So, I have a few mental friends at work. Now you see? ... to call them mental is an understatement and to try to fully explain how mental they are would be impossible. So? .. I am going to post here one of the random emails I have recieved from one of the head Technobos, as we have been called.WARNING! The content printed below may sicken, offend and make you truly re-think your eating habits. Continue at your own risk!
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Do you remember how we would often hit KFC on St. Peters road for lunch, not because we liked the food there but because of all the freaks that congregate there in search of greasy undercooked MSG over seasoned chicken? I don't think I have been back there since the last
time you and I went. ...until last night.
Last night when driving home I was fucking starving and not looking forward to chili again for the 14th time this week so I stopped in. This is what I saw:
As I got out of my car and walked to the door, I randomly looked into the drivers side window of an old rusted out tempo and made note of the fact the lower seat part of the driver's seat was completely destroyed, so much so that all the padding was worn away from the top and the springs and metal frame of the seat where showing.
As I walked into the vestibule where the inner door interfaces with the outer doors there was a bit of a smell. It was different then the chicken grease type smell you would expect from a greasy chicken place it was more "spicy". The smell itself had a bit of an aftertaste to it. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, but it was unpleasant. Upon entering the waiting area in front of the counter, the smell intensified by at least 816% and became very, very unpleasant. There
was this woman standing infront of the counter trying to decide what she wanted to eat, the smell was coming her....
I need to paint a picture of this woman as I feel its relevant for you to relate to the situation I was in. She was about 5.5 feet tall and of "large" build especially in the ass area. Her ass was the widest part of her and lasted until the middle of her back and stuck out about 10" on each side of her body. Her black sweat pants where pulled all the way up so the waste band was sitting a little higher then mid back so it was over the top of her ass. She had a long sleeve shirt which was tucked into her pants. I then made the connection, the white trash sedan outside was hers and she had committed war crimes against its drivers seat with her freakishly large ass.The worker at the counter, I could tell he smelt her also. He was waiting with an odd look on his face for her to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat. she stood there shifting her weight between one leg then the other for a good 5 mins with her pointer finger of
her left hand to her lips as she was thinking. I could tell she was shifting her weight between her legs because whatever leg she had her girth on, that butt cheek was tensed up and less flabby and stuck an additional 1.5 inches higher then the non weighted leg.
I realized she was going to take a while because she was obviously a little slow and I wanted to distance myself a little from the smell so I backed off and stood over by the condiment area while she made up her mind and ordered.
I decided to check out the other "people" eating there. There was a table full of them, a family group which consisted of a mum, dad, sister, brother and baby. They where all feasting from a bucket (eating from a bucket is so fucking sal) except for the brother. He looked to be about 7 or 8, 9 max. I watched them and studied them all. Other the the fact they where having a family dinner out of a bucket and the brother wasn't eating anything they looked like a relatively normal family. They all seemed to be in good humor except for the brother who was more or less just watching them eat. I assumed this family belonged to the other vehicle parked outside. A late 1990s ford minivan which looked fairly respectable but on closer inspection the front end was malformed. It had been in some sort of altercation and looks like the put a new grill in it but just bashed the sheet metal back into place with a rubber mallet without doing any real bodywork. Needless to say I now categorized the van as "defective" and decided to have a closer look at the family it belonged to, there has to be more to this.
The brother who wasn't eating then said something quietly to the mother and she said "oh ok, don't worry" or something like this. She put down her bucket food and got a can out of herhandbag. The father said something inaudible and then went back to stuffing his face. The can the woman took out of her hand bag was about the size of a can of coke and had a blue and white label. She sat the can on the table. She then pulled the kid's shirt up and low and behold there was a fucking tube coming out of his abdomen... The mother took a cap off the tube and attached it to a fitting on the can then turned the can upside down. The tube wasn't clear so I couldn't see what color whatever goo came out of it was or how quickly it came out etc. I wish I could give these details because those are the things I was wondering about in my head. I seriously considered pulling up a chair to the family's table and start interviewing them each about this tube. Where does it go? Why does your kid have it? Did you shake him when he was a baby or something? Do you people realize your eating a family dinner out of a bucket? What is your income level? Has you kid ever pulled the tube out? Why didn't you fix your van properly? Do you eat out of buckets often? Are you aware both your son and the rest of you people are all eating out of cylinders of some type? Did you know your son has a fucking tube sticking out of him?
I had to stop staring at this because I was afraid I would start to look like a pedophile or something checking out their kid so I forced myself to look away and check on the large assed mammoth at the counter. She was just now ordering, a massive amount of food. She stood aside and I had to walk and stand within the scent cloud and order my food.
When I was waiting for my food I had to stand across the ordering area from the ass monster. I checked out the front of her. She had a gunt and a bit of a cameltoe from the pulled to pants. She had a fat face with fur on her upper lip and glasses. She looked friendly and smiled at me. I smiled back and she said in a non retarded or delayed type voice "Looks like winter is coming, I sure hope my oil costs don't go up this year like they did last". I was expecting delayed and/or retarded sounding dribble to come out of her mouth but she sounded semi intelligent and well spoken. I smiled back and also commented on the price of oil last year. Her stench at this point was almost putting me off my food. I was standing a good 10 feet from her. We stood facing each other awkwardly for about 5 mins while the KFC robots made her massive order and mine at the same time. We both got our food at the same time and just as I turned to walk out, she barged infront of me and headed for her car. I caught her stink wave at full
bore and I made a face it was so awful. I noticed as she walked she had a bit of an amble. Like a well practiced limp.
Just as I was walking out I noticed the cylinder feeding white trash family with the minivan was getting ready to leave. The Tube boy was standing up trying to be funny and get attention by doing a little dance. In one hand he was holding his can with the tube still attached. He was dancing with the can in his hand attached to the tube the same way someone would dance with an mp3 player in their hand with headphones attached to their ears.
I left got in my car and stayed there without going anywhere because I wanted to watch the bucket feasting family with tube boy get into their van. They all came out of KFC, the tube boy still dancing with his can and the others ignoring him. Before they piled into the van there was a bit of confusion because apparently some of it's doors don't open. Its sliding doors where apparently non operational and also had light body damage to them. the mum and dad got in the front doors and one of them popped the trunk lid and all the kids climbed in the back, over the last row of seats and got seated. The tube boy was last to get in the back and closed the trunk lid from the inside. He did it very well as if that is his assigned job when ever they need to all get into the van. The dad backed out of their spot and drove off.
What had just happened....? KFC was now completely empty of customers. I drove half way home in a daze and realized I could still taste/smell that large assed woman. I was trying to decide what the smell was. I realized what it was once I got home. It smelt like dirty, sweaty
underwear magnified about 964% combined with the smell that comes off bacon when cooked mixed with the smell of canned peas.
So thats the latest KFC experience. You should eat there in the next few days. See if you have any sightings. Report them to me if you do. haha.
