This Is Not Your Blog

We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

2011-06-19T01:15:00.003-03:00

Song of the Moment

Who am I? I know everything about all I have done and achieved, succeeded and failed at, ... but I sometimes get stuck on that question. Am I here to find the meaning? Or am I the meaning? Much like the ones I hold close to my heart give me meaning.

I've given of myself and reaped the rewards. I've selfishly kept things and suffered the full circle. One thing remains ... the beauty of it all. Each day I wake up, it's out there waiting for me. Seeing a stuffed & brightly-colored giraffe doll at the gas station and making it dance. Watching the birds eating crackers off the ground. Hearing the laughter from some far off place and thinking how it sounds like your own. Pictures and cards and notes that all say the same thing, ... "breathe me in and enjoy Life".

Remember, don't always think of when it will end, because it might someday. Not tomorrow, but someday, it just might. So today? Roll down the car windows as you re-live your special moments in your head and shout for joy as you drive by those places where the memories were started. And expect more, ... because the more you take in, the more you create for yourself and for others.

Be someone. Make something of yourself. Do everything you can. Love like you're not afraid of it hurting. Live like you've found Forever.

I know who I am. I'm the guy with the smile on his face, ... because he found Forever :)

Ciao

Momma will wait up until you get in

2011-04-21T10:47:00.003-03:00

Song of the Moment

"Hey Mom."

She's sitting in her recliner in the livingroom, glass of wine in her hand. "How is everything going?" she asks, kissing me on the cheek.

"Alot of Time has passed, Mom. I got married." I sit down on the couch I used to play fort behind, old weathered couch cushions.

"Oh, where is she? Is she still in the car?" "

"No Mom, we sold that car a few years after we got married. We're not together anymore."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Hughie. Are you ok?"
"We had a Daughter. We named her Amber"
"I'm so proud, Hughie. Is she with you, ... Amber?"
"No, she's in school. She started Junior High a few years ago. She's really sweet, Mom. I know you'll like her alot."

I take out a faded picture from my wallet and show it to her. It's Amber in Grade 6, smiling so wide with 3 of her baby teeth missing."She looks like you.. she has your eyes."
"Thanks Mom. I'm trying hard to be a good Dad, but sometimes I don't know."
"You're doing ok, Hughie. Are you still on your own? Raising her by yourself?"
"No. She lives with her Mom. It's hard not seeing her all the time, but, I think she's happy. And that's what matters, right?"
Mom winks. "Yep, that's all that matters."
Mom takes a sip of her wine. I look over to the door, to the vase full of plastic flowers. Some of them are real now, with their petals drooping into the others. Coating the tops of the flowers is a thin crust of snow.
"You never answered my question though. Are you ok?"

"Yes Mom. My little girl knows her Daddy loves her and I have someone special in my Life now."
"Are you sure? You thought the last one was someone special. How do you know she is?"

I look out the livingroom window, trying to find the right words.
"I don't know how to explain it right. She makes me smile without doing a thing. When I think about her, it's like someone pulled a warm blanket over me ....... ", I look away from the window and smile at my Mother, "She makes me believe in magic again, Mom"
"Well, that is good. You deserve someone special."
I get up from the couch. "I have to go now, Mom. I'll see you again though, ok?"

"Ok, Hughie. I love you."
I reach out and hug her, closing my eyes and letting myself be hugged. "I love you too, Mom".

When my eyes open, it's morning. Snow is lined up on the windowsill, making things brighter then they should be. But things are bright and I smile against the cold morning, because everything is ok.

The sacred geometry of chance

2011-04-12T09:05:00.004-03:00

Song of the Moment

So many memories, it's hard to keep them all in place. I remember when my Daughter started school. I wanted so badly to be there for her first day, to be there when she got on the bus. I couldn't be there though. She lived so close and so far away from me. I could only watch from down the road, as she nervously stepped onto the bus, all smiles and sunshine. I sent my love to her with a whispered sentence as the bus drove away.

The bus went by every day where I lived. I woke up early to stand out in the parking lot and chance seeing her, to wave and send my smile her way. Too many mornings, it drove by in a flash ... one moment then gone. It was enough for me to imagine she had seen me waving.

One morning, the light turned red and the bus had to stop. I strained to see if she was watching for me. So many faces looking out the windows. Except for one, ... in the fogged up window, I saw a heart, drawn in the fog. And my girls face, smiling and waving back. All the chances were worth it for that one moment.

Life is about chance, doing what you can when you can do it. Keeping those special memories with you and trying hard to make more.

I am changed by you

2011-03-14T15:04:00.008-03:00

Song of the Moment

Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about "creating" yourself. For a while there, I was trying to find what was here all along. Each day is all I need. I wish I had the words to describe the colours you place in my world. I have never seen anything like you in my Life and I don't think I ever will again. Thank you for turning dust into gold.

"Tell me again about my heart."
"It may be dusty, but you have a heart of gold."

Ciao

Be something you love and understand.

2011-03-12T16:50:00.000-04:00

Song of the Moment

I remember a time when I was younger, maybe 7 or 8. I had just started getting an allowance. My Mom had a friend by the name of Stewart Ramsay. He was 82 years old and was a chimney sweep. His face and hands were always sooty black but he always had a smile on his face. He drove an old school bus that he painted brown, the only thing that could carry his extra long ladders around town. Stewart also sold "Rawleigh products", ... homemade root beer kits, ointments, medicinal creams, "make your own ice cream" kits and the such. He kept all this in my Mom's basement and I would help keep it organized. Stewart would give me his pocket change for this; Mom would take calls for Stewart for people to have their chimneys swept and he would give her money every day for it. And, every day, Mom and I would go to the store, the Save Easy mall, which was just a few minutes walk from where we lived.
At first, I would buy a comic book from "Books N Things", searching through the single rack of comics, Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew, West Coast Avengers, New Universe, etc.. Mom would look through the ornaments they had on the shelves while I searched. I remember one of the signs they had ...

"Precious to look at, delightful to hold, but if you should break it, consider it sold!"

As I got older, I would use Stewarts pocket change to buy Mom a flower from the All Occasion florist every Sunday. Just a plastic flower. I would always get a card too, one of those small "Thank you" cards you get with flowers. I would write silly things on it, like "To: The best Mom in the world, From : The best Son in the world". She had an album of all these cards, she always kept them. Mom kept the plastic flowers in a vase by the door. They always made her smile. The vase was filled by 2 years, and we would "weed it out", taking out the older, falling apart flowers.
One Sunday, I remember I was going to go to the flower place, but, when I was putting on my shoes, Mom was in the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone. She was crying. I didn't know until later that she had found out that week she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She tried to explain this to me, but I didn't understand. All I knew was that Mom was sad, and I wanted to make her happy. I said "I'm going to go get you a flower, ok? That always makes you happy." She tried to smile but the tears started again. I didn't understand why it wasn't making her happy. I ran out of the house and threw all my change on the lawn. I didn't want it anymore. It wasn't helping. Nothing was helping. I couldn't do anything!
Mom came out and sat with me on the front step. She told me everything was going to be ok, don't worry. I told her I threw my money away, that I didn't want it anymore, it wasn't making her happy. She said "But you worked hard for that money. And I am so happy and proud of how hard you worked for it." We spent the next hour looking for all the loose change I threw away. When we had it all picked up, I asked her what we should do now? We both went to the store, and I got her a white carnation, a real flower. I had that flower for years after she passed away. It got lost somewhere along the way, but the memory remains. And the lessons she taught me.

Don't take anything for granted, Life is too short.

Be happy with what you have, while you have it.

Being happy can make others happy, just give it Time.

Ciao

That there was a little more to life somewhere else

2011-01-27T10:17:00.004-04:00

Song of the Moment

I had a dream. I was looking in the freezer for some ice for my drink and I found a snowball in the fridge. The snowball we hid that day we played in the Park. I took it with me down the hall and found you, lying on the floor, watching TV. I ask you if you remember when we put *this* in the freezer. When we looked in my hand, the snowball had melted, and there was a tiny pine tree limb in my hand, wet from the melted snow. I looked up to smile, and then woke up to see your smiling face.

Ciao

Tonight, tomorrow, and every day

2011-01-15T10:52:00.005-04:00

Song of the Moment

Sometimes I listen to sad songs
ones that make the lonely ache
and the hurt hurt more
because they are place-markers
Road signs of my Past

I sometimes listen to them to give insight;
To prepare myself for the wrongs that can happen
Between Now and the Then
seems like a lifetime
because they have been

And with each new Lifetime
a new lesson is learned, a new road is taken

Ciao

keep you apart deep in my heart

2011-01-04T03:50:00.005-04:00

Song of the Moment

One of those nights where the music
said everything for me
and the silhouettes caught me off guard
like porcelain dolls

And your eyes reflect
all the things that are said and unsaid
like snowflakes falling from the stars

But that was a dream and we are now waking
with the memories etched inside
Piece them together for the new day

And you can't know
what I don't say
But you do

Beneath the stains of time the feelings disappears

2010-12-31T16:53:00.007-04:00

Song of the Moment

A long time ago, I was told I would get hurt. I heard this through the filter of normalcy however. "How could I get hurt? I feel bulletproof!" But, my bulletproof mask wore with Time, and it could not shield me from the pain that came. The pain of ending. It happened again and again, ... over Time.
We are all going to feel hurt, just like we all can feel joy. It's the norm of Life. Only the fool does not feel the pain, simple in his innocence, he feels happy that it happened at all. The mourning process is different for the simple. I know I have lived for I have hurt.
I want to be your memory. I want to be that special person until the next special person comes along. I don't want you to remember the hurt. I will. And when our paths divide, sending us to the opposite corners of our Lives, I want you to remember the joy, as I want to.
My New Years resolution. I want to treat each moment spent with anyone like it were the last. To break ties after leaving, cherishing the moment in a way those that hurt can.

Happy New Years to everyone close to my heart right now .. including you, Mister Hugh

Ciao

You won't break me no matter how hard you try

2010-09-19T20:11:00.005-03:00

Song of the Moment

It would be great if I could call and talk to my Daughter. Instead, my call goes right to Voicemail, time and time again. I leave a message which I can only guess gets deleted, since my Daughter never hears any of them. The more I think of it, when I drive her home every weekend, it's feeling more and more like I am dropping her off at Jail. Maybe I'll just try sending her letters instead.
And yes, it's still ongoing, this "Hate' thing my ex-wife has for me. I don't think she understands what she is doing when she does these "dirty little tricks". Apparently, I am the bad guy. The one bad thing I have ever done was not taking my Daughter with me when she left. Because of that one overlooked thing, I have endured 10 years of hate from the other side. I'm beyond the point of asking "When will it stop?" It won't stop, ... apparently, I *need* to be continually reminded that I can't see her on a daily basis.

But at least I do have one form of venting this. Writing. Putting the words down so I can remember for a later day. And what lesson should I remember for a later day today?

"No matter how good things look, there's always someone who despises you. Pay them no mind, for there are people who despise these people also. The root branch is the one that grows on it's own, not tangled and suffocated by the rest of the tree."

Ciao

So dont yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate ... It may have a new perspective on a different day.

2010-08-16T04:22:00.006-03:00

Song of the Moment

A few weeks ago, the radiator in my car got a leak. With not enough to pay for the repairs right away, I am a pedestrian again temporarily. I biked from work to pick up the Daughter. We both biked home, laughing, talking about the week, coasting down the hill and I'm hearing "I'm Queen of the road!!". As we walked up the hill, Amber and I talk.

"Phew, this is a tall hill..."
"Yeah! But it will be fun going down the other side."
"Yeah!
"You know what, Dad?"
"What?"
"It's kind of like everything.."
"Hmmm?"
"Well, going up and down the hill. It's like what we do all the time. We work really hard to climb up and up and up. And when we get to the top, it doesn't take much to ride down the other side."
"You're right Amber. And sometimes, we work so hard climbing the hill, we are too tired to enjoy the ride down the other side."
"Yeah ... hey Dad? Want to turn around and coast down the hill again?"
"... you bet."

I never had these talks with my Dad. I am glad I was able to have this conversation with my Daughter.

Ciao

You don't know my name, you don't know my number, you don't know my face at all.

2010-07-13T10:54:00.005-03:00

Song of the Moment

I remember working at the Pot factory. I started there grinding handles for the pots. A pretty mindless job ... swipe-swipe, turn over, swipe-swipe, toss in bucket, next. It was all about #'s. An 8 hour day equaled almost 800 handles for the new people, over 1000 for people at it for a while. After a few months, I increased my production to 1200 and got promoted to hand sander.

Not much of a promotion, considering the work involved wrapping sandpaper around your fingers, and rubbing them on the inside lip of a freshly formed pot, suctioned to a spinning device. Several people lost fingers at this job. I managed to survive with only minor cuts which scarred and healed and was then promoted once more to "Pot man". Only 2 others in the factory could run the Draw Press, that weird machine that would smoosh an oiled metal disc around a die and "voila" a pot popped out, with a charming "Ding", when the metal bar rose back up.

The other 2 draw press operators had been doing this job for a while, one at it for over 10 years. They both knew the machine, inside and out, and could keep to a quota. The foreman would meet one or the other at 6 AM, when we all got there, and get a report on how many pots had been done the previous night in order to find out how many of what pot needed to be done on that day. I learned easily how to "Keep to quota" and the consequences of going under (Being yanked from the draw press for the day to punch handles - running a metal wire through a press which cut the wire to handle length. Mindless.) But this was done in order to ensure that the amount of pots needed by end of day was completed, by an experienced worker.

The secret to keeping to a quota was to make sure to divide the amount needed by the amount of time in the day ... and then get 12 more an hour. Doing this successfully for a month did not increase any "Targets" we had. We all wanted to achieve more then what was needed anyways, since we got paid a half decent wage for that time. We focused our time on finding easier ways to get the same job done and how we could improve the quality of the pot being produced. Experimenting with pressures on the metal, different gauges for measuring off the discs.

The other secret to this position was to understand that "raises" did not mean someone was "going over their target". It was about "Quality of work" and "recognizing dedication to the job". I remember Louis, the foreman, meeting with me after production was done for the day. He read over my log and asked me to stay behind a few minutes. He explained that it was going to be time for raises soon and I was due for one. He explained that it wasn't because of the amount of work being done, but because of how I A. showed up for work every day, B. tried to find new ways of doing things. Hearing this puffed out my ego. It was awesome. The amount of the raise did not matter, I enjoyed getting recognized for the small things.

I met the 3rd "Potman" on the way out the door and told him about my chat with the foreman. He said he did not get a raise that year, but that was ok. He enjoyed his job. He got what he wanted from the job, put in what needed to be put in and tackled the challenges as they came, generating praise from the foreman. Maybe next year.

I felt bad at first about telling him about my raise, since he did not get one, but then realized it did not matter. This guys raise was being given to him on a weekly basis, with the foreman recognizing when he did something great. If something went wrong, it was dealt with, and the rest of the members of the "Pot" team learned from it. No one was kept "in the dark". Performance was talked about in the open. No one was told to "Not talk about your promotion to the other workers". What could be benefited from this? We were proud of the work we did. We were proud of the people we worked with and the people charged with over-seeing our production. If someone was doing poorly, we tried to find out why, since the production of a pot did not include 1 person only, but the whole factory. If there was a break in that line, production slowed, meaning longer hours of work, less time spent at home with our families.

Long story short, my time at the Pot factory taught me one very important lesson. Doing well at your job didn't give you bragging rights. It gave you that feeling of "Ahhh", that was shared by others, not kept from them. Doing a job less then awesome wasn't always a bad experience, it was a learning experience. Something you could use to better yourself. Not something to be kept like a dirty secret.

