, wondering why? Why just me? Can't I have someone to come home to after a long day of confusion? Can't I have someone to make the day less confusing? Memories, to me, are always in the most vivid of colors, while present day events seem misted in grey.

I wish I could understand what this is all about. I want to see the Big Picture. I want to know what this role I have is. But I can't. All I see is what I have. I have a responsibility to be her Father.

So, no matter how dark it gets, how lost I may seem or how alone it may feel, I do have a role. And that can and does bring peace.











Ciao

When I pick up the phone, there is still nobody home

Song Of The Moment

Wow, so, I wrote this blog post, about a week ago, not quite sure how tired I was ... but apparently, I was too tired to actually publish it.

And, so it sat, for a while, until I *stumbled* across it tonight.

"Ever have one of those nights where you sit down and really look at your life ... and realize that you've been lying to yourself for a long, long time. What you think you have is just an illusion, and all you really do have is just a bunch of good memories and that feeling of being alone, totally and completely alone?
... well, that would be me tonight."


Sure glad you're doing better, Mister Fiend.

Who was dragged down by the stone

Song Of The Moment

I tried to help you. You lied to me. I tried to talk to you. You yelled and threatened me. Lesson learned.
Normally, I don't categorize people. So, I think in this situation, I will need to keep this memory in mind. The memory of me wondering if you were going to break into my place, steal my stuff, slash my tires....
Don't get me wrong. You're still my Family. But you have used up your chances. Do not expect anything from me. When I talk about you, the standard sentence will be "Yeah, he's my Family, but we don't talk anymore. He has gotten into some bad things and he's not welcome in my house."
I still have hope for people. One person who continuously decides to mess things up won't keep me from trying to help people. And, I have no doubt that there will be others .... friends, women, maybe even other Family members ... that will show their true colors to me.
And that's fine. It actually makes it easier on the head. I don't have to wonder if this person is going to directly affect me. I can just cut the tie and carry on.
Of course, there will come a day when, miles down the road, you may think everything is forgiven. You know what? It is forgiven. Because, you are not allowed back in the trust again. It's been reset back to zero, and you are on the outside.... you are not allowed back in. You have proven who you are under your thick mask and you can keep that person on the other side of the door.







Ciao

I dont care what you say, I dont play the same games you play.

Song Of The Moment

Dear 3 AM,
Stop making me stay awake, ok? I have work tomorrow, and I don't really care about all the old memories and frigged up things that I can't fix, ok? I really don't want to have to distract myself away from your annoying presence each and every night. Seriously!
Maybe if you showed up with a better outlook, I'd be all right with your late-night visits. But you're so down and depressing! For once, can't you just take a break? Don't you have someone else to haunt? I mean, before you showed up, I was dozing off in the chair. Now? I'm up, trying to fix all the crap you're breaking.
You're a lousy houseguest, you know that?
And, it's always the same ol' stuff with you. "What are you doing?", "Where are you going?", "It's too late, you know?".... get some new material, ok man? Let's talk about the weather! ... or even how the day went! Anything! Let's just not go over the same old broken things we go over every night. We didn't find an "answer" last night, did we? You think we're gonna mysteriously find one tonight?

... wh-what's that?

yeah ... they *were* good times....

Ok, ... maybe ... maybe we can stay up for a bit.








Ciao

He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Nowhere Land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Song Of The Moment

