"You've found the princess....she's in another house...go away...."

Song Of The Moment

I've discovered computer gaming again. More to the point, videogame "emulating". For those of you who are not in the know, "emulating" is the act of making a program that "acts" like a video game system. Nintendo, Sega....even Atari have PC emulators. And I have re-discovered them all. Yup, I have successfully installed a Nintendo emulator, a Genesis emulator, a Super Nintendo emulator, an Atari emulator AND, my more recent add....a Nintendo 64 emulator!!

I am amazed and kind of disturbed that the systems that I had paid more then 100 dollars for back in the day are NOW obsolete, since anyone with an internet connection can download the program that runs them and basically ALL the games they could ever want for them, for free. I have played in the course of this week alone Castlevania for the NES, Sonic the Hedgehog for the Sega Genesis, Yoshi's Island for the SNES and even tinkered around with Defender for the Atari! Cost paid for these artifacts? Zero.

The humour value can be high with emulating as well. When I was installing the N64 emulator, I did not have the proper plugins installed to play it right off. Little did I realize what it would look like when I booted it up for the little one just today, only to have our hero, Mario, pop out of his 3-D tube, without arms or legs. Yup, just a floating bouy on air he was. We laughed like LOONS!
After messing around with it enough, we had poor Mario "floating around" with no facial hair and eye-less!! It was a riot. And all for free. Yup, gotta love the interweb!






Ciao

Toggle the Hold switch on and off.

Song Of The Moment

So I think I'm slowly starting to lose my mind. The more I look around at work, the more it is starting to resemble an insane asylum. Walking to the lunch room, I pass by a lady, repeating to herself over and over "Old people do NOT need an iPod...old people do NOT need an iPod..." Sitting in the smoke shack, you can almost guess the first thing everyone has to say "I just had this caller...." or "My *last* call was weird"... or "I hate iPods" etc etc. I think I have gotten over the initial 'I think I'm cracking up" stage, however, when I sit at my desk and listen, I no longer hear the mantra 'ipod ipod ipod ipod' over and over like I used to. Now, I hear people talking out of the phone. Sometimes I understand what they say, and sometimes I say a few words back into the mic, just to acknowledge my presence. "Ipod needs resetting" is usually a good line to say at any given time...buys you about 2 minutes of "My mind is now a turnip" time, with which I can sit and ogle the girls sitting in the cubicles across from me.

Basically, I can sum up almost every call I get in the run of a day in 4 major categories.
1. My iPod is scratched/dented/runned over by a semi and I DEMAND a new one, coz Apple cares.
2. I own a HP ipod and do not have that support line number.
3. I live in Canada and do not have the Canadian support line number.
4. I am stupider then a bag of hammers and need help pushing 2 buttons on this thing I paid almost 300 dollars for.

Its interesting analyzing the typical "Phone Support Customer" though. So much so that I have started running a personal experiment. Nightly I have been dialing a random 1-800 #, just to see what I can get out of it. So far nothing but it's a test still in the works, really. In case you're wondering though, 1-800 THERAPY is NOT a legit toll-free # from PEI.







Ciao

There's a problem with the printer.

Song Of The Moment

So, a friend of mine bought a printer, After installing the software and using the printer, she discovered that the "AutoVoice" (the selected voice clips used when the printer has started "Printing Started!", when the printing is complete "Printing Complete!, etc etc.) sounds like me....

Now, personally, I do not know if I should feel complimented, insulted or ripped-off. Having a celebrity voice is cool....but starring on a Printer CD Installation won't win me any Oscars, dammit!! Anyways, in trying to accept this new "Psuedo-Printer" me, I made a techno song about it. *Note to self : Find a legal copy of FruityLoops 3*

In other news, I recently sent out one of those "spam" emails. The one that asks the responder to send back ONE WORD that best describes me. Normally, I don't like replying to spam but this one seemed interesting enough. The words I got back intrigued me even MORE!

Para said "Unique" : meaning I'm one of a kind, I guess (good thing, eh?)
My old girlfriend said "fun" : which can mean many things, considering...
LadyMoon said "enticing" : meaning I cause others to think (*not always* a good thing)
Charmsie said "Original" : nothing worse then having a FAKE, is there *checks id*
A fellow co-worker said "hobo" : meaning I do tech support and have a fridge full of condiments!

...and in response to Ivanas reply ... "I think fuckoff is supposed to be two words"

Imagine the dating ad I could create JUST OUT OF THESE ONE WORD QUIPS??!!
"Unique, enticing, fun and original hobo seeking romance. Fuckoff"






Ciao

I'd say all the words that I know

Song Of The Moment

My ex-wife is pregnant. My little girl informed me of this last weekend. "Mommys going to have a baby, Daddy!" How am I supposed to react to this? Seriously. No one out there, reading this, can honestly come up with a logical frame of mind to have. No one.