Ciao

I'm tired of living in the dark .. can anyone see me down here?

2010-04-11T18:58:00.006-03:00

Song of the Moment

Is it time to vent? Why YES! Yes it IS!

1. You need to chill the F out. I don't want fights from you. I don't want anything from you now, honestly. Maybe one time I did. Maybe one time it was cool to be able to communicate effectively. Maybe one time, long and ever ago, it actually mattered what you thought. Now, I just want you to stop .. all together. Why? Because I know, from experience, that you can do nothing else but "be you" ... always wanting to belittle and demean. So be it. But keep that shit to yourself, got it? I have A-B-S-O-L-U-T-L-E-Y no room for that shit in my Life. We clear?

2. And YOU? You need to understand that I am not part of some "elitist group". I like to have a laugh every now and then, but you don't make me feel good about myself. After hanging with you for a while, it's almost like I need to start writing a list of things I need to make up for, for fuck sakes. Bottom line? Small doses.

3. Let's not forget about YOU either. You need to understand that your Lifestyle is not mine. You are an acquaintance with responsibilities. Stop jerking me around, ok? You want to get it all off your chest? Awesome. Take your best shot at me. I suggest punching me in the temple. It would be ironic to get hit in the head by you, since most everything you do gives me a fucking headache.

4. And finally you. Accept that Time is going by. Stop with the frigging around. Others are going to say shit. Others don't know, ok? You got that? Frig man. Are you going to let others determine how your Life turns out, just by their demeaning words and equally as shitty actions?

I apologize for the foul language. There was honestly no other way to type this.

Ciao

I was scared but once I thought about, I let it go

2010-03-08T04:38:00.003-04:00

Song of the Moment

Don't know who left their heart in my backseat, scribbled on the window. If you need it back, it's still there. Only shows on rainy or foggy days, ironically enough.
But it is still there. Just let me know when you want to pick it up.

Ciao

Work work, money made

2010-01-15T14:33:00.004-04:00

Song Of The Moment

DISCLAIMER: After writing this, I realized this is just one long-ass rant, and probably meant more for my own mental well-being. Continue at your own risk.

Wow, having 2 jobs is tiring. Having your 2nd job belittle you, pile extra work on you and deny your request for a raise is not only tiring but frustrating as well.
Today is my day off from my Primary job (The one I like), but I am committed to doing work in the evening for the second job. I am currently getting paid the same amount of money I have been getting paid for the past years of manual labour, but now, the work has changed. I am now filling out Project Manager templates on a nightly basis, even though I am currently not a Project Manager.
Not only has my request for a raise, to match the additional duties I have adopted, been denied BUT my requests to have additional taxes taken off my cheque has been overlooked on enough occasions for me to give up even trying to ask for this simple way to not get screwed when Tax time comes. I mean, seriously. I may get paid 150-200 every 2 weeks. They take off NOTHING for taxes on this amount! If I work 40 hours every 2 weeks (expected amount of work for a part-time job), I get paid 350 dollars and have 5 dollars deducted for taxes!!
So, with all this in place, the question is : Should I feel the same amount of pride I used to feel for a job well done? I remember the days of stripping and waxing a floor and when done, looking at the shine with the thought "Nice, *I* did this", and feeling a sense of pride, of a job well-done. Obviously, the quality of work has no affect on my outlook of the job, since management feels the right to "wring the most out of myself".
Why do I continue working this thankless job, you may ask?
Well... a little background is needed.
I am a single Father, paying Child Support. 5-6 years ago, when I was only working one minimum-wage job on Jewels farm, I discovered something called a "Re-calculation" program, through Maintenance Enforcement, where I dutifully pay my child support twice a month. In signing up for this program, the amount of Child Support I pay a month would be determined by Mine and my estranged wife's income tax returns, instead of a set #. More of a "Ok, if I get laid off, the amount of my support payment would be adjusted, so that I can still afford to buy food, etc." clause.
Which was perfect at the time of introducing it to my estranged wife, since the amount of support payments I was told to pay exceeded my monthly income of working on a farm for 6 dollars an hour.
Awesome.
Quick fast-forward to a few years later when I ended my job on the farm and started my FULL-TIME LIKED job. My Support payments increase a bit, expected behavior and something which was do-able. Life was looking up. I invested in a truck and accepted a part-time job offer with my NOT-LIKED job. The Part-time job basically paid for upkeep on my new truck, the the 2nd used truck I bought as well.
Unfortunately, both trucks, being used, broke down. I currently own a small hatchback, bought used as well, which has very little wrong with it mechanically, but cannot be used for work-purposes, due to it being a car. Now, with the 2nd job in place for 3 years, my support payments have doubled and I really only NEED to work 1 job again.
The place where it stops being logical is, in order for me to only work 1 job, I need to pay the doubled child support payments for a year, with only 1 income.
So, now that we're up-to-speed, this is my situation. I can keep working the 2nd job and ask that they take off extra taxes, but, in trying to, become frustrated as the requests get over-looked. I can ask for a raise to match the "new duties" I have been given but, wait, I already did and was told "N-O". You would think since I was the one who found, introduced and signed up for this "Re-calculation clause", I could ask them to terminate it, but apparently not. Weird no?
OK, wait, maybe, if my 2nd job's boss won't give me a raise and is not so good at remembering to take off extra taxes, I could ask my estranged wife to be lenient on my child support payments for a year, so I can leave the 2nd job and get my budget (and deprived sleep schedule) back on track?
Now, I want to make this crystal clear. I am currently getting along with my estranged wife very well, joking with her and showing a very composed and well-adjusted model for my Daughter. But, unfortunately, even though I am only able to pay 2/3 of the child support payments currently (which my estranged wife has made no issue about), this affects the overdue balance ZERO. By paying what I can afford now, the remainder goes into an "Overdue" amount on a monthly basis. So, if I can only pay 230 a month and the amount is 350 a month, the remaining 120 goes into an overdue pool, which needs to be paid. That is 1440 dollars a year, even though I cannot pay it adjust-ably.
ON TOP OF THAT, since I am now in a higher tax bracket, with no additional taxes coming off my 2nd income, I owe alot in income tax and will owe more on a yearly basis, until the Government decides to do a "wage deduction" to pay for it, like they have been doing for the past few years with my GST cheque. The child support payments will more then likely follow suit, if the "Overdue amount" continues to rise.

In closing, this sucks. And in so, I have absolutely no tolerance for stupidity and ignorance. These 2 things are costing me alot of money on a monthly basis.
Money I could be using to buy, oh, I dunno food. But that's ok, I barely have enough time to eat "food" in between these 2 jobs, even if I did have that luxury.

..... am I pointing fingers? It may seem so. But, I would ask in my defense : Am *I* doing something wrong here?

Ciao

I used to think the world was flat .. rarely threw my hat into the crowd

2009-12-26T00:38:00.005-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Hey there old friend, whom I have never met.
Even though I know you are not there, or cannot type back, s'ok, just felt the need to let the words flow out and the assurance that someone actually read them, understood them and let the message affect them.
Wow, thought I had alot more in me then that.
But, I guess the thoughts I had a few moments ago are now gone, buried under other stuff, not to be thought of until late at night, when the only thing to say them to is the darkness.
Ahhh, there was a bit more in there, .. thought so. I trick myself sometimes, making myself believe I'm ok, but I always know I'm being lied to, I see right through myself.
I.. I just hope that my Life was for something. It all seems to be rolling up so quickly, 2 years goes by like 2 days, until you see the datestamp on that christmas picture, and realize 8 seasons have passed by.
I should have taken more risks, rode against the wind, walked away from the safe and took a wild ride. I'm mourning that which I never did or remember, almost like it was stolen from me.
Ok, I think that's all. I hope you had a Merry Christmas, friend. I hope to think of you again soon.

Ciao

Once there was a way to get back home

2009-11-15T00:48:00.004-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Another night. What new things will I find under this layer of dust?
The little one is sleeping, dreaming dreams far bigger then I could ever imagine. The little one is not so little anymore either. Words cannot express the joy she brings to my Life. Watching her grow and learn and laugh brings light to my solitude. My self-made solitude.

I can't even begin to count the times I have sat here, late into the night, looking out the window, wondering why? Why just me? Can't I have someone to come home to after a long day of confusion? Can't I have someone to make the day less confusing? Memories, to me, are always in the most vivid of colors, while present day events seem misted in grey.

I wish I could understand what this is all about. I want to see the Big Picture. I want to know what this role I have is. But I can't. All I see is what I have. I have a responsibility to be her Father.

So, no matter how dark it gets, how lost I may seem or how alone it may feel, I do have a role. And that can and does bring peace.

Ciao

When I pick up the phone, there is still nobody home

2009-10-20T23:36:00.003-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Wow, so, I wrote this blog post, about a week ago, not quite sure how tired I was ... but apparently, I was too tired to actually publish it.

And, so it sat, for a while, until I *stumbled* across it tonight.

"Ever have one of those nights where you sit down and really look at your life ... and realize that you've been lying to yourself for a long, long time. What you think you have is just an illusion, and all you really do have is just a bunch of good memories and that feeling of being alone, totally and completely alone?
... well, that would be me tonight."

Sure glad you're doing better, Mister Fiend.

Who was dragged down by the stone

2009-09-12T12:31:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

I tried to help you. You lied to me. I tried to talk to you. You yelled and threatened me. Lesson learned.
Normally, I don't categorize people. So, I think in this situation, I will need to keep this memory in mind. The memory of me wondering if you were going to break into my place, steal my stuff, slash my tires....
Don't get me wrong. You're still my Family. But you have used up your chances. Do not expect anything from me. When I talk about you, the standard sentence will be "Yeah, he's my Family, but we don't talk anymore. He has gotten into some bad things and he's not welcome in my house."
I still have hope for people. One person who continuously decides to mess things up won't keep me from trying to help people. And, I have no doubt that there will be others .... friends, women, maybe even other Family members ... that will show their true colors to me.
And that's fine. It actually makes it easier on the head. I don't have to wonder if this person is going to directly affect me. I can just cut the tie and carry on.
Of course, there will come a day when, miles down the road, you may think everything is forgiven. You know what? It is forgiven. Because, you are not allowed back in the trust again. It's been reset back to zero, and you are on the outside.... you are not allowed back in. You have proven who you are under your thick mask and you can keep that person on the other side of the door.

Ciao

I dont care what you say, I dont play the same games you play.

2009-08-02T21:14:00.004-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Dear 3 AM,
Stop making me stay awake, ok? I have work tomorrow, and I don't really care about all the old memories and frigged up things that I can't fix, ok? I really don't want to have to distract myself away from your annoying presence each and every night. Seriously!
Maybe if you showed up with a better outlook, I'd be all right with your late-night visits. But you're so down and depressing! For once, can't you just take a break? Don't you have someone else to haunt? I mean, before you showed up, I was dozing off in the chair. Now? I'm up, trying to fix all the crap you're breaking.
You're a lousy houseguest, you know that?
And, it's always the same ol' stuff with you. "What are you doing?", "Where are you going?", "It's too late, you know?".... get some new material, ok man? Let's talk about the weather! ... or even how the day went! Anything! Let's just not go over the same old broken things we go over every night. We didn't find an "answer" last night, did we? You think we're gonna mysteriously find one tonight?

... wh-what's that?

yeah ... they *were* good times....

Ok, ... maybe ... maybe we can stay up for a bit.

Ciao

He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Nowhere Land, making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

2009-07-13T00:49:00.005-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Yeah so, trust has become a slight issue with me. I am of the thinking that this lack of trust has alot to do with my adaptability and willingness to tackle something new, ironically enough. When you realize that everyone has their own little goal to accomplish and "you" are not a part of it, you can really see what needs to be done, how to get it done efficiently and done right.
I guess it boils down to this. We all were born. we were all innocent at one point in our lives. Then something happened, something got "book-marked" in our adventure ... and that something made us/makes us who were are today. So, when I say I don't trust, it's the action I don't trust, not the person exactly. We all still have that innocence in us. It's just covered up with years and years of filtered logic.
What really sucks is the "noticing". Seeing certain looks, certain body movements that indicate a falsity. You know what I'm talking about. A rich girl drops her purse by an old bum and tries to keep her composure when she picks it up. But, if you're quick, you can see "the look", of disgust, of rejection. Under that look is the innocence, all buried up. She can't uncover it, either. It's the plate on which the sourness is piled on, too far down now to even try to think of anymore.
And where does that leave me? Well, for starters, I got a clean slate everyday. I've came to terms with my sour'd ways a while ago, so when I wake up, the starting gun goes off and it's time to get my goals accomplished. ... ahh, but what *are* my goals exactly? I only want to make people happy. Maybe, if I can show you how easy it is to stop thinking of your own self-righteous, self-fulfilling goals and begin to think about making someone else smile, or be at ease with their current situation, I have will have brought the whole mess full circle.

Ciao

Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it, you've gotta go sometime.

2009-06-24T00:59:00.003-03:00

Song Of The Moment

I don't think many people can understand how much of a hypochondriac I have become. With people passing away recently, mysterious pains and lumps have become my obsession. A traumatic obsession. I'm only 36 and I have slipped into a phase of obsessing about death. Not normal, healthy or rational, but a reality, none the less.
I guess the big reason behind this is a double-edged knife. So many things I want to accomplish, paying my debt, owning a house, traveling, meeting people. But I continue to see things on a "Time-limit". And when I hear about someone my age dying? Total mind-f**k.
I really, really don't want to obsess about dying anymore. I'm only 36! I have a beautiful Daughter, an awesome job. I have options on how I want to make my Life better right now. I guess when the only person you have to talk to about your weird obsessions is yourself, the advice can be kind of sour.
If someone were to ask me a year ago what my biggest concern was, it would have been an easy answer, "Seeing my Daughter". Now, a year later, and the cards have flipped dramatically.
I really hope, a year from now, I can look back on this and say "Well, that was pretty stupid of you now, wasn't it?"
I really do.

Ciao

CONGRAT'S JASON!!!

2009-05-26T22:16:00.002-03:00

So, a buddy of mine at work, Jason, is pursuing his dream. A dream I had waaaa--aaay back when. Good on you man! I always said your talent was being wasted but, you know, it's been put to good use, y'know? It's all been practice til now! GOOD LUCK MAN!

Created by OnePlusYou

I can't breathe

2009-05-17T19:51:00.005-03:00

Song Of The Moment

4 years is a long time.

Let's list some highlights from the last 4 years of blogging, shall we?

2005 - left a psychotic & controlling girlfriend; started a new job and moved into a much better apartment
2006 - ex-wife has another child; got promoted at work; continuous fighting with ex-wife
2007 - bought my first truck; picked up a second job; old girlfriend goes out with best friend, I remain single; first truck dies
2008 - yet another promotion at work; get 'new-to-me' 4x4; more fighting with ex-wife; enter a weird 'dark poetry phase'; 3rd xmas in new place alone (new tree though)
2009 -sudden peace with ex-wife; hypochondria begins

Not too sure what the Future will bring, with this track history to go by, but, at least things are moving forward and upward, right?

.....right......?

Ciao

Once there was a way to get back home

2009-05-10T23:17:00.005-03:00

Song Of The Moment

So used to being paranoid. Can't get used to the fact that the war is over. Can't believe the peace & quiet. You would think being a self-proclaimed hermit, I would welcome peace & quiet, eh?
So now, it all gets boring. Nothing to "fight for".... just normal day to day stuff.....

Nope, I was never for "boring".... nerdy maybe. But boring is definitely not an option.