Yeah so, trust has become a slight issue with me. I am of the thinking that this lack of trust has alot to do with my adaptability and willingness to tackle something new, ironically enough. When you realize that everyone has their own little goal to accomplish and "you" are not a part of it, you can really see what needs to be done, how to get it done efficiently and done right.
I guess it boils down to this. We all were born. we were all innocent at one point in our lives. Then something happened, something got "book-marked" in our adventure ... and that something made us/makes us who were are today. So, when I say I don't trust, it's the action I don't trust, not the person exactly. We all still have that innocence in us. It's just covered up with years and years of filtered logic.
What really sucks is the "noticing". Seeing certain looks, certain body movements that indicate a falsity. You know what I'm talking about. A rich girl drops her purse by an old bum and tries to keep her composure when she picks it up. But, if you're quick, you can see "the look", of disgust, of rejection. Under that look is the innocence, all buried up. She can't uncover it, either. It's the plate on which the sourness is piled on, too far down now to even try to think of anymore.
And where does that leave me? Well, for starters, I got a clean slate everyday. I've came to terms with my sour'd ways a while ago, so when I wake up, the starting gun goes off and it's time to get my goals accomplished. ... ahh, but what *are* my goals exactly? I only want to make people happy. Maybe, if I can show you how easy it is to stop thinking of your own self-righteous, self-fulfilling goals and begin to think about making someone else smile, or be at ease with their current situation, I have will have brought the whole mess full circle.













Ciao

Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime.

Song Of The Moment

I don't think many people can understand how much of a hypochondriac I have become. With people passing away recently, mysterious pains and lumps have become my obsession. A traumatic obsession. I'm only 36 and I have slipped into a phase of obsessing about death. Not normal, healthy or rational, but a reality, none the less.
I guess the big reason behind this is a double-edged knife. So many things I want to accomplish, paying my debt, owning a house, traveling, meeting people. But I continue to see things on a "Time-limit". And when I hear about someone my age dying? Total mind-f**k.
I really, really don't want to obsess about dying anymore. I'm only 36! I have a beautiful Daughter, an awesome job. I have options on how I want to make my Life better right now. I guess when the only person you have to talk to about your weird obsessions is yourself, the advice can be kind of sour.
If someone were to ask me a year ago what my biggest concern was, it would have been an easy answer, "Seeing my Daughter". Now, a year later, and the cards have flipped dramatically.
I really hope, a year from now, I can look back on this and say "Well, that was pretty stupid of you now, wasn't it?"
I really do.






Ciao

CONGRAT'S JASON!!!

So, a buddy of mine at work, Jason, is pursuing his dream. A dream I had waaaa--aaay back when. Good on you man! I always said your talent was being wasted but, you know, it's been put to good use, y'know? It's all been practice til now! GOOD LUCK MAN!

Created by OnePlusYou

I can't breathe

Song Of The Moment

4 years is a long time.

Let's list some highlights from the last 4 years of blogging, shall we?

2005 - left a psychotic & controlling girlfriend; started a new job and moved into a much better apartment
2006 - ex-wife has another child; got promoted at work; continuous fighting with ex-wife
2007 - bought my first truck; picked up a second job; old girlfriend goes out with best friend, I remain single; first truck dies
2008 - yet another promotion at work; get 'new-to-me' 4x4; more fighting with ex-wife; enter a weird 'dark poetry phase'; 3rd xmas in new place alone (new tree though)
2009 -sudden peace with ex-wife; hypochondria begins

Not too sure what the Future will bring, with this track history to go by, but, at least things are moving forward and upward, right?


.....right......?







Ciao

Once there was a way to get back home

Song Of The Moment

So used to being paranoid. Can't get used to the fact that the war is over. Can't believe the peace & quiet. You would think being a self-proclaimed hermit, I would welcome peace & quiet, eh?
So now, it all gets boring. Nothing to "fight for".... just normal day to day stuff.....

Nope, I was never for "boring".... nerdy maybe. But boring is definitely not an option.

So, clutch may need repair. Ultimately means, I'm a walker for possibly the next week. I'm good with that, the red beast has been pretty good to me lately, given the lack of repair I have put it through.
Got my cable and phone disconnected, of my own free will. More then half a bill gone, right there. Just need minutes on my cell. Already got my TV rigged up through my computer to watch movies or streaming internet (Win!)
Next step, must go to bank and figure out how to either reduce my monthly fees or migrate my account to a PC financial account. Have to figure out how to migrate Ambers RESP to something that is tax deductible as well, before it gets too mature. As well, need to run a credit report, find out what bill is getting my credit frigged up. Then, eliminate it through a finiancial plan. Need a house, damnit!