Do you say nothing and ignore the fact? No. My daughter is really excited about it. WHY would I pretend like it isn't happening? That would be foolish. Its happening. Accept it. Do I act excited and hurt myself inside by doing it, what with all the mixed emotions involved? For all out there that opt in to the belief that I dwell...please...this is not about dwelling. This is about heirarchy. My DAUGHTER is now learning about "Mothers and Fathers". I have to be part of this teaching. BUT, it also leads to another stage, one where there are 2 players. 2 actors. One of them original casted star. The other? The stunt double, lets say. In the end though, both are actors. Not *really* playing the part. Just reading lines from a script. A script I either lost or haven't written yet.

So, there I am. Standing by the open car door. Little one buckling her seat belt and then looking up at me, like she had just told me what she had for breakfast. I won't lie. The shock hit me momentarily. Images of her as a smaller child tried to flood their way into my mind, soaked with their melancholy flavours. Biting my lip, I said "Really? Wow, darlin'. Tell me all about it." And she did. Oh, did she ever. But it wasn't really about the "baby"....or about "Mommy".... she/we talked about Fathers and Daughters. How she looked at the pictures she has of me when Mommy told her. How she has one picture of me feeding her that she keeps up front. How she had seen pictures of what she looked like when she was in Mommy's belly. How, when her new brother or sister is old enough, she wanted to explain to him/her where she goes every weekend...to see her real daddy. That she wanted to ask her new sibling if they wanted to come over to visit me too.

My little girl was sent from heaven, I swear....






Ciao

you don't know my face at all

Song Of The Moment

I am worried about what kind of world my little girl is going to grow up in. She doesn't understand it yet, but the world I see is not the "rainbow and butterfly" world she has.... its bitter and cold, scheming and deceptive. I hope she holds onto her world for as long as she possibly can. I hope that being her Dad means I can live in her world more than this one I take part in every day. I hope that I can do what I can to make this blackened reality a little better for her. I hope I can teach her, like my Mother taught me, that she has to be strong, but not so strong as to destroy something beautiful in the makings.


Work is work. I walk people through how to fix their technical problems on their computers and sell them protection for the future. I take their money and filter it through the organization so it can make more problems for us to fix. And the circle of wealth continues, as the person sitting at the desk beside me explains to little julie that if she gets her Daddy to pay 59$, all her problems will be fixed up. Then the guy beside me explains how he can't afford to pay his light bill because he has to spend it on car insurance. At least his dome light still works....

I watched at the bars, as the gold-diggers target their prey, the drunken socialites who take them home, feed their need and supply them with the hope that their scheming ways are justified by titling everything as "love". I watch the drunken drunks sloop on their stools, wondering aloud why they can't take that beauty home. I laugh inside, knowing that they can't because they have suffered enough.

Even after watching goldmines go slipping through the eye of a needle and great minds get snapped by the single hair of a woman, after selling my soul and saying its for "the greater good" as I watch my castles crumble....after all of that, I still have hope that its all for something. That good will win and evil wil lose, like in my little ones fairy tales. I have faith. I am not an unthinking machine.









Ciao

Butterfly Angels & Baby Grapes

Song Of The Moment

Re-posted for Valentines Day (originally drafted in Sept. 2005)



"Once upon a time, there was a lonley man. He lived alone, he worked alone and he slept alone. He was happy in the thought that he was doing things on his own, though, and did not realize how lonley he was. One day, the man met a beautiful woman who lived far, far away. He thought, at first, that she was different from most people and loved talking to her. But soon, they were talking all the time, falling asleep on the phone together, sending each other little notes for each other... they were in love. The woman had children and, once the man met them, it was love at first sight. The man had a child as well, but did not see her all the time. Because of this, he was unsure of his feelings for the girls children. He knew he cared for them but was afraid to show it. As well, they lived far, far away from each other and could not see each other as much as they wanted to.
"One day, the two decided to live with each other. They spent weeks happily packing things together and traveling it to the womans place. The thought of being with each other more brought peace to the mans heart and he was not alone anymore. He had someone to love...."

This is where, traditionally, the story ends with an "and they all lived happily ever after."

Unfortunately, this is a new age fairy tale,and must continue as such...

"One day, the man got jealous. He wanted to be with the woman more and more, and when he wasn't with her, he thought the worst was happening. He wanted to talk to the woman...but he didn't. He felt like his world, this new world of happiness, was slowly unraveling underneath him.
Soon, the two started fighting....and the love disappeared. The man moved back to whence he came and the woman stayed where she was. After some time, the man realized what a mistake he had made and tried to get back together with the woman. But she was hurt by the man and did not want him to hurt her anymore. This hurt the mans' heart and he grew sad. He missed her and he missed out on allowing his feelings for her to show."