So, clutch may need repair. Ultimately means, I'm a walker for possibly the next week. I'm good with that, the red beast has been pretty good to me lately, given the lack of repair I have put it through.
Got my cable and phone disconnected, of my own free will. More then half a bill gone, right there. Just need minutes on my cell. Already got my TV rigged up through my computer to watch movies or streaming internet (Win!)
Next step, must go to bank and figure out how to either reduce my monthly fees or migrate my account to a PC financial account. Have to figure out how to migrate Ambers RESP to something that is tax deductible as well, before it gets too mature. As well, need to run a credit report, find out what bill is getting my credit frigged up. Then, eliminate it through a finiancial plan. Need a house, damnit!

Well, that's it for now.

Ciao

I hope you blink before I do

2009-05-03T22:52:00.005-03:00

Song Of The Moment

I really don't get it sometimes. We waste years and years, not seeing what's ahead, only focused on the mistakes behind us. Then, it's too late. And we need to walk a different road. We need to be a different person. Same person in a different wrapping.
I don't want to be "saved". No hope for that now, after all these years spent with myself for company. Weird things happen to hermits, haven't they told you? Isolation does messed up shit to people.
I *was* hoping it wouldn't be so lonely. I can handle being alone. Every day I'm alone. Being lonely is a different story all together.

Maybe it's another mistake though. One I haven't seen coming yet.

Maybe I need to see what I cannot.

Ciao

Searching for shelter again and again

2009-04-16T02:12:00.001-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Being selfish is best left for 2 AM. When it's only you and the darkness outside to keep your company. It's been a while. Maybe that has something to do with my weird mood shift. Don't think it's leaving anytime soon either. Not that that will alter history. Just a fact.
Trying hard to keep a good poker face these days. Keep the line between here and "there" drawn in bold. Still, I remember the ice cubes in her tea, how my cellphone was called "sleepy" and being wanted. And I wonder why it should even matter? Wasn't the first.... was it the last?
Ahh, that's it then. Worried that this is how it's going to be from now on. I should know better. It could get worse. Best to stop thinking on that and be content in the fact that it hasn't taken a steeper downward drop.

But it's 2 AM, and I don't hear anyone asking me to stop.

Ciao

True

2009-04-03T00:48:00.008-03:00

I was not a friend to you

2009-03-22T00:39:00.005-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Step one: Write something meaningful
Step two: Delete it.
Step three: Start over

OK, so, time for a reality post. I don't think I've done one of these for a few years now. Workin' 2 jobs. 8 hours at a desk, filling out reports, having meetings, drinking coffee\3-4 hours waxing floors. If I leave at 10am, I'm back home by 10pm. 3 cats waiting for me (1 mama and 2 kitties) who wonder who that guy is that sleeps here all the time. Mama is feeling the spring air and reminding me daily she needs to go to the vet to get fixed. Little brother kitty stretches out to be petted and little sister grabs half a kinder surprise egg and meows to me to play "Toss it and I'll go get it and bring it back to you". This lasts for about an hour, then I start saying to myself "ok, time to go to bed."

But I usually stay up til 1-2, watching & waiting. No idea what I'm waiting for either, really.
Isn't that weird?

The truck I bought last year is lasting nicely. Another 2 months before inspection and it needs some brake work done; body work too. But, it's dependable so far. Amber calls it "The Watchamacallit". Guess we ran out of neat names, what with the GXB (was a GMC) and the black banana (yellow 1/4 ton, painted black).

Trying to fix my budget, so it's not necessary to work 12 hours a day. Thinking of cutting my cable and home phone. Never watch TV much, what with working all day. And having a cell phone means having one on the wall is useless. 60-70 bucks a month saved. Amber's RESP is not tax-claimable apparently (Thanks tax 2000), so thinking of unloading it and investing what there is in a claimable one. One that will help both her and me in the long run.

Wow, now I know why I don't write normal blog posts. This thing reads like a diary. There's a ton more going on too, stuff I can explain in words, and stuff that it would stretch my vernacular to even try, but I don't think I have it in me right now. Apartments cleaned, tea is almost gone and I should go pick up some groceries before I pick Amber up. Maybe think of something fun and different to do this weekend. Any suggestions? Feel free to let me know.

Ciao (BTW, song of the moment was meant for the "deleted post". Maybe I'll reflect on it next time. Name of the band is Intoxicado, my second boss's band. They rock!)

Should I talk slower like you're retarded?

2009-03-10T23:04:00.005-03:00

Song of The Moment

Ok, let's set some things straight here.

#1. I'm a hermit by choice. I've realized how easy it is to get screwed over and have chosen not to get associated with that. You will REALLY have to impress the crap outta me for ME to pay attention.

#2. Got sick of seeing how predictable people are a long time ago. If you think I don't know what you're up to, try me. I will prove you wrong.

#3. Don't lie to me. Why would you even do that? If you can't be yourself around me, (this DOES include telling me when to grow up, when to shut up, etc.) you need to re-evaluate whom you are being false to, ok? You're two-facing a hermit. That's kind of stupid, to be honest.

#4. Do NOT think I am your friend because I a. talked to you that one time b. had an inane chatter conversation with you or c. because you think I am your friend. I have had 3 real friends in my Life. Only 1 is still around and that's enough for me, thanks. Please see #1.

#5. If you should ever feel the need to show how smart/important/liked you are, please direct your haughty braggings elsewhere. I do not now, nor will I ever, feel the need to fill my head with your hot air. I've got enough hot air to do us both, ok? I'm like a freakin' HELIUM balloon! Again, see #1.

So, that's that! All clear? YAY!

Ciao

Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

2009-03-02T16:06:00.003-04:00

Song Of The Moment

The old puzzle had almost all it's pieces. I knew this because I would see one or two of them every now and then. There were only about 6 pieces but they were all where I last seen them. I would often say "I should see if I can at least get all the pieces back together in one place again. Then, maybe some day, I'll put it all together."
I never did. Time has a way of prioritizing you, pushing things to the back of the shelf. New things are so shiny and distracting that I forgot about the old things.

My sister died this morning and one of those pieces is gone forever.

Would it be like this? If I had taken the time to see if everything was ok, be less of a hermit, would I be wearing black now? Outcast by myself into the shadows, feeling loss but only able to vocalize it to the walls that have kept me company for so long? Only able to let my words dribble out in this fashion, in the hopes that re-reading it in the future will put things into perspective?

I'll never know. I didn't take the time.

Ciao

Now you're lost in a haze of alcohol soft middle age

2009-02-22T22:29:00.003-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Have I mentioned my Dad was an alcoholic? No? Well, I have officially mentioned it. I remember quite well when he drove me to Morell each day for work, barely seeing the road over the steering wheel and through scotch-filled eyes. Almost sent us flying into a construction ravine one day "Damn guy standing in the middle of the road, he tryin' to get killed?" Flagger barely had time to move as we barreled past. I came close to either dying or being wheelchair-bound that day.

Have I mentioned how my best friend turned into an alcoholic too? Busting into my apartment at 6 in the morning, hours before my young one was to come over, drunk off his ass. Eating caramel corn dipped in mustard. All I could do to drive him out of there, before his life wrecked mine. Didn't like how I saw his eyes turn vicious, my old friend had turned into someone else.

Have I mentioned there's a gravestone in the St. Peters Road graveyard, that you will find food placed by the gravestone? He died too young as he took a turn too quick on his dirtbike. I talked about girls to him, in that just turning into a teenager way, and now I look down to only hear nothing from the ground. His parents make sure he is well fed by bringing food to his grave and leaving it for him.

I don't care who you are. People don't drink so they can get better eyesight. And they certainly don't drink so they can make better and faster judgment calls. As for judgement, yep, I've had my wild days. And I learned from them real quick. Spending a paycheque to risk yourself and others is not wise. Accomplishes nothing. Nowadays, I take peace in knowing my boring day-to-day life does not JEOPARDIZE others. People you may care for.

That's it, I'm done.

Ciao

Beneath the lies.

2009-02-21T01:11:00.004-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Please stop. if I had another facet, I would take it
This is all I have right now, you don't see
How could you see?
Whole damn things falling apart
As for advertising, we all do it without knowing
it gives peace
Pick the scab til it bleeds
Then show off the scar

And people. People ask for what they get
Fuck sakes
Don't you understand?
no, no you don't
Sometimes, when you're lost, you need to scream
First to see if anyone's out there
Then, when you slowly realize no one is
You keep screaming
Just to scream

Then what?
Gonna scream until someone hears?
Only person is you, my friend
Maybe someone will wander by and hear it, taken out of context, of course
But their opinion can't matter now, can it?
Do they know? no
Do you?

Best part though, the hiding, masking, shutting down
So easy to do, fake a lie detector
Throw the wool over your own eyes enough and it's easy to make other people believe it was never really there
false pride in the erasing
Still there

Ciao

Why don't you get your mind out of the past?

2009-02-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Just when you think you have a handle on it
It changes color and flavor
Wish to hell I could detach but I can't
Only one thing left in the world that means something

Don't pull me in
I only need what you have
I don't want what you have to give
You decided this

My life has strayed away from that line
I kept what was important
And remembered the words
Black does not turn to white overnight/or does it?

You CANNOT erase the years of bitterness with ignorance
Apologies don't even begin to fade the scars left behind
Change, 'real change', can start to heal it
But I don't see it yet, two faces on one head

Everyday I meet people, some stay, some go
But there are only two that mean anything to me
One is a little girl who knows I love her
And the other is me

Ciao

My love is vengeance, that's never free

2009-01-18T12:55:00.004-04:00

Song Of The Moment

So the warden let me free
The bars disappeared
And now I walk
Wondering where everything went

So long spent locked up
The air isn't the same out here
And I don't think I can find where I left off
Before being trapped

Maybe this is a mistake?
Because I don't think I can fake this
Being happy is up for debate
So false

Imprinted in my head
Those long years of solitary
Examining what everyone speeds by
Realizing the true meanings

Happiness is not just up for debate
It's up for sale
It's up for rent
It's up for trade

Even if this isn't a mistake, I'm still locked up
Walking free, trapped inside
My sentence continues

Ciao

Just someone to keep my house clean, fix my meals and go away

2009-01-09T01:58:00.006-04:00

Song Of The Moment

I'm a chameleon, but that doesn't matter
It has no effect on you, only me
Weeds have started to grow beneath my feet
And I need to shed my skin

I've said this all before
Why won't I listen?
I've said this all before
And I don't remember

It's all so stale and tepid
And my head hurts
From all the redundant thoughts of victory
And the recycling of the old

You've made it this far through the enigma
Why are you still reading? Is it because I am still writing?
I can stop, if you want... it's not finding me and I stopped looking

Ciao

To living lies with no escape, Lord, I would rather be alone.

2009-01-01T01:45:00.005-04:00

Song of The Moment

So now we are friends
How did that happen again?
Should I question it and let loose the storm?
Or lie to myself, get stabbed again, only to save myself the hate?

I thought at first it was about comparisons
More then you, less then me
But, in the long run
The scale's weight does not answer "why?"

And I cannot assume this is the same old trick
Because, maybe it isn't
Maybe it's a new trick, something I need to adapt to
Or maybe I'm just paranoid

So what if you use me
Lie to me through all these years words
The only difference between you and everyone else is
I allow it to happen

I allow it because I have no choice
Here, late at night, looking out my snow-covered window
Out at the new years' beginning
Just as alone as the last

Ciao

You re-arrange me 'til I'm sane

2008-12-18T00:32:00.005-04:00

Life encompasses me
Circling around the room
Can't grab hold of it
Can only reflect my image onto it

It would appear that I am needed
Even though most would disagree
My eyes can't lie
I am the judge of that

So you spread your hate
Seeding it deep
How listless to productive work you are
When your spite grows more every day

Content with my place
At ease with shortcomings
Is it all for a greater purpose
Or is this just another dice toss?

Not that it matters
I'm here ... can't change that
So, why is it, instead of making good of it
I'm buried in a nameless grave?

To Hell with your opinion
Just as mine was cast to flames
It's time to count the failures by what was learned
Not by what went wrong

Control is in the eye of the beholder
And you have none over me
This path grows more interesting
And I really can't stop to chat

And how I used to be

2008-12-03T03:25:00.006-04:00

Watching my shadow fall
On a different doorstep
Analyzing from a safe distance
The consequences without consequence

Certain rituals must be passed
Fill out this form please
Only in pen, no forgetting the past
Signed in someone elses name

Why bother buying what soon will be broken?
No precaution can prevent
Realize the inevitability of Time
And rip the clock from the wall

Soon, the Deja Vu will overcome you
Like calendar pages in the wind
Best to land where you started
Like the journey never happened

And we slowly move forward and together
And lose more everyday
And the songs only playing from the middle
Silver medals for all

Stuck in a world of isolation while the ivy grows over the door

2008-12-01T02:27:00.010-04:00

Swine will dine on the oysters prize
And wild dogs run free through the church
Someone has profited from the absence of caution
The world has ended and began somewhere

But the headlines are blurred beyond reason
The fine print bold and underlined
It all makes sense when you close your eyes
And think about nothing at all

Trapped between the then and the when
Trying to brace up the doors
But the damn phone won't stop ringing
Even though there's nobody home

And the irony of it all is the incomprehensible release
The invisible milestones marking the way
Pictures made of cellophane; Letters written in white
No one the wiser for the hole that's been dug

Undeserved and taking more/Setting fire to the locks and keys

You've shown me eventually what you'll do

2008-11-28T23:00:00.004-04:00

I don't know you through a smile and a "Hi"
It takes more then the cover of the book
To understand its' story

So, don't pretend like you know me
You don't even know yourself
Come back when you've found whomever makes your decisions

And don't judge me
One day, I'll be in your jury box
Holding a book cover, biting my tongue

Besides the point, it all comes full circle
And we've all been there before
Funny how easy we forget

Forget the bad when the good comes knocking
And the days turn into years
While others age in a day, some take forever

Aging outwards, growing stale as reality blurs by
Trying hard to pick out the familiar faces in the crowd
Time-lapse memory

So don't think for a moment that you know me
I am you
And you are lost

It will astound you

2008-11-09T23:20:00.003-04:00

Looking back through the yellowed pages of yesterday
Walking down paths not traveled by myself for years
Old pictures soiled by the pains of Today
Close the book before Tomorrow stains it more

Close your eyes and look again; It's not stained
Time has played a trick on you
The places and faces are still there
You only need see them in a different light

Because eventually, you will grow bored and feel trapped
And the loom of humanity will make another pass
Tying one thread to another
Until it is all one again

Ciao

It's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain

2008-11-07T23:45:00.002-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Left the window open a crack
Never thinking it would rain
Reprimanded myself, when distanced from it
Sitting in front of it, it remains the same

The sound of the cars, swimming forward on the road
The only audience to my little play
Where I am center-stage, staring blankly
Forgot my lines again

And even though the rain comes in
The foul air inside is free to escape, should it wish
This is not the reason it remains open, however
Something deeper keeps me from closing it

Something that makes me keep old letters
Keeps me from deleting emails
Causes personality traits that seem alien to most
Protects those memories that I, alone, remember

Soon though, this will not prevent it from being shut
The cold needs to be kept out
Lock out the strangers and close the drapes
Nobody's home

I should've held on harder to my innocence...

2008-11-02T23:30:00.002-04:00

Frigging right I'm starting over.
Clean slate, no hate
Been too long living with this grey skyed sight
May as well be blind

I've made enough mistakes in the past
To know when and where not to make them next time
I've learned, seen and lived
And now I just want amnesia

Blue skies & innocence can be found
You just need to bite your tongue
Insert a laugh when you can
And stop being stubbornly wrong

Open your damn eyes!
See what you're making?
No one wants that
So start over

his code not functional or elegant

2008-10-30T01:06:00.003-03:00

Hugh has joined the conversation
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Hugh says:
Hey guys! What's up?

