October 4, 2014

2 days til your birthday darlin. If I said I didn't miss you, it'd be a lie. I miss you every moment of the day. Back when I was a younger man and you just a baby, I made a promise to love you and keep you safe. Time flows on so quickly and I never know what tomorrow might bring. But the memories from all those yesterdays help me to smile. "Silly Dad" you'd always say and laugh. I'm glad I chose to be your Dad and I hope your day is filled with smiles and laughter and everything you wish for.

September 14, 2014

There, I purged it all out
Went for a walk in the cool night air
and went over everything again
with Roger singing to me about rabbits and Time.
I made peace with each chapter of the story as best as I could,
feet treading the pavement treadmill.
I tried each case before myself as Judge
and condemned or commended myself for each one.
Maybe now tomorrow will be fresh and new, the adventure I wanted,
without the guilt and shame of yesterday aging it before its' Time.

Ciao

Oct 6th, 2013

Tomorrow is my Daughters birthday. She'll be turning 15 this year. I haven't seen her since for about a year and a half now.

... no, she hasn't been abducted or kidnapped. I just haven't seen her since 2012. I might get the courage enough to try to call her tomorrow. Just scared her Mom will answer the phone and yell/laugh at me.

I want to write more than this that but it's hard to keep talking about it.

....... be right back, ok?







Now it's tomorrow. Skipped work because of a "family emergency". I want to call but I'm afraid of what may be. Accidentally dialed the number as I was walking by the kitchen and heard the automated voice telling me the number was not in service. I wish I could just go out to her new house and knock on the door but her Mom will just scream and yell at me. So I sent her an email.




Hi _____. It's your Dad. Happy Birthday!!

Tried to call your phone but the message said the phone was not in service. Maybe you got a new phone for your birthday? :D


Maybe we can hangout again sometime? I really miss seeing you. I'm sorry if you don't know what to say to me. It can be something simple like "Hi" :)


I still have a present for you, if you want it.






Love you _____,




Dad






Maybe I should just let go of what can't be changed. Accept what is now. If all I can do is send her an email, then that's what I can do. I won't ever forget that I have, not had, HAVE a daughter. And someday she's going to need me. I better be ready for when that day comes.







And today is two days later. I got promoted at work, today is my day off and, most importantly, the world did not end. Not seeing my daughter is rough. Thinking about it all the time is not healthy and is what is bringing me down. I haven't forgotten that I have a daughter, I am getting ready for when I see her again.

Walk out the door. Don't turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore.

Song of the Moment

Another year passes. Things change every day. Everything I had is either gone or slowly slipping away. Except myself. I am still here.

My old job of 8 years vanished. They are missing out. My friends? Most of them vanished. A few are still around, virtually anyway. Family seems as distant as mars. Had to move from the place I called home for 8 years as well because of a former friend being selfish and unthinking. Oh well, you know what? I'M STILL HERE!!

What have I been doing lately? My #1 hobby of late has been converting old VHS tapes to digital and uploading old commercials I have found to my YouTube channel. Shameless self-promotion alert!


HughTube





I've also started playing some of my old video game consoles. Getting hooked on Super Mario Bros 3 for the NES and Resident Evil 4 for the Gamecube (even if Professional mode was probably not a good decision to try to accomplish).

Working at yet ANOTHER CALL CENTRE. But, it's only out of need for income. I am still looking for something better that won't make me any more jaded towards people. Because there is good out there yet to be found, I am sure of it.

Living with a very very good friend of mine. She has been one of the only people that has stuck around during the past few tumultuous years and has proven to be someone who actually cares bout me, even if on FB we're "complicated".

Haven't heard from my daughter for over a year though, and that is starting to really bring me down. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that nothing will change the fact that I am her father, even if I never see her again. I hope the latter changes however. I miss seeing her alot.

Ok, that's it for me for now.

Ciao

If I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat.

Song of the Moment

It's been a year or so since I've rambled on this blog. I spent the past year and a half on a "Grand Adventure", or so my fortune cookie told me in late 2010, sitting in that Chinese resteraunt with friends who by now have either moved on in their lives or have turned their backs on me. I went through unbelievable high's and inevitable low's. I lived a movie. But like every movie, it had to end.