This story is unfinished...as is so many others in this world...............................


....love doesn't disappear just like that. It fades, sometimes silently, sometimes violently.....but it doesn't just stop. Happy Valentines day to all whom have none.






Ciao

pre-occupied without you

Song Of The Moment

I don't think people fully understand the "passage of time" more then the single Dad. To most, time flows by unnoticed...days turn into months into years fluidly, without a thought or a regret. To the few Dads who don't see their kids as much as they want, who didn't really choose their new lifestyle of being "the guy the kids visit", the concept of time is more *real*. Time is your enemy. It is a four-legged hunter, following behind you, teeth gnashing, waiting for you to slow down...or stop.

Everyone gets lonely at times. No escaping that little fact o' Life. Lately though?.... I dunno. Life has been filtered for me and the way I see it. Maybe its my new role in Life, my new career, new perspectives, new goals?.... again, I don't know *why* it is like it is. I just know that it *IS*. What I have to figure out now is whether this new view on things I have is a positive thing or a negative thing. I would love to have the unhampered view-points of last year. But "Time" passed by, and now, I see those views with the filtered vision of a man looking back down the road he's walked. All I have left of those views are stories and lessons.

I wrote this in response to one persons question "What was the ONE event that made you who you are today?" It seems to fit into my current mental frame-set somehow, so, I will print it here for me to remember....

Ok, seeing as how others have written such things that have made my mind explore their dark realms and fears, I too shall set off on this journey..... take my hand, will you?....I hate walking this road by myself....
Recognize this yard? This is my old backyard, from way back in 1999. Nice isn't it? See that swing set? I built that with my own 2 hands. Yeah, its kinda off-centre, but *I* made it. Amber loves running out and swinging on it, more then that old sand box we got for her. Whats that on the tree? Those are old cd's. They distract the crows from the bird-feeder. Something flashy they see and when they swoop down to snatch it, the cd is all they can get at. I got creative and tied up Black crows, Sheryl Crowe.....pretty funny eh?
Oh wait! Look! Here I come! Its kinda dark out but can you see how well I jumped off the porch and went rushing across the yard? There I go, running for the edge of the backyard, where the nicely mowed grass leads off into the wildly, over-grown field. I'm stopping by the edge and kneeling down in the long grass..... and there I go, screaming.

"NO!! GOD WHY?!?"

Wow, I had quite a set of lungs, didn't I? What am I screaming at, you may ask? Well, can you see the basement light on in the house? See that shadow walking up the basement stairs? Thats my ex wife. She just told me she didn't love me anymore. Now, she is going back upstairs to check on amber before she goes to bed. I will stay out here, screaming for a while at the sky and then just huddled up in a ball int he grass. Then, I will slowly go back inside, where I will sit on the couch til morning, and my ride to the factory, comes.
Lets leave, ok? We've seen all we can see here. You don't need to hold my hand anymore. In fact, if you can find your own way back, I think I might stay here for a while. This place seems more like home to me right now, ok?







Ciao

I believe in ERROR 404

Remind me again *WHY* I signed up for a free Spymac account? Was it because of the so-called "free webspace" thingy? Was it because it seemed like a professional and sociable service, with reviews all over on how "HighTech" they were? Was it because I *LIKED* the number 404 so much?

I'd opt for the last option, myself. Don't get me wrong though. For almost a FULL 5 MONTHS, Spymac served me well, providing what they had promised in the first place, "Free Web Hosting". I uploaded at a whim...if there was something I wanted to show off, *BAM* it was online. I used my website as a portal to all the other sites I frequented. And it gave me a chance to get creative with FrontPage and DreamWeaver as well.

But then, it all went sour. One day, I couldn't connect. I let it be, thinking it was *MY* fault...that maybe the PC I was on was having network issues. Next day, same thing. I went to the spymac support page and found a lovely little post titled "I can't connect to my disc/server". ALMOST 3 MONTHS LATER AND I AM STILL CHECKING THIS THREAD FOR UPDATES ON WHEN I CAN GET ACCESS TO MY SITE BACK!!! I was successful in verifying my account though. It seems Spymac had some "minor server problems" (Major Crash is how it was described just recently by ONE of the only TWO tech support people working for this site), and everyone lost access to their accounts. Spymac is boasting that it is the oldest mac community online, with a public audience of a few hundred thousand people. .... AND ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN TECH SUPPORT!!! After the nightmare of verifying (SMS codes to cell phones, sending 1.19 payment to them through Paypal, emailing them day after day after day for more info), it happened.


I got "THE EMAIL".