(O)Time(O) says:
Nothin'. Took ya long enough to log in, didn't ya?

Hugh says:
Ya, got tied up a bit at work. You the only one here?

(O)Time(O) says:
Dude! I'm ALWAYS here! LOL!

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(*)Fate(*) has joined the conversation
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(*)Fate(*) says:
WHASSUP!!!!1

(O)Time(O) says:
Hey fate. We were just talkin' about ya!

Hugh says:
Hey fate. um, time? I don't remember talking about fate?

(O)Time(O) says:
Ohhh yes you were! lol! "Hugh says: got tied up at work" LOL

Hugh says:
Piss off time lol

(*)Fate(*) says:
I am lkike SOOOIOOOO wasted rtight now!!!1!!!!!

(O)Time(O) says:
Oh great... figures. Hey fate? Do anything today?

(*)Fate(*) says:
R U KIDDING??? DRINBKING IS THE ONly thing i dfo therse dfays!!!111 thank gawd fer bacardui!!111

Hugh says:
LOL!!

------------------------------------------
(S)Destiny(S) has joined the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Destiny!!!

Hugh says:
Hey destiny! What's up?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey guys

(*)Fate(*) says:
WHOOOOOOOOOHJOOOOOOO!!!!!111!! DERSTINY IS IN DFA HOUSE!!!!!11

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Lemmee guess ... Bacardi's is on sale?

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
LOL

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Hey hugh man? How was your day?

Hugh says:
Not too bad. went out trick or treating with the little one. She's over for the weekend too.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's awesome man! She must be having fun! get lots of candy, or were you out for long?

Hugh says:
Yeah, half a pillow-sack (Man, that term did NOT exist before tonight! it's pillow CASE!!! LOL)

(S)Desting(S) says:
lol, awesome man.

(*)Fate(*) says:
BRB GOTTA PEE

Hugh says:
...nice....gonna tell us when you flush too?

(S)Destiny(S) says:
LOL

(O)Time(O) says:
lmao

Hugh says:
yeah, things are pretty nice tonight. Sitting back, listening to some tunes.

(O)Time(O) says:
That's honestly good to hear man. Gotta say, I was thinking you were in another slump, y'know?

Hugh says:
yeah, well, there's up's and there's downs. For right now, I'm content.

(O)Time(O) says:
Word

(S)Destiny(S) says:
So, you're not worrying anymore about all that shit you were going on about?

Hugh says:
Oh, I could be. I just don't want to be, y'know? Besides, tomorrow is a new day, right? You just don't know what will happen. May as well laugh and joke around while i can

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Verrrrry wise, young paddewon.... learned the force you have lol

Hugh says:
LOL, you are such a nerd, dude!

(O)Time(O) says:
LAWL!!

(*)Fate(*) says:
K GHUYS IM BACVK!!1

(S)Destiny(S) says:
Jesus...that's MY cue. Night all!

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(S)Destiny(S) has left the conversation
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(O)Time(O) says:
Yup, it's that time... lol! take 'er easy Hugh

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(*)Fate(*) says:
WTF??//

Hugh says:
Seriously man. Sobre up

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Why do I care?

2008-10-16T03:23:00.006-03:00

Hey Hugh! ... or Fiend, or UUUU ... whatever you go by. Wanted to remind you of this, since I know you're pretty forgetful at times (well, some of the times). You're not that bad off man. Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?

No seriously man. I'm not joking. That produce sticker on your phone? Remember how it got there? Remember coming home, seeing the phone, remembering all the bad phone calls you've had on it, thinking you have to make the phone look different somehow, so you'd have something other then just the bad memories to think of when you walked by it?
Remember how you "actually" hunted for a sticker to put on it, like a smiley face or something, and couldn't find one? Then you actually thought of taping a hand-drawn smiley face on it, shook your head saying "Now, that's just crazy" and forgot about it?
Remember after you got a peach from the fridge, sat down to eat it and bit into the produce sticker, what you said?

Yup! That's right!

"Don't worry about what you don't have and it will show up, ok?"

So, if you're still worrying about the things you can't change the next time you read this, stop, ok? C'mon, there's a ton more you could be doing right now?

Like finding a way to make the sour things look ok...

When did I change?

2008-10-14T22:51:00.001-03:00

I'd like to say a GREAT BIG THANK YOU to the asshats that completely screwed my day up. It's nice to know that, even though you and yours are NOT keeping a positive outlook on this whole Fathering thing, you can take that extra step to continually make my Life Hell. Bravo!

Now, even though your work was flawless (and probably took little to no effort), there were a few minor tweaks you could try next time for added interest. I'll list them here, in no specific order.

1. Try mimicking her voice tone as well as her wordings. This way, it will be like I'm actually talking to HER, .. wait, apologies .. "getting yelled at by" is a better terminology. Not that I can't hear her in the background, mind you, but as you've claimed, your phone is pretty sketchy sounding, making everything said away from the receiver sound like Charlie Browns teacher. So, for example, sentences like "She's getting migraines because of all this stress. I'm going to take her medical reports to child services if you don't stop." would sound better if you use a higher-pitched, controlling tone.

2. A question like "I told you I was going to see her from such and such a time on such and such day. Don't you remember?" should be answered with "Crap, I wrote that down I think but I don't think I could find it now, place is pretty messy", followed by the sounds of rummaging through something. Yes, I know, this is lying (You DON'T write anything I tell you about scheduling, even though I asked. GOOD!), but it would add an extra level to the whole drama!!

3. Instead of just hanging up on me, putting the phone down and calling me down would be acceptable. It's been done before, so it's tried-tested and TRUE! Good examples of calling me down could be "Grow up and act like a man.", "Why would I let her hang around with someone like you?" or "We ALL think you don't care."

Everything else is spot-on though! I'd say "Keep up the work!" but, that would be said with too much sarcasm. That and, I have absolutely NO doubt this kind of thing will continue for a few more years, until the hate stops.

My Daughter drew a picture a few weeks ago. I asked her what it was. She told me it was her happy thoughts. You see, in my Daughters happy thoughts, the sun is shining, her and I and our kittens have gone for a summers picnic. NO WHERE in this picture was there a phone receiver being disconnected abruptly, no silhouettes of people yelling at each other over TRIVIAL things.

Just something to think about.

the world's not round without you

2008-10-09T00:47:00.000-03:00

The calendar does not keep time, the photo album does
Birthday cards are just reminders of how much time has passed
Too much time has passed, and I could not stop the hands of the clock
1/2 price sticker on my sleeve

Ran all the peaceful moments out of town
No room for them in the silent turmoil
The self-guided madness I control
And which controls me

I live in the long drawn-out silences
The empty spaces between the fence boards
I seem to be part of it all
But the absence of me is what keeps it all together

Everyone is changing, there's no one left that's real

2008-10-03T14:59:00.000-03:00

Let's talk about being fake.

Fake people will say whatever they can to get what they want. They do this for several reasons; being scared, brought up as manipulative, overwhelming situations, and of course, just to be an arse. I cannot understand why, ... HOW someone could see being two-faced or fake can possibly benefit anyone or anything.

I'm not saying there is not a time and place for "white lies". I tell my daughter on a weekly basis that I'm not sad when she goes home ("because I know you're coming over again next week!"), if only to solidify the fact that she WILL be coming over and to save her having to make a "choice".
Complete.and.total.lie. I work 2 jobs, so as to distract myself from this empty and silent house. You'd think after all these years I'd learn that it only distracts me from doing the dishes, laundry, sleeping, etc.
But, I say this in the hopes she will believe it, and be happy.

Fake people do not tell "white lies". They only tell good ol' fashioned "LIES", re-worded as 'bending the truth'. Fake people usually ignore the situations reality and make up their own reality in their head (one that suits their purpose) and act accordingly, oblivious to how their actions are affecting anyone. There are names and there are faces, but now is not the time for that. It's already passed, and this is the aftermath.

I despise someone acting fake, if you haven't already guessed. I have been plagued by fakers for too long, so now paranoia sets in and labels all. I'm going to have to apologize to everyone for not believeing a single DAMN thing you say, but I really don't. You cannot prove your honesty to me. Perception is a killer, and one of these days a faker will try to warn me of something only to be silently shut down, resulting in my loss.

But, at the very least, it will be MY loss. No one else affected. Contained to only my hemisphere, where the clouds are blue and dark, and all the mail is stamped "Return to Sender".

Find another place to feed your greed, while I find a place to rest

2008-09-16T23:52:00.000-03:00

You can either rationalize your inner dialogue into your every day Life
Or cover it up, allowing its cancer to spread through you
With its sickly sweet mask of normalcy

Everyone wears a perfect costume day-to-day
Dry-cleaned and ironed or stained and faded, it's all the same
Distraction from the Truth

The Truth is what drives you without you knowing
Deny it and it proves you weak
Accept it and be cast out into emptiness

Think back to your happiest moments
Were they supported by lies, fear, deceit?
If they were, you do not and cannot understand

Being free means being able to forsee the Future
And while predicting the Future, looking back from that unknown point ahead of you
And seeing yourself without regret

I do not want from you what you do not have
After all, we all wear the same uniform

All the world's a stage, it's just that I ain't on it anymore

2008-09-15T00:38:00.000-03:00

Just another night
Just another day ended
And even though I tried
I come home empty-handed

These walls tell me lies
It's all they have heard, after all
Have to drown out the fake stories being told
With the slow-moving reality

Mirrors reflect the door, making more escape routes
Doubling the company
But when no one enters, no one leaves
And these walls are not my friends

Two clocks on different walls
Ticking off-beat to each other
One is the Past, the other the Now
And both won't wait

The pictures are all weathered and torn
Missing important pieces
Keeping the dust-covered facts
And denying the Future its' hold

When Night falls, there is no change
It's only closer to tomorrow
But tomorrow has turned into yesterday
And my hands are still empty

When life is hard, you have to change

2008-09-07T23:22:00.000-03:00

"The children of separation are always targets for hurt. I should know, coming from a separated family. They either never get to know both their parents, or they are tugged between the 2, in some unneeded control struggle.
I remember when my wife left me, hurt alot, all I had was my little girl. Big responsibility for someone who's Life just came crashing down. Time though has a way of not exactly mending peoples scars, but allowing them to forget the scars. Some things are just more important.

I am sorry if you don't want me to be her Father, but I am. I don't know if that's how you feel, but it seems like it most days. I am equally as sorry that you are mad at me, more because I don't know how to stop it. All I can tell you are the facts. You have full custody of my Daughter. My Daughter has a Father who loves her very much.

Please don't keep her away from me again."

2 hours spent writing this. Trying to delete what was being written out of vengeful spite. In the end though, I couldn't click that little "Add Comment"" button. 'Sleep on it' a friend advised. So I did.
And now, here it is, a part of the whole. A short chapter in the story, tucked away in my world, openly viewable by all. I won't continue the fight by adding fuel directly to the fire, but I won't keep the shit in either.

Bottled shit smells badly after a while.

Ciao

And these memories lose their meaning

2008-09-03T00:43:00.000-03:00

I am doing absolutely horrible, but don't I have an awesome smile?

Why in the hell am I so down on the inside? It's funny but today I got to thinking, I have more then what I seem to. I have so damn many friends and awesome memories. So what if I haven't found what I'm looking for? The road behind me is filled with moments that keep me going. They happened and made me what I am right at this moment, smiling and at peace.

Is it all bout me? No, it's about what I can do. Ripping down what stops me from doing what I can. An old friend once told me "Be happy for today." I've remembered it from time to time, and it has always brought me back to the light. And now, when I need it most, I am.

A long time ago, I wrote this:
"Far behind the crowd but close enough to hear.
The Life that I wanted is still nowhere near.
And why won't this pen free the tears from my eyes?"

I think I need to try to finish it:

"I've walked through the crowd and took what I may
Life's journey is not over so I cannot stay
My eyes look forward, my soul reaches back."

Ciao

If I could go back in time to the place in my soul, there all alone

2008-08-31T19:50:00.000-03:00

To the one I love(d), to the one who doesn't share it this time
Is it all about me, or something bigger? How does one straighten a crooked line?

I fight "The Past" daily, as it jumps out from under the ground
Shaking the dust of yesterday off of it's mane
Shooting its venomous darts at me, slowing my responses
I watch as, one by one,
the people I know get sucked under the earth
Pulled away from this world, the one where I can relate
To the one where I don't fit
It will tie me up and drag me away too if I try to run

So I choose to live among it
Watching helplessly as, one by one,
the people I know get dragged away
All with perfectly complacent smiles
Unaware of the silent horrors they are being subjected to
I stand silently, dressed in confusion
Speaking the words none other but "The Past" may understand
Because the truth is so horrible, it will haunt my dreams for all time

I am the only suitable case study in lonliness
In this world, filled with thousands, who cannot see me
So I ask myself again? Is it all about me?
Swimming in the dust of the past
Making no effort or claim to the good or bad
Using the slowest form of time travel to have one question answered

You cannot change "The Past", you can only keep it dear
You can use "The Past" to shape "The Future"
With the answer before me, the beast becomes still
The blur around me slows to pitch
And I am free

Ciao

Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

2008-07-26T00:07:00.000-03:00

1. What is your occupation? Fish Philosophy guy
2. What color are your socks right now? Is "dirty" a color?
3. What are you listening to right now? Rolling Stones - Paint it Black
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A cup of coffee, yes, I literally ate it, it *was* about 3 hours old after all
5. Can you drive a stick shift ? Why, you need a lift or something?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? *heavy sigh* oh Misses Email Quiz Thingy .... don't EVER change, ok?
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? a Meat Puppet
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I have to, if I don't *at least* force some sort of like, he'll break into my house and shed back hair all over my f##kin bathtub, methinks....
9. How old are you today? 35 years, 6 mos & 20 days old
10. Favorite drink milk or water? Rum-flavored water
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Olympic Lawn Darts
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? *I* haven't, my nieces, on the other hand.... *insert frustration here*
13. Pets? One cat, AND 2 day old kitties!!!11!!one11!!
14. Favorite food? Egg, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, sausage, tomato and spam
15. Last movie you watched? The Happening
16. Favorite Day of the year? Febtobuaryday
17. What do you do to vent anger? 1. Collect rocks 2. Windshield appraisals
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Spam
19. What is your favorite season? Spam
20. Hugs or kisses? Spam
21. Cherry or Blueberry? Spam
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? No, I want my friends to give me cash, (sheesh) , you're getting slow, Misses Email Quiz thingy
23. Who is most likely to respond? To what? Electroshock therapy? Probably Aquaman??
24. Who is least likely to respond? Again, a little sketchy with the questions, Misses E.Q.T.. Given the last scenario, I would think a sheep, I mean, c'mon, it's a wool sweater with legs! It probably gets shocked when it farts/sneezes/etc
25. When was the last time you cried? Nice try!
26. What is on the floor of your closet? Spam
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I like clicking "Reply All"!!!!
28. What is your full name? Hugh Vaughan Weathergrundy MacEachern (Ok, one of those isn't right, but I can dream, right?)
29. Who is the friend you have had the shortest that you are sending this to? You know, I've had more substantial relationships, Misses E.Q.T.. I mean, I can understand the 3rd degree, it's what you *do*. But, the least you can do is pay attention to what I type!
30. Favorite smells? Dust pan/garbage can/water can/flowered rug/laundry basket
31. What inspires you? Spam
32. What are you afraid of ? Spam
33. Cheese or spicy hamburgers? Spammity spam
34. Favorite car? 1972 Oldsmobile Toronado
35. Favorite cat breed? ooOOOOOO, if you could breed a cat with a shitzou puppy! (Only so you could tell people you JUST had a litter of Sh-ats! ... or sh-itties!)
36. Number of keys on your key ring? I'd like to take this opportunity to say how much I enjoy the soothing sounds of Hurratorpedo. NO ONE ELSE can slam fridge doors and smash pots and pans like them British brainiacs!!
37. How many years at your current job? So, Misses E.Q.T., enough about me, what about you? You seem *so* professional! Let me guess ... ummm, o-oh, oh wait! I GOT IT! You're a model!! *winks seductively*
38. Favorite day of the week? Sonntag
39. How many states/provinces have you lived in? One province, SEVERAL states! State of Confusion, State of Shock, State of Union Address, ... um, wait .....
40. Do you think you're funny? I had a REALLY great time tonight, Misses E.Q.T.. We should do this again sometime! ... *starts to walk away* So, you free next Febtoburaryday?

