I was not a friend to you

Song Of The Moment

Step one: Write something meaningful
Step two: Delete it.
Step three: Start over

OK, so, time for a reality post. I don't think I've done one of these for a few years now. Workin' 2 jobs. 8 hours at a desk, filling out reports, having meetings, drinking coffee\3-4 hours waxing floors. If I leave at 10am, I'm back home by 10pm. 3 cats waiting for me (1 mama and 2 kitties) who wonder who that guy is that sleeps here all the time. Mama is feeling the spring air and reminding me daily she needs to go to the vet to get fixed. Little brother kitty stretches out to be petted and little sister grabs half a kinder surprise egg and meows to me to play "Toss it and I'll go get it and bring it back to you". This lasts for about an hour, then I start saying to myself "ok, time to go to bed."

But I usually stay up til 1-2, watching & waiting. No idea what I'm waiting for either, really.
Isn't that weird?

The truck I bought last year is lasting nicely. Another 2 months before inspection and it needs some brake work done; body work too. But, it's dependable so far. Amber calls it "The Watchamacallit". Guess we ran out of neat names, what with the GXB (was a GMC) and the black banana (yellow 1/4 ton, painted black).

Trying to fix my budget, so it's not necessary to work 12 hours a day. Thinking of cutting my cable and home phone. Never watch TV much, what with working all day. And having a cell phone means having one on the wall is useless. 60-70 bucks a month saved. Amber's RESP is not tax-claimable apparently (Thanks tax 2000), so thinking of unloading it and investing what there is in a claimable one. One that will help both her and me in the long run.

Wow, now I know why I don't write normal blog posts. This thing reads like a diary. There's a ton more going on too, stuff I can explain in words, and stuff that it would stretch my vernacular to even try, but I don't think I have it in me right now. Apartments cleaned, tea is almost gone and I should go pick up some groceries before I pick Amber up. Maybe think of something fun and different to do this weekend. Any suggestions? Feel free to let me know.




Ciao (BTW, song of the moment was meant for the "deleted post". Maybe I'll reflect on it next time. Name of the band is Intoxicado, my second boss's band. They rock!)

Should I talk slower like you're retarded?

Song of The Moment

Ok, let's set some things straight here.

#1. I'm a hermit by choice. I've realized how easy it is to get screwed over and have chosen not to get associated with that. You will REALLY have to impress the crap outta me for ME to pay attention.

#2. Got sick of seeing how predictable people are a long time ago. If you think I don't know what you're up to, try me. I will prove you wrong.

#3. Don't lie to me. Why would you even do that? If you can't be yourself around me, (this DOES include telling me when to grow up, when to shut up, etc.) you need to re-evaluate whom you are being false to, ok? You're two-facing a hermit. That's kind of stupid, to be honest.

#4. Do NOT think I am your friend because I a. talked to you that one time b. had an inane chatter conversation with you or c. because you think I am your friend. I have had 3 real friends in my Life. Only 1 is still around and that's enough for me, thanks. Please see #1.

#5. If you should ever feel the need to show how smart/important/liked you are, please direct your haughty braggings elsewhere. I do not now, nor will I ever, feel the need to fill my head with your hot air. I've got enough hot air to do us both, ok? I'm like a freakin' HELIUM balloon! Again, see #1.

So, that's that! All clear? YAY!





Ciao

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

Song Of The Moment

The old puzzle had almost all it's pieces. I knew this because I would see one or two of them every now and then. There were only about 6 pieces but they were all where I last seen them. I would often say "I should see if I can at least get all the pieces back together in one place again. Then, maybe some day, I'll put it all together."
I never did. Time has a way of prioritizing you, pushing things to the back of the shelf. New things are so shiny and distracting that I forgot about the old things.

My sister died this morning and one of those pieces is gone forever.

Would it be like this? If I had taken the time to see if everything was ok, be less of a hermit, would I be wearing black now? Outcast by myself into the shadows, feeling loss but only able to vocalize it to the walls that have kept me company for so long? Only able to let my words dribble out in this fashion, in the hopes that re-reading it in the future will put things into perspective?