Dear DividableFiend,
Thank-you for taking the time to verify your account with Spymac.
Your access to your 1GB of storage space should be back online soon. We
appreciate your contributions to the community and involvement with Spymac.
For help on how to access your files, see the following help topic:
http://www.spymac.com/support/article.php?postid=52
Enjoy your online experience with Spymac. For further assistance, please contact
http://by7fd.bay7.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/compose?curmbox=9CDFA3B3-1317-
426A-B48D93859DFB81B9&a=b3a810d3362a5ca0c26bc613370c5b5a545d2192ce17d0
4f2fe89f04e11d9564&mailto=1&to=techsupport@spymac.com&msg=DD1150F3-DA21-
4C09-8A50-DD5FD87DB4E8&start=0&len=1343&src=&type=x
Sincerely,
The Spymac Team

I rushed to the computer, entered in my old password and I was back IN!!! ... but, everything was GONE!!! ... Oh well, I said. At least I can start uploading again. So what if I have to re-build my entire site again. Hey! I needed to update it anyways, right?

So, off I go to my FrontPage and DreamWeaver, Starting from scratch and making some pretty good starter pages. I upload ONE PAGE...ONE!!!...and all of a sudden I get error messages.

ACK!

Back to my good old "I connect to my disc/server" thread I go...only to discover that the entire spymac site is GONE! ERROR 404'ed!!!

My deduction? After getting all our cash, the TWO Tech guys unplugged their 386 and disconnected the dial-up modem, caught a bus for Bangladore and left all us "Spy's" in the dark.
maybe I'm wrong.... but if I am, then I deserve something free for all this. HELL, THATS WHAT I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING IN THE FIRST PLACE. ...and yes, I know. "Nothings Free"...but does this mean I spent 1.19$ to upload one page?...that I can't even SEE anymore?
WOW! Am I *ever* enjoying "my Spymac experience"!! Kinda feels somewhat like getting done from behind!.....with a broken bottle!











Ciao

Some things just DON'T mix!!!

SITE OF THE MOMENT!!!
*song of the moment to return soon*

Notice whats missing in that window?

....look carefully....

NO SERVICE PACKS!!!



I never knew how important *having* updated software on your computer WAS until I got my new pc just recently. (How important AND how dramatic it can be without it). I got everything installed on the pc and tried to run a few simple programs.....DENIED!!! All required the 'All-Powerful, All-Knowing' SP2 to run. This is the struggle you have when you do NOT keep up with the Joneses.

Thats not the end of the story though.
In *TRYING* to download and install said Service Pack:
#1. It took over 3 hours to inspect my system, back up my files and actually download it
#2. After downloading it, 1 1/2 hours are required to INSTALL it!
#3. Ever try re-booting after doing a major update to your computer? Tack on another 1/2 hour to get it set up and running again (or maybe I need more RAM?)

In the end of it all, the pc is running fine but I am starting to think about alternatives. Working for Apple means using a mac all day.... and suffering from certain culture shocks as well
1. At home, I get the "Blue Screen of Death".
2. At work, I get the "Gay Pinwheel of Death".
So, I think, if the opportunity arises, I might get a mac. Great speed, awesome digital design.... but until then, I will have to endure the torturous trials of Windows.







Ciao

Tech Support For The Tech Support

Song Of The Moments Future Re-appearance is Being Researched As We Speak

So, I bought a new computer last payday. Its not a "brand-spanking" new pc, like I want, but it is definately faster then the one I had at the first of 2005. Along with it, a good friend of mine mailed me a google of computer-type-things (20Gb hard drive, cd burner, dvd drive, RAM, software etc.) and, with all that, my cheaply bought pc is actually a pretty impressive unit.





Getting it all installed however was another story.....

The friend who sent me all the stuff walked me through all the installations for the stuff and, well, lets just say, HE'S a far better tech support persona then *I* ever will be. After being on the other end of the tech support line, I now understand how much these people do. I am, after all, an idiot when it comes to computer "hardware". Give me an ipod and I'll walk all OVER it...but installing computer parts is (and can be) a painful process. Long story short, I now am the owner of an upgraded pc that, just this morning, was hooked up to the internet.

To go along with all that, I won a 100$ gift certificate to Future Shop at work the other day and am going "pc accessories" shopping tomorrow, to see if I can further accessorize this. Gravis pad for the little ones computer games, webcam for all my "camming experiences"..... whatever else strikes my eye I guess. And its all thanks to a little patience for the technologically dumb and some guy from Ontario who has WAY more patience then *I*.






Ciao

Fear Factor

Song of the Moment is gone....click here to complain

So, I've been in the process of re-building things. Getting my new place set up and liveable, getting the utilities needed set up as well (lights, phone, internet, etc.) and re-buying all those little things I lost during my Summer adventure (mobile phone, tv for the bedroom, spatula, that sort of thing). Even though the tech job I have now pays roughly 300$ more a month then my old job, I still find it a hassle to add in certain things to my bi-weekly shopping list. One of these things is tobacco.

