My ex-wife is pregnant. My little girl informed me of this last weekend. "Mommys going to have a baby, Daddy!" How am I supposed to react to this? Seriously. No one out there, reading this, can honestly come up with a logical frame of mind to have. No one.Do you say nothing and ignore the fact? No. My daughter is really excited about it. WHY would I pretend like it isn't happening? That would be foolish. Its happening. Accept it. Do I act excited and hurt myself inside by doing it, what with all the mixed emotions involved? For all out there that opt in to the belief that I dwell...please...this is not about dwelling. This is about heirarchy. My DAUGHTER is now learning about "Mothers and Fathers". I have to be part of this teaching. BUT, it also leads to another stage, one where there are 2 players. 2 actors. One of them original casted star. The other? The stunt double, lets say. In the end though, both are actors. Not *really* playing the part. Just reading lines from a script. A script I either lost or haven't written yet.
So, there I am. Standing by the open car door. Little one buckling her seat belt and then looking up at me, like she had just told me what she had for breakfast. I won't lie. The shock hit me momentarily. Images of her as a smaller child tried to flood their way into my mind, soaked with their melancholy flavours. Biting my lip, I said "Really? Wow, darlin'. Tell me all about it." And she did. Oh, did she ever. But it wasn't really about the "baby"....or about "Mommy".... she/we talked about Fathers and Daughters. How she looked at the pictures she has of me when Mommy told her. How she has one picture of me feeding her that she keeps up front. How she had seen pictures of what she looked like when she was in Mommy's belly. How, when her new brother or sister is old enough, she wanted to explain to him/her where she goes every weekend...to see her real daddy. That she wanted to ask her new sibling if they wanted to come over to visit me too.
My little girl was sent from heaven, I swear....
Ciao
15 comments:
Ok, you ARE an idiot. :|
You ARE dwelling again, or it wouldn't be on your mind enough to right a blog entry about it.
YES!!! You can and should act excited. Why? Because your daughter is excited, and you NEED to be part of it.
Heirarchy? No it's about control. You resent the fact that your ex has continued with her life. So much so that she has "Re-Cast" your leading role. Come on, if you put that much thought (Actors without a script) you ARE dwelling.
Now, you have to figure out WHY.
Ok, number one, your life is changing again, without your control. Because your daughter is going to have a sibling, you have come up against the fact that your daughter needs SOME kind of explanation of the facts of life, relationships, interpersonal communication, and beer.
Buddy, these things would have happened anyway, as she's growing up. At least NOW, you get to help tell her BEFORE she's a teen-ager that knows everything and won't listen. I envy you that (You know my situation with MY daughter).
Two, is it the fact that the wife found someone else? Could it be jealousy? Could you still have some small amount of feelings for your EX? The woman who cut out your heart, and threw it at your face while it was still pumping?.
Probably. Even when you've learned to actively despise someone that you used to love, there is still a little nugget of concern left deep inside for that person (I think THAT's what keeps most of us from killing our Ex's).
Life's changing for your Ex. It's changing for your daughter. It's even changing for YOU... Can you see the possibilities for MORE access to your daughter here? Home many yelling and screaming kids will she want in a house at a time?
If your polite and suggest to her that you'll take A. for a few hours after school on your off days or some other time mutually convenient, she'll probably say yes.
I suggest you now give in, and decide that you'll be one of those Cool Dad's... The ones even thier Ex's like, if not love.
Hint One: When you buy something for A., pick up something small for "Baby?". This especially applies on Birthdays... The fact that the baby would have it's own gift to obsess over on A.'s birthday will make A.'s a much more enjoyable time. As well as totally confuse your EX. :)
Hint Two: "Baby ?" and your Ex are part of your family, no matter what. Treat them as such. Same with the sperm doner for "Baby?". Treat them with respect for the importance they have in your daughters life, if nothing else.
Tell your ex every time you see her while she's Pregnant how good she looks, even if she doesn't at the moment... You'd be amazed how much a little flattery will help a pregnant woman feel about herself. Too many women get self consious about "Body Image" while pregnant, not realizing that 80% of the male population thing they actually look BETTER... Plus it can help with the hormones... Preggie hormones blow away the monthly kind. :s
So act Excite, FFS.
1) Your daughters happy.
2) You have a chance to be recognized as great person.
3) Your Ex will soon be swelling up like that girl in Willie Wonka.
-Guru.
That was THE single longest comment I have ever HAD!
*takes out the "Long Comment Trophy" and places it on Guru's desk*
I am in total agreement with almost everything you have to say...but, there are a few common misconceptions that I think I should clear up.
1. Dwelling involves thiking about things in the past and making yourself miserable about it. This does not involve the past. When I *DO* think about the past, I see all the adventures I have had. Summer romance in S'side, Perry Mason-like sidequest during the "court thing", the Table-Tosser, my *affair* with my attached ex-girlfriend, etc. etc. All are things that happened, ended and I have neat memories of. The same applies for my ex-wife. It wasn't always that way, but to think back on the "dark days", all I see is just another adventure I had.