I'll never know. I didn't take the time.








Ciao

Now you're lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age

Song Of The Moment

Have I mentioned my Dad was an alcoholic? No? Well, I have officially mentioned it. I remember quite well when he drove me to Morell each day for work, barely seeing the road over the steering wheel and through scotch-filled eyes. Almost sent us flying into a construction ravine one day "Damn guy standing in the middle of the road, he tryin' to get killed?" Flagger barely had time to move as we barreled past. I came close to either dying or being wheelchair-bound that day.

Have I mentioned how my best friend turned into an alcoholic too? Busting into my apartment at 6 in the morning, hours before my young one was to come over, drunk off his ass. Eating caramel corn dipped in mustard. All I could do to drive him out of there, before his life wrecked mine. Didn't like how I saw his eyes turn vicious, my old friend had turned into someone else.

Have I mentioned there's a gravestone in the St. Peters Road graveyard, that you will find food placed by the gravestone? He died too young as he took a turn too quick on his dirtbike. I talked about girls to him, in that just turning into a teenager way, and now I look down to only hear nothing from the ground. His parents make sure he is well fed by bringing food to his grave and leaving it for him.

I don't care who you are. People don't drink so they can get better eyesight. And they certainly don't drink so they can make better and faster judgment calls. As for judgement, yep, I've had my wild days. And I learned from them real quick. Spending a paycheque to risk yourself and others is not wise. Accomplishes nothing. Nowadays, I take peace in knowing my boring day-to-day life does not JEOPARDIZE others. People you may care for.



That's it, I'm done.


Ciao

Beneath the lies.

Song Of The Moment

Please stop. if I had another facet, I would take it
This is all I have right now, you don't see
How could you see?
Whole damn things falling apart
As for advertising, we all do it without knowing
it gives peace
Pick the scab til it bleeds
Then show off the scar

And people. People ask for what they get
Fuck sakes
Don't you understand?
no, no you don't
Sometimes, when you're lost, you need to scream
First to see if anyone's out there
Then, when you slowly realize no one is
You keep screaming
Just to scream

Then what?
Gonna scream until someone hears?
Only person is you, my friend
Maybe someone will wander by and hear it, taken out of context, of course
But their opinion can't matter now, can it?
Do they know? no
Do you?

Best part though, the hiding, masking, shutting down
So easy to do, fake a lie detector
Throw the wool over your own eyes enough and it's easy to make other people believe it was never really there
false pride in the erasing
Still there






Ciao

Why don't you get your mind out of the past?

Song Of The Moment

Just when you think you have a handle on it
It changes color and flavor
Wish to hell I could detach but I can't
Only one thing left in the world that means something

Don't pull me in
I only need what you have
I don't want what you have to give
You decided this

My life has strayed away from that line
I kept what was important
And remembered the words
Black does not turn to white overnight/or does it?

You CANNOT erase the years of bitterness with ignorance
Apologies don't even begin to fade the scars left behind
Change, 'real change', can start to heal it
But I don't see it yet, two faces on one head

Everyday I meet people, some stay, some go
But there are only two that mean anything to me
One is a little girl who knows I love her
And the other is me






Ciao

My love is vengeance, that's never free

Song Of The Moment

So the warden let me free
The bars disappeared
And now I walk
Wondering where everything went

So long spent locked up
The air isn't the same out here
And I don't think I can find where I left off
Before being trapped

Maybe this is a mistake?
Because I don't think I can fake this
Being happy is up for debate
So false

Imprinted in my head
Those long years of solitary
Examining what everyone speeds by
Realizing the true meanings

Happiness is not just up for debate
It's up for sale
It's up for rent
It's up for trade

Even if this isn't a mistake, I'm still locked up
Walking free, trapped inside
My sentence continues





Ciao

Just someone to keep my house clean, fix my meals and go away

Song Of The Moment


I'm a chameleon, but that doesn't matter
It has no effect on you, only me
Weeds have started to grow beneath my feet
And I need to shed my skin

I've said this all before
Why won't I listen?
I've said this all before
And I don't remember

It's all so stale and tepid
And my head hurts
From all the redundant thoughts of victory
And the recycling of the old

You've made it this far through the enigma
Why are you still reading? Is it because I am still writing?
I can stop, if you want... it's not finding me and I stopped looking







Ciao

To living lies with no escape, Lord, I would rather be alone.