Well, that's it for now.






Ciao

I hope you blink before I do

Song Of The Moment

I really don't get it sometimes. We waste years and years, not seeing what's ahead, only focused on the mistakes behind us. Then, it's too late. And we need to walk a different road. We need to be a different person. Same person in a different wrapping.
I don't want to be "saved". No hope for that now, after all these years spent with myself for company. Weird things happen to hermits, haven't they told you? Isolation does messed up shit to people.
I *was* hoping it wouldn't be so lonely. I can handle being alone. Every day I'm alone. Being lonely is a different story all together.

Maybe it's another mistake though. One I haven't seen coming yet.

Maybe I need to see what I cannot.






Ciao

Searching for shelter again and again

Song Of The Moment

Being selfish is best left for 2 AM. When it's only you and the darkness outside to keep your company. It's been a while. Maybe that has something to do with my weird mood shift. Don't think it's leaving anytime soon either. Not that that will alter history. Just a fact.
Trying hard to keep a good poker face these days. Keep the line between here and "there" drawn in bold. Still, I remember the ice cubes in her tea, how my cellphone was called "sleepy" and being wanted. And I wonder why it should even matter? Wasn't the first.... was it the last?
Ahh, that's it then. Worried that this is how it's going to be from now on. I should know better. It could get worse. Best to stop thinking on that and be content in the fact that it hasn't taken a steeper downward drop.

But it's 2 AM, and I don't hear anyone asking me to stop.







Ciao

True

I was not a friend to you

Song Of The Moment

Step one: Write something meaningful
Step two: Delete it.
Step three: Start over

OK, so, time for a reality post. I don't think I've done one of these for a few years now. Workin' 2 jobs. 8 hours at a desk, filling out reports, having meetings, drinking coffee\3-4 hours waxing floors. If I leave at 10am, I'm back home by 10pm. 3 cats waiting for me (1 mama and 2 kitties) who wonder who that guy is that sleeps here all the time. Mama is feeling the spring air and reminding me daily she needs to go to the vet to get fixed. Little brother kitty stretches out to be petted and little sister grabs half a kinder surprise egg and meows to me to play "Toss it and I'll go get it and bring it back to you". This lasts for about an hour, then I start saying to myself "ok, time to go to bed."

But I usually stay up til 1-2, watching & waiting. No idea what I'm waiting for either, really.
Isn't that weird?

The truck I bought last year is lasting nicely. Another 2 months before inspection and it needs some brake work done; body work too. But, it's dependable so far. Amber calls it "The Watchamacallit". Guess we ran out of neat names, what with the GXB (was a GMC) and the black banana (yellow 1/4 ton, painted black).

Trying to fix my budget, so it's not necessary to work 12 hours a day. Thinking of cutting my cable and home phone. Never watch TV much, what with working all day. And having a cell phone means having one on the wall is useless. 60-70 bucks a month saved. Amber's RESP is not tax-claimable apparently (Thanks tax 2000), so thinking of unloading it and investing what there is in a claimable one. One that will help both her and me in the long run.

Wow, now I know why I don't write normal blog posts. This thing reads like a diary. There's a ton more going on too, stuff I can explain in words, and stuff that it would stretch my vernacular to even try, but I don't think I have it in me right now. Apartments cleaned, tea is almost gone and I should go pick up some groceries before I pick Amber up. Maybe think of something fun and different to do this weekend. Any suggestions? Feel free to let me know.




Ciao (BTW, song of the moment was meant for the "deleted post". Maybe I'll reflect on it next time. Name of the band is Intoxicado, my second boss's band. They rock!)

Should I talk slower like you're retarded?

Song of The Moment

Ok, let's set some things straight here.

#1. I'm a hermit by choice. I've realized how easy it is to get screwed over and have chosen not to get associated with that. You will REALLY have to impress the crap outta me for ME to pay attention.

#2. Got sick of seeing how predictable people are a long time ago. If you think I don't know what you're up to, try me. I will prove you wrong.