Now, normally, that would be a big problem. I am completely addicted to smoking. I have only been able to quit for MAX of a week. When I am croaking for a cig, I cannot concentrate on anything other then "getting my next cig". Getting the "next cig" can be anything from bumming off someone to "rolling a cigarette out of butts". Disgusting and degrading but this is the case of most people whom are addicted to something.

I have always been concerned with cancer. Both my parents died of it. Both of my sisters have had it. Now, after working at a call centre for about 4 months, I have developed a weird "lump in my throat". I am not sure if this is because I am talking more now and my vocal cords are being strained or if it is a cancerous lump, possibly holding lung cancer and the loss of my voice. At this point, my paranoia has reached a peak. Bad enough that I made a doctors appointment to have it checked.

This makes me think about my past post as well, involving my old boss. He had quit smoking. Still has, as far as I know. Anyone with the will-power to quit an addictive chemical for more then a month has an A+ in my books...BUT...its how they quit that gets to me. Yes, quitting something leads to withdrawal and erratic behavior. I can understand that. But, if someone has quit for over a year, the cravings should be either abated or "dealt with". In other words, saying your crabby and mean BECAUSE you quit smoking a year ago doesn't fly.

In other news, I have been asked recently to make modifications to my blog, on account of certain things posted were meant for my eyes only. I have honored that request, in the hopes that in posting it in the first place, the person has learned what it sounded like by reading it over and over and over. I think they have....hell, I learned my lesson from the whole ordeal a long time ago. Now, if only I can learn the lesson of "Quitting something harmful being good for me".....







Ciao

2005 In Review

Song Of The Moment Has Been brought To You By The Ever Faithful Spymac Webserver

January 2005. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment, down the road from my daughter, working as a supervisor for a building cleaning company, owned a company truck, company cell....had a cat, a love for rum and an intrest in internet media. Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world, President George W. Bush was sworn in for a second term and Johnny Carson died. ... out with the old and in with the doob.

February - April 2005. After fighting a 6 month battle with my ex-wife over access for seeing my daughter, I get a court-ordered document signed, stating my rights and visitation times. It is a victory for me and for all that I had endured over the past 4 years. While I am celebrating this victory, no one else is celebrating the NHL's decision to cancel the entire season. As my court battle ends, so does Martha Stewarts and as my faith returns, Pope John Paul dies. Irony rules.

May - July 2005. I meet a girl from out of town when shooting pool with my "then boss". A one-time meeting turns into a romantic affair, as for the following months I move out of my little 2 bedroom and into her world "out of town", subsequentially leaving my supervisory position and finding "new" employment as a call centre agent. The following months are a dream. Meanwhile, Micheal Jacksons nightmare court battle ends and the nightmare-ish bombings in Londons subways begins.

August 2005. My romantic interlude with the out-of-town girl ends and the turmoil it ensues lands me with no place to live, no job and not much to show for my summer adventure. Ironically enough, elsewhere in the world, hurricane Katrina engulfs coastlines in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama. Storms come in all shapes and forms.

With the ending of the year, so comes an ending to old ways as well. Having moved from rooming with old friends (whom I had issues with) to "crashing" with someone else (not recommended), I now find myself working as technical support for Apple (thanks to my 1 week of call centre experience "out of town") and living almost exactly where I was living at the first of the year. I am getting paid more now then I was in January and, even though I may not have the vehicle I had back then, I am pursueing a field I *actually* have intrest in. All for all?...last year was "eventfull"....2006 should be better.






Ciao

Happy Birthday To Me

Song Of The Moment Has Been Cancelled ONCE AGAIN Because I Decided To Invest My Time In A FREE WebServer


Well, first off, today is my birthday. 33 years old and none the wiser. I gave myself a birthday present of having the phone and cable hooked up, so, this evening, when I get home, I'm chillaxing and getting caught up on my boobtoob.

Now, this is nothing like the birthdays of past. I can remember my 30th birthday. A friend of mine was back visiting from BC and he invited me and another close friend of mine out for "a few drinks"... As it seemed, the "few drinks" they had planned for me was 6 tequilla shooters, all lined up nice and pretty at the bar, followed by a few pitchers of beer. Of course, after shooting the tequilla, the beer more or less anchored me to the seat I had now found at a nearby table. The girls at the table didn't seem to mind me much, of course, I was pretty quiet at first, just trying to make sure the room didn't spin-too-much-type-deal.

Ok, so, next thing I remember, I was in the bathroom, wondering how I got into the bathroom. I wasn't *using* the bathroom...just standing there, in front of the garbage can. Next thing I remember?....telling some guy I had never met before that I thought his shirt looked "girly" and then laughing because it was....next thing I remember?....the floor of a yellow cab, up close. Let me tell ya, ew. Aside from falling through the door of the roommates house, stating to my friend, whom had abandonded me, that "I was goin to sleep where I fall" and passing out on the stairs, that was my birthday.