Song of The Moment

So now we are friends
How did that happen again?
Should I question it and let loose the storm?
Or lie to myself, get stabbed again, only to save myself the hate?

I thought at first it was about comparisons
More then you, less then me
But, in the long run
The scale's weight does not answer "why?"

And I cannot assume this is the same old trick
Because, maybe it isn't
Maybe it's a new trick, something I need to adapt to
Or maybe I'm just paranoid

So what if you use me
Lie to me through all these years words
The only difference between you and everyone else is
I allow it to happen

I allow it because I have no choice
Here, late at night, looking out my snow-covered window
Out at the new years' beginning
Just as alone as the last








Ciao

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

Life encompasses me
Circling around the room
Can't grab hold of it
Can only reflect my image onto it

It would appear that I am needed
Even though most would disagree
My eyes can't lie
I am the judge of that

So you spread your hate
Seeding it deep
How listless to productive work you are
When your spite grows more every day

Content with my place
At ease with shortcomings
Is it all for a greater purpose
Or is this just another dice toss?

Not that it matters
I'm here ... can't change that
So, why is it, instead of making good of it
I'm buried in a nameless grave?

To Hell with your opinion
Just as mine was cast to flames
It's time to count the failures by what was learned
Not by what went wrong

Control is in the eye of the beholder
And you have none over me
This path grows more interesting
And I really can't stop to chat

And how I used to be

Watching my shadow fall
On a different doorstep
Analyzing from a safe distance
The consequences without consequence

Certain rituals must be passed
Fill out this form please
Only in pen, no forgetting the past
Signed in someone elses name

Why bother buying what soon will be broken?
No precaution can prevent
Realize the inevitability of Time
And rip the clock from the wall

Soon, the Deja Vu will overcome you
Like calendar pages in the wind
Best to land where you started
Like the journey never happened

And we slowly move forward and together
And lose more everyday
And the songs only playing from the middle
Silver medals for all

Stuck in a world of isolation while the ivy grows over the door

Swine will dine on the oysters prize
And wild dogs run free through the church
Someone has profited from the absence of caution
The world has ended and began somewhere

But the headlines are blurred beyond reason
The fine print bold and underlined
It all makes sense when you close your eyes
And think about nothing at all

Trapped between the then and the when
Trying to brace up the doors
But the damn phone won't stop ringing
Even though there's nobody home

And the irony of it all is the incomprehensible release
The invisible milestones marking the way
Pictures made of cellophane; Letters written in white
No one the wiser for the hole that's been dug

Undeserved and taking more/Setting fire to the locks and keys

You've shown me eventually what you'll do

I don't know you through a smile and a "Hi"
It takes more then the cover of the book
To understand its' story

So, don't pretend like you know me
You don't even know yourself
Come back when you've found whomever makes your decisions

And don't judge me
One day, I'll be in your jury box
Holding a book cover, biting my tongue

Besides the point, it all comes full circle
And we've all been there before
Funny how easy we forget

Forget the bad when the good comes knocking
And the days turn into years
While others age in a day, some take forever

Aging outwards, growing stale as reality blurs by
Trying hard to pick out the familiar faces in the crowd
Time-lapse memory

So don't think for a moment that you know me
I am you
And you are lost

It will astound you

Looking back through the yellowed pages of yesterday
Walking down paths not traveled by myself for years
Old pictures soiled by the pains of Today
Close the book before Tomorrow stains it more