#3. Don't lie to me. Why would you even do that? If you can't be yourself around me, (this DOES include telling me when to grow up, when to shut up, etc.) you need to re-evaluate whom you are being false to, ok? You're two-facing a hermit. That's kind of stupid, to be honest.

#4. Do NOT think I am your friend because I a. talked to you that one time b. had an inane chatter conversation with you or c. because you think I am your friend. I have had 3 real friends in my Life. Only 1 is still around and that's enough for me, thanks. Please see #1.

#5. If you should ever feel the need to show how smart/important/liked you are, please direct your haughty braggings elsewhere. I do not now, nor will I ever, feel the need to fill my head with your hot air. I've got enough hot air to do us both, ok? I'm like a freakin' HELIUM balloon! Again, see #1.

So, that's that! All clear? YAY!





Ciao

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

Song Of The Moment

The old puzzle had almost all it's pieces. I knew this because I would see one or two of them every now and then. There were only about 6 pieces but they were all where I last seen them. I would often say "I should see if I can at least get all the pieces back together in one place again. Then, maybe some day, I'll put it all together."
I never did. Time has a way of prioritizing you, pushing things to the back of the shelf. New things are so shiny and distracting that I forgot about the old things.

My sister died this morning and one of those pieces is gone forever.

Would it be like this? If I had taken the time to see if everything was ok, be less of a hermit, would I be wearing black now? Outcast by myself into the shadows, feeling loss but only able to vocalize it to the walls that have kept me company for so long? Only able to let my words dribble out in this fashion, in the hopes that re-reading it in the future will put things into perspective?

I'll never know. I didn't take the time.








Ciao

Now you're lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age

Song Of The Moment

Have I mentioned my Dad was an alcoholic? No? Well, I have officially mentioned it. I remember quite well when he drove me to Morell each day for work, barely seeing the road over the steering wheel and through scotch-filled eyes. Almost sent us flying into a construction ravine one day "Damn guy standing in the middle of the road, he tryin' to get killed?" Flagger barely had time to move as we barreled past. I came close to either dying or being wheelchair-bound that day.

Have I mentioned how my best friend turned into an alcoholic too? Busting into my apartment at 6 in the morning, hours before my young one was to come over, drunk off his ass. Eating caramel corn dipped in mustard. All I could do to drive him out of there, before his life wrecked mine. Didn't like how I saw his eyes turn vicious, my old friend had turned into someone else.

Have I mentioned there's a gravestone in the St. Peters Road graveyard, that you will find food placed by the gravestone? He died too young as he took a turn too quick on his dirtbike. I talked about girls to him, in that just turning into a teenager way, and now I look down to only hear nothing from the ground. His parents make sure he is well fed by bringing food to his grave and leaving it for him.

I don't care who you are. People don't drink so they can get better eyesight. And they certainly don't drink so they can make better and faster judgment calls. As for judgement, yep, I've had my wild days. And I learned from them real quick. Spending a paycheque to risk yourself and others is not wise. Accomplishes nothing. Nowadays, I take peace in knowing my boring day-to-day life does not JEOPARDIZE others. People you may care for.



That's it, I'm done.


Ciao

Beneath the lies.

Song Of The Moment

Please stop. if I had another facet, I would take it
This is all I have right now, you don't see
How could you see?
Whole damn things falling apart
As for advertising, we all do it without knowing
it gives peace
Pick the scab til it bleeds
Then show off the scar

And people. People ask for what they get
Fuck sakes
Don't you understand?
no, no you don't
Sometimes, when you're lost, you need to scream
First to see if anyone's out there
Then, when you slowly realize no one is
You keep screaming
Just to scream

Then what?
Gonna scream until someone hears?
Only person is you, my friend
Maybe someone will wander by and hear it, taken out of context, of course
But their opinion can't matter now, can it?
Do they know? no
Do you?

Best part though, the hiding, masking, shutting down
So easy to do, fake a lie detector
Throw the wool over your own eyes enough and it's easy to make other people believe it was never really there
false pride in the erasing
Still there






Ciao