So, in closing?...I think celebrating my 33rd birthday at home, with NO alcohol present is *probably* for the best...at least I'll know where I'm sleeping.







Ciao

Welcome to Winter 2005

Song Of The Moment Has Been Temporarily Cancelled Due To My Webserver Being Down


My favorite Christmas memory was back in 2000, when my little girl came over for Christmas. It was the first (and only, to date) time she spent Christmas with me and the memories of it are still fresh in mind, like it was yesterday.

We both stayed up late, watching Christmas cartoons and setting up *traps* for Santa, and it wasn't until about 11:30 that she finally fell asleep, hugging her Christmas stocking tightly. After putting her to bed, I did the *Dad* thing and filled the stocking, lined the underneath of the tree with "Santa's presents" and sat back with a plate of ol' HoHos' cookies and watched the lights on the tree flicker on and off. Frankie sang about how he would be home for Christmas on the radio and I thought "Wow, I'm home." This was the first apartment I had rented since My wife and I had seperated and I was surprised at how at home I felt.

This is how it is supposed to be at Christmas though. You are supposed to be with your family. Only with your closest loved ones at this time of year can you feel the true spirit of the season.
I feel bad for all the people in the world without *families* to be with at this time of year. I used to think I was one of those people, lost and alone with no one to express anything to. I kind of remember that feeling to *this* day, answering technical calls to people and hearing that lost sound in some of their voices. Makes me wonder how some people keep on "keeping on", especially at this time of year when everything is supposed to be "holly jolly"...or at least "Christian".

To end this Yuletide blog entry, I want to share something I found on a computer that was given to me as a "Moving In/Christmas gift". Its Christian theme and the sadness attached kind of sums up the holidays, sadly, for so many.


It Had Come To This

It is here
at the end of everything
that I may best analyze the course of yesterdays long gone
those turns I'd taken
decisions I made
illusions I cherished
dreams that never fulfilled
so many hearts I've broken
and promises
that I knew I could never bring to pass

My family and all those I cherished helpless before me
I saw myself as a samaritan to those in need
thinking I could carry the entire world upon myself
and wondering why now the weight is too great to be borne

Now who is the one who may come and help that samaritan who became the abandoned wayfarer?
Laying in his blood and crowds are passing him by
without so much as noticing him
and giving such insignificant help
what that man requires is a complete blood transfusion
see how I have reached the limit
and I cannot go any further
yet I keep grasping for that forsaken ideal
and the more I extend my arms
the further away the goal carries itself further away from me

That I cannot heal that wound on my own
my strength has waned
and determination
will not last the fading day
see as I have not always seen
with those eyes of reality
the literal chains that bind me
see how inadequate I am
for this society made of morals, ethics, I was always denied

Overconfident
generous of that which i did not possess
dead on arrival
Christ never agreed to pay for that which I now owe
my soul I have sold for twice nothing
and told Satan to keep the change





Ciao (and Merry HoHo)

if I ever lose my mouth, I won’t have to talk...

Song Of The Moment

I'll start by telling you of my "walk" last week. I was up early last Friday to make the walk into town in order to pay some bills (a walk I hope NOT TO DO every 2 weeks, I might add!). My walk to town brought me by many familiar places, but, more so, it took me by every school I had attended in youth.

Firstly, Charlottetown Rural...my old high school. Walking by it, I remembered walking to the corner store across the highway to get lunch and rent video games for "afterschool entertainment". (Super Mario Bros 3...yeah baby! Castlevania and MegaMan.....NES, you served me well). When I think of all the people I knew from high school, they all feel so familiar to me still, even though I stopped talking to them all when we all went our seperate ways once we all graduated. Names like Donald MacDonald, Duanne Pound, Tracey Burke, etc....they still bring up familiar memories to me. Duanne calling me "Hugh Dog" for the full 3 years....still laugh when I think of it now

Next on my walk was my grade school, Sherwood Elementary. I walked past the 6 doors for that school and remembered how each Grade had a particular door. Grade 3 was my favorite grade, only because that door had TWO cross bars by it that you could climb up and do hanging acts off of it. I remember Donald daring me to climb up one and jump down. 3 days before I could go back to school after that one...

Lastly was the middle school, Stonepark Junior High, where I learned things like German, philosophy and such things that a kid my age just did not think of as useful at that time in my Life. .. MAN, I wish I had paid more attention in German class now, remembering the Kraus's, neighbours I had 6 years ago. It was here that I also FULLY discovered girls and also discovered that I was an awkward kid around them ... heh, good memories.

Anyways, getting back to my rambling here....after my walk to town, I went to work. An old school friend works here, coincidentally. Went out to have a cig and was talking to him. The topic turned into people we knew in High school. Steve works at the DVA building and was remarking on how many people we both knew from school tht he has seen at the DVA (yes, the DVA works with death incidents). He kept listing off names, names of people I still had fresh in mind, names of people who I joked with, names of girls I had a crush on,.... names.