Close your eyes and look again; It's not stained
Time has played a trick on you
The places and faces are still there
You only need see them in a different light

Because eventually, you will grow bored and feel trapped
And the loom of humanity will make another pass
Tying one thread to another
Until it is all one again







Ciao

It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain

Song Of The Moment

Left the window open a crack
Never thinking it would rain
Reprimanded myself, when distanced from it
Sitting in front of it, it remains the same

The sound of the cars, swimming forward on the road
The only audience to my little play
Where I am center-stage, staring blankly
Forgot my lines again

And even though the rain comes in
The foul air inside is free to escape, should it wish
This is not the reason it remains open, however
Something deeper keeps me from closing it

Something that makes me keep old letters
Keeps me from deleting emails
Causes personality traits that seem alien to most
Protects those memories that I, alone, remember

Soon though, this will not prevent it from being shut
The cold needs to be kept out
Lock out the strangers and close the drapes
Nobody's home

I should've held on harder to my innocence...

Frigging right I'm starting over.
Clean slate, no hate
Been too long living with this grey skyed sight
May as well be blind

I've made enough mistakes in the past
To know when and where not to make them next time
I've learned, seen and lived
And now I just want amnesia

Blue skies & innocence can be found
You just need to bite your tongue
Insert a laugh when you can
And stop being stubbornly wrong

Open your damn eyes!
See what you're making?
No one wants that
So start over

his code not functional or elegant

Hugh has joined the conversation
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Hugh says:
Hey guys! What's up?

(O)Time(O) says:
Nothin'. Took ya long enough to log in, didn't ya?

Hugh says:
Ya, got tied up a bit at work. You the only one here?

(O)Time(O) says:
Dude! I'm ALWAYS here! LOL!

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(*)Fate(*) has joined the conversation
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(*)Fate(*) says:
WHASSUP!!!!1

(O)Time(O) says:
Hey fate. We were just talkin' about ya!

Hugh says:
Hey fate. um, time? I don't remember talking about fate?

(O)Time(O) says:
Ohhh yes you were! lol! "Hugh says: got tied up at work" LOL

Hugh says:
Piss off time lol

(*)Fate(*) says:
I am lkike SOOOIOOOO wasted rtight now!!!1!!!!!

(O)Time(O) says:
Oh great... figures. Hey fate? Do anything today?

(*)Fate(*) says:
R U KIDDING??? DRINBKING IS THE ONly thing i dfo therse dfays!!!111 thank gawd fer bacardui!!111

Hugh says:
LOL!!

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(S)Destiny(S) has joined the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Destiny!!!

Hugh says:
Hey destiny! What's up?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey guys

(*)Fate(*) says:
WHOOOOOOOOOHJOOOOOOO!!!!!111!! DERSTINY IS IN DFA HOUSE!!!!!11

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Lemmee guess ... Bacardi's is on sale?

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
LOL

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey hugh man? How was your day?

Hugh says:
Not too bad. went out trick or treating with the little one. She's over for the weekend too.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's awesome man! She must be having fun! get lots of candy, or were you out for long?

Hugh says:
Yeah, half a pillow-sack (Man, that term did NOT exist before tonight! it's pillow CASE!!! LOL)

(S)Desting(S) says:
lol, awesome man.

(*)Fate(*) says:
BRB GOTTA PEE

Hugh says:
...nice....gonna tell us when you flush too?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
LOL

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
yeah, things are pretty nice tonight. Sitting back, listening to some tunes.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's honestly good to hear man. Gotta say, I was thinking you were in another slump, y'know?

Hugh says:
yeah, well, there's up's and there's downs. For right now, I'm content.

(O)Time(O) says:
Word

(S)Destiny(S) says:
So, you're not worrying anymore about all that shit you were going on about?

Hugh says:
Oh, I could be. I just don't want to be, y'know? Besides, tomorrow is a new day, right? You just don't know what will happen. May as well laugh and joke around while i can

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Verrrrry wise, young paddewon.... learned the force you have lol

Hugh says:
LOL, you are such a nerd, dude!