Ciao

Now these points of data make a wonderful line

2008-07-12T13:41:00.000-03:00

It's funny how we hate. Useless actions and words said for no other obvious reason then to cause misery. Hate breeds hate in most. Everyone has that 'Jaded switch', the one that flicks on subconsciously when it's time to defend yourself. And a good portion of people point the hate inwardly, tearing themselves apart, until all that is left is the gift of hate, given to them long ago.

I'm no better.

Can we change that part of ourselves that causes grief for no other reason then to defend our weaknesses? It's not something that can be pointed out; isolate the infection and cure it. It can only be found by the owner, that dust-covered box, still wrapped-up with the gift tag bearing the name of the giver. of course, once you find it, what do you do with it? Can't really use it effectively, right off the bat. Inside the box is black and grey, swirling around like some evil stew, and it makes noises, sour noises like those heard at a wake. Who would want to ever use this?

So, we try to give it back to the owner. Too late for that. Sorry. They gave it to you because they didn't really want it in the first place. Why did you ever take this thing? So, now, we're stuck with it. Gotta hide it. Weird thing about this gift is it reacts to other unwanted gifts. Once it hears/sees another present like itself, it pops open and starts yowling. Goddamnit! No matter how far under the bed you stuff it, it can be heard!

I guess the trick to it is right at the beginning. Don't accept the hate. Let it scream and howl. REALLY see it for what it is. Just another toddler learning that "If I bite the kitties tail, it makes a noise...." and sometimes it claws me back, feeding this blackness inside.... Then, you can see how senseless it is, a continuous circle of nothing.

Then, you can make it better.

Ciao

even when the paths're all crookedy

2008-06-08T01:28:00.001-03:00

Asking myself if I am "proud" of who I am and what I have become is a scary question. I've been thinking alot lately about what my Mom wanted for my future, or what she hoped for me and how I have turned out. I know she did everything for me, went way out of her way to make sure I had all that I needed, but if she were alive today, would she be proud? The only person I can ask is myself, and I do not know. Or maybe I just know the answer, and do not want to say it.

With Fathers day coming, you would think my old man's impressions of me would be of importance too, wouldn't you? But that would imply that he had any doings in my growing up. 6 houses away is a universe to a 7 year old, and I simply did not know he existed. I live 6 houses away from my daughter, and she doesn't need a plane ticket to go visiting. I exist. And yes, there are things in the past that are festering and wounded. If they are that scarred, though, how can they affect me this much?

I guess my own importance, or what I wanted to be when I grew up, has taken a back seat to my Daughters well-being, in some ways. And now, that I am getting older, it's becoming clearer that this might be all that there is. But, I can still make differences daily, just with my words. I wish I could find the words that express this dark, foreboding feeling of an "ending" that has been looming over me these past few months. Maybe if I could describe it, I could understand it and conquer it.

For all the lost souls, empty words and forgotten moments, it all amounts to this ... "what you *see* right now".

Ciao

No one's standing at your door

2008-05-09T05:27:00.000-03:00

Still walking down this road after all these years. Every now and then stopping to look around. The few paths that have crossed mine left faint memories, only seen now in black-and-white blurs; the road ahead filled with moving shadows. And the people on the roads beside me, ahead of me, behind me ... I see them and wonder if they ever really see me, or am *I* just a black-and-white blur? A moving shadow?

"It's for the best" is what the voice in my head keeps repeating. I no longer hear it and try to believe it like I used to. Time has burnt it into my thoughts as true, since invalidating it leads to madness.

So, I keep getting up from the shoulder of the road, the only thing I have known, and trying to see what I cannot see. Injecting empty words into the silence, so it doesn't drive me crazy. Straining my vision beyond what I have heard to what is really me. Getting harder and harder to not let the road beat me.

I never made this road. I found it a long time ago. Someday I'll reach the end. I hope by then someone hears my silent scream.

Ciao

and to another give my seat, for that's the only painless feat

2008-04-21T00:11:00.000-03:00

Not with a bang or a sigh. Nothing will mark its coming. It happens slowly; is happening as you read this. Pieces get lost, misplaced and replaced over time, until the puzzle is finished and gone at the same time.

But my eyes are still open, watching it all fly away. Where is my complacent smile? When did the laughter stop? How did all this crap get stuffed into this tiny place so quickly? ... have to breathe. The pain by my eyes will stop once I close them, but the pain behind my eyes can still be seen.

Reality blurs. Momentary sense of my mortality. Will anyone want my memory, like all the other treasures I have lost? The temporary darkness that rules my thoughts tells me No. With no one to argue the point, why should I think it a lie?

Still, with all this blatant thievery, I try to find something to laugh at, to bring a partial warmth to the small place left inside. Feeling this, the pain and the lie of the smile I try to show, means I still own this part of me, no one has stolen it from me .... yet.

Ciao

What it is and what it ain’t to be real

2008-03-10T06:05:00.000-03:00

Dear Janet,

Every day I get up, I have a decision to make. Do I keep seeing our Daughter and continue to put up with how you treat me? ... or do I say the Hell with it all? I've gotten over you, ok? Can you please stop the hate?

Our Daughter is the most important thing in my Life. So, the choice is clear. But how can I keep on going on, not knowing what is happening with her in school, being tentative of calling to talk to her, not knowing if you will answer and fill the room with hateful comments, hearing my young one tell me she does not want to be your Mailman anymore?

Right now, it would appear, I am just a walking wallet. If someone were to ask you who your daughters Father was, would you tell them he's a jerk? Would you tell them I call your house and leave answering machine messages, telling you to grow up? Telling you if you don't, you wouldn't be seeing our Daughter anymore? Would you tell them how I stopped letting you know when Parent-Teacher interviews were? Or when her school plays were? That, even though the school won't send home anything to you, I won't send over a simple newsletter every now and then, just to keep you up-to-date on how she is doing, as much as you have asked? Would you tell them I kept our daughter from seeing you for over a year? And the first thing our daughter said to you after that year was "I missed you for that whole year, Daddy?"

No, no you wouldn't. That's what *I* have been saying. I wish it weren't all true.

At first, I wanted some sort of apology for all this. But I know you don't realize what you are doing. You.just.hate. Maybe, if I could understand why you hate so much, all this wouldn't be happening? Is there something *I* need to apologize for to make this stop? Have I missed something?

The last time we spoke, you said I don't care. If I didn't care, would I choose to stay where someone is making me feel like a loser 24/7, so I could be the ONLY thing I can be now?

A Father.

please ... no more hate.

Ciao

don't you worry you'll find yourself, follow your heart and nothing else

2008-03-04T06:09:00.000-04:00

Hi. My name is Hugh MacEachern. I have a Daughter named Amber Jane, who does not live with me. I was married for 7 years, been single for 8 years and have been on this earth for 35 years. My ex-wife despises me to the point restraining orders had to be put in place so she would stop calling me but I get along great with her new boyfriend. Both my parents died when I was a teenager and, being the youngest of my family, my siblings and I do not see each other much, out of disassociation.
I do not take pills or stick needles in my arms. I do like my rum, a little too much at times. I have worked at my current job for almost 3 years now and am trying hard to see the forward motion in it. I was baptized Catholic, raised as a Jehovah's Witness and do not actively practice either religion. I have a tattoo on my left shoulder, a very bad cover-up of a girls' initials I knew a long time ago. I can recite the alphabet backwards and juggle small objects.

These are facts. I know them because they are true.

... and because late at night, as today turns into yesterday, I think of all these things and wonder if it's all 'for something'.

Ciao

And although my eyes were open, they might just as well have been closed.

2008-02-03T19:47:00.002-04:00

"Floating through time, like an ageless statue
Moss collecting in the shade and lines running through my brow
Not really here anymore, existing in the Past, unable to create new memories, no matter how hard I try
All there is is silence." - Hugh MacEachern

I want to start this entry with one sentence. I am not gay. I like women.... ALOT! I just have all this frigging baggage. It's bad enough that I can't even pick up the really, REALLY desperate chicks. You know you're messed up when a crack-ho says "Yea, maybe not, ok?"
So, what else? Ok, got a new 4x4. It's like Bigfoot's evil twin! Can't wait til Summer... hell yea. AND, got a nice little promotion at work. Less work, more pay, niii--iiice. Also, my Daughters Grandfather (Poppy) is now on speaking terms with me, after almost 10 years. Why? "Because I want to be your Daddy's friend" :)

Still waiting for her though, wherever she is. I'll always be waiting, til the dust turns to rain.

Ciao

Did that voice inside you say I've heard it all before

2008-01-18T21:52:00.000-04:00

8:43 PM Matt: http://www.lostinbrittany.org/dotclear/images/2007-06/camiseta_geek.jpg

me: Did you hear 'em talkin' 'bout it on the radio

Did you try to read the writing on the wall

Did that voice inside you say I've heard it all before

8:44 PM It's like Deja Vu all over again

8:48 PM Matt: wtf?

me: you know what I hate about people? Their inherint ability to do what they always do, over and over, completely blind to their ways, what they are doing, and the stupidity of it all

If people would only STOP

Matt: Ummmm.

me: NO STOP

8:49 PM thank you

Matt: You ok, brother?

me: ok, I'm not done

If people would only stop being idiots and just say "Ok, you're right, I'm sorry", this fucking world would be a better place, and I would lose this damn

fucking

sick feeling

8:50 PM you have NO IDEA what total shit is

I wish someone would, but it's all relative

relative to what we see and our tolerance

and my tolerance has been tested so damn much, My saint Mother would have been kicking ass and taking names by now

8:51 PM it's all I can do not to get the fuck out of this chair, march out the door and start swinging

Ok, I'm done

weird ass picture link btw

GAY

8:53 PM Matt: So, the next question is : You had voicemail when you got home?

8:55 PM me: meh, I'm over that now, having only the cat to yell at and sitting here when the shit storm started, followed by a not-too-timely PM from you meant YOU got the full frontal instead of the cat getting chased

9:05 PM Matt: ROFL

me: I'm a liar btw

Have I mentioned that?

Yup, big FAT liar

9:06 PM you can stop reading now, if you want

really, all this is just nonsensical jibberish anyways, yammerings from a liar should be ignored anyways

and I lie alot! WHOOO BOY

Ok, Head of maintenance enforcement and I talked 2 years ago

she's an old woman with a walker

anyways

9:08 PM it was decided that I would make an attempt to pay off the arrears for my child support for the year i wasn't allowed to see Amber through giving up my GST cheques

9:09 PM so, from then on, instead of a tri-monthly cheque, I got a tri-monthly reciept, informing me how much was withheld because of a Family Orders act

fair enough

9:10 PM Matt: ok...

me: I tell bitchface's meatpuppet that, who calls maintenance, gets told that they have not recieved anything and that I am a liar, liar liar pants on fire, getting his cheque on a chicken wire

AND SPENDING IT

YUP, SPENDING IT, BUYING CRACK OR SOMETHING

anyways, this kind of goes against the reciepts I have, and the arrangement me and walker-lady had agreed upon

9:11 PM so, I try to call taxation

they don't answer

so I go down, in my little-to-no-gas vehicle to talk to someone at taxation about this

9:12 PM they, of course, give me a number I can call (from right in the building) to ask about it, because they don't know

Must be on crack or something

and, of course, I call the number, being an idiot, and ask if I can find out where my GST cheque is going

Matt: Hmmm... this reminds me of how much I love our govenment.

9:13 PM me: and they immediatley tell me I need to call the GST centre, here's their TOLL-FREE #

WOOOHOOO! TOLL-FREE???? WHOLY SMOKES! HOW AWESOME!

9:14 PM I call, hands all sweaty with the excitement of calling the all-mighty, and all knowing GST centre #, the knower of all, the # that it took me a week and 3 mutants to get to

and I get a busy signal all morning

that's ok, that's cool

NOW I have your #, bitches, I KNOW where you are NOW

9:15 PM I'll just spend Monday calling you, until my ear goes deaf

so, I go to work, all's good, everythings great

I come home, and the dAMN LIGHTS FLASHING ON THE PHONE, CAPS LOCK AUTOMATICALLY CAME ON, HOW CONVENIENT

9:16 PM stupid meat puppet, "Hey Hughie. It's Frank. Call me when you get this message"

"Hi Frank"

"Yeah, so, I went down to Maintenance Enforcement and they told me that they have not recieved anything. You lied to us."

9:17 PM "Gee, that would mean this reciept I keep getting is lying to me, what a runaround, eh?"

"Yeah, oh wait..." sound of either a cat getting fucked in the eye or a mouse exploding over and over

"Yeah, and Janet says yada yada yada yada drone drone.. script speak much?"

9:18 PM "Ok, you know what Frank, I want to apologize to you. It''s kinda obvious (I have cut out alot of me trying to talk but getting over-talked by the damn mouse explosions btw) that having you as the middle person here isn't going to work."

9:19 PM "Y'see, being civil is about talking and being heard, kinda hard to hear me when that mouse is exploding in the corner, isn't it?"

"...yup..."

9:20 PM "Ok, so, I don't want this to offend you but, you don't have to be the middle man anymore, ok? Janet's going to have to find someone else, ok?"

"How am I going to say this w/o sounding like the meat-puppet who doesn't know fleas from lice?..."

"Oh frank, you can do it, just say it, you big ol' newfie you!"

9:21 PM "Why does Janet have to find someone? Why is it up to her?"

"heh heh heh, good boy Frank! You actually said something using your own words! HERE'S A COOKIE!"

Matt: ROFL

9:22 PM me: "Ok, the reasoning is because a long, long time ago, there was this guy named Hugh, who needed someone to speak to his exploding mouse, y'see?"

"So, he immediately said 'I know! I'll ask the govt!! They will know!"

9:23 PM "And you know what they said Frankie-boy? There is no such thing as you are asking for, but!!!! HERE'S A TOLL-FREE # YOU CAN CALL FOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE!!!!"

"YA! I KNOW!! I WAS ALL LIKE 'WHOA'!!"

"But, I got collected, and thought logically, whom else could I ask?"

9:24 PM "Well, to make a long story short, 3 brothers, 2 sisters, 1 aunt and nameless friends later it was decided that no one wants to, nor cares to talk to, an exploding mouse for me"

9:25 PM So, it was fortunate that she assaulted me with the door that day, frankie. if it weren't for that, you wouldn't have been selected by me and the police to be the middle man!"

"And, well, as you can see, nothing can beat an exploding mouse, it's damn loud!"

9:26 PM "So, I have done my part. No more. I either want peace, or nothing"

WOW

I SO RANTED

DID YOU SEE THAT?

IT'S LIKE A DAMN BOOK!

Ok smoke break, gotta read this yammering pack of lies

9:29 PM Matt: It is a book.

I'd post it online, but no-one would get it.

9:30 PM me: Who do you vent to when shit gets too hairy, man? Just curious

anyone?

9:31 PM Matt: Random people on the internet. Or I write poetry.