2. My ex has had several guys in her Life since me. One in particular, "Peter" was an OK guy. If it weren't for him, I probbaly would not have seen my little one during the years of 2003-2004. Jealousy is not a part of this. I really wanted her to keep Peter around. He made her happy AND when your ex is happy, everything else I have been stumbling on goes smoothly.
3. My ex has been pregnant before but lost the baby. I did not learn about all this til shortly AFTER the year I was not allowed to see A.. So, realistically, I did not have to think about it much. And when I did, these were the end of the dark days, so I did not have much good to say.
4. THIS is the BIG one. Your "Hints" are awesome. Don't think they are not. But they are not something I can practice, unfortunately. The last interaction My ex and I had involved her squishing me between the doors at her place, all the time screaming "Get out", much to the dismay of A.. All because she said "And another thing, don't you EVER threaten to take me to court again!" to which I replied, sanely, "I really don't think we should discuss this in front af A."
I had to get the police involved, get a restraining order placed on her, etc etc. Now?...I don't go near the doorway when I pick up A, I pay my support at the office every week instead of giving it to the ex in person & A.'s Mom is not allowed to call here, period.
I was at the point of being one of those "cool dad's" who could go into the ex's house and talk with the ex. Then, that happened. The best comment I got on the whole incident was from the cop who helped me tie the whole situation down. I said to him "I wanted what all single Dads want...a civil relationship with my ex, and I had it. Then this happened. Why would I EVER want to work on getting that back if it leads to this?" To which he repled "Its about control, not civality. A VERY fine line to walk. I wouldn't work on being civil. *I* would work on protecting yourself."
Now that I have those misconceptions cleared up....this is about my relationship with my daughter! My ex is only someone else playing their part in the grand scheme of things. Just like her new guy is. *I* do not want a 2-bit actor part. I want to make a difference, in any way I can. And I guess I have, remembering how the little one is reacting to all this.
Ok, your definition of "Dwell" is slightly different than mine, but alright. Whatever. :P
As long as you learn from your past expierences, you have a chance of becoming a full human being.
And believe me, no matter what happens, you will never be a "two-bit" actor to A., even if you screw it up... And you will. ALL parents do. But if your honest with her when you do screw up, she'll treat you with MORE respect.
It's amazing how much my daughter enjoys the company of her biological dad, even though he is quite an asshole, and always has been. Tell me, who brings beer to a 5 year olds birthday party and drinks himself senceless? Now that's a great dad and grandfather.
Spawn told me later that she was appreciative that I didn't insert those beer bottles in his ass, and she was glad that I wasn't like him. See, Kids can learn from us. :D
Your little A. will learn from you. Your child WILL see the good in you, no matter what. All you have to do is show her that you love and care for her, give her all your time, money, and support. :|
But that's ok, you WANT to do that anyway, right? :D
As for the "Protect yourself" advice from the police officer, That is probably appropriate, as it's obvious that you can't predict how the EX will act.
Interesting that SHE didn't like having the tables turn and HER being on the wrong end of "Court Stuff", isn't it.
And Buddy, that IS Karma, in all it's glory! You were visited by the Karma fairy that day!
Rejoice!
Ciao, Pinky! :)
Damn,
and I thought my life was screwed up... now wait... it still is, no worries there.
Life is at times far too complicated for me to comprehend, an I have learned to cherish all the little things in life.
While my wife and I don't have the best relationship in the world, we have always been the best of friends, and if we ever did break up, I know we would still have that.
Cherish all the little things, hold them close... every little bit helps.
Matt
Wholly crap.....so *THATS* karma!!!
ok, I now know what it is.....
As for YOU, captain...... Buy that woman a cake!!!
*one that says "Happy Birthday, save me a slice"*
LOL
I went one step better, I made her a cake.
Thats a good *makes whip-snapping sounds* boy....
Holy shite! Those were some of the longest comments EVAH!!!
I agree with most of what "guru" said. I also agree with a lot of what you responded with. I know if it was me in the situation, and I found out that my child's Dad's gf/so was expecting, well, I'm not sure how I would react. But hey, I'm a girl and sometimes girls are psycho :D
I totally agree that it is/should be about your relationship with A. Even if you have to pretend, when she's over and talking about it or whatever, pretend that it is the most wonderful thing that has happened in your life. When she's older and thinks back on certain events that took place, and how you handled them (when she was around anyway) she'll totally admire you, especially when she's old enough to realize how hard certain stuff probably is/was on you.
It's such a weird/crappy/sad situation to be in though. Kudos to you on being a "big boy". I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. But hey, I'm a girl, and well, you know :D
Holly crap, Guru!!! Look at what you did!!!
All your long posts are contagious!!!
You got lisa bisa mona lisa posting long un's too!!!!!
...anks-thay for the udos-Kay though, isa-lay :)
its ok..i will tell her to call me mike and not daddy... damn, your ex-wife was a hellcat in bed...
Did she try the whole "Lets shove *this* up your ass!" thing on you too?
I thought that was the last Girlfriend, not the EX... :s
You are way to into your ass, pinky. :|
Maybe you need to change the TYPE of GF's your into... :P
You mean like "Stay away from the ones that are crasy."?
Yes. Just like that.
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