(O)Time(O) says:
LAWL!!

(*)Fate(*) says:
K GHUYS IM BACVK!!1

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Jesus...that's MY cue. Night all!

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(S)Destiny(S) has left the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Yup, it's that time... lol! take 'er easy Hugh

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(O)Time(O) has left the conversation
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(*)Fate(*) says:
WTF??//

Hugh says:
Seriously man. Sobre up

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Hugh has left the conversation
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Why do I care?

Hey Hugh! ... or Fiend, or UUUU ... whatever you go by. Wanted to remind you of this, since I know you're pretty forgetful at times (well, some of the times). You're not that bad off man. Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?

No seriously man. I'm not joking. That produce sticker on your phone? Remember how it got there? Remember coming home, seeing the phone, remembering all the bad phone calls you've had on it, thinking you have to make the phone look different somehow, so you'd have something other then just the bad memories to think of when you walked by it?
Remember how you "actually" hunted for a sticker to put on it, like a smiley face or something, and couldn't find one? Then you actually thought of taping a hand-drawn smiley face on it, shook your head saying "Now, that's just crazy" and forgot about it?
Remember after you got a peach from the fridge, sat down to eat it and bit into the produce sticker, what you said?

Yup! That's right!

"Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?"

So, if you're still worrying about the things you can't change the next time you read this, stop, ok? C'mon, there's a ton more you could be doing right now?

Like finding a way to make the sour things look ok...

When did I change?

I'd like to say a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to the asshats that completely screwed my day up. It's nice to know that, even though you and yours are NOT keeping a positive outlook on this whole Fathering thing, you can take that extra step to continually make my Life Hell. Bravo!

Now, even though your work was flawless (and probably took little to no effort), there were a few minor tweaks you could try next time for added interest. I'll list them here, in no specific order.

1. Try mimicking her voice tone as well as her wordings. This way, it will be like I'm actually talking to HER, .. wait, apologies .. "getting yelled at by" is a better terminology. Not that I can't hear her in the background, mind you, but as you've claimed, your phone is pretty sketchy sounding, making everything said away from the receiver sound like Charlie Browns teacher. So, for example, sentences like "She's getting migraines because of all this stress. I'm going to take her medical reports to child services if you don't stop." would sound better if you use a higher-pitched, controlling tone.

2. A question like "I told you I was going to see her from such and such a time on such and such day. Don't you remember?" should be answered with "Crap, I wrote that down I think but I don't think I could find it now, place is pretty messy", followed by the sounds of rummaging through something. Yes, I know, this is lying (You DON'T write anything I tell you about scheduling, even though I asked. GOOD!), but it would add an extra level to the whole drama!!

3. Instead of just hanging up on me, putting the phone down and calling me down would be acceptable. It's been done before, so it's tried-tested and TRUE! Good examples of calling me down could be "Grow up and act like a man.", "Why would I let her hang around with someone like you?" or "We ALL think you don't care."

Everything else is spot-on though! I'd say "Keep up the work!" but, that would be said with too much sarcasm. That and, I have absolutely NO doubt this kind of thing will continue for a few more years, until the hate stops.

My Daughter drew a picture a few weeks ago. I asked her what it was. She told me it was her happy thoughts. You see, in my Daughters happy thoughts, the sun is shining, her and I and our kittens have gone for a summers picnic. NO WHERE in this picture was there a phone receiver being disconnected abruptly, no silhouettes of people yelling at each other over TRIVIAL things.






Just something to think about.

the world's not round without you

The calendar does not keep time, the photo album does
Birthday cards are just reminders of how much time has passed
Too much time has passed, and I could not stop the hands of the clock
1/2 price sticker on my sleeve

Ran all the peaceful moments out of town
No room for them in the silent turmoil
The self-guided madness I control
And which controls me

I live in the long drawn-out silences
The empty spaces between the fence boards
I seem to be part of it all
But the absence of me is what keeps it all together