Duanne Pound was killed in a windsurfing accident. He went too far out and the current got him,...pulled him under. He was only in his late 20's. Others died of cancer, vehicle accidents, etc. I guess, at that point, I was reminded of my own mortality, my own limited time on this earth. Thinking of this and also knowing that I lasted longer then quite a few people I went to school with does not make me feel accomplished. The opposite actually. I feel like I should do as much as I can with the time I have left before I become just another name for Steve to remark about as "not with us anymore"...another grave-maker beyond a burned bridge, so to speak...












Btw, was going to have "Alma Mater" by Alice Cooper as the song for this posting but, it just doesn't give the same meaning, the feeling of hopelessness at ones own destiny and the acceptance of it.

Ciao

What else should I be?

Song Of The Moment

In todays society, with its digital videos, cell phones and downloaded Christmas cards, people have stopped appreciating the simple beauty of a rose. Its fragrance goes unnoticed and its true meaning is lost. When did the paper-wrapped flower bouquet become replaced by an iPod?
In any case, I have always believed in giving roses to people who are special to me...but, just in case I forgot someone along the way, here is your rose.







This pink rose is for my ex-wife, Janet. It signifies my appreciation to her for not letting me destroy my relationship with my daughter when our marriage broke up. Her courage showed only as bitterness and anger to all around her, but, in the end, she has risen up and shown who she can be... strong for those that deserve it.

Thank you Janet.

This rose is for my first love, Tanya. So long have I known her...to this day, even though our paths have taken us away from each other, we can still laugh, talk and remember the good times with a smile. This rose signifies the friendship I have in her ... and the friend she will always have in me, regardless.


For my daughter, Amber, I give you this white rose. Your innocence has proven to me, time and time again, that no matter what the problem is, there's *always* a solution. Your love has kept me going for all these years and you don't even fully know this yet.

Here's your rose, sweetie...Daddy always loves you.


This flower might or might not ever have an owner. This rose is for the woman that captures my heart, never to let it go. I have given this rose to several people in my lifetime, only to discover that they deserved a different color. So for now?... this rose will stay with me, until that person crosses my path and decides to make it home.


This flower is laid on the ground, beside a stone in the country. I lay it there in the hopes that Mom will look down from Heaven and see it. I hope and pray she knew how grateful I am for all that she tried to teach me about Life and love. And I hope someday to see her again and show to her how much her teachings did for me.


This rose does not exist, but, its meaning holds true all the same. I give this flower to myself, on long dark days, when the sun refuses to shine in my heart...I will look at this rose and know that "anything is possible and even the unattainable can be reached."




~Ciao~




They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.
- Ernest Dowson, 1867 - 1900

Too many people making too many problems

Song Of The Moment

Election time is upon us again, apparently. There is alot of talk about it at work..."Christmas Election's going to spoil the holidays" is all that I hear now Isn't an election supposed to generate thoughts of "What can you do for me in the gov't?", not "Oh man! Why are you guys holding an election during Christmas?" I have YET to hear a members givings or what they can do for me if elected...only backstabbing. I was going to vote this year, now...I'm not too sure I will

Voting is a human right, the right to have someone appointed into a place of power and to make decisions that will, ultimately, affect the way we live. Not once have I voted and not been in favor of the persons standings...this year I have no one to favour. Why should I vote for someone if they are slandering someone else? And, as I said before, I haven't heard anything good yet from ANY candidate, no "I'll increase wages" or "I'll do something about the debt" or "Hell, I'll juggle fire-balls while whistling yankeedoodle". Personally, if I have to ask what you can do for this country, YOU aren't the person I am going to vote for. Thanks.

Its no wonder half the world is at war, isn't it? No one wants to make a difference: all we want to do now is muscle our way into power so we can relax with the big, fat paycheque that comes with the position. All good and fine I suppose....*I'd* do the same, if *I* were a slimy, political character, the sort that has no morals or scruples, the kind that lies somewhere inbetween mud-puddle scum and lawyers in the food chain. But I am not. *I* would NOT make for a good member of parliment. I know that I am not though. I think most of the candidates running should realize this about themselves and stop messing the rest of us around, while they get fat off of our short-comings.

Thats just the thoughts of one disgruntled non-voter though.





Ciao

its something unpredictable

Song Of The Moment

I am a big Stephen King fan...well, more or less. I'm not a fanatic, but I think his ideas are awesome. Just watched "The Langoliers" the other night and was reminded of his unique "thought processes".

First off, I'll give you some inside information on this movie...nothing special when it comes to cinematography, looks like it was "Made for TV" all the way. Acting can be lame in MANY spots and the "Special FX" at the end are nothing compared to todays standards. Ok, with *that* out of the way, let me fill you in on the guts of the movie.