Today, I am not the same man I was when I opened that fortune cookie. I'm a little more beaten up & used … but a little smarter for it all. I've seen and done so much … all I can do is try to learn from it all.

Am I disgusted with myself? Yes .. yes I am. It wasn't worth the end. I gave up everything for that movie of a Life. I pushed everyone and everything away. I lost myself. My fake world quite literally collapsed in front of my eyes.

Lately, I've been asking people "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Most people confess to mean acts done to others: "Once, I put tacks on someones seat in Sunday school." … things like that.

The worst thing I ever did was push away everything I had for something I never had. 

I miss you Amber.

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Song of the Moment

Who am I? I know everything about all I have done and achieved, succeeded and failed at, ... but I sometimes get stuck on that question. Am I here to find the meaning? Or am I the meaning? Much like the ones I hold close to my heart give me meaning.

I've given of myself and reaped the rewards. I've selfishly kept things and suffered the full circle. One thing remains ... the beauty of it all. Each day I wake up, it's out there waiting for me. Seeing a stuffed & brightly-colored giraffe doll at the gas station and making it dance. Watching the birds eating crackers off the ground. Hearing the laughter from some far off place and thinking how it sounds like your own. Pictures and cards and notes that all say the same thing, ... "breathe me in and enjoy Life".

Remember, don't always think of when it will end, because it might someday. Not tomorrow, but someday, it just might. So today? Roll down the car windows as you re-live your special moments in your head and shout for joy as you drive by those places where the memories were started. And expect more, ... because the more you take in, the more you create for yourself and for others.

Be someone. Make something of yourself. Do everything you can. Love like you're not afraid of it hurting. Live like you've found Forever.

I know who I am. I'm the guy with the smile on his face, ... because he found Forever :)


















Ciao

Momma will wait up until you get in

Song of the Moment

"Hey Mom."

She's sitting in her recliner in the livingroom, glass of wine in her hand. "How is everything going?" she asks, kissing me on the cheek.

"Alot of Time has passed, Mom. I got married." I sit down on the couch I used to play fort behind, old weathered couch cushions.

"Oh, where is she? Is she still in the car?" "

"No Mom, we sold that car a few years after we got married. We're not together anymore."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Hughie. Are you ok?"
"We had a Daughter. We named her Amber"
"I'm so proud, Hughie. Is she with you, ... Amber?"
"No, she's in school. She started Junior High a few years ago. She's really sweet, Mom. I know you'll like her alot."

I take out a faded picture from my wallet and show it to her. It's Amber in Grade 6, smiling so wide with 3 of her baby teeth missing."She looks like you.. she has your eyes."
"Thanks Mom. I'm trying hard to be a good Dad, but sometimes I don't know."
"You're doing ok, Hughie. Are you still on your own? Raising her by yourself?"
"No. She lives with her Mom. It's hard not seeing her all the time, but, I think she's happy. And that's what matters, right?"
Mom winks. "Yep, that's all that matters."
Mom takes a sip of her wine. I look over to the door, to the vase full of plastic flowers. Some of them are real now, with their petals drooping into the others. Coating the tops of the flowers is a thin crust of snow.
"You never answered my question though. Are you ok?"

"Yes Mom. My little girl knows her Daddy loves her and I have someone special in my Life now."
"Are you sure? You thought the last one was someone special. How do you know she is?"

I look out the livingroom window, trying to find the right words.
"I don't know how to explain it right. She makes me smile without doing a thing. When I think about her, it's like someone pulled a warm blanket over me ....... ", I look away from the window and smile at my Mother, "She makes me believe in magic again, Mom"
"Well, that is good. You deserve someone special."
I get up from the couch. "I have to go now, Mom. I'll see you again though, ok?"

"Ok, Hughie. I love you."
I reach out and hug her, closing my eyes and letting myself be hugged. "I love you too, Mom".

When my eyes open, it's morning. Snow is lined up on the windowsill, making things brighter then they should be. But things are bright and I smile against the cold morning, because everything is ok.