9:32 PM me: fuck

it's all messed up

the world that is

9:33 PM Matt: Yeah brother. The world is messed up.

me: where's my damn manual for this shit?

9:34 PM Matt: I lost it.

9:37 PM me: "Hey Frank. See this reciept? Ya, it's dated January 2008. It says 'We have withheld the GST/HSTC because of a court order under the Family Orders and Agreements Enforcement Assistance Act". ... I do NOT like being called a liar. I do NOT want an apology for you two calling me a liar either. You know what I want? I want this little "Hugh's a loser-liar" act to stop. I mean, it has been almost 10 years now, ok? That's it. That's all I have to say. Bye"

just practicing man

Matt: Do it up. :-D

9:38 PM You'll feel better.

Ciao

From now on our troubles will be miles away

2007-12-11T10:51:00.000-04:00

"Love is what's in the room at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 7

Almost year end. Let's review!

Downs

My little GoTruck has died.
Old girlfriend has shown me the line.
I'm working roughly 12 hours a day.
And for the 6th year in a row, I'll be alone Christmas morning.

Ups

I'm still alive.

There, that's out of my system, ... well, a bit of it. Relatively speaking, I'm not doing too badly. Not that anyone cares or that it matters to anyone else but me. When you think on a "relative scale", everything boils down to "1"'s and "0"'s. Pass or Fail.

Even though it is not statistically sound that clinical depression cases rise around the Holiday season, it happens. Most are easy to spot. Listless, isolated, focused on what is driving them insane. Most are... others, like me, after years of living with it, have adapted, shifted and created a new lifeline, one filled with the sour, empty feelings. Left alone long enough, anything's possible....

What do I want for Christmas? Something material? That's an easy one. I want what only one person has ever given me. I want someone, "anyone" to give me physical proof (not more words, sayings, quotes, theories, etc) that someone cares. Substantial, tangible proof that I am doing all this FOR something.

...or a new truck.

Ciao

True

2007-12-05T00:29:00.001-04:00

Waiting. Waiting for what though? The road is still fog-covered and the windshield hasn't been cleaned for years... you can get used to seeing things out of focus over time apparently. Lacking. Missing something important. Only really me when I sleep, but the dreams tell me otherwise.

Yesterdays tears cannot be cried again, they don't exist anymore. Mourning my memories and predicting the future. Destiny making me react against my wishes.

Silence. That is all there is. Wanting and hoping and believing and a million other useless words that mean nothing. What there is is not named. Cannot be named. Those that have seen it, lived it and known it cannot speak. Their minds are elsewhere. In the past.

I hope you are well, my friend. I hope you woke up today with random, frivolous thoughts in your mind, spoke words that didn't have to mean something. I hope you don't wander past the wall. Things there are best left in the dark. Unnoticed and unknown, by all but me.

Ciao

No one's really sure who's lettin' go today

2007-12-01T00:30:00.000-04:00

I thought it would hurt. Hearing about you that way. But it didn't. Was I distracted by something and it just didn't sink in? Or maybe it did, but the me "Now" just doesn't care. I hope it isn't the latter. I wish it wasn't the former.

Not that it matters. Because it should, but it doesn't.

I'm just glad it does hurt, somewhat. I haven't died inside if the pain still stings. I'm just numb. In shock maybe. "Reality cheque please!"
I heard a woman's tears of happiness today, because I did what no one else did, or could. I listened to and heard her. Her name was Eleanor. Contrary to popular belief, there IS a major difference between the two, and how each person interprets that is different. If I was dead, inside-out, I would have become one of the overwhelming masses that only hear the words, not the meanings ... only say the words, not the meanings. I'm glad it stings, it means I am still alive.

.....being alone..... being alone only hurts the person involved, no one else. And there are many, many Eleanor's' in the world, waiting for someone to listen, waiting for someone to hear them. The hurt isn't all that being alone consists of though. Being truly alone is being yourself. The only person that can hurt you, is you. The only person that can help you, is yourself. By listening, and hearing. Understanding.

To Hell with the hard ass. That's a mask. A shield made from broken dreams and sour memories. If you somehow look past that wall, the emptiness is never ending. I have my walls, my masks, my shields ... but they are made of the memories of "getting over" the emptiness. The only thing behind my mask is me.

This only leaves me with one question.

Why can't people listen with more then just their ears?

Ciao

There used to be a time when you were everything

2007-11-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

Some people you just have to let go. I am saying this, however, with the knowledge that a monkey has of the Sun. He knows it's there, but doesn't fully know what it is. You would think if I knew nothing about it, it would be easy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong...
Why do I wear my heart on my sleeve? Why can't I just accept? Is there something wrong with me? .... No, I don't think I'm any different from anyone else. Apparently I feel the sting more then others, or maybe I just let the sting in more. Or maybe people these days don't appreciate being mentally unbalanced and emotionally normal. Thankfully, I have my own will, and I have this facet. Writing.
So, I've been a 3rd wheel, a bur in the side, and the person you never knew. Of those three, the 3rd will be the one you will have to get to understand, my unforgotten memory. Because you don't, you won't and you obviously never will get it. You don't understand how hard it is to never give up on anything, all your Life, and then realize one day, after beating your head against that same wall again, that the things you are committed to are slowly killing you.
Now, what to do? Do I turn the page, tear it out and burn it, do I leave it on the ground and hope I never see it again, or do I recycle it? Maybe this is the page, maybe I've already turned it over again, and now I sit here, writing all over it "THATS IT! I'M DONE! NO MORE!!"

Now, I will leave it here, and when I see it again, I'll remember.

Ciao

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

2007-11-16T01:36:00.000-04:00

A smile from a veil

2007-11-10T01:32:00.000-04:00

We're not the same person we were yesterday. We won't be the same person tomorrow that we woke up as today either. But the fleeting moments we share, lived in our memories as we go about our daily existence, give us a chance to travel back in Time, to a place where the air was different, the light brighter.
I wonder, Dear friend, if you remember the same way I do. If, just the thoughts of those days, bring those things days for you. Bring them back so richly that you can taste the air and cover your eyes from the light.
I won't say I miss you all, I do. But, to speak honestly, what I miss has a name I cannot fully comprehend. It is almost like I miss the experience, but bigger then that.

I miss the world.

You are all still out there, though, products of your yesterdays, seeds of the Future. And you are all here too, in memory. The glass memory I hold of those times, those places. Those things that make us and have made us.

To Mark - I'm still alive, I hope you are well too
To Andrea - Be happy please
To Kevin - Thank you for being my friend
To Melanie - I want to miss you
To Chris - I'm sorry
To Charlotte - You were right

To everyone else? I miss you all...

Ciao

I'm the loudest one laughing at the saddest wake

2007-10-27T15:28:00.000-03:00

I guess most people don't understand me, those that would take a moment to try. I'm constantly trying to piece myself together as well.

One thing I know, I *need* humor.

Ok, let me explain something. A long time ago, a very close friend explained to me something very important. "We all want money, free time, gadgets and doo-dads. But we don't need them to live. If we go without air, we die. If we go without human contact, we don't die, physically, we die mentally. Do you understand?"

So, I don't just "want" humor, I need it. Without it, things get Black and Grey. People lose their tactile relativity and things get out-of-focus. I haven't tried going for longer then a few weeks without it. I usually end those periods of time, laughing like a freaking maniac at something very, very bland. laughing like I was going to have a heart-attack. These laughing bouts usually end with tears.

It's almost like going underwater and getting your foot stuck under a rock. You fight and pull at your foot, all the while thinking "O frig, o frig, I'm screwed". Your vision gets bleary as you try not to breathe in the water that will replace the air you need and inevitably kill you. Finally, after freeing yourself, you frantically swim back to the surface and, as soon as you break, your body screams in air, violently. Trying to get in as much as you need, 'til your eyes water.

So, if I seem off-kilter with the things I say and do, it's just my way of breathing, my way of keeping alive.

Ciao

It's been so long since I've been home

2007-10-19T06:17:00.000-03:00

"Hello 2 A.M.. What thoughts do you have for me tonight?"

"Well, lets get started with work, why don't we?"

"Ok, what about it?"

"Isn't it funny that you try *so hard* to put all of yourself into your job but you can *never* really talk about what you do? Isn't it sadly ironic that, even though you're pretty proud about how you **** **** ****** ***** ** **** or how you **** *** ******* ***'* ***, you are not allowed to discuss it openly with others?"

"Ok 2 A.M., we're off to another bad start tonight, I see. Let's switch topics, ok?"

"Sure buddy, anything for an old friend. How's your social life? Met anyone new & exciting?"

"sigh"

"Oh, that's right! You're still going with your whole 'hermitization theory', aintcha? How's that going, anyways? Learning anything new about yourself? Opening up any doors?"

"You know something, 2 A.M.? Sometimes I think you only come around to make the new day worse before it even begins."

"Oh c'mon, man. You know you need me. You know that without me, you would never realize how quickly things have gotten out of control. Or how you really want to do things out of the ordinary but don't. Damn man! Without me?... you might actually get some decent sleep at night!"

"Ok, listen. We can talk but you're gonna have to pick something that is appropriate, ok?"

"........ how's your little one?"

"Yup, knew it. You are getting too predictable, 2 A.M.. You can stick around for a while, if you want, but I'm hitting the hay. Turn out the lights and lock the doors when you leave, ok?"

"Ok pal, I always do, don't I?"

"Ciao"

The most loneliest day of my life

2007-09-27T22:14:00.000-03:00

Woke up this morning, with just enough time to start burning a new kids movie for the young one, before running out the door for work. The girl at the corner store sold me my pack of smokes, like usual, filling up 5 minutes with inane chatter, consisting of mostly nothing.
Work drags on for the most part of the day, sitting at my little desk, with my little chair and my little computer, staring at the screen and trying hard not to lose touch. People talk to me and I respond, filling their moments with mostly inane chatter, meaning nothing.
Going home now, watching the cars drive past, wondering if the people in those cars are feeling as lost as myself. I make a wrong turn and wind up back there again. Why can't I remember where I live? Idiot.
Finally home. Cats hungry, messages from people I don't know on the phone, computer tells me another DVD's done. I should eat, I suppose, but I don't. I usually don't, why break tradition?

And now, here I sit, elbow to knee, just like last night, wondering if you're out there.

Ciao

Fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd

2007-09-10T04:00:00.000-03:00

We all try, we all fail ... not all of us notice. Its true that we learn from our mistakes and experience makes us wiser but I think I'm better off for the time being not noticing the failures.

Something is telling me to just sit back and chill out

I remember back before it all changed. Living was all about laughing and never looking back. Through a Gaussian filter I see it all now though, and Time has a way of playing with the facts. Its best if I don't try to change what is behind me back there, and just keep it saved in my memories, my own way.

So now, here I stand. Just woken up from a sleep that seemed to never have a beginning. Yesterday is just a blurred image, becoming more and more obscure as the layers of dust settle on it. But yesterday, I woke up much the same way as today. If this is acceptance of morality, why won't I remember it tomorrow?

Because Life is ever-changing. And I am standing on 12:00 AM.

Ciao

The check's in the mail

2007-09-03T00:59:00.000-03:00

Simple communication. It can be SUCH a useful thing, can't it?
Ok, lets backtrack here. I work 2 jobs, 1 full-time, 1 part-time.
With me so far?
Good.
Ok, so, Full-time job pays me on time. They always do, direct deposit & such. I spend what I have to and am short about 150 bucks for rent.
YIKES!
But thats okay! ... why? Because I have a part-time job, thats why. And with the hours I spend working with them, after the full-time job, I have just enough to make up the difference for rent and get groceries.

"Yeah, Mister landlord, sir. Here's 3/4 of the rent. Can you drop by tomorrow at about 6. I'll have the rest for ya tomorrow"
"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss. Give me a call when the check's are done tomorrow, ok? About 5:30? The checks'll be done around then, right? .. cool."

Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:00 Tick Tick Tick Tick 5:30 Tick Tick Tick 6:00

*Ring Ring*

"Hey Mister Assistant to the Boss, check's done yet? What? Not 'til tomorrow? Wh-what? The Boss said he would call me about it? ... yeah, I got to pay rent ... at...at 6. No, nope he didn't call me... wow, I don't think he SHOULD call me... um, what am I..... WOW, I have no cigarettes, no gas..... He's out playing POOL? Yeah, I have to stop talking about this, I'm getting mad and I want to yell, ok?"

*click*

Simple communication.
Useful but little known tool in the eyes (and ears) of the absent-minded.

Ciao

he tries to please them all, this bitter man he is

2007-08-28T11:37:00.000-03:00

As normal as it all gets, its still kind of permeated with thoughts. If I had amnesia, I'd probably be content, but unfortunately I have memories. Some good, some bad, most in the in-between area of "just there". Keep thinking that it will be like the stories say "...and on his death bed, the blind man said 'I see...' and then passed away."
The least I can do is to stop trying to correct old passages of time and do what I can now. I'll make mistakes, ... everyone does. But I'm living right now.

In all that I've done wrong, I know I must have done something right...

2007-07-30T00:02:00.000-03:00

Well, little girl, summer vacation is almost over. Tomorrow morning, I have to give you back to Mom. I know the place is going to be so much more quiet when I get home. Maybe I'll just drive around for a while, at least until that feeling leaves.

We had fun though, playing hide and seek, imaginary adventure games, watching movies, laughing and giggling at silly things. Now, after just tucking you in and kissing your forehead goodnight, those things are just memories. Picking up your toys from the living room, unplugging the bathtub and putting your clothes into the hamper ... I'd say I wish we had more time, but I know there is never enough time.

Everyone has problems, little one, and it takes a big person to accept those problems and sort them out. I wish I could accept the fact that you don't live with me. I dearly wish I could stop the pain I feel inside when you have to go away ... the pain that is that voice in the back of my head saying "You are missing something in your life right now."

I love you, little girl.

Carved In Stone

2007-07-24T23:26:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

I don't think I have given up on "looking for someone". Fact of the matter is, I am not looking for anyone. I want to meet someone, someone that will bring the light back. But, I have seen alot and I don't think I can watch any of that again. I already know how the storyline ends, most of the time.
One of the best books I have ever read (the five people you meet in heaven) explained it the best. I've had some good times. I've made differences in some peoples lives; some good, some not so good. And now, that that is all said and done, I'll sit and wait for ... well, ... for whatever comes in the end.
After all, whether you believe in Heaven or Hell, the afterlife, cremation or the Great Nothing, we all will meet again someday. So what if my life is secluded. At least it's not filled with the stress and trauma of dual-emotions battling it out. Don't you think its better to be lonely and hope-filled then to turn around to a warground-past and try to live with it?

Ciao

Can you say brainwashing?

2007-07-09T02:22:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Taken from The Men’s Rights Manual for Divorce

"The elemental bond that links fathers with their children is the subject of ancient poetry, biblical legend, and even diplomatic stand-offs. Remember Homer's epic saga of Odysseus and Telemachus? The New Testament tale of the prodigal son? And of course the Elian Gonzalez case.

Xavier Quinta was born on June 24, 1998 to Bennett Vonderheide and Wendy Flanders of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. But the relationship went sour and the couple separated.

In February 2003 the judge awarded custody of Xavier to his mother, ordering that he spend two days a week with his father. But Flanders soon decided to ignore the judge's order, at first restricting visits to only two hours a day, and then thwarting all contact for months at a time.

But that wasn't enough, so Flanders schemed to alienate Xavier from his father.

According to the contempt motion, Flanders first withheld information from Ben, refusing to advise him about school programs, teacher conferences, or even the name of the kindergarten where Xavier would be attending.