The Langoliers is basically "What if Back To The Future was a horror movie?" Thats right, time travel...but with some interesting twists. Ever since Mr Speilberg turned Mr. Fox into a bigger star then he already was, people have had the idea that time travel was a realistic idea, that you could go back and see people and things that happened long ago. Well, what if "time" disappears after it happens, leaving nothing in its wake but a dead world, waiting to disappear? Would you really want to go back to 1955, only to see nothingness...darkness...a world where nothing exists anymore? This is how it is though, time is a monster that either hunts you down, runs beside you, teeth gnashing at your sides...or waits for you up ahead, with its claws out...so you better make the best of the run you have, 'cause there ain't much waiting for you at the finish line...

In the movie, most of the main characters have had something "in the past" that haunts them. .. or do they? Have they just stopped moving through time normally, wanting to rest in that time that haunts them because the time they are moving through is too painful for them? Some of them, yes, and when time goes by without you, you are left with a dead world to live in. *This* is why you can't live in the past, there's nothing there for you!...We all learn this in different ways, I suppose though, I know I have...

Anyways, thats my thoughts for the night. Time to get off the pc and do something productive.






Ciao

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see

Song Of The Moment

So, I was finishing the "unpacking" process...you know, where you *think* everything is put away but there's still that box in the corner that you have been using as an end table...*that* sort of thing....anyways, I was unpacking one of those boxes and came across several "love letters" from an old girlfriend of mine. Now, usually, I get melancholy very easily....such was the case with these. Re-reading the words of a lost-love is always hard....figuring out "what to do with them now" is even tougher.

I kind of realize I cannot just throw them away, seeing as how, at one point, they were meaningful. Thinking of this though reminds me of a convo I had had with an old love, when she had come across my "box of memories". You see, every guy has a shoebox....no really, its true! Now what the shoebox looks like is always different, but the fact that they have one to keep all those things that make them who they are remains the same. Mine is an old shoebox from the shoes I bought for my wedding, actually. Anyways, upon discovering it and going through it, she found old love letters from girls I had known and was wondering why I had kept them. I didn't really know how to answer her at the time, other then to tell her that "they meant something at the time and to throw them out when the love was gone meant that I was ignoring those times altogether". This troubled her, as it should....I loved "her", not this woman from the past, right?

Quick switch to present day

I now have letters from this woman, whom was wondering why I kept letters from another woman. Do I "keep them in my box of memories for another love to find" or do I dispose of them and forget that those times ever happened? Now, I realize that tossing out the actual material does not mean I am throwing out those memories, but, If I don't need to forget those times, why would I throw out the evidence of them? Shouldn't I respect the owner of these things properly? ... I have decided to mail them back to her. I will keep the memories where only *I* can see them...she can have the actual material to do with as she pleases. Sure, this sounds kinda mean, sending an "old love" old love letters (mean yet ironic)....but, really, its not meant that way. I am a stickler for keeping things in its place...and these things have no real place with me now, do they?

Maybe she will remember the question posed and realize the answer given....maybe....






Ciao

don't let the sound of your own wheels drive ya crazy

Song Of The Moment

Where to start....where to start..., well, I'm all moved in ... place is looking really good ... and I'm starting to notice those *little things* I forgot to take with me when I packed, such as dish cloths (damn dishes), extension cords (damn electronic applicances) and garbage cans (damn...uh...garbage??) In any case, its nice to be back on my own again. Upstairs neighbours are getting a nice "thank you" cake tomorrow for the cups of sugar borrowed the first few days (and to whomever left the coffee and the whitener in a bag on the doorknob yesterday, thanks!)

A friend of mine commented on an earlier blog that I should "live in the moment and see life as a journey, not a destination". Very true words. Last night, a co-worker gave me a kitten. Cute little thing too, meows like NO tomorrow .... even though, it was nice to come home and relax, watch some tv and just watch the kitten play. Nothing soothes the nerves more then watching kittens at play I have found. THATS taking things in the moment. I wasn't worried about what the next paycheque would give me, I wasn't worried about whether my little girl would do well at school (even though its always a concern)...all I was, was at peace with everything. I highly recommend it...just turn off that switch that controls all your stress levers and R-E-L-A-X!

Still, even though I spent time to "rejuvenate" the nerves, I crave some excitement (Thanks to Misses Mystery-Poster for intriguing my intrest in this blog just recently, btw)...and soon, I am going to have to bust out and do something fun...ppfftt, good luck being the start of winter and all. Maybe after I get my wheels (NEXT CHEQUE HOPEFULLY!!), I'll be more able to get out there and enjoy something that is not "kittie-petting" related. Til then, I guess I'll just be here, hanging around......










Ciao