Asking myself if I am "proud" of who I am and what I have become is a scary question. I've been thinking alot lately about what my Mom wanted for my future, or what she hoped for me and how I have turned out. I know she did everything for me, went way out of her way to make sure I had all that I needed, but if she were alive today, would she be proud? The only person I can ask is myself, and I do not know. Or maybe I just know the answer, and do not want to say it.With Fathers day coming, you would think my old man's impressions of me would be of importance too, wouldn't you? But that would imply that he had any doings in my growing up. 6 houses away is a universe to a 7 year old, and I simply did not know he existed. I live 6 houses away from my daughter, and she doesn't need a plane ticket to go visiting. I exist. And yes, there are things in the past that are festering and wounded. If they are that scarred, though, how can they affect me this much?
I guess my own importance, or what I wanted to be when I grew up, has taken a back seat to my Daughters well-being, in some ways. And now, that I am getting older, it's becoming clearer that this might be all that there is. But, I can still make differences daily, just with my words. I wish I could find the words that express this dark, foreboding feeling of an "ending" that has been looming over me these past few months. Maybe if I could describe it, I could understand it and conquer it.
For all the lost souls, empty words and forgotten moments, it all amounts to this ... "what you *see* right now".
Ciao
8 comments:
Life's path is never straight. If you are like the majority of people you would look back on your childhood and say you were in a dysfunctional situation. This causes us to see life to day from the mirror of what we saw growing up. The picture we see in the mirror is a distorted view. We need to know that what we see and think is not what life is really about. Life if the fucking pits but we are here and have created new life so we are kind of stuck here. The dark foreboding ending you are feeling is that fucking monkey on your shoulder from your up bringing
As we get older we have to look in that mirror and understand what we see is the past. We are responsible for how we are going to feel to day.
I have a sticker on my car that says "screw guilt" ( I would say fuck guilt)
No more am I going to worry about what Mom, Dad thinks. I am doing the best I can for my children and if they have a distorted view of life they will have to figure things out for themselves. I just know I am doing the best I can with the tools I have available.
I have a book of daily affirmations
This is one from that book.
Keeping my dreams alive is important to me. If one dream dies, I know I must search deeply inside for the glimmer of another.
I have felt betrayed before by dreams that never had a chance, by relationships that have failed and by parents that disappointed me.
Even the dreams that have failed played an important part in my life, and I will nurture the spark within me that keeps my dreams alive.
Every lovely reality was someone's dream that was loved into being. today I will affirm my courage to dream again.
I belong to a group (we are fucked up adults) I find it helpful sharing with other people that have the same experiences in one way or another. My mother use to say misery likes company. There is something to that saying.
If I sound confusing it is because I am LOL Just want to close pal by saying I understand.
As we get older we have to reexamine our past That is where the dark foreboding feeling is coming from. We can't escape it we have to look back and figure our why things happened the way they did. Once we know why and understand we can accept it and move on.
Fuck I sound like I know it all.
I am just struggling to survive pal.
It is one day at a time for sure.
Happy Father's Day guy.
You said it man, we all have the answers to our questions, but the language we speak needs to be filtered enough for us to understand it.
What the fuck is Anonymous talking about?
Total spammer
spam spam spam spam spammity spam
I hope this spam doesn't continue to the point where yiou have to close your blog----like a few others I know
Jesus, the spammers are trying to type like "normal people" .. scary
OMG LMFAO what is a "normal person"
I haven't figured out what normal means......I'm sure it is something foreign to my warped mind.
Have to admit the spammers are getting smarter. If you frequented some of the "bad" spots I do you would see what I mean.
Keep on writing-enjoy your thoughts and still think you should publish them and make money from them.
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