She then fabricated multiple allegations of abuse, a claim of fear being the only proof she needed. Then she used these unproven accusations to show Xavier that his father was a perp. On the advice of counselors, the father once made several telephone calls to the child. The mother then claimed those calls amounted to harassment. The district attorney later dismissed the ridiculous charge.

Next she resorted to outright manipulation. One day Flanders informed the father he wouldn't be allowed to see his son for Christmas Eve. Then she had the child dress up in anticipation of the father's visit. When the father didn't arrive, she used that as proof the father was a deadbeat.

And finally, Flanders violated a key requirement of the custody order that neither make "derogatory comments about the other parent." Instead, she waged a campaign of calumnies, repeatedly calling Ben a liar and abuser.

Once Xavier introduced his father to his classmates as, "This is my Daddy -- he is filled with hatred and anger" -- a phrase that a five-year-old boy is unlikely to come up with on his own.

But as Xavier grew older, he began to realize that he was caught in the middle of a high stakes tug-of-war. He said he didn't want his mother to control him, and much to her dismay wanted to spend more time with dad.

That gave Vonderheide his opening. He decided to stop the mother from turning the child's transfer into a screaming confrontation. At the next visit, the father sat calmly on a bench, and cast his best "I'm not sure what game you're playing but I'm not interested" look. Problem solved.

Once accused of being "the worst dad in the world," Vonderheide pointed out to his son that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden had killed thousands of persons. "So I'm at least the third worst dad in the world," dad humorously concluded.

Last month Wendy Flanders was found guilty on three counts of making false statements to law enforcement officials, fined, and placed on probation. And Ben Vonderheide's record was expunged on many of the counts against him. The battle cost him $350,000 in legal expenses.

This Sunday, 8-year-old Xavier will be spending Father's Day with his dad. They plan to play laser tag, go for a hike, and maybe take in a movie.

Father and son, reunited."

There's ugliness in this world. Ugliness that sometimes people cannot see. And even if they did, they wouldn't be able to comprehend it because it is not theirs. The above story hit home for me, due to having lived it. And I guess I am posting it here as a reminder to me of all that has come and past.

Ciao

I jumped into the river too many times to make it home

2007-07-03T15:30:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

So I was invited to go out last weekend. I bailed last moment. On the drive home, I understood why. I wanted to go out, it really sounded like a good time! But for too long now, my Life has rotated around one, simple schedule:

Work all week
Visit with my daughter on weekend

I fought for this schedule. Went a full year without seeing her, unfairly. Took people to court for it, w/o lawyer, and won. Reasoning being? ... my little girl is the most important thing in my world. Now? .. the terminology of "Having a Life" is kind of different for me. My weekends are spent seeing her, so she understands that I am her Dad. So she knows this was *not* my idea.

I don't do much of anything else on the weekends, understandably enough. I hermitized myself, in order to keep room for her. On occassion, I try to do things on my own for fun. But I always end up thinking "Is this *really* what you want to do and where you want to be?" And now, its natural to turn down offers to "go out". People say, in defense, "Why don't you just get a baysitter?" If YOU had to struggle for a year to be permitted to do something you had full rights to, would you let it slip *that* easily?

Trying to work that around a job is interesting as well. I have already let 2 jobs drop because they interfered with this VERY BASIC schedule. And do not have any qualms about letting other things drop for it in the future, if it gets in the way. I think this is completely understandable. Why can't other people understand that I can only set aside Febtober the 35th as a weekend without my little girl?

What gets me though is, when she comes over to visit, I don't really want to be annoyed by people asking me to "go over and visit", and by all means, to give them a hand. Having a truck is great! .. but if it's my one day out of 7 to see my young one, I do not want to spend it helping someone move, while she tries desperately to keep herself amused. I want her & I to do things together, like a Father & a Daughter should. Is that too much to ask?

Ciao

Should I talk slower like you're a retard?

2007-06-23T13:15:00.001-03:00

Song Of The Moment

What do I got inside me today? Hmmmmmm...... Examining my mental-workings, as fun as it always has been, is starting to lose its appeal, along with alot of other things; the internet, music, achieving goals, etc. I think I've hit the big 404 page in my head.

Working 2 jobs, playing video games, surfing the net, enjoying the freedom of having a truck. There, thats the basics of day-to-day existence. Every weekend, my little girl comes over and I pretend everything's normal, for her sake. She goes back home to Mom and the silence sets in... quiet enough for me to hear those voices. I think they're in my head, but sometimes they sound like they're coming from behind me, or that maybe it's me talking.

"Live for right now... ... Are those Dads' boots by the door? ... ... I don't think I love you anymore... ... I missed you that whole year, Daddy."

Got home last night from visiting, laid down on the couch because the living room decided to start spinning counter-clockwise randomly and, as I stared at the entertainment system, I realized how distant and disconnected my Life is from what I 'percieve' it to be. I live alone, even when I'm in a room full of people. It's just me. Others don't really exist .. they CAN'T really exist in order for me to keep on keeping on, pretending this is how I want my path to unfold. If they did? ... it would be like taking the stopper out of a full bathtub. My lies and make-believes would swirl away from me and I would have to start all over, from the beginning.

So, please, don't take offense if I see through you. I can't really help it now, this far into the game.

Ciao

It's okay to be angry and never let go

2007-06-20T11:18:00.001-03:00

Song Of The Moment

So broken.
Head full of voices
& sentimentality.

Lived this way so long,
can't release them or please them.
Wish for amnesia.

Put on a smile and lie to the world.
Make-believe stories and twisted truths'
mask me

Only those that can read my words when I talk
and hear what I say when I write
could even start to understand.

So I'm alone ...
So are we all.

Ciao

eye was looking into the mirror

2007-06-15T10:43:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

People don't realize how little things can affect peoples' lives. Take your name, for instance. My Mother, God bless her soul, wanted to name me Noel, since I was born so close to Christmas. Dad, however, being the strict Catholic he was, thought of (forceably-enforced) the name Hugh, thinking it would be more appropriate, naming me after P.E.I.'s first Catholic priests' gardener, Hugh-Ban (wtf???).

Having a name like Hugh means you are paranoid from the day you learn English. I hear my name everywhere. "Who did it? HUGH did it" Adding an 'ie' to it doesn't lessen this either. Then, instead of being ONE letter, you're TWO! Not everyone gets a 99% on their English test because they mispelt their own name "U-E"

Having a 'unique' name also means your Life skews from the norm. Don't believe this? Explain Pseudonyms .... So, to say I'm pompous is a fallacy. My Life demands differences, insists on being apart and seperate from the "Norm" (Quick Fact : Hillary Norman "Norm" Peterson was a character on the tv show Cheers, portrayed by George Wendt. Norm's real first name was revealed to be Hillary, named after his grandfather.)

So, what does this have to do with me getting laid? GOOD QUESTION! Not a whole hell of a lot. Besides the fact that hearing "uuuuUUUUuuuuu" breathed heavily into your ear sounds like a death groan and the actual act sounds so fake ... "oh YOU! OHHHH YOO-UUUU!!!!"

In conclusion, when I look in the mirror, I see You, and thats me. Hating on the inside, showing a happy face on the outside.

Ciao

And no one sings me lullabies and no one makes me close my eyes

2007-06-09T21:49:00.000-03:00

Last half hour of "2001 : A Space Odyssey" synced with Echoes by Pink Floyd
Light a spliff and enjoy....

you're gonna listen to me, like it or not.....

2007-06-01T09:35:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

So I met this girl on Monday. Tuesday she called, asking "get me outta here". By Wednesday, I was asking the same thing. Thursday, she listened... I gave her no choice in the matter. And now? .. Friday? ... all is back to normal.
Its funny how some people only hear the sound of their own voices. Not what others are saying and *sometimes*, not even what THEY are really saying.

CASE IN POINT
On 9/3/05, I moved back from S'side, after finishing my Summer adventure, only to find I had nothing ... having sold off everything to *have* the adventure. Almost 2 years later, I have one of the highest paying jobs in my career yet, nice place of my own, bigger then what I had before, nice lil' truck .. and a few new friends.

Moral?
The only person you can count on being there til the end is .. yourself.
Treat that person fairly. Don't lie to them. Don't get overly hard on them. Listen to them.

"They" are all you have...

Ciao

Turn around and meet the hater

2007-05-20T13:29:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Still in hate-mode. Its a silent one though. Pissed off at all the chances I gave/still give to people. Trying so frigging hard to believe there's some sort of reason or honesty in this pile of shit. And still, they walk all over me like some sort of door mat. Take what they can and then fuck off.

...yeeee---aahhhh, all the while I'm smiling like some sort of retard-sped, thinking "I'll come out first in the end". Pffttt. Screw that.
Oh, I'll still be smilin'.... don't turn your back on me though. That smile will turn real damn quick. Don't blame me when you lose out. You lost all your chances the same day *I* lost mine.

And with just as much reason.

Ciao

Uninspired and growing tired

2007-04-26T03:13:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

3 AM. Completely awake. And you know what? I blame you. If it weren't for you, I'd be sleeping peacefully right now. Why'd you do it? No wait, never mind, fuck it. I don't want to know. I'll never understand ... and thats just fine with me.
Everyone says I'm so "approachable" and "friendly".....always smiling and joking. But not tonight. Nope, no one can stop me from showing what I *REALLY* think tonight. It's just me... me and my broken thoughts. And I think I'd be better off if I never knew you existed. MUCH better off. Where are you right now anyways? Not here, thats for damn sure. Because you (like everyone else) are a liar. You don't even remember, do you? The memory is not as important to you as *I* used to think it was. Well, I guess that means we have something in common, doesn't it?

We both have our ignorance....

And I have every damn right to ignore those memories, because they were lies. Non-consequential. I'd much rather pay attention to the truth of the matter. That it's just me from here on out. "Bitter much?", you may ask. To which I will reply "Fuck you, ass jockey. What have YOU done to make me believe in anything different?"

You know who you are, all of you...... Fuck ya's

Ciao

The star that I can't see

2007-04-11T01:35:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Il verde della natura prima è oro,
la sua tonalità più dura da tenere.
Lei fiore del A. del foglio in anticipo.;
Ma soltanto così un'ora.

Allora il foglio si abbassa per frondeggiare.
Così Eden si è affondato al dolore,
in modo da l'alba va giù al giorno.
Niente oro può rimanere.

Ciao

It ain't a crime to be good to yourself

2007-04-05T23:36:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Working all the time has led me to a discovery. I have enough money but absolutely no time to have fun. I'm thinking soon I'm going to have to say "heck with it" for a night and let 'er all go. No sense in working this hard if I can't play hard too, right?

And thats the neat thing about being me! On the outside, I look like a nerd/geek/bookworm who flinches when talked to. And, to a certain degree, this is right. BUT "let 'er all go"?... and yeah, things happen. Roof bridges are built, beaches are visited late at night sans clothing, closets are hunted out for hiding potential and road trips are made.

Soon.....veeerr--rrrrry soon......

Ciao

the power to sit and pretend

2007-03-23T01:52:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

"Dear ,

Yours,
Hugh"

Ciao

Nothing I can say

2007-03-20T23:39:00.000-03:00

Occasionally glancing up through the rain

2007-03-15T23:34:00.001-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Where are you? Sitting in front of a computer? At home? On earth? In Love? In pain? Reality is a funny thing, see? Its all about 'perceptions', and we all have such limited 'perceptions', due to the fact that we percieve what is around us through a limited number of points, five actually, and those five points filter what we percieve. Your eyes have retinas, ears have drums, skin has nerve endings, etc etc. We don't really 'see', ... what is there is filtered through these lenses into what we can comprehend.

Filtered through the "how will this benefit me" lens.

What would it be like to actually understand that first question I asked? To know WHERE you are... without it being hindered by all these filters and lenses. If asked this question tonight, I would honestly have the first answer not typed. Because the first honest answer is "I am alone". No one wants to hear that, so it is not said. Truth or not. Ok, maybe I'm reaching with this one, but hey! THATS what I do!

Final thought. We are all looking for something, but we never find it. Because we don't *really* understand what we are searching for. Maybe its time we all took the time to fully think about what we are looking for in Life, before we lose the chance to find it....

Ciao

Human filth

2007-03-06T02:49:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

So, I'm working 2 jobs now, one Full-time and one Part-time. The part-time job, I believe, is a direct result of my getting a truck. Which actually works out to my advantage, seeing as how *having* the truck is an extra expense which needs tending. And working the 2 jobs is complex. The full-time job consists of talking to people all day, being friendly and halpful, knowledgeable and fair. While the part-time job is just ME, getting the job (labour) done. And I have learned that, after 8 hours of "Whats the weather like?" and other small talk lines, I really have ZERO conversational skills. Trying to cope with someone talking to me after that is taxing, to say the least. And its not that I don't WANT to talk to people. Its just that, when you spend all day working (where working is defined as using your voice to help people and trying not to lose your mind as you look deeply into their thought-trains and try to figure out the inner reasonings and patterns that humans have when dealing with others) with people who, 50 % want to vent and 50% do not know their arse from their head, you really have a dislike for socializing.
And on that note, I see that its almost 3 AM...and that means only 6 more hours til the whole thing starts over again.

Ciao

Jabbo da Hut Strikes BACK!

2007-02-22T19:27:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

So, I have a few mental friends at work. Now you see? ... to call them mental is an understatement and to try to fully explain how mental they are would be impossible. So? .. I am going to post here one of the random emails I have recieved from one of the head Technobos, as we have been called.
WARNING! The content printed below may sicken, offend and make you truly re-think your eating habits. Continue at your own risk!

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Do you remember how we would often hit KFC on St. Peters road for lunch, not because we liked the food there but because of all the freaks that congregate there in search of greasy undercooked MSG over seasoned chicken? I don't think I have been back there since the last
time you and I went. ...until last night.

Last night when driving home I was fucking starving and not looking forward to chili again for the 14th time this week so I stopped in. This is what I saw:

As I got out of my car and walked to the door, I randomly looked into the drivers side window of an old rusted out tempo and made note of the fact the lower seat part of the driver's seat was completely destroyed, so much so that all the padding was worn away from the top and the springs and metal frame of the seat where showing.

As I walked into the vestibule where the inner door interfaces with the outer doors there was a bit of a smell. It was different then the chicken grease type smell you would expect from a greasy chicken place it was more "spicy". The smell itself had a bit of an aftertaste to it. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, but it was unpleasant. Upon entering the waiting area in front of the counter, the smell intensified by at least 816% and became very, very unpleasant. There
was this woman standing infront of the counter trying to decide what she wanted to eat, the smell was coming her....

I need to paint a picture of this woman as I feel its relevant for you to relate to the situation I was in. She was about 5.5 feet tall and of "large" build especially in the ass area. Her ass was the widest part of her and lasted until the middle of her back and stuck out about 10" on each side of her body. Her black sweat pants where pulled all the way up so the waste band was sitting a little higher then mid back so it was over the top of her ass. She had a long sleeve shirt which was tucked into her pants. I then made the connection, the white trash sedan outside was hers and she had committed war crimes against its drivers seat with her freakishly large ass.

The worker at the counter, I could tell he smelt her also. He was waiting with an odd look on his face for her to make up her mind about what she wanted to eat. she stood there shifting her weight between one leg then the other for a good 5 mins with her pointer finger of
her left hand to her lips as she was thinking. I could tell she was shifting her weight between her legs because whatever leg she had her girth on, that butt cheek was tensed up and less flabby and stuck an additional 1.5 inches higher then the non weighted leg.

I realized she was going to take a while because she was obviously a little slow and I wanted to distance myself a little from the smell so I backed off and stood over by the condiment area while she made up her mind and ordered.

I decided to check out the other "people" eating there. There was a table full of them, a family group which consisted of a mum, dad, sister, brother and baby. They where all feasting from a bucket (eating from a bucket is so fucking sal) except for the brother. He looked to be about 7 or 8, 9 max. I watched them and studied them all. Other the the fact they where having a family dinner out of a bucket and the brother wasn't eating anything they looked like a relatively normal family. They all seemed to be in good humor except for the brother who was more or less just watching them eat. I assumed this family belonged to the other vehicle parked outside. A late 1990s ford minivan which looked fairly respectable but on closer inspection the front end was malformed. It had been in some sort of altercation and looks like the put a new grill in it but just bashed the sheet metal back into place with a rubber mallet without doing any real bodywork. Needless to say I now categorized the van as "defective" and decided to have a closer look at the family it belonged to, there has to be more to this. The brother who wasn't eating then said something quietly to the mother and she said "oh ok, don't worry" or something like this. She put down her bucket food and got a can out of her
handbag. The father said something inaudible and then went back to stuffing his face. The can the woman took out of her hand bag was about the size of a can of coke and had a blue and white label. She sat the can on the table. She then pulled the kid's shirt up and low and behold there was a fucking tube coming out of his abdomen... The mother took a cap off the tube and attached it to a fitting on the can then turned the can upside down. The tube wasn't clear so I couldn't see what color whatever goo came out of it was or how quickly it came out etc. I wish I could give these details because those are the things I was wondering about in my head. I seriously considered pulling up a chair to the family's table and start interviewing them each about this tube. Where does it go? Why does your kid have it? Did you shake him when he was a baby or something? Do you people realize your eating a family dinner out of a bucket? What is your income level? Has you kid ever pulled the tube out? Why didn't you fix your van properly? Do you eat out of buckets often? Are you aware both your son and the rest of you people are all eating out of cylinders of some type? Did you know your son has a fucking tube sticking out of him?

I had to stop staring at this because I was afraid I would start to look like a pedophile or something checking out their kid so I forced myself to look away and check on the large assed mammoth at the counter. She was just now ordering, a massive amount of food. She stood aside and I had to walk and stand within the scent cloud and order my food.

When I was waiting for my food I had to stand across the ordering area from the ass monster. I checked out the front of her. She had a gunt and a bit of a cameltoe from the pulled to pants. She had a fat face with fur on her upper lip and glasses. She looked friendly and smiled at me. I smiled back and she said in a non retarded or delayed type voice "Looks like winter is coming, I sure hope my oil costs don't go up this year like they did last". I was expecting delayed and/or retarded sounding dribble to come out of her mouth but she sounded semi intelligent and well spoken. I smiled back and also commented on the price of oil last year. Her stench at this point was almost putting me off my food. I was standing a good 10 feet from her. We stood facing each other awkwardly for about 5 mins while the KFC robots made her massive order and mine at the same time. We both got our food at the same time and just as I turned to walk out, she barged infront of me and headed for her car. I caught her stink wave at full
bore and I made a face it was so awful. I noticed as she walked she had a bit of an amble. Like a well practiced limp.

Just as I was walking out I noticed the cylinder feeding white trash family with the minivan was getting ready to leave. The Tube boy was standing up trying to be funny and get attention by doing a little dance. In one hand he was holding his can with the tube still attached. He was dancing with the can in his hand attached to the tube the same way someone would dance with an mp3 player in their hand with headphones attached to their ears.

I left got in my car and stayed there without going anywhere because I wanted to watch the bucket feasting family with tube boy get into their van. They all came out of KFC, the tube boy still dancing with his can and the others ignoring him. Before they piled into the van there was a bit of confusion because apparently some of it's doors don't open. Its sliding doors where apparently non operational and also had light body damage to them. the mum and dad got in the front doors and one of them popped the trunk lid and all the kids climbed in the back, over the last row of seats and got seated. The tube boy was last to get in the back and closed the trunk lid from the inside. He did it very well as if that is his assigned job when ever they need to all get into the van. The dad backed out of their spot and drove off.

What had just happened....? KFC was now completely empty of customers. I drove half way home in a daze and realized I could still taste/smell that large assed woman. I was trying to decide what the smell was. I realized what it was once I got home. It smelt like dirty, sweaty
underwear magnified about 964% combined with the smell that comes off bacon when cooked mixed with the smell of canned peas.

So thats the latest KFC experience. You should eat there in the next few days. See if you have any sightings. Report them to me if you do. haha.

The world you get's the one you give away, It all just happens again way down the line

2007-02-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Well, if you overlook the fancy "4WD" logo on the side, the cage over the back window and the flood lights on the front, this is a pretty good representation of my....new....TRUCK! Same color and year... other then that though, same!
Am I pleased? Damn skippy. Its been too long since I owned my own vehicle, and I've said that if I get one, it's either going to be a truck or a Jeep. But, who am I kidding? I only wanted a Jeep so I could get the winch on the front for "winching stuff". I CAN GET THAT FOR THE TRUCK TOO...if I wanted....heh.
In other news, I have determined that my crappy internet connection is due to a fault on the computers side. Exactly *what* that fault is, I do not know. What I *do* know is that it slowly degraded over time.... and only really showed itself 'after' I had my "right-click virus", George. Nasty little beasty that it was. Right-click on any file or folder in Windows Explorer would result in 13-14 error messages, indicating that a "File did not exist". After several formats and re-installs of Windows, checking the internet connection with my ISP, replacing the Nic card not once but 3 times and checking the connection with a completely different computer, it has been deduced that it is the computer itself. The only thing *I* can see that would cause this issue on the computer is the motherboard or the Bios. Sooo-ooooo, I am currently looking into upgrading the Bios. If it works, hoo-RAY! If it doesn't, well, it'll break the damn thing real GOOD!

Ciao

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss

2007-01-29T15:52:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

Well, lets start this "thing" I have here again....weather permitting, naturally....

"Almost 2 months and nothing new here? Didja get your 3 typing fingers amputated from the frostbite, or fall head over arse in love with a waitress .... again?"

Nope, nein, none of the above, sir. My only excuse for not 'typing' in here has been due to watching Time. Not the magazine or the clock. Just watching time pass by,... like an unneeded euphemism in the middle of a novel, sideswiping the story and belittling the author. Just took some time to try to understand this new chapter that's started. So, now that I've examined the new chapter, lets re-cap highlights from the past 2 WINTER months.

1. Birthday - Went out and played some pool with an old friend.
2. Christmas - Realized that *next" year, I need to invest in a Christmas tree.
3. New Years - Started planning my tax return

Yup, suddenly, its all becoming so clear. All I need to do is buy some ripped jeans, grow my hair long and use the words 'gnarly' and 'radical' in every sentence and INDUCE THIS MID-LIFE CRISIS!!! JESUS!!! ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT THE WEATHER IS SO CRAPPY??!!!

On a side note, my new computer has, apparently, quarantined itself from the outside world. I can download mp3's, movies and pictures (slowly but they come through ok), but to upload something is a privilege that has been revoked. As such, no more "Song of the Moment". My hobby project of DFDotCom has gone into hibernation (much like what bears do in the WINTER) ... until I get a new computer that doesn't have outgoing port congestion.

Th-th-th-thats all for now, pooples.
Ciao

and never moving forward so there'd never be a Past

2006-12-10T19:07:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

March 2005

I told her I would write about her and I did.

I erased those words when we argued...never to be returned.

The words I wrote are still there though...in my heart. About how she came into my Life like she had never left. About how being with her meant never having to go home because I already was home. About how I bet her eyes sparkled in the dark, and they do, they sparkle with the love we share. About how we could talk for hours about nothing and love it. The sound of her voice so soothing to me, helping wash away the troubles of the day and reminding me of the sun.

I do not remember what day we met but that doesn't matter to me....no ending///no beginning

Love you Charlie

August 2005

It was beautiful....but nothing in Life lasts forever. It changes....makes you learn about yourself....

We loved each other but something inside me wasn't ready to keep it going. And now?....now I have to learn from it and try not to let the memories and the thought that I could have done something to keep it alive kill me inside. She is where she needs to be though...and that brings peace to my soul....she needs to protect hers and, even though that means keeping me away, I understand it. It hurts thinking about her little one. It seems that everything I do or hear or see reminds me of something from "back then".... when a child calls my name, hearing songs from shows, even little things like car seats and toys bring me back, just for that instant. I wish I could have remembered the difference between "my Life" and "our life" and just listened to her and talked with her..................but I didn't. And now, I have to heed the advice of one of my friends and "learn something from this for when God *really* answers your prayers and sends the one you asked for...the one that loves you and that you can love".

It *was* beautiful...and still is.....in my fondest memories.

No ending////no beginning

December 2006

Its been a year and a half since I broke up with my last girlfriend. Its said that we are a product of our Past and a hostage for our Future. What *matters*, however, is how we play out the Present. When I wrote those posts, I did not and could not forsee who I would be in 6 months or a year, just like I do not know what kind of person will be writing words here in a years time.
I do know who is writing the words right now.
Todays person is not completely happy, none of us are in that blissfully unaware state. But I am content in knowing that my Life has been interesting and will continue to be so, as long as I do what I can, where I am, with what I have. Not denying forward motion, just accepting the path already taken.
No ending////no beginning

Ciao

Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn

2006-12-04T02:13:00.000-04:00

Song of The Moment

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me :

A Partridge in a Pear Tree: $104.99 ($15.00 Partridge, $89.99 Pear Tree)
Two Turtle Doves: $40.00 ($20.00 each)
Three French Hens: $45.00 ($15.00 each)
Four Calling Birds: $399.96 ($99.99 each)
Five Golden Rings: $325.00 ($65.00 each)
Six Geese-a-Laying: $300.00 ($50.00 each)
Seven Swans-a-Swimming: $4,200.00 ($600.00 each)
Eight Maids-a-Milking: $41.20 ($5.15 each)
Nine Ladies Dancing: $4,576.14 ($508.46 each)
Ten Lords-a-Leaping: $4,039.08 ($403.91 each)
Eleven Pipers Piping: $2,053.20 ($186.66 each)
Twelve Drummers Drumming: $2,224.30 ($185.36 each)

Total Christmas Price Index: $18,348.87
"Core" index, excluding swans: $14,148.87
True cost of Christmas in song: $72,608.02 (including 364 total gifts)

Ciao

These years spent, so faded and wreckless

2006-10-31T19:58:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Moment

For 10 years, I lived with a woman. 7 of those years I was a husband and 3 of those years I was a Father. Still am a father, really. According to my young one, I am "Daddy", even if Mommy's new boyfriend needs to be called Dad, so her new baby doesn't get confused. She still calls him Frankie...inconsequential.

What I forgot was that I was "Uncle Hughie" to the womans sisters' 2 boys for those 10 years. When visiting, we would play, the 3 of us. As I always told them, always new games, and we always made up something new to do. The one with the red afro of hair (William) and the other with blonde fair hair (Shayne) and me. When they moved to B.C. for a Summer, I missed those kids, and was honestly afraid that they wouldn't remember me. When they came back, it was almost like they never left.

When my career as a husband ended, it was hard trying to see those kids. Her and I could not be in the same room, without a fight. Tell the truth, its still the same to this day, hence the "Stop calling your ex-husbands house" order on her from the police and the reason why I do not go to her door, only as far as the driveway, when picking up my young one. I do not want a scene. So, inevitably, I stopped seeing my 2 nephews... that step of seperation came and went. Shortly after, they all moved to B.C. again. Mom, Dad, the 2 boys and their new baby sister, for good.

Til last month.

They moved back and settled into a little trailer, 3 houses away from my young ones Moms house. Their Mom left her guy, as well, and the William went to live with him. Shayne and the baby stayed with her Mom. Naturally, I was shocked when I first seen them when picking up my young one. The short, quiet one had grown 5 years and a foot older. The baby was no baby, no diapers and crawling, walking and talking and best friends with my young one.

Tonight, I took my young one out trick or treating and, naturally, she wanted her cousins to come. Picking them up was almost a half an hour in the driveway, learning how much Shayne had grown (Quadruple-jointed elbows and stories of close encounters with bears in B.C.) and discovering how much like my young one the little girl was. Trick or treating with them was, of course, a blast, with my young one laughing most of the time, and the other 2 living it up in the "Free Chocolate" paradise.

Destiny has a plan for all of us.... comeuppance for shit we've been through, so to speak. When Shayne, almost as tall as me, lugged an arm over my shoulder and said "I missed you, Uncle Hughie", Destiny was talking to me. I know this from the lump in my throat I still have.

Ciao

The only thing that could give me cavities is dynamite

2006-10-22T00:50:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

So my daughter has a video game liking. Its not really something to be alarmed about. Yes, at times I have to say "Ok, thats enough. Time to do something else.", but I know what I was like as a kid and can understand. Yeah... I have fond memories of video games. Renting Castlevania 2 from the corner store at lunch and playing it all weekend with the lights off. Wanting the "gold" NES Legend of Zelda II so bad, and then ultimately getting it for my birthday. (complete with 'rapid-fire controller', so I could turn the rapid-fire on, leave for an hour and come back to 6 kajillion experience points).

Then, of course, there was MegaMan. My nephew & I would rent it from Videotron, just 5 minutes walk down the road from where we would play it religiously... all weekend, all night. We'd stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning, trying to get past this boss and that boss. Waking up would be "Did you save it?" to be responded "yeah" by me, with what we called "Nintendo-Eye"... where you played Nintendo so long, your eyes blurred and actually hurt and your thumbs were numb...NUMB!

So now, watching my young one play video games, its ok. I don't ban them. I don't fully condone them either though. But, if she looks back on her childhood and remembers her accomplishment at how she figured this puzzle out on this old video game, thats not so bad. Is it?

Ciao

Once there was a way to get back homeward

2006-10-19T02:17:00.000-03:00

Song Of The Moment

Somehow stopping time. Then, walking backwards to 1999 and finding myself.
Initial shock of seeing how fresh-faced I look back then over with, I begin to explain all the changes that have happened and will happen.

"Yup, your ex's had 3 guys since you. Yeah, and all of them have rooted for you, man. One of them went as far as to say "You realize, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be seeing your young one. Your ex really hates you..."

"Oh yeah, thats another thing...your ex?... she hates you. Saying 'hate' doesn't even define it well enough, really. She turned evil. Yep, evil has many forms.... and trust me, man, she's one. You *did*, however, fight her. Took her to court! No lawyer, you ballsy bastard! Just you!"

"Oh, and don't think you're going to be walking alone for long. Nope, pretty soon you'll meet up with your first girlfriend. Actually, she'll pop in and out of your Life a few times in the next few years. AND, you're gonna have a Summer adventure with a new chick. Yeah man, you're gonna have fun with her. (Just don't bring up the word 'threesome' around her, ok?...trust me)"

"And, you're gonna make alot of new friends too. One of them's gonna be your boss though. Do what you want, man...just remember, he's your Boss. Don't take advantage of that situation, for fuck sakes! But, well, even if you do, thats to the best. Hell, if it weren't for you taking advantage of his friendship, you wouldn't have had your Summer adventure.....AND... you wouldn't be where you will be in 7 years! Making more money then you ever have! ... doing what you always said you wanted to do! Yup, you GOT your desk job! No shit, man! AND....(yeah, it gets better) you're doing tech support!"

"Your daughter will grow tall, too. AND SMART! Now, this is the most important thing I want you to hear....and remember. Do NOT stop fighting to see her! You got that?! She is the most important thing in our Life. *You* are her Father. Period. There is nothing more I have to or need to say about that."

Walking forward to 2006 now. Looking back over my shoulder, the expression of mixed shock and happiness has been erased from 1999-me... because he cannot know what is to come. *He* can only hope.... he did hope ... and I stand as a living testimonial to all *he* hoped for coming true.

Ciao